A Photo Journey: The First 10 Days. Proof that Food Heals The Body and Emotions. Its Written On My Face....

 "It is not hard.  Don't you dare tell us this is hard.  Beating cancer is hard.  Birthing a baby is hard.  Losing a parent is hard.  Drinking your coffee black.  Is.  Not.  Hard.  You have done harder things than this, and you have no excuse not to complete the program as written.  It is only thirty days, and it is for the most important health cause on earth-the only physical body you will ever have in this life time."-Whole 30 Program Rules

I have the above quote on my refrigerator along with several other Whole 30 PDF information sheets to keep me motivated.  I literally read that quote every time I go to the refrigerator.  Sometimes it pumps me up and other times I want to throw a fist into the paper.  A reoccurring thought that does come up when I read that is, "Have these people ever been addicts?" "Have these people ever experienced an eating disorder or dis-ordered eating?" Damn straight it is hard to break a food dependency.  I've broken a drug dependency easier than food.  No.  I have never birthed a child but I have read several comments from women who have that have shared that giving birth was in fact easier than going 30 days with eating just whole foods and giving up those emotionally soothing foods.

I embarked on this Whole 30 not to lose weight or to do another body cleanse.  I did it because I need the extra discipline and motivation to keep me from eating the foods that I love but that are harming my body and feeding pathogens that are stripping me of my well-being.  I am also doing this to allow myself to get to another level of my healing process.  I know I have a deep connection to food as source of safety and comfort and companionship.  I also know this is connected to deep unresolved abandonment issues.  I have already touched on this pain within the first few days of eliminating certain foods and trying to break certain routines that are connected to food and soothing this pain.  I have known this pain has been within and have been slowly healing it.  I believe because I have been present to that pain is why this time I am feeling the emotional dependence so much deeper.  Which is good.  I need too.  Yet it is truly painful.

I did not have the energy or focus to start writing when I began on Day One.  I don't generally like to blog about something I am going through in real time as I feel it is important to honor my process.  I am however going to start sharing highlights of my day to day journal which will include awareness's, insights, and information pertaining to gut health and its effects on the brain and depression, emotional trauma and food issues, good food choices to support a recovery program, and of course self-love.

Days 1-10:

You will see below in the photos the outward manifestation of what is going on in my gut and why I had to do this.  Nothing else was getting through to me.  After years of taking NSAIDS (anti-inflammatory over the counter pills such as Excedrine, Advil, Etc) my stomach lining wore away leaving my body unprotected from toxins, food particles, and other pathogens that normally stay in the gut.  They are now running free in my blood stream. This is called intestinal permeability or "leaky gut."   I have also been dealing with an imbalance in my gut flora AKA candida albicans which also has an affect on gut health and body inflammation.  Intestinal permeability (leaky gut) and candida albicans are body imbalances that feed off of each other.  Both create systemic inflammation in the body.  If one is present it can create the other.  Both can contribute to joint and muscle pain, skin outbreaks, emotional imbalances including depression, uncontrollable urges to eat sugar and carbs, IBS, head aches, and a whole host of other symptoms.

I have known about these issues and I had tended to the candida issue last fall but did not stick to it.  It is something that takes a minimum of three months sometimes up to a year or two to heal from.  I gave it just shy of three months and did the old " I am feeling better" routine and fell off of my program.  Eventually my symptoms came back.  I will explain more about candida albicans in a later blog post as I feel it is important for everybody to be aware of- especially people recovering from drugs, food, and alcohol addictions.

I believe my body finally had enough of me not listening to it.  I know it wants some relief from all of the invaders within it.  It would send me signals here and there via food intolerance's, achiness, feelings in my stomach, mood swings, headaches, loss of energy.  It started out gentle in its messages but in the end it spoke loud and clear on my face.

I have always had issues with break outs on my face.  As far back as I can remember in my early 20's I have dealt with break out after break out.  It has always been a part of my life.  I have gone to dermatologists and have been prescribed painful topical medications, I have contributed to my candida outbreak by taking birth control pills filled with anti-biotics, I have had painful glycolic peels done in which I would joke that I was "going to get my face burned off today."  Interesting thing is that nothing ever helped except the birth control with the antibiotics.  Not one dermatologist ever suggested to tend to my eating.  Not one mentioned "gut health" or "gut flora balance."  Not one.

