The Magic Of A Self-Love Sanctuary She/Man Cave!

It is no secret what my favorite color is: PINK!

When I was on a women's retreat this past November a wise woman shared a beautiful insight with me  regarding the color pink. She said, "Red is love. White is courage. Pink is the in -between of both those colors. Pink is peace." Those words went straight to my heart and snuggled right in and have not left since. I have managed to create some kind of "pink room" in other places I have lived before. I have always needed the soothing walls to make me feel peaceful and at home. I left behind a beautiful pink room last November that held the most precious moments, memories, tears, laughter, anger, inspiration, and layers of healing energy within its supportive walls. That was my "she-cave". I feel it is important to have that alone space whether you are a man and need the "man-cave" or a woman needing to retreat to her "she- cave." I like to think of it as a self-love sanctuary. It is a sacred space. Its the place to take care and love on yourself and give yourself what you need so you can then go out and give to others. The others may be a partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, friends, students, etc.

Many things can happen in a self-love sanctuary.  For me countless hours of writing and workshop designing happened. Vision boards were created and many visions were manifested. On any given day any genre of music could be heard playing including: 80's, 90's, metal, industrial, world, kundalini, hip-hop, and show tunes. Basically any music that inspired me to move could be heard blasting out of that room. The floors were so kind in supporting me as I danced, stomped, twirled, screamed, and often pounded on them. I have to say much anger release work was accomplished within the pink.  My inner child is always pleased in the sanctuary. Many mornings the walls meditated with me and took in the vibrations of the mantras that I would chant and play. There were many evenings my kundalini yoga music would seep out into the living room inspiring someone down there to turn off the T.V.  I would often catch that same certain someone listening to the mantras being played instead of watching the TV:) Some days it would be an interesting mix of yoga music clashing and somehow blending with the metal or prog rock drumming going on in the man cave in the next room. There was never a dull moment in the pink room. 

In my new place I cannot have a pink room. It seems strange and it feels like a piece of me is missing. I have created a sacred space in my bedroom to connect with my higher power and do my meditation practice. I dance in my living room and I write on my dining room table enjoying the beautiful view from my windows. I am grateful. My whole apartment is now my self-love sanctuary she-cave. I am creating beautiful layers of healing peaceful energy within its walls every day. Yet, it just isn't the same. Even with the pink decor it doesn't hold quite the same inspiration. I need my pink walls! I need my superpower. I do not know how long I will reside in this place. When the time does come that I am supposed to move to a new space I will welcome it. The only deal breaker will be is if I cannot paint a room pink. That is a must. It means everything to me.

Creating a self-love sanctuary she- cave is telling myself I am worth spending time with, I am worth listening to, I am worth caring for, and I am worth the gift of play and fun.  I know by spending the time away in my she-cave tending to my inner world the outer world  becomes more magical on a daily basis.

RIP PINK ROOM. 

You are always in my heart.

Last photo taken of the Pink Room wall before it was covered with a vanilla color:(

What Lies Beneath The Two Most Disempowering Words Of My Every Day Vocabulary….

It's Okay.


These two small words seem harmless.  After all they are just two words and they are generally positive.  So why would I call these two of the most dis empowering words of my personal vocabulary?  It is not necessarily the words themselves as it is the underlying motivation for their use.  If I think about it life is really lived day to day and moment by moment by not what is actually said but rather what is below the surface in the subtext.  For me personally I have come to a profound awareness of how much I devalue myself on a daily basis when I speak the words, "It's okay."

What do I mean by this? 

Sometimes it is natural and proper to answer someone with, "it's okay."  It is a harmless phrase for most intents and purposes.  When I find it harmful and dis empowering is when I use it as a way to excuse away someones lack of respect for me.

I did not make this connection until about a week ago when I was working on a trauma timeline assignment upon recommendation of my therapist.  It was an intense project to work on and not for the faint of heart to have to look at.  As I was looking at the patterns of experiences that happened to me over the past 30 some years I could literally feel myself  shrinking inside.  In fact that is exactly what happened to me over the first 30 years of my life.  I shrunk.  My true-inner- child-magical- self literally curled up in a ball within to hide away from a world of pain that was to much to bear.  A false self was created.  Walls were constructed around her. The magic was buried.  The child went into hiding from a cruel world she felt did not care for her. 

