A Whole 30 Photo Journey: Days 11-20. "Self Love, Selfishness, Avocados, Grocery Store Anxiety, and Cramps. Yes. Cramps"

Days 11-15

My body may have been taking the photo but I'm fairly certain in my mind I was laying on a beach somewhere licking a bag of Kettle Chips after I consumed them all.  Crunch.

Looks like I came back to reality here. No beach?  Fine.  I will eat my veggies.

This was the week I was dreading.  Every month I have two things I have to endure and one of them doesn't include paying bills.  Every month thanks to me being a woman I have the honor and privilege of going through a process that gives most women the ability to create life.  It is called by many names but I will refer to it as my "moon cycle".  When this time approaches I know a headache will be not far behind.  One that usually lasts 2-2 1/2 days.  Some months it doesn't happen but this month wasn't one of them.  I also have the usual physical pain of cramps.

Both of these physical imbalances would have be an excuse for me to have to take Advil's (NSAIDS) or Excedrin's (NSAIDS) and drink a big coca-cola. The whole point to what I am doing is to rebuild my stomach lining and reduce the inflammation in my gut so I cannot take any of these.  It was not easy for me, but, when put in a position like that forced me to have to look for alternative solutions.  For me the only solution outside of taking Excedrin or ending up in the McDonald's drive through ordering a large coke for the caffeine was to just let time do its thing.  Why would I take Excedrin or drink a McDonald's Coke?  One word: caffeine.  There usually was a 50/50 chance that either the Excedrin or Coke would actually work.  Sometimes they did and other times I would take them purely for psychological reasons.  I felt somewhat of relief for about 30 minutes resting in the hope that if I took in one of those "remedies" I may get relief.  This time I didn't have that.  I just had to wait it out.

 As for the cramps Advil (NSAID) is the only thing that has ever been able to give me relief from my cramps.  Trust me.  I have been enduring this for years and have tried many other products.  Tylenol doesn't even touch it.  The following two rememdies and a change in my diet did touch something.  It is amazing what just a small passing of time can actually do along with two natural remedies.  I have been taking a product called Zyflamend for my body inflammation.  It contains a combination of different herbs to assist in reducing body inflammation including curcumin (tumeric).  I had run out of it and not had a chance to pick up more when my first bout of cramps came on.  I did go out and purchase a bottle and took my first capsule and I would say that it did help.  On that first day of cramps I did an essential oil regimen using Clary Sage.  I applied a few drops on my abdomen area, put a warm washcloth over the oil and applied my relax wrap heating pad to assist in deeper penetration of the oil.  Within 15 minutes the cramps had subsided.   I continued using Zyflamend everyday and can say I only had really bad cramps for one day.  I had minor ones the next day and couldn't do the oil and heating pad when they came on.  I just let time do its thing and moved through it. Guess what they subsided.  I had no more cramps the rest of the week.  As for the headache...well....I love my Relax Wrap neck and shoulder heating pad.  I heat it up in the oven and wrap it around the base of my neck and rest it on my shoulders.  I used that and just did the best I could to move through the pain and eventually it passed.  No NSAIDS!  No caffeine!  I did it!

Ahhh..the Relax Wrap.  Made right here in Nashville, Tn.

 I was also really frustrated during this week.  Not just from my moon cycle but I was getting sick of cooking and then cleaning all the dishes.  Oy!  The dishes.  It takes alot of effort and time to eat like this.  I mean it is how everyone should eat and how we did once upon a time.  It can be difficult to take the time to cook every meal in this fast paced modern western world.  It really sucked having to cook while dealing with a migraine.  I was so over it.  I found myself questioning over and over if this was really going to make any difference to my face or health in general.  My mind was searching for every excuse there was to give up and give in especially since it was my time of the month and my head hurt.  NO!  That is why I had myself put up the PDF's on my fridge.  It's only 30 Days-I can do it!

Days 13-17

I am experiencing crazy mood swings.  I know it is a combination of my blood sugar balancing itself out and the frustration of not being able to eat certain comfort foods.  Also I'm just pissed.  My headache subsided but I still really wanted to reach out for soothing foods.  My brain really wanted me to reach out for chips and when I wouldn't give in then it simply transferred that desire into another food.  I suddenly found myself wanting to eat sweet potato fries a lot.  I did eat them a couple times during my moon cycle because I did need comfort during that time. They were Whole 30 compliant as long as I roasted them in olive oil.  Just like when I knew I was crossing the line from using  prescription pills for what they were intended for I also know when my brain crosses the line with certain foods and what they are intended for.  I can feel it.  It is not only my brain but it is also the candida within me that drives my food choices.  It is the candida that craves the carbs and sugars for its food and survival.  I am taking my body back you little sh*@ts!

I am trying to change the habits I have connected to food.  These 30 days are an opportunity for me to go deeper into these habits and work on shifting them.  The brain doesn't know the difference between refined sugar, high fructose corn syrup, brown rice syrup, fruit juice sweetened, organic cane juice, turbinado sugar, fructose, malitol, xylitol, and whatever else they try to pass off as not being as bad as refined sugar.  My brain knows:

 sugar =getting a high and getting soothed. 

 I do something good and I get rewarded-with food.

 I feel bad and I get soothed-with food. 

