A Whole 30 Photo Journey: Days 11-20. "Self Love, Selfishness, Avocados, Grocery Store Anxiety, and Cramps. Yes. Cramps"

Days 11-15

My body may have been taking the photo but I'm fairly certain in my mind I was laying on a beach somewhere licking a bag of Kettle Chips after I consumed them all.  Crunch.

Looks like I came back to reality here. No beach?  Fine.  I will eat my veggies.

This was the week I was dreading.  Every month I have two things I have to endure and one of them doesn't include paying bills.  Every month thanks to me being a woman I have the honor and privilege of going through a process that gives most women the ability to create life.  It is called by many names but I will refer to it as my "moon cycle".  When this time approaches I know a headache will be not far behind.  One that usually lasts 2-2 1/2 days.  Some months it doesn't happen but this month wasn't one of them.  I also have the usual physical pain of cramps.

Both of these physical imbalances would have be an excuse for me to have to take Advil's (NSAIDS) or Excedrin's (NSAIDS) and drink a big coca-cola. The whole point to what I am doing is to rebuild my stomach lining and reduce the inflammation in my gut so I cannot take any of these.  It was not easy for me, but, when put in a position like that forced me to have to look for alternative solutions.  For me the only solution outside of taking Excedrin or ending up in the McDonald's drive through ordering a large coke for the caffeine was to just let time do its thing.  Why would I take Excedrin or drink a McDonald's Coke?  One word: caffeine.  There usually was a 50/50 chance that either the Excedrin or Coke would actually work.  Sometimes they did and other times I would take them purely for psychological reasons.  I felt somewhat of relief for about 30 minutes resting in the hope that if I took in one of those "remedies" I may get relief.  This time I didn't have that.  I just had to wait it out.

 As for the cramps Advil (NSAID) is the only thing that has ever been able to give me relief from my cramps.  Trust me.  I have been enduring this for years and have tried many other products.  Tylenol doesn't even touch it.  The following two rememdies and a change in my diet did touch something.  It is amazing what just a small passing of time can actually do along with two natural remedies.  I have been taking a product called Zyflamend for my body inflammation.  It contains a combination of different herbs to assist in reducing body inflammation including curcumin (tumeric).  I had run out of it and not had a chance to pick up more when my first bout of cramps came on.  I did go out and purchase a bottle and took my first capsule and I would say that it did help.  On that first day of cramps I did an essential oil regimen using Clary Sage.  I applied a few drops on my abdomen area, put a warm washcloth over the oil and applied my relax wrap heating pad to assist in deeper penetration of the oil.  Within 15 minutes the cramps had subsided.   I continued using Zyflamend everyday and can say I only had really bad cramps for one day.  I had minor ones the next day and couldn't do the oil and heating pad when they came on.  I just let time do its thing and moved through it. Guess what they subsided.  I had no more cramps the rest of the week.  As for the headache...well....I love my Relax Wrap neck and shoulder heating pad.  I heat it up in the oven and wrap it around the base of my neck and rest it on my shoulders.  I used that and just did the best I could to move through the pain and eventually it passed.  No NSAIDS!  No caffeine!  I did it!

Ahhh..the Relax Wrap.  Made right here in Nashville, Tn.

 I was also really frustrated during this week.  Not just from my moon cycle but I was getting sick of cooking and then cleaning all the dishes.  Oy!  The dishes.  It takes alot of effort and time to eat like this.  I mean it is how everyone should eat and how we did once upon a time.  It can be difficult to take the time to cook every meal in this fast paced modern western world.  It really sucked having to cook while dealing with a migraine.  I was so over it.  I found myself questioning over and over if this was really going to make any difference to my face or health in general.  My mind was searching for every excuse there was to give up and give in especially since it was my time of the month and my head hurt.  NO!  That is why I had myself put up the PDF's on my fridge.  It's only 30 Days-I can do it!

Days 13-17

I am experiencing crazy mood swings.  I know it is a combination of my blood sugar balancing itself out and the frustration of not being able to eat certain comfort foods.  Also I'm just pissed.  My headache subsided but I still really wanted to reach out for soothing foods.  My brain really wanted me to reach out for chips and when I wouldn't give in then it simply transferred that desire into another food.  I suddenly found myself wanting to eat sweet potato fries a lot.  I did eat them a couple times during my moon cycle because I did need comfort during that time. They were Whole 30 compliant as long as I roasted them in olive oil.  Just like when I knew I was crossing the line from using  prescription pills for what they were intended for I also know when my brain crosses the line with certain foods and what they are intended for.  I can feel it.  It is not only my brain but it is also the candida within me that drives my food choices.  It is the candida that craves the carbs and sugars for its food and survival.  I am taking my body back you little sh*@ts!

I am trying to change the habits I have connected to food.  These 30 days are an opportunity for me to go deeper into these habits and work on shifting them.  The brain doesn't know the difference between refined sugar, high fructose corn syrup, brown rice syrup, fruit juice sweetened, organic cane juice, turbinado sugar, fructose, malitol, xylitol, and whatever else they try to pass off as not being as bad as refined sugar.  My brain knows:

 sugar =getting a high and getting soothed. 

 I do something good and I get rewarded-with food.

 I feel bad and I get soothed-with food. 

I get frustrated I reach out for a handful of....something crunchy.  

I feel abandoned-food is there. 

  Doing something like this is enabling me to change these habits and create new neural pathways in my brain.  It is giving me a no nonsense way of looking at the feelings that drive these responses.  Oh trust me it has been a BITCH!!

During this week I believe there was some frustration come up from my husband.  It is not easy being around someone who is so focused on making a change like this.  Especially if it involves food.  My husband loves food.   He can eat pretty much all the types of food that leave me looking like I have chicken pox on my face.  Part of the fun of being in a relationship is going out to eat, cooking meals, ordering pizza or Chinese take out, snacking together, etc.  So much  of life really does revolve around food.  That part of our relationship has had to shift and will continue to because I don't want to go back to how I was eating even after these 30 days are over.

  He did get mad at me one night and spoke out of frustration.  He shared that I was being selfish and self-centered because all I am is focused on is healing, healing, healing.  "It's all about me and what I am eating and need to do."  I get it.  I am very focused on this.  I admit that it does take a certain level of self-centeredness and selfishness to navigate through something new and intense like this.  I know I have asked alot of him.  I have asked him to hide his snacks and I have taken away the fun and "high" of going out to a restaurant and feasting.  I understand it can be strange being around someone who is eating a certain way and that way is not a way you are eating.  The Whole 30 people do very well to include in their preparation  information the likelihood of this kind of thing happening and what to expect.  I will not let anyone make me feel bad for making choices that are to support my health and well-being.  I will not shrink to make someone else feel more comfortable.   I do have to say we were arguing about other things also.  It is called being married.

