Sometimes Reality Does Bite But There is One Thing That Can Help...

Self-Honesty

Change cannot truly take place without it

Recovery cannot happen without it

It is a simple action

It is a life changing action

It is scary

It is relief

It is liberating

Makes one breath deeper

It can really suck

Reality bites

Again

Change cannot take place without it

It requires one to take responsibility

For their actions

For their life

Facing ones truth

Just one truth about self

Can change ones life

No more hiding

No more pretending

No more wasted energy

Self-Honesty

Gets you on your knees

Breaks down walls

It can open doors

To new worlds and possibilites

Its scary

Its exciting

Its simple

Yet

One

Of

The

Hardest

Things

To Do

Getting honest with your self

Have you done it lately?

Just one thing?

One

itsy

bitsy

teeny weeny

tiny

thing

you have

not been facing

about

YOU.


Well, it is none of my business anyway if you have or have not been facing anything.  I just write this stuff as it comes through:)  However,  in the process of writing the above I felt myself pushing down something that has been trying to come to the surface for me to look at for the past week or so.  So the above really does speak some truth.  Crap.  Now that I wrote it I can't ignore whats coming up.  I can.  I always have a choice.  Denial really sucks though.  Ha.  Time for me to go journal.......

My 12 Step Journey: Leaving The Only Thing That Saved My Life..WTF?

I will be involving more 12 step wisdom along with personal experience, strength, and hope into my blogs as the days go on.  The following is a very censored and abridged version of what led me into the rooms of a 12 step program.  I save the unabridged version for my birthday meeting share and if I ever go into hospitals or institutions to share my story.  It is an important story-ever changing as the years go by.  There was a small point in time when I convinced myself that I no longer wanted to be identified or associated with "my story." I felt it had become my only identity and it was holding me to the past when I wanted to move forward.  The thing is the as I moved further away from my story I was moving away from where I came from.  I was moving away from the reality of what my life had become and the progress I had made to move out of the mess.  The more I moved away from "my story" the more I moved away from needing, the program. Today I know I don't have to be my story. I just have to observe, honor, and learn from it.

These past couple of years have been a serious roller coaster ride of ups and downs.  I have been deep into trauma recovery, self-esteem, self-love, and disordered eating recovery.  There is, however, one area of recovery that I had not been tending too.  An area of recovery that is the most important because this was the recovery program that saved my life and started it all.  That is the 12 step based recovery program of Narcotics Anonymous.

I do not make it a secret that I am in recovery.  It is such an integral part of my life that to hide it or try to separate myself from it is like hiding a part of who I am.  If I am hiding it I am not living my truth.  Now that is just for me.  I know other people are not as open to share as I am and that is perfect for who they are.

THE SUMMER OF "NOT SO HAPPY HOURS" AND HURRICANE KATRINA

I entered into the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous in the summer of 2005.   I first heard of this 12 step program through someone I met at my first job after moving back to TN.  I do believe the meeting of this person was orchestrated by my higher power.  This person literally stepped in front of me as I was walking in to my first day of on the job training.  He introduced himself and for the next week or so would not leave me alone until I would be his friend.  I finally gave in and when we started talking I soon realized we were the same kind of, "out there." 

In our time together he noticed certain behaviors I was exhibiting and different substances I was taking.  One day he and his girlfriend very gently told me about a program called Narcotics Anonymous, a 12 step based recovery program.  They didn't preach or try to get me to go. They just shared the message.  They planted a seed.  When they shared with me about this program I could not imagine going because I was in no way a druggie.  Nope. Not me.  So time went by and with it lots of money and lots of failed attempts at stopping what I was using.  Along with the inability to control my drug use my actions and behaviors were constantly causing trouble to myself and people around me.  I was getting into one painful, dangerous, and ridiculous situation after another and surrounding myself with nothing but people and environments that would enable my actions.

I realized one day that I really did have a problem.  I did not realize that problem was truly, "me."

When the pain of my life  finally got to great to bear and I had nobody around me that understood what was going on with me I got on my computer and looked up Narcotic Anonymous meetings in Nashville.  I picked one that was sort of close to where I lived and in the daytime.  Not knowing what I was walking into or what on earth this was about I still found the courage to go. I made my way to a noon meeting in a basement of a church.  I sat down and did something I hadn't done in a while, I just listened.

 I honestly don't remember much about those first meetings.  The only things that stand out that I remember are:  I would go, I would leave,  I would go the bar and other things,  I would have regrets, and I would show back up to another meeting.  This went on for a couple of months.  The best thing I did the second half of the summer of 05' was continue to show up to meetings no matter if I had used or not.  If I used I just sat in the meeting, kept quiet, and listened.  Eventually after going to enough meetings and listening to many people share similar feelings as I had as well as  similar past experiences that I had gone through a little something called hope was creeping in to my body.  

After a whole summer of mixing NA with using and reaching a bottom with drugs and relationships that had stripped every ounce of self-esteem and self-worth from me I gave in completely to the program.  On September 1st, 2005 using the strength and hope of the group I picked up a white key tag symbolizing I would try this way of life. "Just For Today."

