"Self- Image is the image your ego believes. It takes its cues from outside influences and is fueled by the fear of what others may think. We hold our self- image based on feedback we have received from others." -Deepak Chopra and Oprah's 21 Day Miraculous Relationships Meditation.
The crazy in my head today insisted it dump out all the mumble jumble regarding the identity crisis I am going through.
The following question has been running through my mind lately, "Has anyone else past the age of 30 ever experienced a time in their life when they did not know really know who the frack they were?" The crazy thoughts in my head like to make me believe I am the only one who has ever gone through an identity crisis. The crazies like to make me believe I am always a special case. I am the center of the world ya know. They like to convince me that everyone else around me has it together and I am the only one who is lost.
I wrote in my last blog about how I stepped back from writing because something just wasn't feeling right about it anymore. Turns out that was just a small piece of a larger issue that was slowly creeping up to the surface of my reality. The fact is for a long time now many things have not felt right about my life. I have felt frustrated, it has been super hard for me to breath, my health has been poor, I have gotten annoyed at myself, annoyed at others, and annoyed at life in general. I allowed myself to be taken over my negative mind and for the longest time I have not been the nicest human being.
Living in a state of being like the one I just described is not an enjoyable place to be. It is certainly not living a life of recovery or just plain living the life I deserve...happy, joyous and free. See, I am not one to sit by and let things continue without playing the "observer" of my life so I started to pay attention.
As I went through my day I would start noticing what was sparking me to feel crazy annoyed. I would start to feel my body tense up with frustration when people would say certain comments to me. I would feel my eyes roll into the back of my head when I would see certain images or read certain posts on Facebook. I would cringe when I would think about attending certain activities in the community that I once thought were events I should like. As I paid more attention to why I was feeling so annoyed and uncomfortable and always wanting to scream I realized what was going on. I knew I was fighting myself from admitting.......
I WAS NOT BEING AUTHENTIC!!!!
I was actually holding onto an image of myself I had created based on the roles I took on a few years ago as a yoga instructor and yoga studio owner. That image was created by me and would eventually be fueled and sustained by what people started to see me as based on their feedback. I really don't know how it happened. It just....happened. I mean don't get me wrong. I loved being of service and assisting in bringing forth that studio. I loved teaching yoga every week that first couple of years and currently I still do love teaching my Recovery Rising series. I just got carried away trying to live up to a self-created image of myself not based on actual reality. I was also trying to keep up living a lifestyle I thought I should be living because I was in the compassionate loving world of yoga.
In my head I somehow thought that I was going to be some healthy lifestyle expert and a yoga instructor that could provide all the perfect answers to students questions of life. I wanted to be that woman on the cover of the health magazine who was all glowing and dewy because she sustained herself on eating grass, nuts, berries, and kombucha tea. I wanted to be raw and vegan and live an eco-friendly sustainable lifestyle and know how to make smoothies and juices and I wanted to know what all the cool superfoods were.
I thought I was suppose to love attending kirtans. I was to love giving myself over to the ecstasy of the rhythm of my heart chakra as it opened and pulsated in unison with my crown chakra. That unison would elevate me as I danced to the music all while being completely connected and at one with the universe. I also tried to get into numerology, crystals, and oh good grief, it just went on and on.
I had really held onto this image of me in my head as this person. I mean, didn't I learn from my new thought teachings that if I were to hold an image long enough I would manifest it and soon become it? Yeah, right! The honest to Gods truth is -that image I held just did NOT work for me. My soul always knew the truth. It always does. My inner child does too. She will always convey to me through feeling when I am out of alignment. When I am not honoring those two aspects of my self ..... whoa nelly....it is breakdown time for me.
Even though it was becoming more clear what was causing me to walk around feeling annoyed at the world I still did not want to fully face the truth. I allowed myself to stay in denial. What the hell would I be if I couldn't play this role anymore? I mean, why couldn't I be a shiny example of a raw food eating, yoga teaching, spiritual counseling, eco-conscious, festival going, astrology and numerology and crystal loving person. Many of the people I hung around with were.
Truth is. I really don't know. I just know it is not me. I finally had to sit my ass down and get truthful with myself about this or continue feeling how I was feeling....like shit. The following list is what I came up with. It wasn't easy to make myself face the following truths about myself. I can say just after writing one down I immediately started to feel a sense of relief. The more I wrote down the deeper I could breath. I was really facing reality and not some perceived sense of reality. It was deep man!