My husband has also been extremely supportive of me through this and I am thankful. I could not ask for a more supportive partner.  He is allowed an eruption here and there.  I hope the yummy meals we have been preparing have been some kind of pay off for putting up with this:)   One thing I do enjoy is that because I am taking myself out of my comfort zone to learn new recipes and ways of cooking I am actually preparing  healthy balanced meals for both of us to eat.  I have felt more like a wife in these past couple of weeks in the sense that I am able to grocery shop and have dinner ready-most nights.

My face cleared up a bit more more during Days 13-15.  My skin in general has taken on a sheen that wasn't there before.  The break outs on my arms and chest have cleared.  I have to say my energy levels are still not anywhere near what they speak of happens during a Whole 30.  Then again I am not doing a normal straight forward Whole 30.  I am also using remedies to assist me with candida clearing which requires more energy of my body to assist in the cleansing process.  I have to keep reminding myself of that when I feel I am getting frustrated.

Love This Photo.  No Hiding.  All Natural.
Self-Love

Around Day 16 I felt like I regressed.  My face flared up again, all of my energy was depleted and my whole body was inflamed.  I had just finished up my part time job at a restaurant which calls for alot of physical activity.  I had also taught a Kundalini Yoga class on Day 15 and was tending to many other activities at home while my husband was out on tour.  I also could not figure out why my face was flaring up again.  I was so frustrated.  It then dawned on me....there were two foods that I was eating that I don't normally eat on a regular basis but for the past week I was eating them everyday:  Avocados and Ghee.  

Days 18-20

What you say?  No more Apple Cider Vinegar Avocado Dressing?

Are you kidding me?  Oh.  Is that why these darn red aliens are back on my face?

Okay.  Okay.  What the hell.  Just take everything away that tastes good.  I'll just keep smiling.  Oooh...wow my hair is in a good place. I actually combed it for these photos.  Cool.  Definitely worth smiling about.  Thanks Carrisa:)

Not gonna lie.  I am really craving and extremely frustrated. The funny thing is the foods I am craving are not even junk food anymore.  In fact if I was following a normal Whole 30 I could actually eat the foods I am craving.  If I go into a grocery store now my anxiety level has reduced by 90%.  I used to get very overwhelmed in the grocery store.  I hated it.  I have to always have a list to keep me focused or else the choices would overwhelm me.  Now when I walk into a grocery store all I do is stick to the perimeters where most of the real whole foods are.  What I haven't picked up at the local farmer's market I finish up at the store.  When I do go down the middle aisles now I literally feel assaulted by all of the crap and choices.  Seriously.  Its ridiculous.  No wonder there are so many versions of dis-ordered eating out there.  And EVERYTHING has some form of sugar in it.  I had to quickly grab my organic olive oil and get back to the perimeter where it felt safe.  Fewer choices mean less anxiety.  These past couple of days have been tough physically.  I want to rest but it seems there is just never enough time.  I sure hope the tiredness passes on soon.  I  am tired of feeling tired.

"A way to tell the difference between actual hunger and a craving is to ask yourself if you are hungry enough to eat a fish and vegetable dinner.  If the dinner does not sound appealing to you then you are not hungry it is a craving."  -Whole 30

Days 21-30

I will check back in when after I reach the 30 day mark.  My focus for the next 10 days is to continue to listen to my body signals of what it can and can't tolerate.  I am also paying attention to the deeper issues that are surfacing for me to see now that I don't have certain foods to distract me or hide behind.   I am also going to focus on showing up for myself in regards to exercise and not just yoga.  I know in order to have energy I need to do my part to assist in creating it.  That means not only working on strengthening my pranic and physical bodies, but also increase my cardio.  It is important for me to make lifestyle shifts along with these eating shifts.  

These shifts include:

1.  Getting enough sleep

2.  Making time to be out in nature

3.  Connecting to others more

4.  Making time for play

5.  Knowing when to much is just to much.  

Right now my body can't do it all and that is okay.

So that is it.  I have more revelations to share in my next blog post regarding "letting go"and its not about letting go of almond butter!  I will be ending my Whole 30 in ten days and the next day I will be flying out to NYC.  It will really awesome to celebrate by being able to attend 5 Rhythms Movement classes.  My husband will be playing with the artist he is touring with for one night at B.B. Kings in the city and we will be celebrating a big mile stone birthday of his.  I started this Whole 30 on the new moon of June 27th so I would reach 30 days on July 26th right before I leave.  I will still be maintaining this way of eating even after 30 days.  It really is life changing.  30 Days is really just the beginning.  It is an adjustment phase.

Thank you for you continued support!

Links:

 Why NSAIDS are hard on the stomach and cause intestinal disorders


Read about the benefits of tumeric as an alternative to NSAIDS for body/joint pain, inflammation, and arthritis:
http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2011/04/26/the-spice-that-actually-doubles-as-a-powerful-antiinflammatory.aspx

 Additional Tumeric/Curcumin Benefits

Relax Wraps For Neck and Shoulders And More

Essential Oil Protocol For Menstrual Cramps and More

Listening To My Body And Releasing The Guilt: My Journey From Veganism To "Meat As Medicine."

It took many years and a few well meaning women professional healer friends to assist me in understanding that meat is a form of medicine.....  




It took about 5 years to get myself to a "no meat" lifestyle.  I started down the no meat path in 1996.  Basically there was life before the infamous Oprah "Mad Cow Disease" episode that aired in 1996 and life after.  Like many others that day who watched that episode I stopped eating red meat.  I mean I stopped that very day.  I couldn't do it.  Not after what I saw.  I stopped eating red meat but soon picked up chicken.  Honestly I had never eaten a piece of chicken that wasn't battered and fried before that time.  So for a couple years after that fateful Oprah show I found  myself consuming vast amounts of chicken.  At some point I started working out with a trainer at a gym who also made dietary suggestions to me.  I ate four meals a day each one consisting of chicken.  I cannot say exactly when it was that I decided to eliminate all meat I just know it was sometime around 2000-2001. It might have been when I allowed myself to stop being in denial about what happens to the chickens. I know by that time I was deep into Conversations With God by Neil Donald Walsh, A Course In Miracles by Inner Peace Foundation and the book that started my spiritual journey and awakened the first light codes within me, The Celestine Prophesy, by James Redfield.

The more I walked forward on my path of spirituality the less meat I wanted to consume.  After September 2001 I moved from New York City to Los Angeles, CA.  There is something in the air out in that place (besides smog).  Something intangible and electrifying.  It pulsates with a liquid creativity that when you stand in just the right place it flows right into you.  That area makes one want to turn back the clock by 10 years in regards to age.   For me it stripped me of any desire to consume meat that I may have had left in me.  It may not connect that way for everyone who goes out there, but, for me it was transformative.

