I have the above quote on my refrigerator along with several other Whole 30 PDF information sheets to keep me motivated. I literally read that quote every time I go to the refrigerator. Sometimes it pumps me up and other times I want to throw a fist into the paper. A reoccurring thought that does come up when I read that is, "Have these people ever been addicts?" "Have these people ever experienced an eating disorder or dis-ordered eating?" Damn straight it is hard to break a food dependency. I've broken a drug dependency easier than food. No. I have never birthed a child but I have read several comments from women who have that have shared that giving birth was in fact easier than going 30 days with eating just whole foods and giving up those emotionally soothing foods.
I embarked on this Whole 30 not to lose weight or to do another body cleanse. I did it because I need the extra discipline and motivation to keep me from eating the foods that I love but that are harming my body and feeding pathogens that are stripping me of my well-being. I am also doing this to allow myself to get to another level of my healing process. I know I have a deep connection to food as source of safety and comfort and companionship. I also know this is connected to deep unresolved abandonment issues. I have already touched on this pain within the first few days of eliminating certain foods and trying to break certain routines that are connected to food and soothing this pain. I have known this pain has been within and have been slowly healing it. I believe because I have been present to that pain is why this time I am feeling the emotional dependence so much deeper. Which is good. I need too. Yet it is truly painful.
I did not have the energy or focus to start writing when I began on Day One. I don't generally like to blog about something I am going through in real time as I feel it is important to honor my process. I am however going to start sharing highlights of my day to day journal which will include awareness's, insights, and information pertaining to gut health and its effects on the brain and depression, emotional trauma and food issues, good food choices to support a recovery program, and of course self-love.
Days 1-10:
You will see below in the photos the outward manifestation of what is going on in my gut and why I had to do this. Nothing else was getting through to me. After years of taking NSAIDS (anti-inflammatory over the counter pills such as Excedrine, Advil, Etc) my stomach lining wore away leaving my body unprotected from toxins, food particles, and other pathogens that normally stay in the gut. They are now running free in my blood stream. This is called intestinal permeability or "leaky gut." I have also been dealing with an imbalance in my gut flora AKA candida albicans which also has an affect on gut health and body inflammation. Intestinal permeability (leaky gut) and candida albicans are body imbalances that feed off of each other. Both create systemic inflammation in the body. If one is present it can create the other. Both can contribute to joint and muscle pain, skin outbreaks, emotional imbalances including depression, uncontrollable urges to eat sugar and carbs, IBS, head aches, and a whole host of other symptoms.
I have known about these issues and I had tended to the candida issue last fall but did not stick to it. It is something that takes a minimum of three months sometimes up to a year or two to heal from. I gave it just shy of three months and did the old " I am feeling better" routine and fell off of my program. Eventually my symptoms came back. I will explain more about candida albicans in a later blog post as I feel it is important for everybody to be aware of- especially people recovering from drugs, food, and alcohol addictions.
I believe my body finally had enough of me not listening to it. I know it wants some relief from all of the invaders within it. It would send me signals here and there via food intolerance's, achiness, feelings in my stomach, mood swings, headaches, loss of energy. It started out gentle in its messages but in the end it spoke loud and clear on my face.
I have always had issues with break outs on my face. As far back as I can remember in my early 20's I have dealt with break out after break out. It has always been a part of my life. I have gone to dermatologists and have been prescribed painful topical medications, I have contributed to my candida outbreak by taking birth control pills filled with anti-biotics, I have had painful glycolic peels done in which I would joke that I was "going to get my face burned off today." Interesting thing is that nothing ever helped except the birth control with the antibiotics. Not one dermatologist ever suggested to tend to my eating. Not one mentioned "gut health" or "gut flora balance." Not one.
