Listening To My Body And Releasing The Guilt: My Journey From Veganism To "Meat As Medicine."

It took many years and a few well meaning women professional healer friends to assist me in understanding that meat is a form of medicine.....  




It took about 5 years to get myself to a "no meat" lifestyle.  I started down the no meat path in 1996.  Basically there was life before the infamous Oprah "Mad Cow Disease" episode that aired in 1996 and life after.  Like many others that day who watched that episode I stopped eating red meat.  I mean I stopped that very day.  I couldn't do it.  Not after what I saw.  I stopped eating red meat but soon picked up chicken.  Honestly I had never eaten a piece of chicken that wasn't battered and fried before that time.  So for a couple years after that fateful Oprah show I found  myself consuming vast amounts of chicken.  At some point I started working out with a trainer at a gym who also made dietary suggestions to me.  I ate four meals a day each one consisting of chicken.  I cannot say exactly when it was that I decided to eliminate all meat I just know it was sometime around 2000-2001. It might have been when I allowed myself to stop being in denial about what happens to the chickens. I know by that time I was deep into Conversations With God by Neil Donald Walsh, A Course In Miracles by Inner Peace Foundation and the book that started my spiritual journey and awakened the first light codes within me, The Celestine Prophesy, by James Redfield.

The more I walked forward on my path of spirituality the less meat I wanted to consume.  After September 2001 I moved from New York City to Los Angeles, CA.  There is something in the air out in that place (besides smog).  Something intangible and electrifying.  It pulsates with a liquid creativity that when you stand in just the right place it flows right into you.  That area makes one want to turn back the clock by 10 years in regards to age.   For me it stripped me of any desire to consume meat that I may have had left in me.  It may not connect that way for everyone who goes out there, but, for me it was transformative.

Within weeks of moving out there I eliminated all meat and dairy from my diet. One of the first events I remember attending was an "Stop Animal Cruelty Festival" complete with vegan food vendors, booths about teaching compassion, streaming video of what happens in slaughterhouses, and Sophie B. Hawkins screaming on stage about someone leaving their dog in the car.  Now that is either irony or stupidity.  It was well over 100 degrees that day in October. NEVER LEAVE YOUR DOG IN THE CAR IN EXTREME TEMPERATURE'S!

My diet during that time of my life consisted of lots of veggie burgers, lots and lots of Boca Burgers and a plethora of other meat substitute items.  I mean really.....I did not want meat......but I still had an innate craving for it somewhere in me.  I wore vegan shoes, t-shirts that said "vegan", and I know I was adopting that attitude that seems to naturally develop when having to stand ones ground and make it be known, I DON"T EAT MEAT!

Oh Boca..Boca...Boca...

I fluctuated between a vegetarian and vegan lifestyle up until I went into recovery which would be around 2006.  I remember one day something inside of me suddenly craved a red meat burger.  I mean REALLY craved it.  It was strange and confusing but the feeling would not be ignored.  I remember feeling weak and low in energy around that time also.  I went to the local natural foods market and purchased some grass fed meat, took it home, George Forman'd it, and literally cried while taking that first bite.  As soon as I chewed it I remembered the taste of red meat as if no time had passed between 1996 and 2006.  I took another bite and then another until it was all gone.  I kid you not it was only a matter of minutes before it was like somebody pushed a red button that said "start" on my back. My energy level shot through the roof.  I went to work that night as the energizer bunny.

 I did not last long eating meat.  I ate it for a few months and then one day I just didn't want it anymore.  I was done.  So that was it.  My life shifted dramatically from 2006 on.  I got married, re-discovered Kundalini Yoga, got certified as a KY instructor, and assisted in opening up a Kundalini Yoga studio.  I never thought I would teach yoga or be considered a "yogi",but, before I knew it there I was immersed in a whole new spiritual world.  Now I really couldn't eat meat.  I was a yogi!  I had to follow the eight limbs of yoga.