Within weeks of moving out there I eliminated all meat and dairy from my diet. One of the first events I remember attending was an "Stop Animal Cruelty Festival" complete with vegan food vendors, booths about teaching compassion, streaming video of what happens in slaughterhouses, and Sophie B. Hawkins screaming on stage about someone leaving their dog in the car.  Now that is either irony or stupidity.  It was well over 100 degrees that day in October. NEVER LEAVE YOUR DOG IN THE CAR IN EXTREME TEMPERATURE'S!

My diet during that time of my life consisted of lots of veggie burgers, lots and lots of Boca Burgers and a plethora of other meat substitute items.  I mean really.....I did not want meat......but I still had an innate craving for it somewhere in me.  I wore vegan shoes, t-shirts that said "vegan", and I know I was adopting that attitude that seems to naturally develop when having to stand ones ground and make it be known, I DON"T EAT MEAT!

Oh Boca..Boca...Boca...

I fluctuated between a vegetarian and vegan lifestyle up until I went into recovery which would be around 2006.  I remember one day something inside of me suddenly craved a red meat burger.  I mean REALLY craved it.  It was strange and confusing but the feeling would not be ignored.  I remember feeling weak and low in energy around that time also.  I went to the local natural foods market and purchased some grass fed meat, took it home, George Forman'd it, and literally cried while taking that first bite.  As soon as I chewed it I remembered the taste of red meat as if no time had passed between 1996 and 2006.  I took another bite and then another until it was all gone.  I kid you not it was only a matter of minutes before it was like somebody pushed a red button that said "start" on my back. My energy level shot through the roof.  I went to work that night as the energizer bunny.

 I did not last long eating meat.  I ate it for a few months and then one day I just didn't want it anymore.  I was done.  So that was it.  My life shifted dramatically from 2006 on.  I got married, re-discovered Kundalini Yoga, got certified as a KY instructor, and assisted in opening up a Kundalini Yoga studio.  I never thought I would teach yoga or be considered a "yogi",but, before I knew it there I was immersed in a whole new spiritual world.  Now I really couldn't eat meat.  I was a yogi!  I had to follow the eight limbs of yoga.

The Eight Limbs Of Yoga are guidelines to live a meaningful and purposeful life.  The first limb of the eight limbs of yoga is referred to as Yama.  Yamas are universal practices that relate best to what we know as the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have done unto you."  The very first of the five yamas is Ahimsa: non-violence.  So there was really no way I was going to eat meat.  Plus now I was surrounded by all these "in the know" raw foodists and vegans.  I got to hear about the amazing powers of this super food and that one. I was intrigued at how this one type of seed could make me produce super powered excretions and that super powder could make my adrenals and libido soar to the moon.  I went on a raw food eating binge.  I bought the books and tried to figure out how the hell I was going to find the time to actually prepare these elaborate prana packed super foods.  I followed as close as I could to the yogic food recommendations given by Yogi Bhajan.  I listened closely to the physical and spiritual benefits of eating a yogic diet all through my teacher training.  Again it was becoming deeply ingrained in me that the only way I could be truly spiritual, heart centered, and ascend  is if I did not consume meat.

All the while I was going gung ho into this new yogic lifestyle my health was not good.  If you were to look at photos of me from times I was at Kundalini Yoga gatherings such as Summer Solstice or White Tantra my skin lacked glow. It was just plain dull. Their is a darkness to my eyes.  I am not putting myself down.  I am just acknowledging truth.  What is interesting is that at these yogic events the main foods that are served are beans, rice, and potatoes.  I was consuming a lot of beans and rice and potatoes.  Not only at yogic events but at home also.  I loved beans and rice.  I even went on a mung beans and rice fast for 30 days because it was said it was the "food of the Gods".  I read somewhere that  a person could live off of mung beans and rice for their whole life and be healthy. We ate alot of it at my teacher training out in New Mexico.  I believe some version  of beans and rice was available at mealtime every day. Looking back at photos of me at my training my skin was the same dull color plus I had a horrible break out on my face the whole time.  I remember the day that two Ayurveda practitioners came to speak at one of my classes. I went up to them after and asked them for suggestions about my break outs during training. I believe their advice was just for me to stop drinking yogi tea.  No one said put down the beans and rice.

I began this blog sharing about how it took several women to be truthful and bold with me about eating meat.  One beautiful healer friend took the time to really talk with me about how eating meat is part of  experience of being human for me in this lifetime. She helped me understand that it was okay to allow myself to eat meat in a human body.  It is sometimes a form of medicine.  The key is to do it with honor and reverence.  She is a wise shaman.  I was laying on her massage table receiving a healing session from her while she was sharing this with me.  I'll never forget her also saying that if she had a steak in her refrigerator she would go in there and cook it medium rare for me to eat right then. That is how much she was in tune with my body needing medicine in the form of meat.  It took another girl to share with me that she went from strict veganism to having to eat a paleo/primal diet because she was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and could no longer eat gluten and several other triggering foods.  She said after she started eating meat she felt stronger and more balanced.  When healer friends of hers looked at her auric field after she had added meat back into her diet they told her it had actually become stronger.  Both of these women really helped me.

I want to say I am eating an paleo autoimmune elimination diet and that is the answer to everything.  I can say that as I cannot be that rigid. I have to listen to my body.  I know tomorrow I may wake up and not want to eat meat.  I doubt that will happen  because for now it is assisting me.  I just have to stay flexible and not attached.  Practicing yoga has given me the ability to do this.  It has given me back to  my body. I listen to my body  through feelings, sensations, and intuition. I do not listen to guilt or shame or what the latest fad diet or scientific study says.  I don't follow what any spiritual path says or what religious dogma states.  I listen to my body and what it needs to heal and to become balanced.  Meat is a medicine and I respect and honor it and treat it as such.

It was just a month or so ago that I was at work barely able to walk up and down stairs.  I would hear messages in my head that said, "My body is attacking me."  No.  I wasn't going crazy...well...perhaps a bit considering the foods that I was eating.  My face had sores all over it and I couldn't stop picking at them.  I would walk around with my pockets full of tissues stained with blood that I had used to wipe off my face with.  I was so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  I knew what was going on had to do with my gut.  I knew something had to be done.  Every time I ate certain foods my face would break out into sores.

