Yesterday I attended a mindful living course at my church, Unity Church for Positive Living. It was week one of a 9 week course being facilitated by Rev. Denise Yeargin. I arrived a couple minutes late and quietly made my way towards the sanctuary. As I tip toed closer to the open door of the room I noticed everyone was sitting in silence with eyes closed. I stood in the door way being mindful as to not make noise.
Rev. Denise saw me, walked over and lovingly put her arms around me. She whispered in my ear that everyone was in a few minutes of silence to set their intention for the course and life in general for the next 9 weeks. I could feel my breath grow shallow and fear break dancing in my stomach. I knew right away what my intention was. I couldn't help but to know what it was. I felt like I had no other choice of intention. I mean I always have a choice. Everyone has the God given right to choose in any moment how their life is going to go.
I do have the choice to keep on living in an unauthentic state of being.
I do have the choice to continue walking around feeling half alive knowing the outside does not match the inside.
I always have the choice of feeling confused, frustrated and angry.
I can choose to embrace the fear of change and personal empowerment.
I can choose to discover who I really am as the life built from childhood trauma wounds crumbles away.
I can choose to believe in myself once and for all.
I can choose to continue staying in my comfort zone which actually should be renamed "pain zone."
I always have a choice.
The intention I chose last night was to "Discover and Live My Truth." It sounds so simple, right? Wrong! As I shared what I had written with my small group one gentleman shared that living in ones truth is probably one of the hardest things for anyone to do. "That's just great." I thought. "Is there anything I do in my life that doesn't require 150% intensity!?"
The truth that I know so far is I am being confronted with something I have been avoiding for almost 20 years and I am scared out of my mind to walk into it and through it. The truth is if I do it I just may discover what I am actually made of. The truth is I was born an "artist" and I will do anything right now to avoid being creative. I have been told I am a fairy whose light has short circuited because I disconnected myself from the very things that allow fairies inner lights to shine.
The truth is I asked for this. I asked to be a trauma survivor not a victim. I asked the divine for what I needed to do to allow myself to live a life in color. I asked this past weekend at the Oneness Deepening for the blocks to be removed so I could connect authentically with myself and the world. I asked for Awakening. Oh good God, I had no idea what would hit me afterwards!
A mindful way of living right now is what will keep me connected to discovering what I need to do to live my truth. When I am fully connected with the moment of now and in my body I cannot run from the truth. I have to feel it. If I keep feeling it eventually I have to do something about it. I have to make a choice.
We were asked last night to share some ways in which one could come into a mindful state of being. My first answer was and always will be "the breath." Breathing is the fastest way to bring one to the present moment. Deep breathing past the chest and into the center of the body. It is the fastest route to bringing calm within and allowing for feelings and awareness to bubble up to the surface.
I have to keep acknowledging my fear right now. I have to surrender to it and fully feel it. That is the only way I can walk through it. I have to be mindful of what is going on within because that is where my answers and direction reside. The only way I can keep moving forward is to keep in the present moment as much as possible.
This is the year. This is the time.
Surrender.
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