It was the greatest act of self-love I could do for myself.

The first year I worked the program my life began to change.  I started to gain small shreds of self-esteem and self-respect.  I was also gaining an greater awareness of all the havoc I had wreaked in my life and the lives of others for so long.  I was slowly being taught a new way to live.  I was being taught how to take responsibility for my actions.  I was learning about my assetts as well as my defects.  I was learning how to value myself and others. I was learning how to be honest with myself and others.  I was learning about having an open mind and the willingness needed to make a change.  I was learning how to grow up. 

I cannot speak for other 12 step programs as Narcotics Anonymous is the only one I have experience with.  There is much more to addiction recovery than just putting down the drug of choice.  NA  is a program that teaches about the disease of addiction and the patterns that are associated with it including but not limited to chronic self-centeredness, obsessive and compulsive behaviors, isolation, and a lack of self-acceptance . There is also dealing with how addiction shifts into other areas.  Once I put down my drug of choice I noticed that I would start acting out in other ways-nicotine, food, caffeine, men, etc.   Narcotics does teach about addiction but it is more focused about the nature of recovery.

Narcotics anonymous brings together people from all walks of life.  People who in everyday life may never have crossed paths or would have even thought about associating  with another because of their different  economic status's, career choices, or neighborhoods.  The disease of addiction does not give two shits if you have a white collar or blue collar job, you live in an affluent neighborhood or the projects, or make six figures a year.  It wants to isolate you, bring you down, and eventually kill you.  Being around other people who understand what this "disease" does is important part of recovery.

DID YOU JUST READ ALL OF THAT?

Yeah.  I did.  I did because I needed too.  Why?  My happy ass got away from the reality of my disease and the community that knew and understood the best what it does and how it can take one down.   

As I got more time clean I started exploring different self-help paths  I also re-discovered a practice from my past called, Kundalini Yoga.  I am not going to go into details of what happened over the  years that I was not active in the program.  At least not in this blog post.  I will say everything was for a reason and it was to assist me in getting to roots of my core issues.

Between years two and three of being in the NA I started to slowly drift away from the program.  I was getting more involved with Kundalini Yoga and in the metaphysical community.  Instead of surrounding myself with people whom I shared this thing called, addiction, with I started surrounding myself with other people who didn't drink or take substances.  They may not have used specific substances, but they also didn't really understand the nature of addiction.  

After spending some time in this other community I started to hear things said to me like, "I don't see you as an addict.  If you keep yourself in that state of repeating, I am an addict, you are always going to stay in that energy.  You have evolved out of that state of being an addict.  Why do you want to be around those people?"  There is more that I kept feeding into but I have already shared the main ones.

What I want to say to these people,whom I know according to their beliefs meant well,  is please please PLEASE research what is all involved with the disease of addiction and the nature of recovery.  I know  personally the word dis-ease had turned me off a number of times which in turn lead me to much denial that I actually had a "disease of addiction." The truth is it does cause a dis-ease of the mind, body, soul, and spirit.  I want to say to these people that before you start judging and making assumptions look into what all in involved in the program.  The workbooks, the community, the sharing, the overall support, the education.  Putting the drugs down is only the beginning.

Part of me wanted to believe what my friends were saying and another part of me knew the importance of the program.  I was living in conflict about being in the program for a long time.  Another part of me is starting to believe it was just what that disease needed to isolate me.  I didn't want to have to call myself an addict or keep repeating it all the time.  I do believe when you keep repeating something you create your reality based on those words...especially if they follow the words, I AM.   I will come to the truth about this the more I work through the program.  As for saying, "I am an addict" everyday I have come to the acceptance of saying, "I am a recovering addict" because that is what I am right now.  I am recovering and that is the truth.  That works for me.

 I  do know I wasn't facing the reality of what truly worked for me in the past.  I was fighting it.  I wouldn't surrender.  I wanted to believe I had healed myself of addiction.  I wanted to believe I could handle life without having to check in and share with a group all the time.  The more I wanted to believe in what others around me were saying the more it created a distance within me from the very program that saved me.   

I don't want to write to much more about this at this time.  There is much I will work out and discover while "working the steps."  I don't know what I finally did that caused the walls of denial to crumble and for me to gain the courage to go back to the rooms and start reconnecting.   Well. Yes. I do.  That is another blog. 

I am thankful that I did not have a relapse on my drug of choice in the time I was gone.  I guess I was to busy tending to other areas that needed healing.  I had created and was teaching a life recovery program called, Recovery Rising.  It is not a 12 step based program, but, it is based on the other areas of recovery I have had years of experience working on.  Having had that program in my life greatly contributed to keeping me clean and it was beautiful service work....it still is.  

The one thing I can say for certain is even though I have clean time I don't have the "12 step recovery."  There definitely is a difference in just being clean and living the 12 step recovery.  I still have my clean time and on October 1st I will have seven years clean.  If you paid attention you will notice its now October and not September....but that is another story:)

I am excited to be reconnected to the program and not just in the shadows.  It has been strange to have to share with others what has been going on and admit I haven't been a part of.   It's hard  being back, but listening to all the experience, strength and hope once again has been giving me encouragement.  It is inspiring to see what working a program does for people-how it changes them for the best.