  I dove into reading about the gut/brain axis, the gut and psychology, autoimmune paleo, fermented foods, gluten, grains, legumes, dairy. After reading all the scientific evidence about the effects of gluten, legumes, wheat and dairy on the digestive system it hit me like a thunder bolt.  I looked back at all those photos of me at the yoga events. I looked at photos of me at all the periods of time I was a vegetarian.  Most of them show me as very sick looking.  It made perfect sense to me that my digestive system was out of balance.  My stomach lining was compromised and my gut flora was imbalanced. I don't know how long my body has been in this state.  All I know is the grains and super foods I was eating out of care and concern for other living beings were not showing care and concern for me.  If you really have a care to see visuals of what my face looked like and why I have stopped eating the above you can check out this post: http://recoveryrising.blogspot.com/2014/07/a-photo-journey-first-10-days-proof.html

I will be honest when I say I do not 100% agree with the fact that I have to take another living species life in order to re balance mine.  I suppose I can be thankful I feel like that because that means I have a conscious.  I will say with conviction that I pray and practice reiki over every piece of meat I do eat.  I only buy and eat 100% grass fed and finished.  I do my best to buy from local farms where the animals were able to be in pasture. It is not always possible for me to purchase from the farms.  When I can't do it that way I at least buy pastured or 100% grass fed beef from the natural food stores. I use the same level of consciousness when I purchase turkey, fish, or bison. I will only eat meat if I cook it or I take it somewhere to be cooked. If I know for sure where the meat was sourced from at a restaurant I will order it.  These are ways I have been able to have peace within me and honor the soul and medicine of the animal.  I could not do it any other way.

There are so many eating lifestyles out there now.  It is as diverse and sometimes as full of dogma as religion.  In fact it has gotten to a point where eating lifestyles have turned into religions.  It seems tensions rise and verbal arguments break out between people from different eating lifestyles just the same as two religious sects trying to prove their way to God is the only way.

During my time as a yoga instructor I have witnessed the internal struggle of students in regards to the topic of food-particularly eating meat.  Especially people new to yoga who start experiencing the wonderful benefits of showing up to class, maintaining a daily practice, and making connections within the community.  The struggle I have seen and heard is, "I still eat meat, I feel bad, I know I practice yoga which means I shouldn't eat it."  I have had students approach me after class and verbally process on me for 20 minutes and everything that they needed to work out within them simply boiled down, "To eat meat or not to eat meat."

So I am finishing this blog by saying this.  The body that is literally the vehicle for our soul to experience life on this planet is highly intelligent.  It has its own consciousness.  It knows what it needs to maintain a balance.  It knows what foods actually disturb it and knock it out of balance.  I it knows what foods it needs to bring it back into balance.  The only thing it needs is for the person who is inhabiting it to pay attention.  There will always be a new scientific study released saying something is beneficial and something is bad.  Then there will be another one a decade later proving that  previous study was wrong.

 Some people were born to experience life as a vegetarian or a vegan.  Others were born to know what it like to exist taking in meat.  Some people have been born to only eat fish and plant life and still others just want to eat fruit as a source of energy.  Whether we choose to eat our food cooked or consume it raw the fact of the matter is there is no ONE right way to good and balanced health and well being.  If a certain food feels right to eat for a time being listen to that.  Do not live your life based on what others may think.  They are not living in your body.  They do not have your body chemistry.   It is beautiful to have values to live by and ideals to strive to live up to, but, living a balanced life means having to find...the balance.  Having to be flexible.  Having to let go.  Wow.  Sounds like practicing yoga.

So I may not be able to call myself a "yogi" rather I am one who teaches yoga.  I may end up lifting my fork to my mouth one day and getting the message that its time to put the meat down.  Everything changes. Its called non-attachment. The thing I am most grateful about going on the journey of not eating meat to eating meat is that now I have tolerance and understanding for all paths of eating styles.  Just as I respect others choices for how they choose to eat all I ask is the same in return.

Here is to finding balance in all ways...........

Eating doesn't have to be stressful.  Go within and listen.


Thy Food is Thy Medicine!

What Lies Beneath The Two Most Disempowering Words Of My Every Day Vocabulary….

It's Okay.


These two small words seem harmless.  After all they are just two words and they are generally positive.  So why would I call these two of the most dis empowering words of my personal vocabulary?  It is not necessarily the words themselves as it is the underlying motivation for their use.  If I think about it life is really lived day to day and moment by moment by not what is actually said but rather what is below the surface in the subtext.  For me personally I have come to a profound awareness of how much I devalue myself on a daily basis when I speak the words, "It's okay."

What do I mean by this? 

Sometimes it is natural and proper to answer someone with, "it's okay."  It is a harmless phrase for most intents and purposes.  When I find it harmful and dis empowering is when I use it as a way to excuse away someones lack of respect for me.

I did not make this connection until about a week ago when I was working on a trauma timeline assignment upon recommendation of my therapist.  It was an intense project to work on and not for the faint of heart to have to look at.  As I was looking at the patterns of experiences that happened to me over the past 30 some years I could literally feel myself  shrinking inside.  In fact that is exactly what happened to me over the first 30 years of my life.  I shrunk.  My true-inner- child-magical- self literally curled up in a ball within to hide away from a world of pain that was to much to bear.  A false self was created.  Walls were constructed around her. The magic was buried.  The child went into hiding from a cruel world she felt did not care for her. 

 As I was reading this time line I felt my insides shrink.  I felt my shoulders slump even more.  I was reminded again of that part of me that does not feel worthy of existence. There is still a part of me that does not believe in my inherent value as a human being.   That little girl within is still holding tight to the past. That belief that she does not matter. Apparently even though I have done tremendous self-healing work in this area there is still more work to do to assist with shifting this belief.  It is a strong one in me!  My inner child still holds this perception that was created by a lifetime of experiences that kept reinforcing in her that she is not worthy.  It is no matter that the adult intellectual part of me understands I AM worthy and I have value.  It is not the conscious that runs my programming, it is my subconscious.  It is the patterns that were created when I was young.  As I wrote above life is really lived in the subtle.... in what lies beneath.

 For some reason going over that time line helped me realize one of the major ways I have still been reinforcing the belief that I don't matter and I am not worthy.  I do it by how I respond when people disrespect or take advantage of me.  One specific way I know I do this is when I let people take advantage of me is with my time.  Or if I pay for a service that I was not happy with and don't speak up about it.  Another way is women not returning my phone calls when I reach out to make a connection or reach out for support. 

 I know I call these people and situations into my life because they act as reinforcers of my personal belief system.  I have caught on that their are certain people that repeatedly make me wait far past my scheduled appointment times.  These people keep doing it because I let them.  I give them permission.  When they say, "I am sorry for making you wait"and I respond with slumped shoulders and an automatic, "Oh, it's okay" I am telling them how to treat me.  I am telling them to keep doing it to me.  Another way is when I reach out and call women to make a connection in my recovery program and do not get a return phone call.  When I confront them later and ask if they received my message I usually get an,"I am busy or I am not good at calling people back" response.  In which I respond with, "Oh, it's okay."