So here is a photo of me taken on day one.  I have no make up on and there are no filters on the photos.  This is now what happens to my face if I eat anything that may irritate my gut.  I will go into all of that in a later blog post.  I wanted to show this because I have no other choice but to listen to my body.  This is why I chose to do this Whole 30 program.  I don't believe my life will change or my skin will completely heal in 30 days.  I am a realist.  I am doing this for education and for supportive tools to help me make these lifestyle changes I need too because I can't do this alone.  It is overwhelming emotionally and physically.

Day 0

Day 0
Words cannot describe how tired I feel here and will continue to feel for the next few days.  Between Day one and four I will discover just how much food has been a de-stressor for me when I get home from work.  I will feel the utter frustration and grief of not being able to "reach out."  I will feel on a whole new level how connected my feelings of abandonment are to food.  I will also dis-cover how my brain has been truly stuck in high beta fight or flight levels and I did not even realize it until I took away my de-stressing food.  I will share more about the neurofeedback sessions this led me to finally do.

I took these photos the night before I committed to starting the Whole 30 program.  I believe I feasted on plenty of chips this day.  Chips are a huge love of mine emotionally...physically not so much:(

Day 4

Going through mornings of waking up with blood sugar imbalances-not fun.  Also having to eat something every couple hours because of blood sugar crashes.  Luckily I have been through this adjustment phase before and knew not to keep any food in the house that would give me an excuse to go crazy eating because of a "blood sugar crash."  I didn't even try to look for my husbands secret stash.  This time I had plenty of fresh cut veggies and avocado dressing to snack on while I would fix my breakfast and deal with the uncomfortable nature of the blood sugar imbalance.  Also bone broth that i am eating to help rebuild my stomach lining is helpful also to get blood sugar rebalanced.  The body at this point is freaking out looking for sugar to burn and the candida is flipping out looking for food which is sugar.  I want my body back for me!

Day 4

Day 4

I tried my best to stand in the same place with the same lighting and of course no filters on the photo!

Day 6
Did I mention that while I was going these initial days I was working in a restaurant. It is one of the many hats I wear:)  I spent the first three days surrounded by everything I could not consume.  So not only could I not eat wheat, grains, sugar, and just about everything else except veggies and meat and sweet potatoes I had to serve all the foods I could not eat.  That means my mind was going through its Rolodex of excuses when my blood sugar would be getting wonky.  "Just eat those home ade chips.  A blueberry pancake would help me feel so much better.  Just drink a coke it will give you the energy to make it through the shift.  You can start again tomorrow."  I pack my lunch everyday.  No flippin excuses.

Day 6
Not much smiling going on this day!

Day 6
I am feeling a bit more calm.  Blood sugar is leveling out.  Body is adjusting to burning fat and not sugar.  Neurofeedback sessions seem to helping my brain to remain calm.  I just had no clue the way my brain was operating was not normal.  I am still pretty irritated at this point but emotionally I am stable.  This is about the time I had my realizations about how my snacking is more about "hiding".   Instead of reaching out to connect and talk with someone I choose to snack.  Why?  It is non-threatening.  It is safe.  My chips won't abandon me. Plus sometimes I just don't want to be around people.  I am an introvert.  Snacking in this way keeps me in the familiar limbo place of dis-empowerment.  If I stay in the struggle between eating what is emotionally healthy and supportive of my body and eating what harms me I don't have to take responsibility.  The yo-yo place is familiar.  Its a emotional struggle but its familiar and safe.

This is the result of six days of not eating gut irritating foods including ALL grains including pseudo grains such as quinoa, millet, amaranth.  I am not eating legumes/beans.  I have also eliminated ALL sugars (I have an extensive list of all the names of different forms of sugars to look out for....its exhausting just looking at it.)  I am also not eating any nightshades including white potatoes and tomatoes and of course NO dairy products and because I am also tending to this candida imbalance I have to eliminate fruit also...except occasional green apples in a juice.

Why would I subject myself to such torture?  A picture is worth a thousand words.  See above.  

All healing begins within.   

No.  This will not be a forever diet.  It is a way of eating that will assist my body in healing so perhaps one day it can tolerate the foods I so enjoy.  It is also a way of eating that will assist me in healing the emotional ties and dependence I have on certain foods.  It is also a way for me to learn more about the connection between the gut and the brain.

I can stay where I am in frustration and misery.  I can pop a pill to cover it up or I can bitch up about it for years.  I am choosing to address it from the inside-out.

