"How might your life have been different, if, when you were a young woman, the first time you felt feelings of depression, an older woman had come to sit with you? If she had come to sit with you, as someone had come to sit with her the first time she had feelings of depression? To simply sit, quietly, perhaps wordlessly-to sit with you, during your dark time. And how might your life have been different if the woman had accepted your feelings of depression? Had accepted them so fully and completely that you began to feel safe with them. If there had been no judgement or questioning..no attempt to make you smile, to betray your feelings, to deny your darkness. If the woman had simply sat in silence with you, with your pain, and in the darkest moments had been able to reflect it to you..to reflect to your pain...to witness...attend...and by her quiet respect for it to help you learn to respect it...your own pain and depression....to witness, attend , and respect your depression...and to see that just as the woman had faith in it, you might also have a glimmer of faith that there was meaning and truth in your darkness."
How might your life be different?
- Circle of Stones, Woman's Journey to Herself, by Judith Duerk
I would first like to share how deeply I am in love with the book, Circle of Stones, Woman's Journey to Herself, by Judith Duerk. I know this book has been around for some time now, but the time came last winter when it was my turn to discover the rich treasure of wisdom and comfort that lies buried within its pages. The above excerpt is perfect. Not only for women to think about, but also for men.
I have lived on and off with depression most of my life. I did not know about depression until my second year of college when I was diagnosed by a doctor and experienced my first dance with anti-depressants. I did not really take the diagnosis seriously,nor, did I stay on the pills for very long. The doctor was very quick to shove the prescription in my hand and send me on my way. He did not share any info about depression or provide me with resources to learn more about what may have caused it. He just gave me the pills. I took them. I did not stay on them. I tried off and on for years to take the anti-depressants but my body just kept rejecting them. Something deep within me knew it wasn't what I needed. I know anti-depressants are beneficial for certain people. I honor and respect that path. It just wasn't the path that was right for me.
I can say it was a time of my life where I had my little toe dipped in the self-healing world and the rest of my foot immersed in the material world of trying to heal my wounds by following my insatiable ego. I thought if I could just get the better car, the bigger apartment, the skinniest body, the greatest hair, become a star then the depression I was feeling would go away.
It didn't work like that. It just made it worse. So I turned to another type of pill to make it go away. That made it even worse and landed me in the 12 step recovery rooms.
When I first moved back to Nashville in 2005 I was sharing a house with another woman. I remember I was in a deep state of depression at that time. I was afraid that if she noticed I was sitting around or laying down to much she would think I was crazy or lazy and kick me out. I did share with her that I was dealing with depression and that there may be times I would be laying around. She did not put me down or out right judge me like I made myself believe would happen. I remember it feeling good to open up like that, but I never could fully feel comfortable being in a sad state, and she never played the role of the supportive older woman.
It really frustrates me that there is still a stigma around mental illnesses such as depression. People are more sympathetic, supportive, and kind to people who experience "physical" illness ,but, are less tolerant and supportive of people with "mental" illness. Why?
If this stigma does not change then we are in trouble. I saw some staggering statistics the other day regarding the percentage of people living with depression.** It did not surprise me at all considering the way we live, work, eat, and treat ourselves in this day and age.
*A recent study sponsored by the World Health Organization and the World Bank found unipolar major depression to be the leading cause of disability in the United States.
DEPRESSION IS NOT A WEAKNESS
I do not see depression as a weakness. I see it as a friend. I see it as a signal to me that something is imbalanced in my life. I see it as a time to take a step back and to pay attention to where I am not nourishing myself enough. I see it as anger and sadness locked up inside of me needing to be listened to and released. I see it as a time to inquire if my dopamine and/or serotonin levels are imbalanced. My body tells me everything.