The Eight Limbs Of Yoga are guidelines to live a meaningful and purposeful life.  The first limb of the eight limbs of yoga is referred to as Yama.  Yamas are universal practices that relate best to what we know as the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have done unto you."  The very first of the five yamas is Ahimsa: non-violence.  So there was really no way I was going to eat meat.  Plus now I was surrounded by all these "in the know" raw foodists and vegans.  I got to hear about the amazing powers of this super food and that one. I was intrigued at how this one type of seed could make me produce super powered excretions and that super powder could make my adrenals and libido soar to the moon.  I went on a raw food eating binge.  I bought the books and tried to figure out how the hell I was going to find the time to actually prepare these elaborate prana packed super foods.  I followed as close as I could to the yogic food recommendations given by Yogi Bhajan.  I listened closely to the physical and spiritual benefits of eating a yogic diet all through my teacher training.  Again it was becoming deeply ingrained in me that the only way I could be truly spiritual, heart centered, and ascend  is if I did not consume meat.

All the while I was going gung ho into this new yogic lifestyle my health was not good.  If you were to look at photos of me from times I was at Kundalini Yoga gatherings such as Summer Solstice or White Tantra my skin lacked glow. It was just plain dull. Their is a darkness to my eyes.  I am not putting myself down.  I am just acknowledging truth.  What is interesting is that at these yogic events the main foods that are served are beans, rice, and potatoes.  I was consuming a lot of beans and rice and potatoes.  Not only at yogic events but at home also.  I loved beans and rice.  I even went on a mung beans and rice fast for 30 days because it was said it was the "food of the Gods".  I read somewhere that  a person could live off of mung beans and rice for their whole life and be healthy. We ate alot of it at my teacher training out in New Mexico.  I believe some version  of beans and rice was available at mealtime every day. Looking back at photos of me at my training my skin was the same dull color plus I had a horrible break out on my face the whole time.  I remember the day that two Ayurveda practitioners came to speak at one of my classes. I went up to them after and asked them for suggestions about my break outs during training. I believe their advice was just for me to stop drinking yogi tea.  No one said put down the beans and rice.

I began this blog sharing about how it took several women to be truthful and bold with me about eating meat.  One beautiful healer friend took the time to really talk with me about how eating meat is part of  experience of being human for me in this lifetime. She helped me understand that it was okay to allow myself to eat meat in a human body.  It is sometimes a form of medicine.  The key is to do it with honor and reverence.  She is a wise shaman.  I was laying on her massage table receiving a healing session from her while she was sharing this with me.  I'll never forget her also saying that if she had a steak in her refrigerator she would go in there and cook it medium rare for me to eat right then. That is how much she was in tune with my body needing medicine in the form of meat.  It took another girl to share with me that she went from strict veganism to having to eat a paleo/primal diet because she was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and could no longer eat gluten and several other triggering foods.  She said after she started eating meat she felt stronger and more balanced.  When healer friends of hers looked at her auric field after she had added meat back into her diet they told her it had actually become stronger.  Both of these women really helped me.

I want to say I am eating an paleo autoimmune elimination diet and that is the answer to everything.  I can say that as I cannot be that rigid. I have to listen to my body.  I know tomorrow I may wake up and not want to eat meat.  I doubt that will happen  because for now it is assisting me.  I just have to stay flexible and not attached.  Practicing yoga has given me the ability to do this.  It has given me back to  my body. I listen to my body  through feelings, sensations, and intuition. I do not listen to guilt or shame or what the latest fad diet or scientific study says.  I don't follow what any spiritual path says or what religious dogma states.  I listen to my body and what it needs to heal and to become balanced.  Meat is a medicine and I respect and honor it and treat it as such.

It was just a month or so ago that I was at work barely able to walk up and down stairs.  I would hear messages in my head that said, "My body is attacking me."  No.  I wasn't going crazy...well...perhaps a bit considering the foods that I was eating.  My face had sores all over it and I couldn't stop picking at them.  I would walk around with my pockets full of tissues stained with blood that I had used to wipe off my face with.  I was so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  I knew what was going on had to do with my gut.  I knew something had to be done.  Every time I ate certain foods my face would break out into sores.

