"Do I want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future?"-Deepak Chopra
I was time traveling in my head today and thinking about the different types of friendships I have had in my life up until now. It is hard for me to remember before age 9 what my friendships were like. I do remember the early relationship between my sister and I. It certainly wasn't one of sisterly love. In fact I did not really have any model of what it was like to have a close relationship with another girl. I had no point of reference for when I entered into school and was learning how to form friendships with girls. That kind of love and affection was not demonstrated in my family.
I do remember from age 10 and forward most of my friendships. I never really thought about them until recently. That is because of my growing awareness of the kinds of friendships I want to have in my life now compared to the kind of relationships I have allowed in my past.
I was surprised about the common thread that ran through the friendships I had growing up. Many girls that I considered my friends I actually allowed to treat me in a way that was not very kind or respectful. The thing is the reason I allowed the girls I called friends to continue treating me in the way they did was because I didn't teach them how to treat me. Nobody taught me. I honestly thought it was just how life was.
When I was a young girl my Dad would joke around and poke fun at me alot. I later realized this was about the only way he was able to communicate affection to me. I thought being treated like that was just normal. When I was in school I seemed to always be made fun of for one thing or another. From my name to my hair, my teeth, the way I dressed and other things. Once again, I thought that was normal.
The friends I had changed through elementary school, middle school, and high school. The thing that I remember the most about those early school relationships was that I never knew when one of the girls I called my best friend was going to turn on me, stop talking to me, and/or turn our other friends against me. I even remember one time on my birthday I asked this same girl to please not pick on me that day or to stop talking to me because it was my birthday. How messed up is that?
I wanted friends. So I accepted it. Somehow it was how I thought life and friendship was suppose to be. Make fun of Kristy. She can take it. Its just part of the fun. I just continued being friends and playing the game. It is not like my whole school experience was tragic. I did have fun hanging out with the few girls I considered my friends. I just didn't realize how much I let myself be teased by them or how much I teased back. I had one best friend in high school. I was grateful for that friendship. I loved her and still do.
As I grew up and entered college I created new relationships with new women. I love these women to this day, but I have to say even in those relationships I allowed myself to be treated in ways that were not respectful and to be fair I know I wasn't respectful towards them at times too. Have you caught on to the fact that I had no clue about the meaning of values, self-respect, self-worth, or any sense of self-esteem! I wasn't introduced to those terms until I was in my mid 20's.
I also went along with the behavior of a particular friend through out the years that had hurt me cell deep. I just lived with the fact that I never received apologies for the hurts I received from them even after sharing my feelings of sadness and taking responsibility for the parts I played. I simply still continued to be friends. Even after time passed and we hadn't seen one another I went back to this person hoping it would be different. Once again I allowed myself to not be valued and treated with the care that I now know should come with the covenant of a friendship. I know more will be revealed about this one:)
Over the past month I have been doing some deep physical healing, participating in a 21 Day Meditation for Miraculous Relationships, and I have returned to the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous. The combination of those three things have created an enormous shift in me in regards to the importance of relationships, especially with women. The physical healing has taken me into a deeper relationship with my body. The meditation challenge has created an awareness in me of how I want to be treated in relationships, and how I need to treat others in relationships. It has opened my awareness to the running theme of my past relationships with women and the current state of relationships I have with other women. The women in the rooms of NA are modeling the respectful ways of communicating with one another and I am paying attention.
One of the journal assignments in the 21 Day Meditation Challenge with Deepak Chopra was to make a list of the qualities I wanted in relationships. I chose to focus on friendships. Of course he then reminded me that all of those qualities needed to be cultivated in myself first and I also needed to go out in the world and demonstrate those qualities to others.
I am a beautiful person inside and out. I am loved and lovable. I have much love to offer in a friendship. I am fiercely loyal and when I connect I connect deep. I am shy and stand offish at first but to those who bare with me and give me a chance I soon open up and start talking. Today I can say that I deserve relationships that are nurturing, kind, supportive, trusting, fun, and caring. I don't have to accept a mediocre friendship just for the sake of having a friend in my life. Those people are called acquaintances.