Something is so different this time for me and I am not questioning it.   I am just embracing it.  I truly believe that I had to tend to the other areas of recovery in my life in order to continue with this program.  I feel like I am home again and this is exactly where I am supposed to be.  I feel the conflict disappearing and sanity coming back. 

My name is Kristianna and I am a recovering addict.

Just For Today:  I surrender.

Making Rest A Priority And Sending Guilt Back To Bed! Why Is It So Difficult To Rest?

"What Guilt Looks Like"

I feel like shit.  I wasn't going to bother writing a blog because really, what is the point?  I could wait until next week or whenever.  It is not like it is a paying job or I have some huge audience drooling in anticipation for when I am going to share about my issues or observations of craziness or whatever.

I feel like shit physically. It takes everything for me right now move.  What is affecting me physically is also affecting me mentally.  There was just something in that walked over to the computer, sat me down and said, "Just type.  Keep attending to this blog.  You enjoy doing this.  You know it is therapeutic for you."  In which I responded in my best cranky inner head voice, "Whatever!"

 I am fighting myself right now. I am fighting with myself to rest.  My body is going through alot right now with cleansing, healing, and re balancing itself.  It has been adapting to a whole new way of existing without many foods and stimulants it has been used too.  It has been working with the help of herbal supplements to tend to the Candida I was diagnosed with, and it is also dealing with another issue I don't feel like sharing about.   It is at a time when it is doing its thing and its thing is requiring alot of energy.  While it is doing its thing it making me feel tired and lethargic and cranky.

I don't want to freaking rest.  I feel guilty.  Why do I have to feel guilty about laying my not- so- happy ass down for some time and resting!?  I mean rest is the loving, caring, move to make for myself.  That is tending to my needs.  Yes.  I am going to rest.  I just wish I could do it with a peace in my mind.

I know I am not the only one who fights them self to just sit the hell down and rest when exhausted.  I have heard it come out the mouths of people around me and seen numerous Facebook status updates sharing it.

So freaking what if I am laying down in the middle of the day?  So what if certain things don't get to tended to according to when I planned them too.   I know I don't have children so I don't have that piece to add to my guilt.  That would be a big one.  I would have to get advice from other Mamas and ask for help.

It is guilt.  That is the emotion.  Guilt.  Because of course I always have to know what the dominant emotion is creating this unrest.  Guilt.

That is fucked up that as a human I have to feel guilty about taking care of my own needs. Yes.  I said, "Fucked Up."

I am not going to go into my own private locker that is in my head that holds all the reasons why I feel guilty.  I know what they are and I am fully aware of them.  I have dragged them out of that locker, sat them down,  shined a mag light on them, pointed my finger and said, "Thank you for your driving force and your concern about everything and everybody else but seriously.... ENOUGH!!!  I do not need your services today.  Go back to your locker, pull a blanket over you, and go to sleep.  Shut down.  You are not needed in any way today."

Today I am giving myself permission to rest.  I am giving myself permission all weekend to rest.  I don't need a doctors excuse to tell me the prescription for what is ailing me is rest.  I can save the money.  My body is healing itself and it can't do it while my energy is being used in other places.

If anyone else has a problem with it then I don't know what to say.  Nobody really does that is just the crazies in my head doing their 90's slam dance of self-centered thinking on me.  If anyone did think anything of it then that is shit they have to look at in themselves.

I am taking care of me.  If I don't how they heck can I be good to care of anything or anyone else?

This countries work ethic and lack of teaching people about self-love and self-values has really fucked up peoples heads and priorities.  It is no wonder there is an overwhelming sense of guilt that comes to people when they think of just taking time to rest.  "Rest?  No.  That makes me weak. There is something wrong!  I am not being of value to everyone then?  Rest?  If I rest then I may have scary things happen to me like, feeling better, feeling peace, rejuvenated, or even forbid something I have not wanted to face or think about may creep up. Can't have that happen!  Rest?  Can't do it.  I would feel guilty.  That is for weak people.  I can't ask anyone to help.  Again, that is weakness.  I can pull my weight.  I can do it all.  The devil will make its way into my world  if I am idle....Ha!  That's a good one.  Gotta love the Puritan values that still resonate in our DNA.

Today the best thing I can do for my recovery and my health is rest.  Spend some time in the sun.  Do not do any physical activities.  Not even dancing.  No I am not dancing through this today.  I don't want to hear it.  I will sit down and meditate.  I will journal. I will go to a meeting.  If guilt gets up from its nap I will send it back to bed.  My self-love act for today is declaring this and making this weekend a weekend of rest!

That is all.  Thanks for listening.

"What Self-Love Looks Like"

21 Reminders To Myself of What A Friend Is And Learning How To Be One.

"Life is Relationship and the best form of relationship is friendship."-Sri Bhagavan

"Do I want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future?"-Deepak Chopra

I was time traveling in my head today and thinking about the different types of friendships I have had in my life up until now.  It is hard for me to remember before age 9 what my friendships were like. I do remember the early relationship between my sister and I.  It certainly wasn't one of sisterly love.  In fact I did not really have any model of what it was like to have a close relationship with another girl.  I had no point of reference for when I entered into school and was learning how to form friendships with girls.   That kind of love and affection was not demonstrated in my family.

