It's Okay.
These two small words seem harmless. After all they are just two words and they are generally positive. So why would I call these two of the most dis empowering words of my personal vocabulary? It is not necessarily the words themselves as it is the underlying motivation for their use. If I think about it life is really lived day to day and moment by moment by not what is actually said but rather what is below the surface in the subtext. For me personally I have come to a profound awareness of how much I devalue myself on a daily basis when I speak the words, "It's okay."
What do I mean by this?
Sometimes it is natural and proper to answer someone with, "it's okay." It is a harmless phrase for most intents and purposes. When I find it harmful and dis empowering is when I use it as a way to excuse away someones lack of respect for me.
I did not make this connection until about a week ago when I was working on a trauma timeline assignment upon recommendation of my therapist. It was an intense project to work on and not for the faint of heart to have to look at. As I was looking at the patterns of experiences that happened to me over the past 30 some years I could literally feel myself shrinking inside. In fact that is exactly what happened to me over the first 30 years of my life. I shrunk. My true-inner- child-magical- self literally curled up in a ball within to hide away from a world of pain that was to much to bear. A false self was created. Walls were constructed around her. The magic was buried. The child went into hiding from a cruel world she felt did not care for her.
As I was reading this time line I felt my insides shrink. I felt my shoulders slump even more. I was reminded again of that part of me that does not feel worthy of existence. There is still a part of me that does not believe in my inherent value as a human being. That little girl within is still holding tight to the past. That belief that she does not matter. Apparently even though I have done tremendous self-healing work in this area there is still more work to do to assist with shifting this belief. It is a strong one in me! My inner child still holds this perception that was created by a lifetime of experiences that kept reinforcing in her that she is not worthy. It is no matter that the adult intellectual part of me understands I AM worthy and I have value. It is not the conscious that runs my programming, it is my subconscious. It is the patterns that were created when I was young. As I wrote above life is really lived in the subtle.... in what lies beneath.
For some reason going over that time line helped me realize one of the major ways I have still been reinforcing the belief that I don't matter and I am not worthy. I do it by how I respond when people disrespect or take advantage of me. One specific way I know I do this is when I let people take advantage of me is with my time. Or if I pay for a service that I was not happy with and don't speak up about it. Another way is women not returning my phone calls when I reach out to make a connection or reach out for support.
I know I call these people and situations into my life because they act as reinforcers of my personal belief system. I have caught on that their are certain people that repeatedly make me wait far past my scheduled appointment times. These people keep doing it because I let them. I give them permission. When they say, "I am sorry for making you wait"and I respond with slumped shoulders and an automatic, "Oh, it's okay" I am telling them how to treat me. I am telling them to keep doing it to me. Another way is when I reach out and call women to make a connection in my recovery program and do not get a return phone call. When I confront them later and ask if they received my message I usually get an,"I am busy or I am not good at calling people back" response. In which I respond with, "Oh, it's okay."
The thing is: IT IS NOT OKAY!
Every time I say those words what I am really saying is:
"Oh, no worries. I don't want YOU to feel bad or awkward or anything strange. Its okay. I don't really matter anyway. I am used to it. Keep going ahead and doing it to me. It is just who you are and I accept it. I know you are busy and important and have many other things to do and people to talk too. I totally accept being treated like that. It doesn't matter because I know I don't matter. Its just my reality. I'm used to it. Don't even worry about it."
That is really what i am saying when I say, "It's Okay."
The day after I made this realization I had the opportunity to experience the power of NOT speaking those two words. I found myself at a gathering with other women that are part of a that recovery program I spoke of. I happened to pass one of the women as she was leaving. I wasn't going to say anything to her but something in me pushed me forward. I simply asked her if she had gotten the voice mail I had left for her a week or so earlier asking her if we could meet for tea so I could get to know her better. It took her a few moments until she responded with, "Oh yes. I am sorry. I am bad at calling people back. Just ask so and so. I have been busy." I could feel my automatic response wanting to burst out of my lips, but, instead I just stood there and listened. I didn't say those two words. I refused. It was strange. It felt strange in my body, but, I held my ground. Yes. I new she was a busy lady but....... so am I. Before she departed I did compliment her on the pants she was wearing. I then felt a surge of energy burst forth. It felt strange and good. I felt happy. It was like my true self peeked out for just a few moments. My inner child heard me not de-value her. It wasn't in what I said. It was in what I didn't say that spoke the loudest to my inner child and let her know, she mattered!
What has also been a profound awareness is how much I have done certain things to other people that do not honor their value. Yes. I admit it. I would be completely out of integrity if I wrote this post and did not take responsibility for doing some of the same things that hurt me to other people. I am telling myself today, IT IS NOT OKAY to do that to others. It is part of the lesson I have to learn about values. Every human deserves the right to know and understand they matter just by right of being born. Every human being has a value because they were created by the divine. If I want my inner child/my subconscious patterns to continue to shift I have to not only build that sense of worth in myself, but also do things that help build it in others. In a balanced way that is honoring both people. This can be done by simple actions such as calling someone back, respecting someones time, or simply asking how someone is feeling.
It is going to take some work for me to break out of that pattern of saying, "Its okay." Now that I am aware of it I am seeing just how much I allow myself to say it. It is hard not to be frustrated by it but I just keep reminding myself that it takes time to undo a belief pattern that has been a lifetime in the making.
It really is fascinating when I stop and think about just how much the truth does reside in the subtle.
In the unspoken.
In the subconscious.
In the subtext.
"It's okay"
Is it? Really?
If you are reading this post think about some of your go to responses. The automatic ones that just burst out of your mouth. You know the one. The one that is a mask. Notice today and tomorrow when you say those words or phrase. Is it empowering or disempowering? What are you really saying? Go ahead. It's okay. When I say those two words this time I mean it!
What lies beneath…..
The Truth is What Will Set Us Free!
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