I know I have to work on how to be a friend too. There are some areas of friendship that I fall short in. The biggest one is calling back in a timely manner. That has bitten me in the ass many times. I am really aware and working on it. I am also aware that I have not allowed myself to open up to someone I currently call a friend simply because I have been afraid of what she would think of me if she got to really know me. How can I expect someone to trust in me enough to share about their life issues if I am not willing to take my mask off and do so. This is something else I am tending too.
I am not a perfect friend by any means. I have alot to learn still and some more fears to move through, my self-esteem is not at 100%. Today I want to have meaningful, respectful relationships in my life and I know those take work. I am willing.
The following is a list I have created to remind myself of what friendship is to me:
1. A friend does not make fun of me. Doing so in any way would be like making fun of a six year little because in reality that is who is being hurt-my inner child.
2. Friends share life events with one another both the ups and the downs.
3. A friend makes time to see you in person even if they live in the same city. If they care about you as a friend there is always a way to visit.
4. Friends invite one another out to do things whether it be over a cup of tea, going to a movie, getting nails done, or just walking in the park.
5. A friend is someone who is happy to be there by your side sharing in special occasions such as weddings, graduations, baby showers, and other milestone life events.
6. Friends value spending time together.
7. A friend is someone who calls just say, "How are you today?"
8. A friend is someone who calls the other out on their bullshit because they love them.
9. A friend is someone you can sit with in quiet moments of comfortable silence together and not feel awkward.
10. A friend is someone who will cradle you in their arms and let you break down in tears while they they rub your back and you soak their shirt in snot.
11. A friend is someone who will be by your side when someone else has done you wrong.
12. A friend will just listen.
13. A friend will give advice and be okay if you don't follow it.
14. A friend will be there for you during heartaches, break -ups, and listen to your nightmare date stories.
15. A friend may or may not say, "I told you so if you did not follow # 13.
16. A friend is someone that is an awesome road trip companion.
17. A friend will sooth you and calm you down behind a dumpster of a rock club because you drank to much and were convinced you were channeling the ghost of Jim Morrison.
18. A friend will share a bed with you and be kind enough to let you know if she she is gassy.
19. A friend believes in you no matter what and is your biggest cheerleader.
20. A true friend will be by your side no matter what changes you through.
21. A beautiful friendship is when you do not see each other for years and when you finally do the relationship simply continues as if no time has passed.
In order to have friends and friendships like the ones I described in the above list I have to continue to nurture the relationship with myself. I can even give to myself some of the experiences I described above. It is about building trust with myself.
Some Ways I Am A Friend To Myself First:
1. I take the time to listen to my needs and feelings and tend to them. I write them down if need be.
2. I make sure I spend time with myself, and do things alone like taking myself to the park, out to eat, or to a movie.
3. When I am sad or lonely or just depressed I make sure not to do something to numb or try to escape from myself. I accept and embrace the feelings. Sad times are the times to prove to myself that I can be there for me and not abandon myself. I stop, take a deep breath, close my eyes, let the tears fall, and I embrace myself until I fall asleep. If I do need to call someone then I will. Then I will fall asleep:)
4. I now know that I have the right to stand up for myself and teach others how I want to be treated.
5. I take the time to check in with myself and just ask, "How are you today?" I then listen...really listen in the quiet comfortable moments. Just with myself.
6. I remind myself of my values and make choices according to them. When I don't do this I get into crazy situations and experiences.
7. I don't have to hold onto relationships that are no longer mutually respectable just for the sake of keeping a friend. I am practicing self- respect, self-worth, and honoring my self by letting it go. That way I can make room for the types of relationships that I am calling in. I can make the choice of either gently releasing the person out of my life or just shifting their role from "friend" to "aquaintance" status.
As the friendship with myself grows then the world around me will reflect that back. It already is. I already have evidence of it:) Relationships are the root of prosperity. More valuable than money.
Just For Today: "I will value, respect, love, and honor myself. I will do the same for the relationships in my life. I will be grateful for the friends I have. I will take an active part in my friendships."
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