So here is a photo of me taken on day one. I have no make up on and there are no filters on the photos. This is now what happens to my face if I eat anything that may irritate my gut. I will go into all of that in a later blog post. I wanted to show this because I have no other choice but to listen to my body. This is why I chose to do this Whole 30 program. I don't believe my life will change or my skin will completely heal in 30 days. I am a realist. I am doing this for education and for supportive tools to help me make these lifestyle changes I need too because I can't do this alone. It is overwhelming emotionally and physically.
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| Day 0 |
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| Day 0 Words cannot describe how tired I feel here and will continue to feel for the next few days. Between Day one and four I will discover just how much food has been a de-stressor for me when I get home from work. I will feel the utter frustration and grief of not being able to "reach out." I will feel on a whole new level how connected my feelings of abandonment are to food. I will also dis-cover how my brain has been truly stuck in high beta fight or flight levels and I did not even realize it until I took away my de-stressing food. I will share more about the neurofeedback sessions this led me to finally do. |
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| Day 4 Going through mornings of waking up with blood sugar imbalances-not fun. Also having to eat something every couple hours because of blood sugar crashes. Luckily I have been through this adjustment phase before and knew not to keep any food in the house that would give me an excuse to go crazy eating because of a "blood sugar crash." I didn't even try to look for my husbands secret stash. This time I had plenty of fresh cut veggies and avocado dressing to snack on while I would fix my breakfast and deal with the uncomfortable nature of the blood sugar imbalance. Also bone broth that i am eating to help rebuild my stomach lining is helpful also to get blood sugar rebalanced. The body at this point is freaking out looking for sugar to burn and the candida is flipping out looking for food which is sugar. I want my body back for me! |
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| Day 4 |
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| Day 4 |
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| Day 6 Did I mention that while I was going these initial days I was working in a restaurant. It is one of the many hats I wear:) I spent the first three days surrounded by everything I could not consume. So not only could I not eat wheat, grains, sugar, and just about everything else except veggies and meat and sweet potatoes I had to serve all the foods I could not eat. That means my mind was going through its Rolodex of excuses when my blood sugar would be getting wonky. "Just eat those home ade chips. A blueberry pancake would help me feel so much better. Just drink a coke it will give you the energy to make it through the shift. You can start again tomorrow." I pack my lunch everyday. No flippin excuses. |
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| Day 6 Not much smiling going on this day! |
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| Day 6 I am feeling a bit more calm. Blood sugar is leveling out. Body is adjusting to burning fat and not sugar. Neurofeedback sessions seem to helping my brain to remain calm. I just had no clue the way my brain was operating was not normal. I am still pretty irritated at this point but emotionally I am stable. This is about the time I had my realizations about how my snacking is more about "hiding". Instead of reaching out to connect and talk with someone I choose to snack. Why? It is non-threatening. It is safe. My chips won't abandon me. Plus sometimes I just don't want to be around people. I am an introvert. Snacking in this way keeps me in the familiar limbo place of dis-empowerment. If I stay in the struggle between eating what is emotionally healthy and supportive of my body and eating what harms me I don't have to take responsibility. The yo-yo place is familiar. Its a emotional struggle but its familiar and safe. |
Why would I subject myself to such torture? A picture is worth a thousand words. See above.
All healing begins within.
No. This will not be a forever diet. It is a way of eating that will assist my body in healing so perhaps one day it can tolerate the foods I so enjoy. It is also a way of eating that will assist me in healing the emotional ties and dependence I have on certain foods. It is also a way for me to learn more about the connection between the gut and the brain.
I can stay where I am in frustration and misery. I can pop a pill to cover it up or I can bitch up about it for years. I am choosing to address it from the inside-out.