  

Day 10  Still Tired
This is where I revisit my main reasons why I even chose to do this besides the obvious I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE I HAVE CHICKEN POX ON MY FACE!
1.  I choose to know what vibrant health feels like
2. I choose to continue to heal this abandonment issue and the part food plays in it
3. I am sick and tired of feeling like my body is attacking me from the inside out (leaky gut)
4.  I choose to build strength in my body through new ways of strength training
5.  I choose to know what life is like feeling energized
6.  I choose to be emotionally balanced through balancing my blood sugar levels
7.  I choose to have the least amount of headaches as possible
8.  I choose to tend to my recovery program by addressing the foods and drinks that could contribute to relapse
9.  I choose to learn how to fix whole food dishes and to make life supporting food choices
10.  I choose tp practice dis-ease prevention by learning how to eat properly
11.  I choose to not be a food source for candida and claim sovereignty over my body

Day 10

Day 10

What is the Whole30?

From the Whole 30 Website

Established by Dallas and Melissa Hartwig (of Whole9) in April 2009, the Whole30® is our original nutritional program designed to change your life in 30 days. Think of it as a short-term nutritional reset, designed to help you put an end to unhealthy cravings and habits, restore a healthy metabolism, heal your digestive tract, and balance your immune system.

Certain food groups (like sugar, grains, dairy and legumes) could be having a negative impact on your health and fitness without you even realizing it. Are your energy levels inconsistent or non-existent? Do you have aches and pains that can’t be explained by over-use or injury? Are you having a hard time losing weight no matter how hard you try? Do you have some sort of condition (like skin issues, digestive ailments, seasonal allergies or fertility issues) that medication hasn’t helped? These symptoms may be directly related to the foods you eat—even the “healthy” stuff.

So how do you know if (and how) these foods are affecting you? Strip them from your diet completely. Cut out all the psychologically unhealthy, hormone-unbalancing, gut-disrupting, inflammatory food groups for a full 30 days. Let your body heal and recover from whatever effects those foods may be causing. Push the “reset” button with your metabolism, systemic inflammation, and the downstream effects of the food choices you’ve been making. Learn once and for all how the foods you’ve been eating are actually affecting your day to day life, and your long term health.

- See more at: http://whole30.com/step-one/#sthash.tKt84N31.dpuf

It is a very simple and direct program that provides an abundance of online information, support, recipes, and the right amount of hard love and discipline that is needed to embark on a journey of shifting ones diet.  It is closest to the "paleo" way of eating but you can also follow it if you are vegetarian/vegan or following an autoimmune protocol such as myself.  It is best if you purchase and read the book,  It Starts With Food by Dallas and Melissa Hartwig.  Alot of what is in the book can also be found on the Whole 30 website but to really jump into the scientific reasons behind why grains, gluten, sugars, dairy, and other certain foods contribute to a host of dis-eases, pains, inflammation, allergies, intolerance's, and hormonal/emotional imbalances that most doctors are quick to prescribe pills for.  This book is simple and to the point.  The Whole 30 program invites you to follow their way of eating for 30 days.  It is to change the way you think about food, change your habits and cravings, change your tastes, and quite possibly change the emotional relationship you have with food and your body.  

Yes you eat food.  Plenty of it.  Meat, seafood, eggs, vegetables, some fruit, and PLENTY of good fats from oils, nuts, and seeds.  Unless you are me and cannot eat nuts, seeds or eggs right now:)

No you cannot eat junk food.  The point of eliminating junk food and all sodas is to regain a healthy metabolism, reduce systemic inflammation, and help you discover how these foods truly impact your health, fitness, and quality of life.  This means no junk.  No sugar of any kind. No sugar substitutes. No sugar alcohols.  No paleo-fying foods or making gluten free versions of your old comfort foods.  NO PANCAKES, cupcakes, donuts, bread, pastas, and just about everything that right now you would probably rather die than give up eating.  

If you sign up for the daily e-mails it is most helpful as they know pretty much what you will feel like on each day.  Thousands of people have gone through this and they have compiled results.  Each e-mail provides support, educational tools about eating, recipes, and organizing and planning meals.  How to navigate restaurants and workplaces.  How to deal with family and social outings and some good old fashioned no-nonsense discipline.

www.whole30.com

Just as I was finishing this post up my husband came home from being gone all weekend and said, "I know you may not feel it but I can definitely tell a difference in your skin and you have a glow."  Yay Day 10!

Onto Day 11 and a many new discoveries I will be sharing about on this journey.  

Thank you for your support!