 As I was reading this time line I felt my insides shrink.  I felt my shoulders slump even more.  I was reminded again of that part of me that does not feel worthy of existence. There is still a part of me that does not believe in my inherent value as a human being.   That little girl within is still holding tight to the past. That belief that she does not matter. Apparently even though I have done tremendous self-healing work in this area there is still more work to do to assist with shifting this belief.  It is a strong one in me!  My inner child still holds this perception that was created by a lifetime of experiences that kept reinforcing in her that she is not worthy.  It is no matter that the adult intellectual part of me understands I AM worthy and I have value.  It is not the conscious that runs my programming, it is my subconscious.  It is the patterns that were created when I was young.  As I wrote above life is really lived in the subtle.... in what lies beneath.

 For some reason going over that time line helped me realize one of the major ways I have still been reinforcing the belief that I don't matter and I am not worthy.  I do it by how I respond when people disrespect or take advantage of me.  One specific way I know I do this is when I let people take advantage of me is with my time.  Or if I pay for a service that I was not happy with and don't speak up about it.  Another way is women not returning my phone calls when I reach out to make a connection or reach out for support. 

 I know I call these people and situations into my life because they act as reinforcers of my personal belief system.  I have caught on that their are certain people that repeatedly make me wait far past my scheduled appointment times.  These people keep doing it because I let them.  I give them permission.  When they say, "I am sorry for making you wait"and I respond with slumped shoulders and an automatic, "Oh, it's okay" I am telling them how to treat me.  I am telling them to keep doing it to me.  Another way is when I reach out and call women to make a connection in my recovery program and do not get a return phone call.  When I confront them later and ask if they received my message I usually get an,"I am busy or I am not good at calling people back" response.  In which I respond with, "Oh, it's okay."

The thing is:  IT IS NOT OKAY!

Every time I say those words what I am really saying is:

 "Oh, no worries.  I don't want YOU to feel bad or awkward or anything strange.  Its okay.  I don't really matter anyway.  I am used to it.  Keep going ahead and doing it to me.  It is just who you are  and I accept it.  I know you are busy and important and have many other things to do and people to talk too. I totally accept being treated like that.  It doesn't matter because I know I don't matter.  Its just my reality.  I'm used to it.  Don't even worry about it."

That is really what i am saying when I say, "It's Okay."

The day after I made this realization I had the opportunity to experience the power of NOT speaking those two words.  I found myself at a gathering with other women that are part of a that recovery program I spoke of.  I happened to pass one of the women as she was leaving.  I wasn't going to say anything to her but something in me pushed me forward.  I simply asked her if she had gotten the voice mail I had left for her a week or so earlier asking her if we could meet for tea so I could get to know her better.  It took her a few moments until she responded with, "Oh yes. I am sorry.  I am bad at calling people back. Just ask so and so. I have been busy."  I could feel my automatic response wanting to burst out of my lips, but, instead I just stood there and listened.  I didn't say those two words.  I refused.  It was strange.  It felt strange in my body, but, I held my ground. Yes. I new she was a busy lady but....... so am I.  Before she departed I did compliment her on the pants she was wearing.   I then felt a surge of energy burst forth.  It felt strange and good.  I felt happy.  It was like my true self peeked out for just a few moments.  My inner child heard me not de-value her. It wasn't in what I said.  It was in what I didn't say that spoke the loudest to my inner child and let her know, she mattered!

What has also been a profound awareness is how much I have done certain things to other people that do not honor their value.  Yes.  I admit it.  I would be completely out of integrity if I wrote this post and did not take responsibility for doing some of the same things that hurt me to other people.  I am telling myself today, IT IS NOT OKAY to do that to others. It is part of the lesson I have to learn about values.  Every human deserves the right to know and understand they matter just by right of being born.  Every human being has a value because they were created by the divine.  If I want my inner child/my subconscious patterns to continue to shift I have to not only build that sense of worth in myself, but also  do things that help build it in others.  In a balanced way that is honoring both people.  This can be done by simple actions such as calling someone back, respecting someones time, or simply asking how someone is feeling. 

