It is me coming back to life. It is me connecting to my inner power. It is me utilizing tools and techniques to develop self-love. It is me being vigilant, courageous, humble, curious, open, honest, and honoring.
Everything comes down to self-love. Seriously. That is recovery is about.
There are so many different techniques and tools that can be used for recovery. I started out in a 12 step program, but I couldn't just stop there. When I first entered the program it was exactly what I needed to break out of the cycle of addiction, co-dependency, and the rock bottom self-esteem I was in. The people, literature and step work were all exactly what I needed to make me step back from the insanity that was my life and truly have to take responsibility for my actions. It gave me a chance to break away from an abusive relationship that stripped me of every shred of self -esteem and worth I might have had. It gave me that chance by me hearing that there way another way of life. A way of life I deserved to know. I was WORTH healing myself.
It was in the third year of me being in the program that my higher power decided to let me know about another tool that would be beneficial to my recovery. A tool I had utilized a few years earlier. A tool that while I was using it years ago took away my desire to use any drugs or alcohol and opened me up to a dream that I thought I could never actually have come true. This tool was Kundalini Yoga.
I first practiced this path of yoga when I lived in Los Angeles, CA. When I moved out there I had no clue what Kundalini Yoga was. All I knew of yoga was what I was practicing in NYC and that was straight up hatha style. My first class I can say I had no idea what I was getting into and I was a bit weirded out. Nothing we were doing was like I was used too. My literal reaction during one of the movements was, WTF! After class I sipped some hot yogi tea, nibbled on a graham cracker, and I floated to my car. I had never experienced that type of after glow in my other class. I was sure I wasn't going to return, but the way I felt that night and when I woke up was amazing. I said, "What the heck" and gave it another go. That decision would be life changing.
When I returned to Nashville from L.A. a couple years later I immediately looked for a Kundalini Yoga class. I could not believe it when I saw there were no classes. The kundalini yoga studios in L.A. were wall to wall packed with students and celebrities. Why was it not popular in a creative city such as Nashville? All I saw was Hot Yoga everywhere. Did they not realize the potential of this practice for creativity, healing and transformation?
So I dropped off from my Kundalini Yoga practice until a couple years later when my higher power knew it was time and there was finally someone teaching. My first class back I knew I wanted to teach this. All of it's benefits came rushing back to me. I knew this would be vital for my recovery because everything it works on is what someone in recovery needs for mind, body, and spirit repair.
When I started back with Kundalini Yoga my healing process went into warp speed. I was no longer just writing and writing and talking about my issues and patterns I was doing something to release them from my subtle energy bodies. I learned about the different core issues associated with each of the 8 chakras within and around the body. I learned about the 10 light bodies and what happens when they become imbalanced. It gave me so many answers and so many solutions to bringing myself into balance. I applied different movements and specific kriyas targeting the imbalances within those chakras and light bodies. I learned about the importance of breath, mantra, and meditation to not only repair the body but also recreate new patterns of thinking and being.
I will be writing more about my personal experiences with releasing from and balancing the energetic bodies. I would still be walking around with intense levels of toxic shame within me if it wasn't for this practice. No amount of writing or talking about my pain and shame could actually release it from me. That is why attention has to be given to the physical as well as the energetic bodies if there is going to be true full recovery of self.
My recovery does not stay in a box. I do not stay just with kundalini yoga nor do I stay just in a 12 step program. A 12 step program offers a beautiful template for anyone to live life based on spiritual principles. I utilize it to this day. I just utilize many other tools also. It is the 21st century and all things are shifting and changing. There has to be new tools brought forth to assist in making our way through these changing times.
I believe strongly in moving the body to for greater awareness. The body holds all of our answers. Every answer I seek is within me. I just need to listen to which tool is going to help me listen. That could be through dancing, yoga, biking, hiking, tai chi, etc. I also believe art is of utmost importance to by pass the analytical left brain and get to the right brain where the world of symbolism, feelings, and the subconscious resides. It is another tool that is invaluable on a path of recovery. It is the quickest way to access the "inner child" and connect to stuffed down feelings, emotions, and memories. They are both also fun ways to just shift your energy and mood!
In 2011 I developed workshop style classes utilizing tools of kundalini yoga combined with dancing, artwork, introspective exercises, and self-healing teachings. These classes were basically an extension of all the work and tools that I utilized at some point in my process. A class that focused on self- love, self-worth, values, releasing inner anger, body image, connecting with the inner child, and much more. I wanted to create a class that I would like to have attended myself. A class that combined all of the above elements and created a space of time for people to go into a deeper place of awareness with self and release what was keeping them from building that self-love.
I believe recovery is for anyone who needs to bring back the pieces of self they gave away out of lack of self love. It is not just for drug addicts or alcoholics. I wanted to create a class for people who didn't necessarily need to go into a 12 step program or just didn't vibe with one and for those in a 12 step program. A class that someone with no yoga experience could attend. Trust me the classes are not just about yoga and I don't want to be viewed as just a yoga instructor. It is just a small piece of the program and myself.
It has been close to six months since I have taught that class. Since then I have been in treatment for trauma and literally rebirthing myself. The past nine months have been some of the most confusing and darkest times of my life thus far. I have gone to levels of depression, pain, shame, and sadness that I did not think I would have to go to again. I thought I had worked on myself enough. Why did I have to go through this again? Why?
The why is because I made a commitment to myself to heal. I have an incredible will to live even though sometimes I don't feel like it. I know by going so intense into the work right now it will allow me to live the colorful life I was meant to for many years to come. I deserve it. Everybody deserves a colorful life.
So there you have it. Recovery Rising is hope. It is what comes through me from my process and from what my higher power wants me to share. It is currently a blog and eventually will develop into workshops once more. It is my personal journey to know my own inner power and sparkle. A building of my self love. My journey to create a life in color. It is honesty, open mindedness, and willingness. It is recovery tools for the 21st century. It is looking within for the answers.
True power comes self-love. When there is self-love it radiates all through the body and out into the world!
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