32 Reasons Why Addiction is Both A Gift and A Curse

 32 Reasons Addiction is Both A Gift and a Curse

Addiction is a Curse:

1.  It is a curse because in active addiction one DOES NOT HAVE A CHOICE.

2.  It is a curse when you are taking a substance that you know is harming you and no matter how much destruction you know it is causing to your body you just cannot stop.

3.  It is a curse when loved ones have to bear witness to the self-centered, destructive, actions of some one in active addiction.

4.  It is a curse because it leads one to reach out to anything to help fill the emptiness within-the spiritual void.  It constantly has us looking for that person, place, or thing that will make everything all right and that will help us cope with daiy living and reality.

5.  It is a curse when one walks around in denial that they are in fact an addict.

6.  It is a curse when the disease of addiction  has someone convinced that just because they are still functioning in their job, earning an income, and have a roof over their head they could not possibly be considered an addict.

7.  It is a curse when using for fun on the weekends turns into having to use every day of the week.

8.  It is a curse when one thinks an addict is only someone who is a junkie living on the streets and not someone who is a mom that takes prescription painkillers everyday.

9.  It is a curse when a person does not want to reach out for help because they think it would be a sign of weakness or sickness in the eyes of society.

10.  It is a curse when the shame is to great to to ask for help.

11.  It is a curse when people around do not understand the nature of addiction and do not take the time to understand addiction is a symptom of deeper core issues that are both psychological and physiological in nature.

12.  It is a curse a person thinks addiction only applies to "drugs and alcohol."  (Alcohol is a drug)

13.  It is a curse when one has sought out a path of recovery and then chooses to go back out and use again.

14.  It is  a curse when you are in a recovery program and do not apply the simple suggestions laid out to maintain a solid path of recovery.

15.  It is a curse when one is clean but living dirty.  Putting down the substance or behavior does not equal recovery.

16.  It is a curse because the ultimate goal of the dis-ease of addiction is to take a person to their death.

Only an addict knows that throbbing sensation of every cell in their body screaming for just one more.  The addict knows the agony that is felt when every fiber of their being is pulsating with the need to satisfy the craving.   An addict knows the curse of obsessive thoughts that do stop until the compulsive actions kick in to do whatever needs to be done to feed the addiction.  The thoughts that just cry for one more hit over and over and over.  Whatever needs to be done to stop them..….

Addiction is a Gift:

1.  It is a gift if one understands addiction is a symptom of a deep emotional core issue(s) and/or physiological and energetic imbalances.

2.  It is a gift because it alerts people to the reality that something within is just not right.  Something needs to be paid attention too.  It provides an opportunity for the suffering addict to learn about themselves on a deep level and to heal deep emotional wounds, traumas, and core issues that otherwise would cause pain and heartache for the rest of ones life.

3.  It is a gift that leads people into support communities with others who understand how someone with the dis-ease of addiction thinks, functions, and, interacts with society.

4.  It is a gift because someone with the dis-ease of addiction can reach out and be there for another who is suffering.  An addict understands another addict in a way others may not.  There is a therapeutic value when one addict helps another.

5.  It is a gift because it creates an incredible sense of compassion for self and others and deep sense of humility.

6.  It is a gift because it teaches self-forgiveness and forgiveness towards others.

7.  It is a gift because having the dis-ease of addiction teaches us to live "just for today" and that every day without using is a day won.

8.  It is a gift because people who are addicts come to understand the power there is in "surrendering to win."

9.  It is a gift because it allows a bunch of self-centered, self-obsessed people learn how to put into practice spiritual principles and actions such as  humility, compassion, self-love, love for others, forgiveness, and selfless service.

10.  It is a gift because gratitude is learned and experienced at a deep level.

11.  It is a gift because when one realizes they have the dis-ease of addiction they can rest assured they are not defective or have a moral deficiency.  There is hope.

12.  It is a gift because it teaches us to believe there is something greater than ourselves that can assist us in life…..beginning with lifting the desire to use and/or act out in a destructive behavior.

13.  It is a gift because it leads one to better understand that feeling of emptiness within that they were trying to fill with drugs/alcohol, etc.

14. It is a gift because it brings awareness to the need to be honest with self and others.

15.  It is a gift because when one becomes aware they are an addict they can begin to move out of a life lived in fear.

16.  It is a gift because it can lead one to an spiritual awakening.



When I speak of addiction as a gift I am speaking of it when one has started down a path of recovery.  That is when addiction turns into a gift.  Until then it can feel like a curse.  If I am following the suggestions given to me that have assisted countless other addicts in staying clean and living a life based on spiritual principles on a day to day basis then addiction is a gift.  If I don't follow the simple time tested suggestions than addiction can quickly become a curse.