 I do remember from age 10 and forward most of my friendships.  I never really thought about them until recently.  That is because of my growing awareness of the kinds of friendships I want to have in my life now compared to the kind of relationships I have allowed in my past.

I was surprised about the common thread that ran through the friendships I had growing up.  Many girls that I considered my friends I actually allowed to treat me in a way that was not very kind or respectful.  The thing is the reason I allowed the girls I called friends to continue treating me in the way they did was because I didn't teach them how to treat me.  Nobody taught me.  I honestly thought it was just how life was.

When I was a young girl my Dad would joke around and poke fun at me alot.  I later realized this was about the only way he was able to communicate affection to me.  I thought being treated like that was just normal.  When I was in school I seemed to always be made fun of for one thing or another.  From my name to my hair, my teeth, the way I dressed and other things.  Once again, I thought that was normal.

The friends I had changed through elementary school, middle school, and high school.  The thing that I remember the most about those early school relationships was that I never knew when one of the girls I called my best friend was going to turn on me, stop talking to me, and/or turn our other friends against me.  I even remember one time on my birthday I asked this same girl  to please not pick on me that day or to stop talking to me because it was my birthday.  How messed up is that?

 I wanted friends.  So I accepted it.  Somehow it was how I thought life and friendship was suppose to be.  Make fun of Kristy.  She can take it.  Its just part of the fun.  I just continued being friends and playing the game.  It is not like my whole school experience was tragic.  I did have fun hanging out with the few girls I considered my friends.  I just didn't realize how much I let myself be teased by them or how much I teased back.  I had one best friend in high school.  I was grateful for that friendship.  I loved her and still do.

As I grew up and entered college I created new relationships with new women.  I love these women to this day, but I have to say even in those relationships I allowed myself to be treated in ways that were not respectful and to be fair I know I wasn't respectful towards them at times too.  Have you caught on to the fact that I had no clue about the meaning of values, self-respect, self-worth, or any sense of self-esteem!  I wasn't introduced to those terms until I was in my mid 20's.

I also went along with the behavior of a particular friend through out the years that had hurt me cell deep.  I just lived with the fact that I never received apologies for the hurts I received from them even after sharing my feelings of sadness and taking responsibility for the parts I played.  I simply still continued to be friends.  Even after time passed and we hadn't seen one another  I went back to this person hoping it would be different. Once again I allowed myself to not be valued and treated with the care that I now know should come with the covenant of a friendship.  I know more will be revealed about this one:)

Over the past month I have been doing some deep physical healing, participating in a 21 Day Meditation for Miraculous Relationships, and I have returned to the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous.  The combination of those three things have created an enormous shift in me in regards to the importance of relationships, especially with women.  The physical healing has taken me into a deeper relationship with my body.  The meditation challenge has created an awareness in me of how I want to be treated in relationships, and how I need to treat others in relationships.  It has opened my awareness to the running theme of my past relationships with women and the current state of relationships I have with other women.  The women in the rooms of NA are modeling the respectful ways of communicating with one another and I am paying attention.

One of the journal assignments in the 21 Day Meditation Challenge with Deepak Chopra was to make a list of the qualities I wanted in relationships.  I chose to focus on friendships.  Of course he then reminded me that all of those qualities needed to be cultivated in myself first and I also needed to go out in the world and demonstrate those qualities to others.

I am a beautiful person inside and out.  I am loved and lovable.  I have much love to offer in a friendship.  I am fiercely loyal and when I connect I connect deep.  I am shy and stand offish at first but to those who bare with me and give me a chance I soon open up and start talking.  Today I can say that I deserve relationships that are nurturing, kind, supportive, trusting, fun, and caring.  I don't have to accept a mediocre friendship just for the sake of having a friend in my life.  Those people are called acquaintances.

I know I have to work on how to be a friend too.  There are some areas of friendship that I fall short in.  The biggest one is calling back in a timely manner.  That has bitten me in the ass many times.  I am really aware and working on it.  I am also aware that I have not allowed myself to open up to someone I currently call a friend simply because I  have been afraid of what she would think of me if she got to really know me.  How can I expect someone to trust in me enough to share about their life issues if I am not willing to take my mask off and do so.  This is something else I am tending too.

I am not a perfect friend by any means.  I have alot to learn still and some more fears to move through, my self-esteem is not at 100%.  Today I want to have meaningful, respectful relationships in my life and I know those take work.  I am willing.

The following is a list I have created to remind myself of what friendship is to me:

1.  A friend does not make fun of me.  Doing so in any way would be like making fun of a six year little because in reality that is who is being hurt-my inner child.

2.  Friends share life events with one another both the ups and the downs.

3.  A friend makes time to see you in person even if they live in the same city.  If they care about you as a friend there is always a way to visit.

4.  Friends invite one another out to do things whether it be over a cup of tea, going to a movie, getting nails done, or just walking in the park.