The thing is:  IT IS NOT OKAY!

Every time I say those words what I am really saying is:

 "Oh, no worries.  I don't want YOU to feel bad or awkward or anything strange.  Its okay.  I don't really matter anyway.  I am used to it.  Keep going ahead and doing it to me.  It is just who you are  and I accept it.  I know you are busy and important and have many other things to do and people to talk too. I totally accept being treated like that.  It doesn't matter because I know I don't matter.  Its just my reality.  I'm used to it.  Don't even worry about it."

That is really what i am saying when I say, "It's Okay."

The day after I made this realization I had the opportunity to experience the power of NOT speaking those two words.  I found myself at a gathering with other women that are part of a that recovery program I spoke of.  I happened to pass one of the women as she was leaving.  I wasn't going to say anything to her but something in me pushed me forward.  I simply asked her if she had gotten the voice mail I had left for her a week or so earlier asking her if we could meet for tea so I could get to know her better.  It took her a few moments until she responded with, "Oh yes. I am sorry.  I am bad at calling people back. Just ask so and so. I have been busy."  I could feel my automatic response wanting to burst out of my lips, but, instead I just stood there and listened.  I didn't say those two words.  I refused.  It was strange.  It felt strange in my body, but, I held my ground. Yes. I new she was a busy lady but....... so am I.  Before she departed I did compliment her on the pants she was wearing.   I then felt a surge of energy burst forth.  It felt strange and good.  I felt happy.  It was like my true self peeked out for just a few moments.  My inner child heard me not de-value her. It wasn't in what I said.  It was in what I didn't say that spoke the loudest to my inner child and let her know, she mattered!

What has also been a profound awareness is how much I have done certain things to other people that do not honor their value.  Yes.  I admit it.  I would be completely out of integrity if I wrote this post and did not take responsibility for doing some of the same things that hurt me to other people.  I am telling myself today, IT IS NOT OKAY to do that to others. It is part of the lesson I have to learn about values.  Every human deserves the right to know and understand they matter just by right of being born.  Every human being has a value because they were created by the divine.  If I want my inner child/my subconscious patterns to continue to shift I have to not only build that sense of worth in myself, but also  do things that help build it in others.  In a balanced way that is honoring both people.  This can be done by simple actions such as calling someone back, respecting someones time, or simply asking how someone is feeling. 

It is going to take some work for me to break out of that pattern of saying, "Its okay."  Now that I am aware of it I am seeing just how much I allow myself to say it.  It is hard not to be frustrated by it but I just keep reminding myself that it takes time to undo a belief pattern that has been a lifetime in the making.

It really is fascinating when I stop and think about just how much the truth does reside in the subtle. 

In the unspoken.

In the subconscious.

In the subtext.

"It's okay"   

Is it?  Really?

If you are reading this post think about some of your go to responses. The automatic ones that just burst out of your mouth.  You know the one.  The one that is a mask.  Notice today and tomorrow when you say those words or phrase.  Is it empowering or disempowering?  What are you really saying?   Go ahead. It's okay. When I say those two words this time I mean it!   

What lies beneath….. 

The Truth is What Will Set Us Free!

32 Reasons Why Addiction is Both A Gift and A Curse

 32 Reasons Addiction is Both A Gift and a Curse

Addiction is a Curse:

1.  It is a curse because in active addiction one DOES NOT HAVE A CHOICE.

2.  It is a curse when you are taking a substance that you know is harming you and no matter how much destruction you know it is causing to your body you just cannot stop.

3.  It is a curse when loved ones have to bear witness to the self-centered, destructive, actions of some one in active addiction.

4.  It is a curse because it leads one to reach out to anything to help fill the emptiness within-the spiritual void.  It constantly has us looking for that person, place, or thing that will make everything all right and that will help us cope with daiy living and reality.

5.  It is a curse when one walks around in denial that they are in fact an addict.

6.  It is a curse when the disease of addiction  has someone convinced that just because they are still functioning in their job, earning an income, and have a roof over their head they could not possibly be considered an addict.

7.  It is a curse when using for fun on the weekends turns into having to use every day of the week.

8.  It is a curse when one thinks an addict is only someone who is a junkie living on the streets and not someone who is a mom that takes prescription painkillers everyday.

9.  It is a curse when a person does not want to reach out for help because they think it would be a sign of weakness or sickness in the eyes of society.

10.  It is a curse when the shame is to great to to ask for help.

11.  It is a curse when people around do not understand the nature of addiction and do not take the time to understand addiction is a symptom of deeper core issues that are both psychological and physiological in nature.

12.  It is a curse a person thinks addiction only applies to "drugs and alcohol."  (Alcohol is a drug)

13.  It is a curse when one has sought out a path of recovery and then chooses to go back out and use again.

14.  It is  a curse when you are in a recovery program and do not apply the simple suggestions laid out to maintain a solid path of recovery.

15.  It is a curse when one is clean but living dirty.  Putting down the substance or behavior does not equal recovery.

16.  It is a curse because the ultimate goal of the dis-ease of addiction is to take a person to their death.

Only an addict knows that throbbing sensation of every cell in their body screaming for just one more.  The addict knows the agony that is felt when every fiber of their being is pulsating with the need to satisfy the craving.   An addict knows the curse of obsessive thoughts that do stop until the compulsive actions kick in to do whatever needs to be done to feed the addiction.  The thoughts that just cry for one more hit over and over and over.  Whatever needs to be done to stop them..….

Addiction is a Gift:

1.  It is a gift if one understands addiction is a symptom of a deep emotional core issue(s) and/or physiological and energetic imbalances.

2.  It is a gift because it alerts people to the reality that something within is just not right.  Something needs to be paid attention too.  It provides an opportunity for the suffering addict to learn about themselves on a deep level and to heal deep emotional wounds, traumas, and core issues that otherwise would cause pain and heartache for the rest of ones life.

3.  It is a gift that leads people into support communities with others who understand how someone with the dis-ease of addiction thinks, functions, and, interacts with society.

4.  It is a gift because someone with the dis-ease of addiction can reach out and be there for another who is suffering.  An addict understands another addict in a way others may not.  There is a therapeutic value when one addict helps another.

5.  It is a gift because it creates an incredible sense of compassion for self and others and deep sense of humility.

6.  It is a gift because it teaches self-forgiveness and forgiveness towards others.

7.  It is a gift because having the dis-ease of addiction teaches us to live "just for today" and that every day without using is a day won.

8.  It is a gift because people who are addicts come to understand the power there is in "surrendering to win."

9.  It is a gift because it allows a bunch of self-centered, self-obsessed people learn how to put into practice spiritual principles and actions such as  humility, compassion, self-love, love for others, forgiveness, and selfless service.