It is going to take some work for me to break out of that pattern of saying, "Its okay."  Now that I am aware of it I am seeing just how much I allow myself to say it.  It is hard not to be frustrated by it but I just keep reminding myself that it takes time to undo a belief pattern that has been a lifetime in the making.

It really is fascinating when I stop and think about just how much the truth does reside in the subtle. 

In the unspoken.

In the subconscious.

In the subtext.

"It's okay"   

Is it?  Really?

If you are reading this post think about some of your go to responses. The automatic ones that just burst out of your mouth.  You know the one.  The one that is a mask.  Notice today and tomorrow when you say those words or phrase.  Is it empowering or disempowering?  What are you really saying?   Go ahead. It's okay. When I say those two words this time I mean it!   

What lies beneath….. 

The Truth is What Will Set Us Free!

14 Truths I Have Admitted To Myself That Have Me Asking, "Now Who The Frack Am I!?

             

"Self- Image is the image your ego believes.  It takes its cues from  outside influences and is fueled by the fear of what others may think.  We hold our self- image based on feedback we have received from others." -Deepak Chopra and Oprah's 21 Day Miraculous Relationships Meditation.

The crazy in my head today insisted it dump out all the mumble jumble regarding the identity crisis I am going through.

The following question has been running through my mind lately, "Has anyone else past the age of 30 ever experienced a time in their life when they did not know really know who the frack they were?"  The crazy thoughts in my head like to make me believe I am the only one who has ever gone through an identity crisis.  The crazies like to make me believe I am always a special case.  I am the center of the world ya know.  They like to convince me that everyone else around me has it together and I am the only one who is lost.

I wrote in my last blog about how I stepped back from writing because something just wasn't feeling right about it anymore.  Turns out that was just a small piece of a larger issue that was slowly creeping up to the surface of my reality.  The fact is for a long time now many things have not felt right about my life.  I have felt frustrated, it has been super hard for me to breath, my health has been poor,  I have gotten annoyed at myself, annoyed at others, and annoyed at life in general.  I allowed myself to be taken over my negative mind and for the longest time I have not  been the nicest human being.

Living in a state of being like the one I just described is not an enjoyable place to be.  It is certainly not living a life of recovery or just plain living the life I deserve...happy, joyous and free.  See, I am not one to sit by and let things continue without playing the "observer" of my life so I started to pay attention.

As  I  went through my day I would start noticing what was sparking me to feel crazy annoyed. I would start to feel my body tense up with frustration when people would say certain comments to me.  I would feel my eyes roll into the back of my head when I would see certain images or read certain posts on Facebook. I would cringe when I would think about attending certain activities in the community that I once thought were events I should like.   As I paid more attention to why I was feeling so annoyed and uncomfortable and always wanting to scream  I realized what was going on. I knew I was fighting myself from admitting.......

I WAS NOT BEING AUTHENTIC!!!!

I was  actually holding onto an image of myself I had created based on the roles I took on a few years ago as a yoga instructor and yoga studio owner. That image was created by me and would eventually be fueled and sustained by what people started to see me as based on their feedback.  I really don't know how it happened.  It just....happened.  I mean don't get me wrong.  I loved being of service and assisting in bringing forth that studio.  I loved teaching yoga every week that first couple of years and currently I still do love teaching my Recovery Rising series.  I just got carried away trying to live up to a self-created image of myself not based on actual reality.  I was also trying to keep up living a lifestyle I thought I should be living  because I was in the compassionate loving world of yoga.

In my head I somehow thought that I was going to be some healthy lifestyle expert and a yoga instructor that could provide all the perfect answers to students questions of life.  I wanted to be that woman on the cover of the health magazine who was all glowing and dewy because she sustained herself on eating grass, nuts, berries, and kombucha tea.  I wanted to be raw and vegan and live an eco-friendly sustainable lifestyle and know how to make smoothies and juices and I wanted to know what all the cool superfoods were.