5.  A friend is someone who is happy to be there by your side sharing in special occasions such as  weddings, graduations, baby showers, and other milestone life events.

6.  Friends value spending time together.

7.  A friend is someone who calls just say, "How are you today?"

8.  A friend is someone who calls the other out on their bullshit because they love them.

9.  A friend is someone you can sit with in quiet moments of comfortable silence together and not feel awkward.

10.  A friend is someone who will cradle you in their arms and let you break down in tears while they they rub your back and you soak their shirt in snot.

11.  A friend is someone who will be by your side when someone else has done you wrong.

12. A friend will just listen.

13.  A friend will give advice and be okay if you don't follow it.

14.  A friend will be there for you during heartaches, break -ups, and listen to your nightmare date stories.

15.  A friend may or may not say, "I told you so if you did not follow # 13.

16.  A friend is someone that is an awesome road trip companion.

17.  A friend will sooth you and calm you down behind a dumpster of a rock club because you drank to much and were convinced you were channeling the ghost of Jim Morrison.

18.  A friend will share a bed with you and be kind enough to let you know if she she is gassy.

19.  A friend believes in you no matter what and is your biggest cheerleader.

20. A true friend will be by your side no matter what changes you through.

21.  A beautiful friendship is when you do not see each other for years and when you finally do the relationship simply continues as if no time has passed.


In order to have friends and friendships like the ones I described in the above list I have to continue to nurture the relationship with myself.  I can even give to myself some of the experiences I described above.  It is about building trust with myself.



Some Ways I Am A Friend To Myself First:


1.  I  take the time to listen to my needs and feelings and tend to them.  I write them down if need be.

2.  I make sure I spend time with myself, and do things alone like taking myself to the park, out to eat, or to a movie.

3.   When I am sad or lonely or just depressed I make sure not to do something to numb or try to escape from myself.  I accept and embrace the feelings.  Sad times are the times to prove to myself that I can be there for me and not abandon myself.  I stop, take a deep breath, close my eyes, let the tears fall, and  I embrace myself until I fall asleep.  If I do need to call someone then I will.  Then I will fall asleep:)

4.  I now know that I have the right to stand up for myself and teach others how I want to be treated.

5.  I  take the time to check in with myself and just ask, "How are you today?" I then listen...really listen in the quiet comfortable moments.  Just with myself.

6.  I remind myself of my values and make choices according to them.  When I don't do this I get into crazy situations and experiences.

7.  I don't have to hold onto relationships that are no longer mutually respectable just for the sake of keeping a friend.  I am practicing self- respect, self-worth, and honoring my self by letting it go.  That way I can make room for the types of relationships that I am calling in.  I can make the choice of either gently releasing the person out of my life or just shifting their role  from "friend" to "aquaintance" status.


As the friendship with myself grows then the world around me will reflect that back.  It already is.  I already have evidence of it:)  Relationships are the root of prosperity.  More valuable than money.

Just For Today:  "I will value, respect, love, and honor myself. I will do the same for the relationships in my life. I will be grateful for the friends I have. I will take an active part in my friendships."

One Foot In The Past- The Other In The Future-Pissing On The Present or Try This...

"If you have your full attention in the moment, you will see only love." -Deepak Chopra

After my blog post from yesterday I figured it would be nice to keep this one a bit lighter in the subject matter.

I simply want to share a cool experience I had the other evening.  It was very brief yet incredibly powerful.  It was like a yoga class in the seat of my car. I also want to say it felt like something I would have read about in Eckhart Tolle's book, "The Power Of Now."  I can't be sure.  The last time I picked up that book was in 2003.  I think I read one chapter and part of me is still suspended in 2003 trying to comprehend what the hell he was talking about.  I mean I am fairly certain I felt the power of now and I didn't need to read a whole book to understand it.

Anyways, here is the set up:

My hub and I were driving back from watching a movie the other night.  It was actually a really funny movie.  Funny in the way that I would be mortified if I went and watched it with my parents.  As we were driving along I felt my muscles start to relax from soaking in the soothing motion of the car.  I remember noticing and really appreciating the temperature outside and how nice it felt on my skin.  As I continued to melt into the passenger seat I had a flash back of a yoga and meditation workshop I had attended the previous Sunday at The Ivy House in Nashville.  I could see my teacher, Corrine, and just for a moment I heard her say the Deepak Chopra quote she repeats often, "If you have your full attention in the moment, you will only see love."

For some reason I decided to give it a go and find out about that moment.  Would I really see love?  With my eyes closed I began following my breath so I could make a conscious connection to my body- especially my heart.  I kept focusing on my inhalation, my exhalation, and the beat of my heart.  I then set an intention to not allow any thoughts to surface about my past or my future.  I just wanted to be completely present in the moment.  So I did just that.  Warm breeze on my skin, humming of the motor, my hubby peacefully holding the steering wheel.  I breathed.  I felt it.  What came next literally only lasted for a few moments because that is all I could do to keep myself completely present.  