10.  It is a gift because gratitude is learned and experienced at a deep level.

11.  It is a gift because when one realizes they have the dis-ease of addiction they can rest assured they are not defective or have a moral deficiency.  There is hope.

12.  It is a gift because it teaches us to believe there is something greater than ourselves that can assist us in life…..beginning with lifting the desire to use and/or act out in a destructive behavior.

13.  It is a gift because it leads one to better understand that feeling of emptiness within that they were trying to fill with drugs/alcohol, etc.

14. It is a gift because it brings awareness to the need to be honest with self and others.

15.  It is a gift because when one becomes aware they are an addict they can begin to move out of a life lived in fear.

16.  It is a gift because it can lead one to an spiritual awakening.



When I speak of addiction as a gift I am speaking of it when one has started down a path of recovery.  That is when addiction turns into a gift.  Until then it can feel like a curse.  If I am following the suggestions given to me that have assisted countless other addicts in staying clean and living a life based on spiritual principles on a day to day basis then addiction is a gift.  If I don't follow the simple time tested suggestions than addiction can quickly become a curse.

 There are different paths of recovery out there one can choose to walk down mine just happens to be the path of 12 steps.  I do struggle from time to time with being in a 12 step environment.  There are some things about it that I just don't resonate with, but, the benefits far outweigh the parts of it that bother me.  It has saved my life in many ways.  It provides the "handbook" on how to face ones self and the insanity that is created in ones life from active addiction.  It teaches an addict how to take responsibility for their past actions, understand who they are, become aware of their assets as well as defects, ask for defects to be removed, make amends to others as needed, and give back to society through selfless service work.

It ultimately teaches one how to grow up and be a responsible member of society living a life based on spiritual NOT RELIGIOUS principles.

Is addiction going to be a gift or a curse for me today?

I don't know.  It is all up to what I choose.

Today I have a choice and I thank recovery for that.


The above is a list largely based on my own personal experience and reflection.  I asked input from a couple other of addicts and added their "gifts of addiction" to the list.  I know that I could not possibly think of every gift  and curse there is because I am but one human.  If you can relate to anything shared above and have your own "gift  or curse of addiction" to share then I invite you to please post it  in the comment section below.  The world can not have to many blogs and articles out there written from the experience of actual recovering addicts.  

Please remember being qualified as an addict is not limited to using "illegal substances."  It includes any mind- altering, mood changing substance or behavior that you are not able to stop using or acting out on.  That is any substance or behavior that creates unmanagability and insanity in your life.

I am not bold enough to claim addiction can be cured.  I know there are tools and techniques for people out there to utilize to bring their physiological and energetic imbalances back into balance. There are plenty of therapeutic resources to assist with healing trauma and core issues.  I know there are steps to take on a daily basis to assist with keeping the dis-ease "arrested."  I do know from experience that on any given day no matter how many years I have gone without using, and how many times I have been in therapy, or how many 12 step meetings I have attended the desire to want to use can return.  That is why I stick with a program to keep me in check and I keep in touch with other recovering addicts to remind me of this.  I also remember to look at the gifts it has given me.

There is hope for a new life.  If you are someone who is suffering from this dis-ease or you know someone who may be in active addiction remember nobody has to go through it alone.  There is help out there.  Everywhere.  People who understand and do not shame.  People who know what it is like and can help guide you to a new way of life.  There are thousands of people right now just waiting to reach their hand out and pull you out of the darkness and into the light.

" Great Spirit.  Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.  The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  Just For Today."

In A NYC Dance Studio: I Sweat My Prayers, Danced With God, and Found Myself.

Dance till you shatter-Rumi


It has now been two years since my life as I had known it "shattered." I have been on a journey of piecing back together all parts of myself in a new way since October 22, 2011.  Recovering from emotional trauma takes a great deal of time, gentleness, patience, and a willingness to try different things to assist one in making sense of self and the world.  The journey that I have been on to recover the lost parts of myself over the past couple of years has taken me to therapists, treatment centers, various yoga sets, creative art classes, energy healers, chiropractors, natural healers, and of course this journey introduced me to the healing power of dance.  In particular, the movement as meditation, practice that is known as The 5 Rhythms.

 I discovered this practice while I was house sitting deep in the woods about 30 miles outside of Nashville.  I was grateful for the time I was given to be with me and the ability to be able to connect and rest in the womb of Mother Nature.  The time and space spent in nature allowed me to be with the confusion and pain that was permeating through my being at the time and assisted me with connecting to what I needed to do to heal me.

"Traveled The Good Red Road To The House"

  I remember one day I was sitting in the house drenched in sadness.  Intuitively  I knew I needed to start moving my body, but the regimented practice of the style of yoga I was practicing was not what it needed.  I needed something different.  I happened to get up from the couch I was on and go and google tthe 5 Rhythms.  I thought of the 5 Rhythms only because a year earlier a student came into the studio I taught at and was inquiring about possibly holding a 5 Rhythms Movement gathering there.  Due to the type of floors that were in the studio at the time she opted not too.  That meeting seemed to plant some kind of seed in me.  After that meeting with her I went home and looked up what the 5 Rhythms was about.  I remember  reading about the practice through the 5 Rhythms web site, but, at that time I just didn't get it.  I wasn't ready.

 A year later.

Deep in the woods.

 Nowhere to go.

 Looking through different eyes.

I  read the information on the website again. This time I seemed to be able to understand what the practice was about.  I remember watching a video of Gabrielle Roth, the creator of the 5 Rhythms, speaking about the purpose of the rhythms.  I had tears streaming down my face while listening to her and the call from my soul to get up and dance the rhythms was unlike anything I had felt before.  If I was going to get reacquainted with my body this was how I would start.  So I put on music and moved.

 I didn't really know what i was suppose to do.  I just watched the videos I could find on line,  looked up what I could about what each rhythm was about, and then I just danced.

That House In The Woods

My Dance Floor

 I danced in the rain.

 I danced around the fire pit.

I danced with the trees as my partners.

 I danced under the moon.

I danced in the mud.

Best of all I was dancing with myself.

 I was dancing back into my body.

Eventually I bought the book, Sweat Your Prayers by Gabrielle Roth.  Reading about the rhythms took me to a whole new understanding of the practice.  I learned about the disowned parts of myself.  Each of the rhythms actually have various archetypes connected to them and these archetypes represent different part of the self.  As soon as I read what archetypes were associated with each rhythm I immediately knew which parts of me needed to be reclaimed.  I knew one of those parts was my masculine/father energy.  I would own the rhythm of staccato:)

From that time in the woods until now I have continued to practice the rhythms.  There are no teachers in Nashville and no official groups that gather.  Last March by divine chance I happened to get an e-mail from someone that was advertising a 5 Rhythms Workshop coming to Nashville.  It happened to be only two days away.  What a miracle.  I attended and it gave me my first experience of really dancing the rhythms in a group.  It was powerful.  I was grateful.