 There are different paths of recovery out there one can choose to walk down mine just happens to be the path of 12 steps.  I do struggle from time to time with being in a 12 step environment.  There are some things about it that I just don't resonate with, but, the benefits far outweigh the parts of it that bother me.  It has saved my life in many ways.  It provides the "handbook" on how to face ones self and the insanity that is created in ones life from active addiction.  It teaches an addict how to take responsibility for their past actions, understand who they are, become aware of their assets as well as defects, ask for defects to be removed, make amends to others as needed, and give back to society through selfless service work.

It ultimately teaches one how to grow up and be a responsible member of society living a life based on spiritual NOT RELIGIOUS principles.

Is addiction going to be a gift or a curse for me today?

I don't know.  It is all up to what I choose.

Today I have a choice and I thank recovery for that.


The above is a list largely based on my own personal experience and reflection.  I asked input from a couple other of addicts and added their "gifts of addiction" to the list.  I know that I could not possibly think of every gift  and curse there is because I am but one human.  If you can relate to anything shared above and have your own "gift  or curse of addiction" to share then I invite you to please post it  in the comment section below.  The world can not have to many blogs and articles out there written from the experience of actual recovering addicts.  

Please remember being qualified as an addict is not limited to using "illegal substances."  It includes any mind- altering, mood changing substance or behavior that you are not able to stop using or acting out on.  That is any substance or behavior that creates unmanagability and insanity in your life.

I am not bold enough to claim addiction can be cured.  I know there are tools and techniques for people out there to utilize to bring their physiological and energetic imbalances back into balance. There are plenty of therapeutic resources to assist with healing trauma and core issues.  I know there are steps to take on a daily basis to assist with keeping the dis-ease "arrested."  I do know from experience that on any given day no matter how many years I have gone without using, and how many times I have been in therapy, or how many 12 step meetings I have attended the desire to want to use can return.  That is why I stick with a program to keep me in check and I keep in touch with other recovering addicts to remind me of this.  I also remember to look at the gifts it has given me.

There is hope for a new life.  If you are someone who is suffering from this dis-ease or you know someone who may be in active addiction remember nobody has to go through it alone.  There is help out there.  Everywhere.  People who understand and do not shame.  People who know what it is like and can help guide you to a new way of life.  There are thousands of people right now just waiting to reach their hand out and pull you out of the darkness and into the light.

" Great Spirit.  Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.  The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  Just For Today."

My 12 Step Journey: Leaving The Only Thing That Saved My Life..WTF?

I will be involving more 12 step wisdom along with personal experience, strength, and hope into my blogs as the days go on.  The following is a very censored and abridged version of what led me into the rooms of a 12 step program.  I save the unabridged version for my birthday meeting share and if I ever go into hospitals or institutions to share my story.  It is an important story-ever changing as the years go by.  There was a small point in time when I convinced myself that I no longer wanted to be identified or associated with "my story." I felt it had become my only identity and it was holding me to the past when I wanted to move forward.  The thing is the as I moved further away from my story I was moving away from where I came from.  I was moving away from the reality of what my life had become and the progress I had made to move out of the mess.  The more I moved away from "my story" the more I moved away from needing, the program. Today I know I don't have to be my story. I just have to observe, honor, and learn from it.

These past couple of years have been a serious roller coaster ride of ups and downs.  I have been deep into trauma recovery, self-esteem, self-love, and disordered eating recovery.  There is, however, one area of recovery that I had not been tending too.  An area of recovery that is the most important because this was the recovery program that saved my life and started it all.  That is the 12 step based recovery program of Narcotics Anonymous.

I do not make it a secret that I am in recovery.  It is such an integral part of my life that to hide it or try to separate myself from it is like hiding a part of who I am.  If I am hiding it I am not living my truth.  Now that is just for me.  I know other people are not as open to share as I am and that is perfect for who they are.

THE SUMMER OF "NOT SO HAPPY HOURS" AND HURRICANE KATRINA

I entered into the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous in the summer of 2005.   I first heard of this 12 step program through someone I met at my first job after moving back to TN.  I do believe the meeting of this person was orchestrated by my higher power.  This person literally stepped in front of me as I was walking in to my first day of on the job training.  He introduced himself and for the next week or so would not leave me alone until I would be his friend.  I finally gave in and when we started talking I soon realized we were the same kind of, "out there." 