In those few precious moments I felt peace.  In that small space of time there was no need to worry.  I knew everything that I needed in life was contained in that moment and there was nothing that I was lacking. I was present.  I had food in my belly, a car taking me to a house with a warm bed, a loving husband. My breath was giving me life and allowing me to experience this.  There was nothing I needed to be, buy, regret, or anticipate.  I had my breath, peace, acceptance, and love.  I was content.  I had everything.  And then........POOF! 

It was fleeting. In those few moments "the observer" part of me was also present.  I could feel a crazy energy bouncing around in my head.  It was unbelievable.  It was like I was feeling the amount of energy that is used on a daily basis to fuel the racing thoughts in my head of the past and future.  Even though I did not allow  thoughts of the past or future enter my consciousness I could still feel their energy.  Bouncing. Flitting. Fighting. Trying to be noticed. Wanting to be acknowledged.  All I could think of when I came back into my head and allowed the thoughts to flood forth once again was, "OMG, how freaking exhausting!"   

Then I observed my thoughts as we continued to drive home.  Yep.  The subject matter of my thoughts would bounce from images of my past to thoughts and fears about my future.  I was not living in the present at all.  I was not appreciating or trusting that all that I had in the moment was all I needed.  No. Something in quietly whispered, "more."  Be more.  Do more. Prove more.  Buy More.  You need more.  Then life will be okay. The rest of the ride home I observed how my mind was living in two different time periods.  It took way to much effort to keep myself in the present.  Way to much.  It  really is quite exhausting to live in two different time periods. 

Man I know some of this may sound cheesy and airy fairy.  I am just saying it is not a secret that most of us have one foot in the past and one foot in the future and basically end up pissing on the present or a kinder way to say that would be, missing the present.

All I am saying is if you happen to be reading this and sometime today you want check out the gifts of your "present moment"  go for it. Do what I did above or whatever works for you to start shifting out of your head and connecting consciously to your body and heart.  Following the breath is what I always recommend.  See what happens for you.  Intend not to allow any thoughts from the past of future enter. Stay present to what is in the moment.  Connect to gratitude. Those past and present thoughts may still be there playing around in your head.  Wanting to be noticed.  You may feel them as energy in your head but by staying connected to your breath and body you don't have let them affect you.  Just for a few moments.   Allow the observer part of you to be present and notice how your brain feels.  

Is there a racing energy in it?  

Are you able to stay completely present to everything that is contained in those moments? 

Are you able to feel appreciation and gratitude?

What does it feel like to not be wondering about the past or future?

Can you receive the present/the gift that is being offered in the moments?   

How long can you sustain before the thoughts come rushing forth?

Give it a go....see what happens.  All you will miss out on is a few moments of head clutter. It will be there when you come back.  You may even come back with a little less clutter and a bit more peace.  Who knows!?

Will you see only love in the moment?  I did.  It was in the form of gratitude and contentment.  

Oh, and if you do decide to embrace your moment I would love to know what you experienced. Seriously.  Be airy fairy.  Go for it.  Its fun.  Please post your comments in the section down below and not on the Facebook comments.  I'd like to start building the comments within the blog.  Thanks!

Medicine for out of control time travel and racing thoughts:

Breathing, Meditation and/or Dancing.  Seriously.  For some dance is  their meditation.    They all work.  

14 Truths I Have Admitted To Myself That Have Me Asking, "Now Who The Frack Am I!?

             

"Self- Image is the image your ego believes.  It takes its cues from  outside influences and is fueled by the fear of what others may think.  We hold our self- image based on feedback we have received from others." -Deepak Chopra and Oprah's 21 Day Miraculous Relationships Meditation.

The crazy in my head today insisted it dump out all the mumble jumble regarding the identity crisis I am going through.

The following question has been running through my mind lately, "Has anyone else past the age of 30 ever experienced a time in their life when they did not know really know who the frack they were?"  The crazy thoughts in my head like to make me believe I am the only one who has ever gone through an identity crisis.  The crazies like to make me believe I am always a special case.  I am the center of the world ya know.  They like to convince me that everyone else around me has it together and I am the only one who is lost.

I wrote in my last blog about how I stepped back from writing because something just wasn't feeling right about it anymore.  Turns out that was just a small piece of a larger issue that was slowly creeping up to the surface of my reality.  The fact is for a long time now many things have not felt right about my life.  I have felt frustrated, it has been super hard for me to breath, my health has been poor,  I have gotten annoyed at myself, annoyed at others, and annoyed at life in general.  I allowed myself to be taken over my negative mind and for the longest time I have not  been the nicest human being.

Living in a state of being like the one I just described is not an enjoyable place to be.  It is certainly not living a life of recovery or just plain living the life I deserve...happy, joyous and free.  See, I am not one to sit by and let things continue without playing the "observer" of my life so I started to pay attention.

As  I  went through my day I would start noticing what was sparking me to feel crazy annoyed. I would start to feel my body tense up with frustration when people would say certain comments to me.  I would feel my eyes roll into the back of my head when I would see certain images or read certain posts on Facebook. I would cringe when I would think about attending certain activities in the community that I once thought were events I should like.   As I paid more attention to why I was feeling so annoyed and uncomfortable and always wanting to scream  I realized what was going on. I knew I was fighting myself from admitting.......