 Nothing could prepare me for what I would experience with dancing the rhythms in a classroom in NYC just three months later.........


It amazes me that I have lived in New York City five different times since I was 18 and not one of those times did this movement practice come into my life.  It's strange to think I could have opened my apartment door and strolled just a few blocks to a studio and been part of a class every night.  Yet, back then I walked out my door  and strolled into the gym next door to work with a personal trainer and sweat in cardio- kick boxing classes.

"Machines don't call me.  I'm not a member of the gym.  The reality is I demand more from my workouts.-I want God.  When I dance I feel the presence of a divine force and this is my addiction.  Feeding it is as simple as putting on the right music and letting go.  Doing what I have come to call "the five rhythms" is the surest way to drop whatever you are carrying and to move beyond your baggage to a new you, a new body, one that is fueled by soul." -Gabrielle Roth, Sweat Your Prayers

So this past June I went back up to NYC.  The first time since my "shattering."  It was different.  I was different.  I had visited the city a couple times after moving away in 2001 but now everything within me had shifted.  I was now seeing the city through different eyes and taking in its energy through different senses than before.

On a grey, cloudy Sunday morning I had the pleasure of strolling by myself from my old neighborhood on the east side over to the West Village.  I stopped to sit in Union Square Park and did a bit of journaling.  That park has been a part of my life journey since I was a lost and lonely 18 year old from a small town in Pennsylvania trying to make sense of the living in a city. I ate many turkey sandwiches on the steps during my lunch breaks from classes at Lee Strasberg Theatre Institute, I have wandered the farmers market many times and delight in how it has grown since the early 2000's, and this park has welcomed me back to its benches every time I have returned to visit.   The buildings around the square have changed since 1994 but the benches, and the memories they hold, have remained the same.

 After visiting with my old park friendI left and  continued walking the streets, taking in the energy of the city, and honoring the memories of a time and a person I was long ago.

 I soon  found the dance studio that was hosting the class and stood outside.  I snapped a picture of a flyer on the studio door that was a 5 Rhythms advertisement.  The picture captured a reflection of a grand church that was behind me.  This  photo perfectly represented the experience that was going to come.  I was literally about to attend "church."

"The Church of Dance"

When I entered into the studio there was already a good group gathered.  The teacher had a pa system set up and already had music playing.  People started floating into the studio.  Everyone seemed to know what to do.  There was no instruction.  Just music and space.  I couldn't help but to notice right away a woman sitting on the floor against a pillar.  She looked primitive.  She was sitting with her feet flat on the floor, knees spread wide, eyes closed.  A slight grin of what seemed like ecstasy was spread across her face.  It literally looked like she was in the act of foreplay with some invisible force.  I was confused.  The cells within me that held old Puritan beliefs from my ancestors about the body and sexual expression must have caused me to roll my eyes and feel a discomfort within me at the site of her.  I wasn't expecting to feel like that.

There were people of all ages, shapes, sizes.  Men.  Women.  People with missing limbs.  All coming together to experience this movement practice.  To know themselves.  To know themselves in relation to others.  And to discover it all on the dance floor.

"Warming Up"

As I began to connect to the music and let the rhythm of flowing move through me the excitement of being there began to fade and was soon replaced with the experience of awkwardness in my body.  I couldn't let myself flow.  It was difficult for me to move.  It is never difficult for me to move.  My body was resisting.  I was self-conscious.  Nervous.  It hit me that I didn't know anybody.  I was an outsider.  I didn't know what was going on.  Part of me wanted to run.  I suddenly felt like I didn't belong.  What the hell was I doing here?  My core issues were coming forth.  The experience was beginning.  Shit. Shit. Fuck.

I remembered the passage from the book,  Sweat Your Prayers that had Gabrielle sharing about a woman who was dancing the rhythm of chaos.  This woman had a vision of herself as a little girl who couldn't have fun.  While dancing she tried to make herself have fun.  Gabrielle had said that was not a good idea.  Rather than imposing a feeling upon her dance, she should enter into the dance that she was avoiding, the dance of not having fun, and dance it fully, dance through until it changed.

"There are no good or bad or better or worse dance; there is only the dance itself."- Gabrielle Roth

So I did.  I danced the awkwardness.  I allowed myself to feel like a robot.  I closed my eyes and danced "uncomfortable and awkward and self-consciousness."  I allowed myself to feel the feelings of not mattering and not good enough.  I allowed all of it to guide my movement.  You know what?  Yep. It did shift.  Suddenly I was able to move and I allowed myself to move to a different area of the studio.

"Somewhere between Flowing and Staccato"

I remember how being in a group of strangers also brought forth the feelings of not mattering.  Many people seemed to know one another and I felt like an outsider.  When I found myself staying on the outskirts of the group I would  get myself to move towards the center and try to connect with someone to dance.  I could not connect.  I realized even in my dance the walls I had around me were there.  I was dancing staccato and I was getting mad.  I didn't want these walls.  I wanted to be able to move through them.  I wanted to be able to connect to people.

 I kept noticing one girl in particular.  Something about her rubbed me the wrong way.  I remember her blood red lipstick and raven black hair.  She reminded me of an 18 year version of myself when I first moved to this city.  When I would go near her I kept noticing she wouldn't look me in the eye.  I remember feeling really frustrated because I felt she was purposely avoiding me.  I did not feel this with anyone else just her.  It really pissed me off.  "What was wrong with me?" Time after time something about her really triggered me. What did she have against me?  So I decided to stay away from her.  Issues being played out on the dance floor.

"Chaos"

Then the rhythm of chaos came.  The collective energy of the group intensified.  Shit was getting real.  The layers people carried in with them had been shed through the rhythms of flowing and staccato.  A  sense of freedom to really move and let go was now fully present.  The magic was increasing and suddenly I was face to face with the raven black hair girl with the blood red lips in the dead center middle of the dance floor.  I like to believe the universe orchestrated that precise moment for the two of us to meet as part of our spiritual experience.

Alice Coopers, Schools Out, came on and the room erupted in screams.  Suddenly the room was full of 18 year olds.  Bodies jumping up and down, fist pumps in the air, as if we were connecting to the memories and feelings of the last day of high school. All of us expressing the excitement of not having to listen to teachers anymore or having to be trapped in the confines of a class room anymore.  Freedom was ours.