In our time together he noticed certain behaviors I was exhibiting and different substances I was taking.  One day he and his girlfriend very gently told me about a program called Narcotics Anonymous, a 12 step based recovery program.  They didn't preach or try to get me to go. They just shared the message.  They planted a seed.  When they shared with me about this program I could not imagine going because I was in no way a druggie.  Nope. Not me.  So time went by and with it lots of money and lots of failed attempts at stopping what I was using.  Along with the inability to control my drug use my actions and behaviors were constantly causing trouble to myself and people around me.  I was getting into one painful, dangerous, and ridiculous situation after another and surrounding myself with nothing but people and environments that would enable my actions.

I realized one day that I really did have a problem.  I did not realize that problem was truly, "me."

When the pain of my life  finally got to great to bear and I had nobody around me that understood what was going on with me I got on my computer and looked up Narcotic Anonymous meetings in Nashville.  I picked one that was sort of close to where I lived and in the daytime.  Not knowing what I was walking into or what on earth this was about I still found the courage to go. I made my way to a noon meeting in a basement of a church.  I sat down and did something I hadn't done in a while, I just listened.

 I honestly don't remember much about those first meetings.  The only things that stand out that I remember are:  I would go, I would leave,  I would go the bar and other things,  I would have regrets, and I would show back up to another meeting.  This went on for a couple of months.  The best thing I did the second half of the summer of 05' was continue to show up to meetings no matter if I had used or not.  If I used I just sat in the meeting, kept quiet, and listened.  Eventually after going to enough meetings and listening to many people share similar feelings as I had as well as  similar past experiences that I had gone through a little something called hope was creeping in to my body.  

After a whole summer of mixing NA with using and reaching a bottom with drugs and relationships that had stripped every ounce of self-esteem and self-worth from me I gave in completely to the program.  On September 1st, 2005 using the strength and hope of the group I picked up a white key tag symbolizing I would try this way of life. "Just For Today."

It was the greatest act of self-love I could do for myself.

The first year I worked the program my life began to change.  I started to gain small shreds of self-esteem and self-respect.  I was also gaining an greater awareness of all the havoc I had wreaked in my life and the lives of others for so long.  I was slowly being taught a new way to live.  I was being taught how to take responsibility for my actions.  I was learning about my assetts as well as my defects.  I was learning how to value myself and others. I was learning how to be honest with myself and others.  I was learning about having an open mind and the willingness needed to make a change.  I was learning how to grow up. 

I cannot speak for other 12 step programs as Narcotics Anonymous is the only one I have experience with.  There is much more to addiction recovery than just putting down the drug of choice.  NA  is a program that teaches about the disease of addiction and the patterns that are associated with it including but not limited to chronic self-centeredness, obsessive and compulsive behaviors, isolation, and a lack of self-acceptance . There is also dealing with how addiction shifts into other areas.  Once I put down my drug of choice I noticed that I would start acting out in other ways-nicotine, food, caffeine, men, etc.   Narcotics does teach about addiction but it is more focused about the nature of recovery.

Narcotics anonymous brings together people from all walks of life.  People who in everyday life may never have crossed paths or would have even thought about associating  with another because of their different  economic status's, career choices, or neighborhoods.  The disease of addiction does not give two shits if you have a white collar or blue collar job, you live in an affluent neighborhood or the projects, or make six figures a year.  It wants to isolate you, bring you down, and eventually kill you.  Being around other people who understand what this "disease" does is important part of recovery.

DID YOU JUST READ ALL OF THAT?

Yeah.  I did.  I did because I needed too.  Why?  My happy ass got away from the reality of my disease and the community that knew and understood the best what it does and how it can take one down.   

As I got more time clean I started exploring different self-help paths  I also re-discovered a practice from my past called, Kundalini Yoga.  I am not going to go into details of what happened over the  years that I was not active in the program.  At least not in this blog post.  I will say everything was for a reason and it was to assist me in getting to roots of my core issues.

Between years two and three of being in the NA I started to slowly drift away from the program.  I was getting more involved with Kundalini Yoga and in the metaphysical community.  Instead of surrounding myself with people whom I shared this thing called, addiction, with I started surrounding myself with other people who didn't drink or take substances.  They may not have used specific substances, but they also didn't really understand the nature of addiction.  

After spending some time in this other community I started to hear things said to me like, "I don't see you as an addict.  If you keep yourself in that state of repeating, I am an addict, you are always going to stay in that energy.  You have evolved out of that state of being an addict.  Why do you want to be around those people?"  There is more that I kept feeding into but I have already shared the main ones.