I thought I was suppose to love attending kirtans.  I was to love giving myself over to the ecstasy of the rhythm of my heart chakra as it opened and pulsated in unison with my crown chakra.  That unison would elevate me as I danced to the music all while being completely connected and at one with the universe.  I also tried to get into numerology, crystals, and oh good grief, it just went on and on.

I had really held onto this image of me in my head as this person.  I mean, didn't I learn from my new thought teachings that if I were to hold an image long enough I would manifest it and soon become it?  Yeah, right!  The honest to Gods truth is  -that image I held just did NOT work for me. My soul always knew the truth.  It always does.  My inner child does too.  She will always convey to me through feeling when I am out of alignment.  When I am not honoring those two aspects of my self ..... whoa nelly....it is breakdown time for me.

Even though it was becoming more clear what was causing me to walk around feeling annoyed at the world I still did not want to fully face the truth.  I allowed myself to stay in denial.  What the hell would I be if I couldn't play this role anymore?  I mean, why couldn't I be a shiny example of a raw food eating, yoga teaching, spiritual counseling, eco-conscious, festival going, astrology and numerology and crystal loving person.  Many of the people I hung around with were.

Truth is. I really don't know. I just know it is not me.  I finally had to sit my ass down and get truthful with myself about this or continue feeling how I was feeling....like shit.  The following list is what I came up with.  It wasn't easy to make myself face the following truths about myself.  I can say just after writing one down I immediately started to feel a sense of relief.  The more I wrote down the deeper I could breath.  I was really facing reality and not some perceived sense of reality.  It was deep man!

The fact of the matter is this is what my truth is right now ( always subject to change):

1. I am a "mindful" eater which means I mind to what my body needs.  Its needs are always changing.  I don't label myself as a vegan, vegetarian, raw, etc.  Currently my body needs meat.  Yes.  I eat meat!  I eat turkey and fish and occasionally red meat and I like it.  It nourishes me and sustains me.  I eat it only if it is organic, grass fed and has no hormones or antibiotics.  I cook it myself at home or I will eat at a place I know will have the above standards.  Most important is that I respectively pray and thank the animal for its medicine.  

2.  I don't drink juice anymore because it actually creates a not so positive condition in my body.  I didn't know that two years ago.  I just knew it I wanted to experience the positive benefits it had on others for myself.  I also felt so juicy cool spouting off all the time that I was enjoying my awesome juice made of eight different greens.  Seriously juicing is not for everyone.

3.  My life does not revolve around yoga.  I do not currently teach it.  I do practice restorative yoga and Kundalini yoga on occasion. You will probably not ever see photos of me in hatha yoga postures.  I originally went into teacher training for Kundalini Yoga to learn tools I could one day incorporate into a program I was creating in my mind for recovery and self-esteem .  I did not really intend to open a yoga studio and teach every week.   I did eventually create the recovery program I originally set out to and that is what my area of focus will be sometime in the future.  

4.  I do not follow a true yogic lifestyle.

5.  I barely know how to cook and I am still trying to figure out what foods work best for me.  I do not touch most raw foods anymore except an occasional salad,  soaked almonds, and fermented raw vegetables.  Again, raw unfermented vegetables do not do well in my system.  Just because something looks crazy, sexy, cool does not mean it is meant for everyone.

6.  Do not ask me about astrology or numerology.  I can refer you to an amazing people who do live and breath it.  They are awesome.

7.   I do enjoy an occasional kirtan gathering but I just don't live for them....I tried too.....I can do about one or two a year.  Then I am over it.  I do wonder how I would feel if I were the one singing? Hmmmm.....

8.  I want to contribute to making the earth a better place and be all sustainable and stuff but I probably don't do a very good job at it.  I recycle.  That's something.  I tried the whole compost thing a couple years ago. The compost container is sitting out in the backyard with weeds growing in it.  I tried.  Perhaps one day.  I do want to grow fresh garlic one day.  Fresh garlic is the bomb.

9.  Most of my cleaning products are natural but I am confessing that there is a bottle of Lysol and Goo Gone under my kitchen sink and Kroger brand hand wash in the upstairs bathroom.

10.  I will say this.....I make sure apporximatley 90% of the foods I eat are organic.  I am firm about that!

11.  I really don't like Kombucha Tea.  I tried too.  It just sucks.   I do drink coconut kefir though.  It is much better.   I'll admit that.