One of the workshops I teach in my Recovery Rising program is called, "Dealing with Depression." In this workshop I really focus on providing students with a gentle and empowering way of looking at and dealing with depression. Students learn breathing techniques, kriyas (yoga sets), and mantras all specific for depression. I also provide the time and space through guided meditation for students to visit the locked up emotions within. I draw alot from the teachings of Guru Rattana Ph.D, a Kundalini Yoga teacher and long time student of Yogi Bhajan. Her view on depression made the most sense to me and confirmed what I had figured out through experience. The following is a teaching of hers that I also share in my workshop:
"We are obliged to experience grief, sorrow, pessimism, and loneliness. The trick is we are not obliged to indulge in these feelings. They are there to teach us, but they are not there to torment us. The key to understanding these feelings is the realization that they are a reflection of our separation from source. They are a response to a closed heart. A closed heart blocked off by negative experiences, unexpressed emotions from traumas and bad programming. We must revisit and reinstall new programming in order to make it back to the core of our soul where love resides. Depression is an invitation to this inner journey. Not the most popular journey, we often choose denial, medication, blame, and outward preoccupations. My observation is that like other soul lessons, some form of sadness and depression never really goes away until we find the gold of divine love in our own hearts.
Depression invites us to turn inward so we can find the cause of the source of our pain and find resolution, freedom and empowerment." -Guru Rattana Ph.D
I know for many in the west talking about going within and listening to feelings sounds like a cheese ball waste of time but, I am living proof that it is not. The time for the old way of, "taking it on the chin and moving on" is just about up. That is an old paradigm and a way of being that is now back -firing on many. I grew up in a family that taught me to much about repressing my feelings. I also experienced the pain it caused for years until I allowed myself to start facing and expressing them.
THE ONLY WAY OUT IS BY GOING IN
This year has been an incredibly difficult life changing time of my life. I believe if I didn't experience some times of depression with dealing with what has gone on I would not be human. I have experienced bouts of depression that have lasted sometimes 2-3 days at a time to upwards of two weeks. I am most grateful that I have come to an acceptance of depression and view it in the way that I do now. I have really learned to go within this year. It has been the only way to make it through the emotional and physical changes I have experienced. I know the changes are not over and I am still listening.
There was a time about a month ago when it was bad. I couldn't pick up any "self-healing" tools. I couldn't shift anything. I just had to merge with the sadness. I just had to be with it in order to move through it. The problem was I wasn't moving through it. It was as Guru Rattana shared, "the trick is we are not obliged to indulge in these feelings." I know I gave myself adequate nurturing time and space, but then something in me knew it was going to far. I had enough. I needed to move forward.
One evening I went upstairs into my office. I sat down in front of my altar. I closed my eyes and went to the area within my body where I felt the blocked energy(my heart center) and allowed myself to fully be present in that area. I brought the energy up to the surface and began feeling a trembling through my body. The energy came up my throat and out of my mouth as I began to scream and let the tears fall. It did not stop. Wave after wave rushed through my body. The painful feelings of sadness and frustration released over and over again. My fists flew in the air and my body continued to shake and tremble as the blocked pain and trauma released out of my body. I was utterly exhausted after that experience and found myself crawling into bed. I can say the next day I woke up and felt forward movement. Something had been released. My mood lifted. My motivation came back and the depression let up. What did I do? I did not take it on the chin. I did not drink or drug myself. What I did do was face my buried emotions. I chose to go into them and I chose to release them. I have lived with 30 years of stuffed down trauma and pain through out my body. Trust me this wasn't the first episode.
I am aware that the season of depression is upon us. Seasonal Affective Disorder, holidays, new years, and the overall pressure cooker that are the times we are currently living in. This is why I have been guided to share about depression. This blog is probably already to long so I am breaking it up into a couple parts. The next parts will include more about outside circumstances, the tools of Kundalini Yoga I utilize for depression including building a strong aura, practicing mantras to shift your vibration, and the importance of breath.
If you happen to be reading this and are going through a time of depression give yourself a break and please know it is okay.
Nurture yourself. Honor what is going on within. Give yourself permission to be depressed.
I fully support you and am holding a space for you to feel however you need to feel.
Much love,
Kristianna
**http://www.depressionperception.com/depression/depression-facts-and-statistics.html
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