The freedom of the present moment was that of letting our spirits soar with the rhythms of the primal beats that were deepening as we all went into chaos.  This girl and I were now face to face and our eyes were locked.  In the middle of the chaos of bodies we threw a fit together.  Reflections of one another.  We did not know each other but something within us that we needed to see in one another brought us together.  Clearly something we were both wanting to avoid.  We threw a fit to Alice Cooper.  Jumping up and down, screaming,  hair flying, and  fists pumping.  When we had no more pent up teen age angst to release we both smiled at one another.  We had faced one another.  Each of us broke down a wall.  After that we didn't avoid one another.  We danced.

  God respects us
when we work but loves us
when we dance.
-Old Sufi saying


I finally could experience what I only read about in regards to chaos.  I went to the that place where the the soul takes over and partners with the rhythm of the music.  Out of the clutches of the mind the body and soul knew exactly what to do.  I was now part of a tribe and this tribe was sweating its prayers.  My body went into a tribal dance of some sorts and the observer in me stepped back to witness.  There was no effort. Sweat pouring down my face.  I was free.  It was a meditation.  A trance.  A freedom from the clutches of the mind.  It was a connection to spirit.  A connection to unlike anything I ever experienced sitting in a chair or on a hard wood pew of a church.  I felt the holy spirit.  I connected to shakti energy.  I felt the divine dancing with me.  I felt connected to every person in that room in a way I could not when I first entered the studio.  Nobody preached to me about how to find God or ways to act in order to connect to God.  I didn't have to go through a preacher.  I was connected.  In ecstasy.  I understood now possibly why the woman who sparked an uneasiness in me when I entered the studio was sitting there looking like she was making out with an invisible force.  I was now connected to the amazing creative second chakra energy that was permeating the studio. I felt like I was making out with an invisible divine energy.  I was simply allowing myself to not stop resisting the flow of the divine Kundalini energy.  The creative force of the universe.

"Lyrical"

When the lyrical rhythm began I felt free.  I was skipping around the studio experiencing the lightness of being.  Dancing lyrical after giving it all over through the rhythm of chaos is like experiencing the relief and lightness after a deep cry or emotional release.  I had shaken off so many emotional layers.  Even though this rhythm is about lightness and play I found myself feeling sadness.  The sadness was for all those people that never allow themselves to let go.  Those people who are held back from letting their hair fly and arms flail.  Those humans who don't allow themselves to play, and dance, and feel, and cry and just live.  I was sad for that part of me that for so many years never allowed myself to play.  I found myself saying a prayer for my ancestors and my current family members.  I then invited my family in spirit to join me.  I skipped around the room and danced for all my ancestors and current family members who can't let go.  Who can't connect to play or express their feelings.  I danced for them and I released for all my generations.

 I skipped and played and looked at the skyline of the city that I have loved and hated for so many years.  This time around I got this city.  I got it on a level I wasn't able to before because I had been blocked off to it.  Everything about New York is poetic.  It is shitty and beautiful.  It can make peoples dreams come true and can shatter them.  The creative energy in that city is thick with hopes and dreams and sadness and despair.  It is truly a place where all those who never fit into their families, who were misunderstood, and who are just free spirits can escape too.  Even if it is for a short time.  New York offers so much to people to feel alive.  And for the first time in a long time I felt alive.  Looking out to the skyline, looking at the grand church,  I was alive.  And for the first time I thanked the city for its beauty and its gifts.

"My Stillness"

Then there was the rhythm of stillness.  I just kept staring out the window.  It is all I could do.  At this point I was tired.  I gave the dance everything of me.  I was at the zero point and all I could do was be.  I stood in the window and continued to stare at the church.  Just swaying back and forth. Surrendered.  My body in complete prayer.  I then turned around and took in the studio and the group of souls-the tribe- that assisted me with this life changing experience. I breathed in the smell of sweat and city air.  I didn't want to forget.  I didn't want to forget how it was to experience heaven on earth.  I didn't want to forget what it was like to be fully alive and dancing in the kingdom of heaven.

No Filters on this Photo Just Sweat and After Glow!

I thanked the instructor and of course had to get my picture taken with him.  I shared how grateful I was and also how sad I was that this did not happen in Nashville.  There is a church on every corner in Nashville promising that their way is the way to connect to God.  Yet it was this practice that gave me direct experience  Where is a 5 Rhythms "church" in my current hometown?

That was my NYC 5 Rhythms experience.

The creative ideas that flowed from me during those two hours were amazing.  I wonder what life would be like to dance in a class like that twice a week?  At this point I would take once a week.

Tonight on October 22, 2013 three years after my "shattering"  I get to participate in a 5 Rhythms workshop here in Nashville, TN.  I am excited and nervous at the same time. That means I am alive.  I don't know what to expect.  Anything can happen.  I do know that no matter what some kind of magic will be happening.  Its just a matter of being open to how it shows up.

What are the "5 Rhythms" Of The Soul?

"Doing the rhythms is about waking up your most essential nature, stretching your intuition and imagination as surely as your body.  It's a formless form, one that expands your range of physical and emotional expression and introduces you to forgotten parts of your psyche.  Anyone can do the rhythms."  -Gabrielle Roth, Sweat Your Prayers

Flowing- Feminine energy, connecting to how your body moves, being open to change and birthing new movement.  Moving from the inhalation.  Taking in the goodness.  Taking in compliments, let downs, support.  Soft, rounded movements.  Earth.

Staccato-Masculine energy, putting self in world, moving through inertia, areas one feels stuck, sharp lines and edges, creating boundaries, the rhythm of taking responsibility, showing up for self, being the hero of your life, Fire

Chaos- The meeting of the divine feminine and masculine, diving beneath the self-imposed layers into the depths of your being and shaking it out, connecting to intuition, releasing from the mind, giving it all over to the divine, freeing self, powerful as water to wash away and cleanse out the old

Lyrical- "Lightness of being"  A celebration.  Still as free and wild as chaos but lighter.  This is about air.  Feeling what you feel but lighter.  Like the afterglow of sex.  The lightness of being after a really good cry. The good feeling after studying hard, taking a test, acing it, and enjoying the feeling of accomplishment.  Anything is possible when connected to the rhythm of lyrical.  We don't have to lock ourselves into being one thing we know we can shape shift.  We know we can change anytime.  We can celebrate life.  Air.

Stillness- Experiencing the power of being and not the power of doing.  Slowing down to the present moment.  Connecting within.  Moving to find stillness.  This is the rhythm of growing older.     The rhythm of dying.  Peacefulness.  Meditation.  Staying present in the middle of a storm.

If you are interested in experiencing this movement as a spiritual practice just start looking online.  There are plenty of resources and videos available to get you started.  There are no steps to learn.  You don't have to know how to dance.  

Books available:

Sweat Your Prayers, The Five Rhythms Of The Soul by Gabrielle Roth

Maps To Ecstasy by Gabrielle Roth

Website:

www.5rhythms.com

When is the last time you have allowed yourself to let go.......

DANCE.