12.  I want to learn a martial art.  One day I will train.  I will kick ass and probably get my ass kicked.  At least I will feel alive.

13.  I prefer dancing to sitting down and meditating. I  still do practice meditation because it assists with calming the crazies in my head.

14.  I swear more than I probably should.  It is not classy I know.  I do my best to keep it out of sacred spaces: )


I know darn well it was my shaky self-worth that attached itself tight to the role of a yoga instructor and studio owner.  The start of the studio was prior to all the healing and trauma recovery I would eventually go through.  When I assisted in opening the studio my self-worth was still based primarily on what I did and accomplished and not who I was just being a human.   Prior to stepping into the yoga teacher role I really did not pay much attention to the above lifestyle I tried to live.  Having a new purpose and a title made me feel a sense of worth I hadn't felt before.  It was nice.  I felt grown up.   It just didn't last.  Truth will always rise to the surface no matter what.

 Now I ask myself, who am I ?  What do I want to be when I grow up?  I am starting my 12 step worksbook so I am sure way more will be revealed:)  It is still just really freaking strange.  No matter though.  It is worth it to be in the uncomfortable feeling of transition and uncertainty knowing I finally got honest with myself.  There is sweet freedom in facing reality. I really do feel like I have no identity.

I am enjoying writing again because I am allowing my true personality to come through this time and I am not holding back.  I am going to do my best to keep the following in mind as I go through this transition...

"I am so much more than an image I hold of myself based on the outside world.  Today I will do my best to accept who I am right now in this moment with kindness, compassion, and love."  I will probably forget to do that, but, its nice I am writing it down so I can look back at this and remind myself:)  Hey, I am just being honest!

Creative Recovery, Perfectionism, and Asking You To Witness My Soul Painting

Creativity Rising.....

In the last blog post I wrote, A Love Letter From My Soul,  I shared about how my soul held nothing back and basically told me to "cut the bullshit." It shared about how it wanted to experience life via this physical body.  My soul is a creative soul.  An artist.  It knows how it wants to express, but it is always locked down by me.  Once in a while I open a window and let it out, but then I shut it again.  Tight.  I feel my soul's sadness.  I have felt it for way too long.  Can a soul actually be sad?  I am not sure.  I do know when I don't listen to it I am sad.  This is why I am starting down this new path of my recovery journey.  My creative recovery.

I made the decision last week to sign up for a 5 week workshop at the local co-op art studio, Art and Soul. The series is called, The Heroes Journey.  Using movement, writing, visualizations, and theatrical play we will tap into the wellspring of our own creativity and consider life in archetypal terms based on the teachings of Joseph Campbell.  We are going to explore our own personal hero journey and learn to recognize mentors, threshold guardians, heralds, shape shifters, and tricksters in our life all while reflecting on the stages of refusing the call to adventure.  Awesome.  Sounds like a good combo of thought provoking teachings and creative activities.  Just what the "soul doctor" ordered.

I'm also connected to two great online resources for creative recovery.  I am choosing to immerse myself in the creative energy.  I think the combination of the in -person class and the online resources will be a great balance for me.  I do not do well just taking "online" courses.  I am an earth sign and need the grounding.  I need the in person support and accountability.

I would like to share one painting with you and ask you to be a witness.  It is the painting that "my soul" mentioned in my last blog.  It is very special to me because of the actual process I went through within myself while creating it.

One of my shadow parts is the "perfectionist."  This also relates to my first chakra and having to prove my self-worth.  It was while I was in trauma treatment that I learned the different sides to perfectionism.  The awareness I have gained about it has allowed me to accept this part of me and understand I have nothing to prove.  I was not the perfectionist in the way that everything around me had to be in its place and everything I put my mind to got done and was perfect.  No.  I used to be the perfectionist that was afraid to start anything new for fear of not doing it perfect right away.  I used to be the perfectionist that when I learned something new I would expect myself to get it right away. If I didn't I would put myself down and end up quitting.  I used to be the perfectionist that would go from 0-60 right away and push and push to make something happen exactly how I wanted it and would literally make myself sick doing it.  Just to prove my worth.  It would never be enough.