The fact of the matter is this is what my truth is right now ( always subject to change):
1. I am a "mindful" eater which means I mind to what my body needs. Its needs are always changing. I don't label myself as a vegan, vegetarian, raw, etc. Currently my body needs meat. Yes. I eat meat! I eat turkey and fish and occasionally red meat and I like it. It nourishes me and sustains me. I eat it only if it is organic, grass fed and has no hormones or antibiotics. I cook it myself at home or I will eat at a place I know will have the above standards. Most important is that I respectively pray and thank the animal for its medicine.
2. I don't drink juice anymore because it actually creates a not so positive condition in my body. I didn't know that two years ago. I just knew it I wanted to experience the positive benefits it had on others for myself. I also felt so juicy cool spouting off all the time that I was enjoying my awesome juice made of eight different greens. Seriously juicing is not for everyone.
3. My life does not revolve around yoga. I do not currently teach it. I do practice restorative yoga and Kundalini yoga on occasion. You will probably not ever see photos of me in hatha yoga postures. I originally went into teacher training for Kundalini Yoga to learn tools I could one day incorporate into a program I was creating in my mind for recovery and self-esteem . I did not really intend to open a yoga studio and teach every week. I did eventually create the recovery program I originally set out to and that is what my area of focus will be sometime in the future.
4. I do not follow a true yogic lifestyle.
5. I barely know how to cook and I am still trying to figure out what foods work best for me. I do not touch most raw foods anymore except an occasional salad, soaked almonds, and fermented raw vegetables. Again, raw unfermented vegetables do not do well in my system. Just because something looks crazy, sexy, cool does not mean it is meant for everyone.
6. Do not ask me about astrology or numerology. I can refer you to an amazing people who do live and breath it. They are awesome.
7. I do enjoy an occasional kirtan gathering but I just don't live for them....I tried too.....I can do about one or two a year. Then I am over it. I do wonder how I would feel if I were the one singing? Hmmmm.....
8. I want to contribute to making the earth a better place and be all sustainable and stuff but I probably don't do a very good job at it. I recycle. That's something. I tried the whole compost thing a couple years ago. The compost container is sitting out in the backyard with weeds growing in it. I tried. Perhaps one day. I do want to grow fresh garlic one day. Fresh garlic is the bomb.
9. Most of my cleaning products are natural but I am confessing that there is a bottle of Lysol and Goo Gone under my kitchen sink and Kroger brand hand wash in the upstairs bathroom.
10. I will say this.....I make sure apporximatley 90% of the foods I eat are organic. I am firm about that!
11. I really don't like Kombucha Tea. I tried too. It just sucks. I do drink coconut kefir though. It is much better. I'll admit that.
12. I want to learn a martial art. One day I will train. I will kick ass and probably get my ass kicked. At least I will feel alive.
13. I prefer dancing to sitting down and meditating. I still do practice meditation because it assists with calming the crazies in my head.
14. I swear more than I probably should. It is not classy I know. I do my best to keep it out of sacred spaces: )
I know darn well it was my shaky self-worth that attached itself tight to the role of a yoga instructor and studio owner. The start of the studio was prior to all the healing and trauma recovery I would eventually go through. When I assisted in opening the studio my self-worth was still based primarily on what I did and accomplished and not who I was just being a human. Prior to stepping into the yoga teacher role I really did not pay much attention to the above lifestyle I tried to live. Having a new purpose and a title made me feel a sense of worth I hadn't felt before. It was nice. I felt grown up. It just didn't last. Truth will always rise to the surface no matter what.
Now I ask myself, who am I ? What do I want to be when I grow up? I am starting my 12 step worksbook so I am sure way more will be revealed:) It is still just really freaking strange. No matter though. It is worth it to be in the uncomfortable feeling of transition and uncertainty knowing I finally got honest with myself. There is sweet freedom in facing reality. I really do feel like I have no identity.
I am enjoying writing again because I am allowing my true personality to come through this time and I am not holding back. I am going to do my best to keep the following in mind as I go through this transition...
"I am so much more than an image I hold of myself based on the outside world. Today I will do my best to accept who I am right now in this moment with kindness, compassion, and love." I will probably forget to do that, but, its nice I am writing it down so I can look back at this and remind myself:) Hey, I am just being honest!
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