Making Rest A Priority And Sending Guilt Back To Bed! Why Is It So Difficult To Rest?

"What Guilt Looks Like"

I feel like shit.  I wasn't going to bother writing a blog because really, what is the point?  I could wait until next week or whenever.  It is not like it is a paying job or I have some huge audience drooling in anticipation for when I am going to share about my issues or observations of craziness or whatever.

I feel like shit physically. It takes everything for me right now move.  What is affecting me physically is also affecting me mentally.  There was just something in that walked over to the computer, sat me down and said, "Just type.  Keep attending to this blog.  You enjoy doing this.  You know it is therapeutic for you."  In which I responded in my best cranky inner head voice, "Whatever!"

 I am fighting myself right now. I am fighting with myself to rest.  My body is going through alot right now with cleansing, healing, and re balancing itself.  It has been adapting to a whole new way of existing without many foods and stimulants it has been used too.  It has been working with the help of herbal supplements to tend to the Candida I was diagnosed with, and it is also dealing with another issue I don't feel like sharing about.   It is at a time when it is doing its thing and its thing is requiring alot of energy.  While it is doing its thing it making me feel tired and lethargic and cranky.

I don't want to freaking rest.  I feel guilty.  Why do I have to feel guilty about laying my not- so- happy ass down for some time and resting!?  I mean rest is the loving, caring, move to make for myself.  That is tending to my needs.  Yes.  I am going to rest.  I just wish I could do it with a peace in my mind.

I know I am not the only one who fights them self to just sit the hell down and rest when exhausted.  I have heard it come out the mouths of people around me and seen numerous Facebook status updates sharing it.

So freaking what if I am laying down in the middle of the day?  So what if certain things don't get to tended to according to when I planned them too.   I know I don't have children so I don't have that piece to add to my guilt.  That would be a big one.  I would have to get advice from other Mamas and ask for help.

It is guilt.  That is the emotion.  Guilt.  Because of course I always have to know what the dominant emotion is creating this unrest.  Guilt.

That is fucked up that as a human I have to feel guilty about taking care of my own needs. Yes.  I said, "Fucked Up."

I am not going to go into my own private locker that is in my head that holds all the reasons why I feel guilty.  I know what they are and I am fully aware of them.  I have dragged them out of that locker, sat them down,  shined a mag light on them, pointed my finger and said, "Thank you for your driving force and your concern about everything and everybody else but seriously.... ENOUGH!!!  I do not need your services today.  Go back to your locker, pull a blanket over you, and go to sleep.  Shut down.  You are not needed in any way today."

Today I am giving myself permission to rest.  I am giving myself permission all weekend to rest.  I don't need a doctors excuse to tell me the prescription for what is ailing me is rest.  I can save the money.  My body is healing itself and it can't do it while my energy is being used in other places.

If anyone else has a problem with it then I don't know what to say.  Nobody really does that is just the crazies in my head doing their 90's slam dance of self-centered thinking on me.  If anyone did think anything of it then that is shit they have to look at in themselves.

I am taking care of me.  If I don't how they heck can I be good to care of anything or anyone else?

This countries work ethic and lack of teaching people about self-love and self-values has really fucked up peoples heads and priorities.  It is no wonder there is an overwhelming sense of guilt that comes to people when they think of just taking time to rest.  "Rest?  No.  That makes me weak. There is something wrong!  I am not being of value to everyone then?  Rest?  If I rest then I may have scary things happen to me like, feeling better, feeling peace, rejuvenated, or even forbid something I have not wanted to face or think about may creep up. Can't have that happen!  Rest?  Can't do it.  I would feel guilty.  That is for weak people.  I can't ask anyone to help.  Again, that is weakness.  I can pull my weight.  I can do it all.  The devil will make its way into my world  if I am idle....Ha!  That's a good one.  Gotta love the Puritan values that still resonate in our DNA.

Today the best thing I can do for my recovery and my health is rest.  Spend some time in the sun.  Do not do any physical activities.  Not even dancing.  No I am not dancing through this today.  I don't want to hear it.  I will sit down and meditate.  I will journal. I will go to a meeting.  If guilt gets up from its nap I will send it back to bed.  My self-love act for today is declaring this and making this weekend a weekend of rest!

That is all.  Thanks for listening.

"What Self-Love Looks Like"