Then I entered treatment and everything changed.  I allowed myself to feel that nothing out "there" is going to give me worth.  My worth was established from just being born.  It is all within.

The following creative recovery assignment I know is not anything new.  In fact, I remember someone telling me about a course they took to move through their creative blocks and  fear of messing up that was similar to this.  This piece was created last August.  I documented the process for my own personal reflection.  I felt enough time had passed to share it.

Thank you for witnessing.


The Process:

This creative assignment was simply for me to go on a spirit walk in nature.  I was to say a prayer before going and ask for the items that wanted be included in my painting to present themselves.  The intention for the painting was to keep messing up.  When I was getting comfortable with how it was turning out I was to mess it up and create a new layer.  When I got comfortable again I was to take it outside and throw it on the ground and rub in the grass and create textures in it.  I was to keep layering the painting with texture and let go of any attachment or need for it to be perfect.

It was one of the most freeing, fun, soul connected to heaven summer afternoons I had spent in a long time.  I felt alive and whole inside and part of everything.  I am not kidding.  My soul was free and experiencing.  I would like to share that experience via the photos below.  There are paint brushes present in the first photo. The only time I used is a brush was to write words.  Everything else was me exploring through my hands and a washcloth.

My Supplies

Blank canvas and the flinging begins...

Finger Painting

"Fun with my hands and a washcloth"

"My soul starts to speak"

"No Attachments"

"Transforming"

"Layers"

"Completion....or is it?"

It was a fun experience.  I look forward to having many more as I allow my soul and inner child out to play.

I would like to share the full version of what I created for myself and look at everyday to remind myself:

Release Perfectionism

"There is nothing to prove.  Just relax and enjoy the simple moments of life.  Your worth was established just from being born.  There is nothing out there that will ever give you worth.  It is all within.  It is between you and the divine.  No more 0-60 to gain approval that will never seem enough.  Approve of yourself.  You are enough.  You Matter!!"

Let Go and Relax


Blessings,

Kristianna

Check out these two websites for creative sparkle:

http://leoniedawson.com   Leonie is a creative Goddess and pure magic!  Check out her Goddess Circle..

http://jamieridlerstudios.ca  Create sparkle in your life with Jamie!

A Love Letter From My Soul: Cut The Bullshit and Listen To My Call..

Intuitive Play time at Art and Soul last year.  My first piece..."My soul"

I just got schooled by my soul and it went something like this:

"Enough!  Cut the bullshit!  You know exactly what I am talking about. You can not  keep avoiding me.  I am your truth.  I am the way.  I am your key to the kingdom of heaven here on earth.  I have the answers to what will make you feel whole.  You have opened windows to me several times through out the past year.  Do you remember?  Do you remember the completeness you felt when you allowed yourself to express me through painting?  Do you remember that last painting you did?  I am  that painting.   Do you remember the first Oneness Blessing weekend you attended?  The aliveness and spiritual connection you felt when you allowed yourself to dance until you collapsed into a sweaty pile of tears and gratitude in front of the alter of all faiths.  How about the exquisite heart opening moments that happened when you allowed me to come through your singing?  Nothing else opens the lock of our heart and the door to heaven for us like singing.  Do you not remember the tears of joy that streamed down your face when you were able to play a full song on your guitar?  Why do you continue to deny the parts of you that make you whole and complete?

 The way you have been avoiding my call is by crawling into your head and escaping into yet another spiritual group, meditation technique, or new thought teaching class.  There is nothing wrong with any of those.  They serve you well.  They have been a beautiful part of your healing journey, but, there has to be a balance!  I just can't take listening and thinking about another new concept or way to ascend. You know what you need to do.  Take action.  I need to experience. That is why I am in your body!  The Picean age was about knowledge, thinking, knowing, coming from the head.  The Aquarian age is about experiencing and expressing from the heart and taking responsibility for yourself.  You know what you need to do.  You just don't do it.