I WAS NOT BEING AUTHENTIC!!!!

I was  actually holding onto an image of myself I had created based on the roles I took on a few years ago as a yoga instructor and yoga studio owner. That image was created by me and would eventually be fueled and sustained by what people started to see me as based on their feedback.  I really don't know how it happened.  It just....happened.  I mean don't get me wrong.  I loved being of service and assisting in bringing forth that studio.  I loved teaching yoga every week that first couple of years and currently I still do love teaching my Recovery Rising series.  I just got carried away trying to live up to a self-created image of myself not based on actual reality.  I was also trying to keep up living a lifestyle I thought I should be living  because I was in the compassionate loving world of yoga.

In my head I somehow thought that I was going to be some healthy lifestyle expert and a yoga instructor that could provide all the perfect answers to students questions of life.  I wanted to be that woman on the cover of the health magazine who was all glowing and dewy because she sustained herself on eating grass, nuts, berries, and kombucha tea.  I wanted to be raw and vegan and live an eco-friendly sustainable lifestyle and know how to make smoothies and juices and I wanted to know what all the cool superfoods were.


I thought I was suppose to love attending kirtans.  I was to love giving myself over to the ecstasy of the rhythm of my heart chakra as it opened and pulsated in unison with my crown chakra.  That unison would elevate me as I danced to the music all while being completely connected and at one with the universe.  I also tried to get into numerology, crystals, and oh good grief, it just went on and on.

I had really held onto this image of me in my head as this person.  I mean, didn't I learn from my new thought teachings that if I were to hold an image long enough I would manifest it and soon become it?  Yeah, right!  The honest to Gods truth is  -that image I held just did NOT work for me. My soul always knew the truth.  It always does.  My inner child does too.  She will always convey to me through feeling when I am out of alignment.  When I am not honoring those two aspects of my self ..... whoa nelly....it is breakdown time for me.

Even though it was becoming more clear what was causing me to walk around feeling annoyed at the world I still did not want to fully face the truth.  I allowed myself to stay in denial.  What the hell would I be if I couldn't play this role anymore?  I mean, why couldn't I be a shiny example of a raw food eating, yoga teaching, spiritual counseling, eco-conscious, festival going, astrology and numerology and crystal loving person.  Many of the people I hung around with were.

Truth is. I really don't know. I just know it is not me.  I finally had to sit my ass down and get truthful with myself about this or continue feeling how I was feeling....like shit.  The following list is what I came up with.  It wasn't easy to make myself face the following truths about myself.  I can say just after writing one down I immediately started to feel a sense of relief.  The more I wrote down the deeper I could breath.  I was really facing reality and not some perceived sense of reality.  It was deep man!

The fact of the matter is this is what my truth is right now ( always subject to change):

1. I am a "mindful" eater which means I mind to what my body needs.  Its needs are always changing.  I don't label myself as a vegan, vegetarian, raw, etc.  Currently my body needs meat.  Yes.  I eat meat!  I eat turkey and fish and occasionally red meat and I like it.  It nourishes me and sustains me.  I eat it only if it is organic, grass fed and has no hormones or antibiotics.  I cook it myself at home or I will eat at a place I know will have the above standards.  Most important is that I respectively pray and thank the animal for its medicine.  

2.  I don't drink juice anymore because it actually creates a not so positive condition in my body.  I didn't know that two years ago.  I just knew it I wanted to experience the positive benefits it had on others for myself.  I also felt so juicy cool spouting off all the time that I was enjoying my awesome juice made of eight different greens.  Seriously juicing is not for everyone.

3.  My life does not revolve around yoga.  I do not currently teach it.  I do practice restorative yoga and Kundalini yoga on occasion. You will probably not ever see photos of me in hatha yoga postures.  I originally went into teacher training for Kundalini Yoga to learn tools I could one day incorporate into a program I was creating in my mind for recovery and self-esteem .  I did not really intend to open a yoga studio and teach every week.   I did eventually create the recovery program I originally set out to and that is what my area of focus will be sometime in the future.  

4.  I do not follow a true yogic lifestyle.

5.  I barely know how to cook and I am still trying to figure out what foods work best for me.  I do not touch most raw foods anymore except an occasional salad,  soaked almonds, and fermented raw vegetables.  Again, raw unfermented vegetables do not do well in my system.  Just because something looks crazy, sexy, cool does not mean it is meant for everyone.

6.  Do not ask me about astrology or numerology.  I can refer you to an amazing people who do live and breath it.  They are awesome.

7.   I do enjoy an occasional kirtan gathering but I just don't live for them....I tried too.....I can do about one or two a year.  Then I am over it.  I do wonder how I would feel if I were the one singing? Hmmmm.....

8.  I want to contribute to making the earth a better place and be all sustainable and stuff but I probably don't do a very good job at it.  I recycle.  That's something.  I tried the whole compost thing a couple years ago. The compost container is sitting out in the backyard with weeds growing in it.  I tried.  Perhaps one day.  I do want to grow fresh garlic one day.  Fresh garlic is the bomb.