  I dove into reading about the gut/brain axis, the gut and psychology, autoimmune paleo, fermented foods, gluten, grains, legumes, dairy. After reading all the scientific evidence about the effects of gluten, legumes, wheat and dairy on the digestive system it hit me like a thunder bolt.  I looked back at all those photos of me at the yoga events. I looked at photos of me at all the periods of time I was a vegetarian.  Most of them show me as very sick looking.  It made perfect sense to me that my digestive system was out of balance.  My stomach lining was compromised and my gut flora was imbalanced. I don't know how long my body has been in this state.  All I know is the grains and super foods I was eating out of care and concern for other living beings were not showing care and concern for me.  If you really have a care to see visuals of what my face looked like and why I have stopped eating the above you can check out this post: http://recoveryrising.blogspot.com/2014/07/a-photo-journey-first-10-days-proof.html

I will be honest when I say I do not 100% agree with the fact that I have to take another living species life in order to re balance mine.  I suppose I can be thankful I feel like that because that means I have a conscious.  I will say with conviction that I pray and practice reiki over every piece of meat I do eat.  I only buy and eat 100% grass fed and finished.  I do my best to buy from local farms where the animals were able to be in pasture. It is not always possible for me to purchase from the farms.  When I can't do it that way I at least buy pastured or 100% grass fed beef from the natural food stores. I use the same level of consciousness when I purchase turkey, fish, or bison. I will only eat meat if I cook it or I take it somewhere to be cooked. If I know for sure where the meat was sourced from at a restaurant I will order it.  These are ways I have been able to have peace within me and honor the soul and medicine of the animal.  I could not do it any other way.

There are so many eating lifestyles out there now.  It is as diverse and sometimes as full of dogma as religion.  In fact it has gotten to a point where eating lifestyles have turned into religions.  It seems tensions rise and verbal arguments break out between people from different eating lifestyles just the same as two religious sects trying to prove their way to God is the only way.

During my time as a yoga instructor I have witnessed the internal struggle of students in regards to the topic of food-particularly eating meat.  Especially people new to yoga who start experiencing the wonderful benefits of showing up to class, maintaining a daily practice, and making connections within the community.  The struggle I have seen and heard is, "I still eat meat, I feel bad, I know I practice yoga which means I shouldn't eat it."  I have had students approach me after class and verbally process on me for 20 minutes and everything that they needed to work out within them simply boiled down, "To eat meat or not to eat meat."

So I am finishing this blog by saying this.  The body that is literally the vehicle for our soul to experience life on this planet is highly intelligent.  It has its own consciousness.  It knows what it needs to maintain a balance.  It knows what foods actually disturb it and knock it out of balance.  I it knows what foods it needs to bring it back into balance.  The only thing it needs is for the person who is inhabiting it to pay attention.  There will always be a new scientific study released saying something is beneficial and something is bad.  Then there will be another one a decade later proving that  previous study was wrong.

 Some people were born to experience life as a vegetarian or a vegan.  Others were born to know what it like to exist taking in meat.  Some people have been born to only eat fish and plant life and still others just want to eat fruit as a source of energy.  Whether we choose to eat our food cooked or consume it raw the fact of the matter is there is no ONE right way to good and balanced health and well being.  If a certain food feels right to eat for a time being listen to that.  Do not live your life based on what others may think.  They are not living in your body.  They do not have your body chemistry.   It is beautiful to have values to live by and ideals to strive to live up to, but, living a balanced life means having to find...the balance.  Having to be flexible.  Having to let go.  Wow.  Sounds like practicing yoga.

So I may not be able to call myself a "yogi" rather I am one who teaches yoga.  I may end up lifting my fork to my mouth one day and getting the message that its time to put the meat down.  Everything changes. Its called non-attachment. The thing I am most grateful about going on the journey of not eating meat to eating meat is that now I have tolerance and understanding for all paths of eating styles.  Just as I respect others choices for how they choose to eat all I ask is the same in return.

Here is to finding balance in all ways...........

Eating doesn't have to be stressful.  Go within and listen.


Thy Food is Thy Medicine!