Oh, and you need to keep dancing.  Do you remember what you"experienced" a couple weeks ago when I decided enough was enough?  I walked you right out of that spiritual meet up group and back home to dance.  I wanted to dance!!!!   That was the meditation I wanted to experience.  That was the prayer.  That was the connection to the divine that night.   I want to fully experience why I am here on this earth plane.  I need to create.  I need to express my self.  That is all you need to know.  This is what is next on your  path of "recovery."  Acknowledge your artistic soul.  Embrace me.  I have your answers.  Just go within and feel me.  That is right.  Don't think...feel.

I know this past year hasn't been easy.  You have been recovering from some life shattering experiences.  I know the reasons why you have been disconnected from this truth of yours for many   years.  It is okay.  All of the meditation, yoga, support groups, and new thought classes have assisted you to get to this place.  This is part of your rebirth.  This is part of your process of "returning to your original self."  Be gentle and kind to yourself.  If you don't listen to me though, I will take over and trust me it can be at any time:)!"


Infinite love,

Your Soul

Somewhere within me she resides.  I feel her...

This awareness has been permeating my being ever since that night I literally got up from the first part of that meet up group. In the first part of the meet up we tone on each chakra before we go into practicing breath of fire on each chakra.  I literally had to get up and leave after the toning because I felt frustrated and ill.  My friend is the facilitator so I knew she would understand.  I was really surprised by how frustrated I was.  I arrived home and immediately found myself up in my sanctuary that I affectionately call the "Pink Room."  The lights remained off and many candles were quickly lit.  I went to my computer and found my way to one of my favorite blogs.  It is one of my favorites because the author of the blog is living proof  that trauma can be healed and a return to ones artistic soul can happen.  She reclaimed a part of herself, that little girl, that was lost due to years of trauma, anxiety and depression. I often go to her blog because she reflects back to me what I feel lies deep within myself.

She reminds me of that little girl that is buried deep within.  The girl who used to wear tutu's, platform shoes, loved to act, danced in her front yard, danced in her back yard, went by a stage name through high school, expressed herself through clothes, and dreamed bigger dreams than the state of Pennsylvania could hold. I believe she reflects back the frozen parts of many people who are still in the process of "re-animating" themselves after experiencing the affects of trauma for many years.  She reflects hope.  In her 40's this woman reconnected to her love of dance, wearing tutu's, and overall sense of play.  She ended up opening her own women's only movement studio called, Girl on Fire Movement Studio. She teaches Kundalini Yoga, various types of dance classes, encourages women to reconnect to their " lost girl", accept and love their bodies, and just remember how to play.  If I lived there still I would be there as much as I could.  She re-animated herself.


I went to her website that night because she often posts videos of musical pieces and encourages her readers to, "Move to This."   I believe I scrolled through her whole blog playing every video she suggested.  My body could not get enough. It soaked up the dance like dehydrated skin soaks up lotion.    I was fully in my body, accepting and loving every part of it.

My soul was reminding me about how it is here to experience and the need for balance.  Yoga, meditation, classes, and groups are great, but a balance needs to take place.  I need to also feed my souls yearning to express its creative side.  I have been hiding and avoiding it.  I open the window to my soul for brief moments and a rainbow of color bursts out.  I am not used to the beauty and intensity so I quickly shut the window again.  When you live with emotional trauma the world tends to be in black and white.  As you heal colors start to appear again.  It may seem strange, but trauma survivors know what I am talking about.  The path of healing from trauma is like being in the movie Pleasantville.  The more healing that happens the more colorful and vibrant life becomes.  This is my new path of recovery.  What do I need to do to keep the windows of my soul open, and let it flourish. Let in flourish  in all its beautiful rainbow colors!

I encourage students in my Recovery Rising classes to connect to their "inner child" through pastels, drawing, and paint.  It really does take one back to the basics.  Back to an innocence and freedom that gets buried with each passing year of life circumstances.  I also encourage them to connect to their bodies through dance as a way to develop body awareness, self acceptance, and to feel a sense of being alive.  I also teach this because it teaches me.  I teach this so I can continue to recover. Yogi Bhajan said, " If you want to master something- teach it."  Yes.  That is exactly what I am doing.

Balance.  Awareness.  Surrender.  Acceptance.


My soul has spoken loud and clear?  Have you listened to yours lately?  Watch out!