What I want to say to these people,whom I know according to their beliefs meant well,  is please please PLEASE research what is all involved with the disease of addiction and the nature of recovery.  I know  personally the word dis-ease had turned me off a number of times which in turn lead me to much denial that I actually had a "disease of addiction." The truth is it does cause a dis-ease of the mind, body, soul, and spirit.  I want to say to these people that before you start judging and making assumptions look into what all in involved in the program.  The workbooks, the community, the sharing, the overall support, the education.  Putting the drugs down is only the beginning.

Part of me wanted to believe what my friends were saying and another part of me knew the importance of the program.  I was living in conflict about being in the program for a long time.  Another part of me is starting to believe it was just what that disease needed to isolate me.  I didn't want to have to call myself an addict or keep repeating it all the time.  I do believe when you keep repeating something you create your reality based on those words...especially if they follow the words, I AM.   I will come to the truth about this the more I work through the program.  As for saying, "I am an addict" everyday I have come to the acceptance of saying, "I am a recovering addict" because that is what I am right now.  I am recovering and that is the truth.  That works for me.

 I  do know I wasn't facing the reality of what truly worked for me in the past.  I was fighting it.  I wouldn't surrender.  I wanted to believe I had healed myself of addiction.  I wanted to believe I could handle life without having to check in and share with a group all the time.  The more I wanted to believe in what others around me were saying the more it created a distance within me from the very program that saved me.   

I don't want to write to much more about this at this time.  There is much I will work out and discover while "working the steps."  I don't know what I finally did that caused the walls of denial to crumble and for me to gain the courage to go back to the rooms and start reconnecting.   Well. Yes. I do.  That is another blog. 

I am thankful that I did not have a relapse on my drug of choice in the time I was gone.  I guess I was to busy tending to other areas that needed healing.  I had created and was teaching a life recovery program called, Recovery Rising.  It is not a 12 step based program, but, it is based on the other areas of recovery I have had years of experience working on.  Having had that program in my life greatly contributed to keeping me clean and it was beautiful service work....it still is.  

The one thing I can say for certain is even though I have clean time I don't have the "12 step recovery."  There definitely is a difference in just being clean and living the 12 step recovery.  I still have my clean time and on October 1st I will have seven years clean.  If you paid attention you will notice its now October and not September....but that is another story:)

I am excited to be reconnected to the program and not just in the shadows.  It has been strange to have to share with others what has been going on and admit I haven't been a part of.   It's hard  being back, but listening to all the experience, strength and hope once again has been giving me encouragement.  It is inspiring to see what working a program does for people-how it changes them for the best.

Something is so different this time for me and I am not questioning it.   I am just embracing it.  I truly believe that I had to tend to the other areas of recovery in my life in order to continue with this program.  I feel like I am home again and this is exactly where I am supposed to be.  I feel the conflict disappearing and sanity coming back. 

My name is Kristianna and I am a recovering addict.

Just For Today:  I surrender.

Braggs Raw Organic Apple Cider Vinegar: An Unexpected Journey

An Unexpected Journey...........

I would like to start out by stating that I am no expert on matters of healthy eating, supplements, diets, etc.   The only reason I am even dedicating a whole blog post to apple cider vinegar is because of the unexpected benefits I have had while taking it.  I have now been consistently taking 1-2 tsp in a glass of water in the morning and afternoon for a month and a half now.

 It was just after two days that I noticed some differences within in me.  After a week had gone by I had realized some more things had changed with me in relationship to certain foods and habits.   As more time went by I could not help but to feel a deep level of gratitude for what was changing in my body and habits.  This gratitude is what spilled over and had me post a time or two on Facebook about what I had been experiencing.  I was amazed at the amount of feedback I received and the interest.  I was joking at first about writing this blog but I received that inner "nod" to actually move forward and expand on my experience.  I don't usually write a blog until I feel that inner "nod."

As you read about how taking this supplement affected me please remember no two people are the same.  You may not experience what I have and you may experience something I will not.  Also some people do not do well with vinegar based products.  I know apple cider vinegar is not straight up distilled white vinegar but it is still a fermented food product.  Please keep that in mind.

Okay so here is my "unexpected journey"........

In the middle of March I put myself on a 30 day ayurvedic body cleanse that consisted of me eating an Ama reducing mung dal dish (mung beans and rice) three times a day.  Ama is a word used to describe the inner toxic waste that gets built up within our digestive system and affects are overall sense of well-being.  Ama is created from poor eating habits, eating leftover and frozen foods, and eating late at night among other things.