9.  Most of my cleaning products are natural but I am confessing that there is a bottle of Lysol and Goo Gone under my kitchen sink and Kroger brand hand wash in the upstairs bathroom.

10.  I will say this.....I make sure apporximatley 90% of the foods I eat are organic.  I am firm about that!

11.  I really don't like Kombucha Tea.  I tried too.  It just sucks.   I do drink coconut kefir though.  It is much better.   I'll admit that.

12.  I want to learn a martial art.  One day I will train.  I will kick ass and probably get my ass kicked.  At least I will feel alive.

13.  I prefer dancing to sitting down and meditating. I  still do practice meditation because it assists with calming the crazies in my head.

14.  I swear more than I probably should.  It is not classy I know.  I do my best to keep it out of sacred spaces: )


I know darn well it was my shaky self-worth that attached itself tight to the role of a yoga instructor and studio owner.  The start of the studio was prior to all the healing and trauma recovery I would eventually go through.  When I assisted in opening the studio my self-worth was still based primarily on what I did and accomplished and not who I was just being a human.   Prior to stepping into the yoga teacher role I really did not pay much attention to the above lifestyle I tried to live.  Having a new purpose and a title made me feel a sense of worth I hadn't felt before.  It was nice.  I felt grown up.   It just didn't last.  Truth will always rise to the surface no matter what.

 Now I ask myself, who am I ?  What do I want to be when I grow up?  I am starting my 12 step worksbook so I am sure way more will be revealed:)  It is still just really freaking strange.  No matter though.  It is worth it to be in the uncomfortable feeling of transition and uncertainty knowing I finally got honest with myself.  There is sweet freedom in facing reality. I really do feel like I have no identity.

I am enjoying writing again because I am allowing my true personality to come through this time and I am not holding back.  I am going to do my best to keep the following in mind as I go through this transition...

"I am so much more than an image I hold of myself based on the outside world.  Today I will do my best to accept who I am right now in this moment with kindness, compassion, and love."  I will probably forget to do that, but, its nice I am writing it down so I can look back at this and remind myself:)  Hey, I am just being honest!

Recovery Rising Blog Returns: The Crazy in my Head Wants To Say Hi To The World!

My head is literally overflowing with blog posts that won't leave until I get them out.  The good, the bad, the bat shit crazy, most of all the recovery.  I'm probably going to do the whole 30 day challenge thing but since I have some issues with commitment I am going to just....um.....show up at my computer everyday and see what happens.  Little mind tricks I have to play with myself.

I heard a great line from someone in recovery that I am getting to know and loving every minute of it.  I was sharing with her how right now in my life I am not sure about anything.  I am not really connected to anything,  things I once enjoyed don't hold the same interest for me, I feel like I am in an in -between,  no mans land zone and it is just plain weird.  She said, "It sounds like you are backing up and getting ready to punt."  I said, "What?"  She said once again, "It sounds like you are backing up and getting ready to punt.  You are simply stepping back, gearing up, evaluating, and getting ready for your next move forward."  She may not have said it in those exact words but the whole backing up and punting reference was right on.:)  I got what she meant and that is how I remember it.  Its all part of just be-ing and changing and re-evaluating. I am also going through some intense dietary changes to heal myself of candida too.  It just never ends.

Anyways.  The one thing that keeps going through my mind besides the voice that tells me, "Get your ass to recovery meetings" is "start blogging again."  Oh yeah.  I had some interesting conversations in my head with this voice about blogging again.  For starters I feel I have nothing to say.  Blah. Blah.  Funny I have nothing to say,yet, I have a whole list of blog post topics that came flooding out of me this past weekend.

So here I am.  In my voice.  Embarking on sharing.  Yep.  There really is alot I have to share based on the past few months of retreating, having a physical, mental, and spiritual breakdown, getting back on path, healing my physical body, and returning my happy rebellious ass to the rooms of Narcotic Anonymous.

Do I share my journey because I need some kind of witness or attention. Hmmmm....perhaps.  Who doesn't want to witnessed?  Honestly, I have always been called to write a blog.  I just have been half-assed about it.  Part of my problem is that before when I was writing my blog I was doing it through the voice of someone I was trying to make myself be.  Not who I really am.  There was nothing wrong with what I wrote.  I wrote from my heart, but, something just didn't feel right.  I didn't know what it was.  I couldn't put my finger on it.  Well, I soon did and that is going to be a topic for another blog post....

I have accepted this calling of sharing myself before and I am here doing again.  I haven't any profound answers.  I don't have great spiritual rhetoric to spout off.   I'm just  going through this growing process and just trying to figure it out one day at a time.  I'm sharing my experience, strength, hope, sarcasm, cuss words, truth, humor, honesty, and humility.  Honestly, I don't know shit.  I'm still learning.  What I do know is life happens one day at a time, one breath at a time, and one kick ass bowel movement at a time....seriously.  I mean that last one.  You know its true too:)

Stay tuned to Recovery Rising.  There is alot of good crazy coming out of my head.  For now it is time to get my booty to a recovery meeting.

Blessings,

Kristianna


There is only a fine line between crazy and genius:)