Excuse me now..it is time for me to dance!


If you would like to check out the blog I talked about go to www.girlonfiredance.com. The "Girl on Fire" is Christine Claire Reed.  It is inspiring.

"All Pain Is Not In The Fact, But In The Perception Of The Fact."

"All pain is not in the fact, but in the perception of the fact." -Sri Amma Bhagavan

The above truth has been an priceless tool for me over the past 5 months.  I was introduced to that teaching in my first Oneness Deepening Weekend in Nashville, TN.

Most of the time what triggers me is not really the truth.  It is the part of me that I call "the wounded inner child" that reacts and perceives what she believes to be reality.

It makes sense to me because I understand the concept of the "inner child."  I understand that my perceptions used to be and sometimes still are based on what I took in as child from the womb up until 6-7 yrs of age.  The inner child is my emotional body.  It is the perceptions and patterns I took in before the neocortex part of the brain developed allowing me to have rational thought and the ability to see different sides of a situation.

I have to be proactive in how I react when I feel I am getting triggered by someone or a situation.  I used to allow the hurt, angry, insecure, frightened little girl take over and I would end up acting out.  It used to be with drugs, alcohol, and shopping.  Now that I don't have those options I can find myself being spiteful in other ways, being angry, going into shame spirals, sabotaging my own success, and blaming others for why I feel the way I do.

The fact is the pain I feel is not caused by anything outside of me.  It is all inside.  All based on what I am perceiving to be true based on conditioning in my childhood.

If I feel triggered, a shame spike, or a need to act out I remember the above line, "All pain is not in the fact, but in the perception of the fact."  I will then go to a safe space before I make a fool of myself and I will draw two columns on a piece of paper.  On one side I will write "Fact" and on the other side I will write "Perception".

It is amazing the clarity and balance this simple teaching can bring.  The first time I really used it was while I was still in the treatment center for trauma.

My therapist really sent me for a loop when she would not approve me to take a day off so I could drive to visit my husband in Cincinnati.  I was appalled that she did not take into consideration the hard work I had been doing in treatment and the fact that I hadn't seen my husband in a few weeks. I even brought up the fact that they let another patient  go on a family vacation a couple weeks earlier.  All I wanted to do was miss one session and make it up.  Needless to say I went home in a fume.

My head was spinning. I couldn't think straight.  I wanted to mindlessly stuff potato chips down my throat.  I was pissed.  I soon remembered the teaching and I sat down to make my columns.

It only took a couple of minutes for the facts to bring me back into balance. The facts were I was in treatment and my recovery was to be priority, I had no business pointing out what the other patient was doing, I could drive to see my husband the day after, and it was the little girl in me who was upset that this therapist wasn't acknowledging what a PERFECT patient I was.  (ooh ooh perfectionism)


My initial perception of the situation was completely different from the above facts.


I am grateful my higher power brought the Oneness Blessing teachings into my world.  The Oneness Deepening weekends have been profound for me. It is a weekend of processes, music, meditation  to leap beyond the human mind and ego.  These weekends have been instrumental in assisting me with setting my relationships right with my parents, healing other past and present relationships, healing past hurts and traumas, and deepening my connection with a higher power.  I am also grateful to be a Oneness Blessing Giver and share the grace of divine energy with others through deeksha.  Oneness is not a religion, set of beliefs, or a "cult":)  It's essence is that it is the birthright of every human to live in total and unconditional freedom, in a state where a person perceives reality as it is, thereby experiencing the causeless joy, love, and happiness which is the natural condition of the human being.


I am excited to be part of the second Oneness Deepening Course being offered in Nashville this weekend starting tonight.  It is going to be a powerful weekend!


If you are interested in attending there is still room and time.  My first weekend I literally just showed up on the first day without pre-registering.  I had read up on it a bit and did trust Roxana, the Oneness Meet up Facilitator. I knew within a half hour of being there that I was divinely guided to that weekend.   I just had to to do was trust in my higher power's guidance.

Here is the information if you are interested:  http://onenessawakeningnashville.eventbrite.com/ 






"Everything that is outside of you is a result of what is going on within!"