I went on this mono- diet not only to cleanse (mung beans are a great internal cleanser),but also to figure out what foods were contributing to me breaking out on my forehead and right side of my face.  As the month went on my skin started to calm down.  One of the many positive side effects of being on an internal body cleanse  is the connection with the body.  The senses get heightened.  The body really does communicate what its likes, dislikes, and needs are.  Most of the time we are to bogged down in toxic substances to feel that natural connection to the body and feel what it is saying.  My body guided me to start taking the apple cider vinegar.  I was praying for something to assist me with my digestive system thinking that  an imbalance there was contributing to the outbreaks on my skin also.  I was soon led to the ACV.

My first glass was just one teaspoon in the morning.  I enjoyed the taste.  It was a bit of a wake up to my taste buds at first, but I quickly got used to it.  I found myself wanting another glass at lunch and one in the late afternoon.  My body needed it.  The body always knows.  It wasn't long until I felt an increase in energy.  I would say after two days is when I realized I was not wanting to fall asleep around 3 in the afternoon.  I was quite energized.  After five to six days is when I suddenly realized I had no desire to take in caffeine.  The times I normally would crave caffeine I found myself craving a glass of the ACV.  This is a huge deal for me.  Caffeine has been an on and off again addiction for me.  It is hard because not only does it affect my nervous system in a negative way, but it also disrupts my hormone balance and makes me break out in what looks like chicken pox on my face.  I am allergic to it.  It is a substance that also takes me out of my serenity and causes me to go into a depressive state if taken for a long period of time.  Since taking the ACV I have not had any cravings for the caffeine as I normally do.  I could cry tears of gratitude just for that benefit.


Around the same time I noticed the lack of craving for caffeine I realized there was no cravings for sugar either.  That does not mean I have not eaten anything sweet.  It  just means I don't crave and need sugar like I used to.  If I do eat something sweet it is not with refined sugar.  I have been okay with just eating a little something and not go overboard.  I have been able to walk down aisles and past sweet temptations without a battle going on within me.  The battle in my mind trying to justify why I need that Vegan Vee treat.   I still eat yummy Vegan vee baked goods, but I don't find myself in an obsessive-compulsive state over sugar.

The energy I have gained from taking ACV has been a god send.  Let me say, sustained energy.  I can't remember the last time I have had a mid afternoon slump or the kind of crash  I normally would feel from sugar and caffeine.  Low energy has been an ongoing issue in my life also. My energy levels are amazing right now and I am enjoying every day of it.  The last thing I would like to share is my mood level.  I feel a change.  I know with the onset of spring comes elevated moods as the heaviness of winter melts away.  This has been different.  It feels like some kind of shift within my physiology.  It could be a combination of the body cleanse and heavy metal detox I did along with the consistent use of ACV.  I don't know.  I just know I like it.

I do not drink three glasses a day anymore as my body has indicated one to two is sufficient now.

I have also used ACV as a cool rinse in my hair after showering to make it shiny.  I have used it as a toner on my skin.  I also have noticed I smell good.  I know it sounds strange. I can't help sharing.  I said I would share how it has affected me.  I smell good from the inside out.

So that has been my "unexpected journey" with apple cider vinegar.  I hope you have some positive results if you are taking it.  Just remember give it at least 30 days.  Oh and if you have it as a drink at work and have to be around other people right after you drink it just be mindful:)  You are drinking vinegar!  Oh and be careful if you drink it after 6 P.M.  It was hard for me to fall asleep if I drank it to late.  See what works for you.

I see questions in comment sections often of people asking if it matters what kind of vinegar to use.  I have seen more times than not people answer with Braggs Organic Raw Apple Cider Vinegar.  You don't want the pasterurized, distilled vinegars.  You want the cloudy looking, brownish kind with the "mother" in it.  Do not be afraid of the cobweb like particles floating in the bottle.  You can find it in the Natural Market section of your grocery store for around $3-4 dollars.  Seriously.

Here is a link to an excerpt from the book:   Bragg Apple Cider Vinegar
http://bragg.com/books/acv_excerpt.html


I am going to include the link that I know has been around the block a few times on facebook.  If you haven't read it please give yourself some time to look it over.  15 Reasons To Use Apple Cider Vinegar

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-5875/15-Reasons-to-Use-Apple-Cider-Vinegar-Every-Day.html


Let me know how your journey goes!   I know I am staying on mine until I get guided another way.


Blessings and Glitter to You,

Kristianna