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| Day 10 Still Tired This is where I revisit my main reasons why I even chose to do this besides the obvious I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE I HAVE CHICKEN POX ON MY FACE! 1. I choose to know what vibrant health feels like 2. I choose to continue to heal this abandonment issue and the part food plays in it 3. I am sick and tired of feeling like my body is attacking me from the inside out (leaky gut) 4. I choose to build strength in my body through new ways of strength training 5. I choose to know what life is like feeling energized 6. I choose to be emotionally balanced through balancing my blood sugar levels 7. I choose to have the least amount of headaches as possible 8. I choose to tend to my recovery program by addressing the foods and drinks that could contribute to relapse 9. I choose to learn how to fix whole food dishes and to make life supporting food choices 10. I choose tp practice dis-ease prevention by learning how to eat properly 11. I choose to not be a food source for candida and claim sovereignty over my body |
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| Day 10 |
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| Day 10 |
What is the Whole30?
From the Whole 30 Website
Established by Dallas and Melissa Hartwig (of Whole9) in April 2009, the Whole30® is our original nutritional program designed to change your life in 30 days. Think of it as a short-term nutritional reset, designed to help you put an end to unhealthy cravings and habits, restore a healthy metabolism, heal your digestive tract, and balance your immune system.
Certain food groups (like sugar, grains, dairy and legumes) could be having a negative impact on your health and fitness without you even realizing it. Are your energy levels inconsistent or non-existent? Do you have aches and pains that can’t be explained by over-use or injury? Are you having a hard time losing weight no matter how hard you try? Do you have some sort of condition (like skin issues, digestive ailments, seasonal allergies or fertility issues) that medication hasn’t helped? These symptoms may be directly related to the foods you eat—even the “healthy” stuff.
So how do you know if (and how) these foods are affecting you? Strip them from your diet completely. Cut out all the psychologically unhealthy, hormone-unbalancing, gut-disrupting, inflammatory food groups for a full 30 days. Let your body heal and recover from whatever effects those foods may be causing. Push the “reset” button with your metabolism, systemic inflammation, and the downstream effects of the food choices you’ve been making. Learn once and for all how the foods you’ve been eating are actually affecting your day to day life, and your long term health.
It is a very simple and direct program that provides an abundance of online information, support, recipes, and the right amount of hard love and discipline that is needed to embark on a journey of shifting ones diet. It is closest to the "paleo" way of eating but you can also follow it if you are vegetarian/vegan or following an autoimmune protocol such as myself. It is best if you purchase and read the book, It Starts With Food by Dallas and Melissa Hartwig. Alot of what is in the book can also be found on the Whole 30 website but to really jump into the scientific reasons behind why grains, gluten, sugars, dairy, and other certain foods contribute to a host of dis-eases, pains, inflammation, allergies, intolerance's, and hormonal/emotional imbalances that most doctors are quick to prescribe pills for. This book is simple and to the point. The Whole 30 program invites you to follow their way of eating for 30 days. It is to change the way you think about food, change your habits and cravings, change your tastes, and quite possibly change the emotional relationship you have with food and your body.
Yes you eat food. Plenty of it. Meat, seafood, eggs, vegetables, some fruit, and PLENTY of good fats from oils, nuts, and seeds. Unless you are me and cannot eat nuts, seeds or eggs right now:)
No you cannot eat junk food. The point of eliminating junk food and all sodas is to regain a healthy metabolism, reduce systemic inflammation, and help you discover how these foods truly impact your health, fitness, and quality of life. This means no junk. No sugar of any kind. No sugar substitutes. No sugar alcohols. No paleo-fying foods or making gluten free versions of your old comfort foods. NO PANCAKES, cupcakes, donuts, bread, pastas, and just about everything that right now you would probably rather die than give up eating.
If you sign up for the daily e-mails it is most helpful as they know pretty much what you will feel like on each day. Thousands of people have gone through this and they have compiled results. Each e-mail provides support, educational tools about eating, recipes, and organizing and planning meals. How to navigate restaurants and workplaces. How to deal with family and social outings and some good old fashioned no-nonsense discipline.
Just as I was finishing this post up my husband came home from being gone all weekend and said, "I know you may not feel it but I can definitely tell a difference in your skin and you have a glow." Yay Day 10!
Onto Day 11 and a many new discoveries I will be sharing about on this journey.
Thank you for your support!
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