I get frustrated I reach out for a handful of....something crunchy.  

I feel abandoned-food is there. 

  Doing something like this is enabling me to change these habits and create new neural pathways in my brain.  It is giving me a no nonsense way of looking at the feelings that drive these responses.  Oh trust me it has been a BITCH!!

During this week I believe there was some frustration come up from my husband.  It is not easy being around someone who is so focused on making a change like this.  Especially if it involves food.  My husband loves food.   He can eat pretty much all the types of food that leave me looking like I have chicken pox on my face.  Part of the fun of being in a relationship is going out to eat, cooking meals, ordering pizza or Chinese take out, snacking together, etc.  So much  of life really does revolve around food.  That part of our relationship has had to shift and will continue to because I don't want to go back to how I was eating even after these 30 days are over.

  He did get mad at me one night and spoke out of frustration.  He shared that I was being selfish and self-centered because all I am is focused on is healing, healing, healing.  "It's all about me and what I am eating and need to do."  I get it.  I am very focused on this.  I admit that it does take a certain level of self-centeredness and selfishness to navigate through something new and intense like this.  I know I have asked alot of him.  I have asked him to hide his snacks and I have taken away the fun and "high" of going out to a restaurant and feasting.  I understand it can be strange being around someone who is eating a certain way and that way is not a way you are eating.  The Whole 30 people do very well to include in their preparation  information the likelihood of this kind of thing happening and what to expect.  I will not let anyone make me feel bad for making choices that are to support my health and well-being.  I will not shrink to make someone else feel more comfortable.   I do have to say we were arguing about other things also.  It is called being married.

My husband has also been extremely supportive of me through this and I am thankful. I could not ask for a more supportive partner.  He is allowed an eruption here and there.  I hope the yummy meals we have been preparing have been some kind of pay off for putting up with this:)   One thing I do enjoy is that because I am taking myself out of my comfort zone to learn new recipes and ways of cooking I am actually preparing  healthy balanced meals for both of us to eat.  I have felt more like a wife in these past couple of weeks in the sense that I am able to grocery shop and have dinner ready-most nights.

My face cleared up a bit more more during Days 13-15.  My skin in general has taken on a sheen that wasn't there before.  The break outs on my arms and chest have cleared.  I have to say my energy levels are still not anywhere near what they speak of happens during a Whole 30.  Then again I am not doing a normal straight forward Whole 30.  I am also using remedies to assist me with candida clearing which requires more energy of my body to assist in the cleansing process.  I have to keep reminding myself of that when I feel I am getting frustrated.

Love This Photo.  No Hiding.  All Natural.
Self-Love

Around Day 16 I felt like I regressed.  My face flared up again, all of my energy was depleted and my whole body was inflamed.  I had just finished up my part time job at a restaurant which calls for alot of physical activity.  I had also taught a Kundalini Yoga class on Day 15 and was tending to many other activities at home while my husband was out on tour.  I also could not figure out why my face was flaring up again.  I was so frustrated.  It then dawned on me....there were two foods that I was eating that I don't normally eat on a regular basis but for the past week I was eating them everyday:  Avocados and Ghee.  

Days 18-20

What you say?  No more Apple Cider Vinegar Avocado Dressing?

Are you kidding me?  Oh.  Is that why these darn red aliens are back on my face?

Okay.  Okay.  What the hell.  Just take everything away that tastes good.  I'll just keep smiling.  Oooh...wow my hair is in a good place. I actually combed it for these photos.  Cool.  Definitely worth smiling about.  Thanks Carrisa:)

Not gonna lie.  I am really craving and extremely frustrated. The funny thing is the foods I am craving are not even junk food anymore.  In fact if I was following a normal Whole 30 I could actually eat the foods I am craving.  If I go into a grocery store now my anxiety level has reduced by 90%.  I used to get very overwhelmed in the grocery store.  I hated it.  I have to always have a list to keep me focused or else the choices would overwhelm me.  Now when I walk into a grocery store all I do is stick to the perimeters where most of the real whole foods are.  What I haven't picked up at the local farmer's market I finish up at the store.  When I do go down the middle aisles now I literally feel assaulted by all of the crap and choices.  Seriously.  Its ridiculous.  No wonder there are so many versions of dis-ordered eating out there.  And EVERYTHING has some form of sugar in it.  I had to quickly grab my organic olive oil and get back to the perimeter where it felt safe.  Fewer choices mean less anxiety.  These past couple of days have been tough physically.  I want to rest but it seems there is just never enough time.  I sure hope the tiredness passes on soon.  I  am tired of feeling tired.

"A way to tell the difference between actual hunger and a craving is to ask yourself if you are hungry enough to eat a fish and vegetable dinner.  If the dinner does not sound appealing to you then you are not hungry it is a craving."  -Whole 30

Days 21-30

I will check back in when after I reach the 30 day mark.  My focus for the next 10 days is to continue to listen to my body signals of what it can and can't tolerate.  I am also paying attention to the deeper issues that are surfacing for me to see now that I don't have certain foods to distract me or hide behind.   I am also going to focus on showing up for myself in regards to exercise and not just yoga.  I know in order to have energy I need to do my part to assist in creating it.  That means not only working on strengthening my pranic and physical bodies, but also increase my cardio.  It is important for me to make lifestyle shifts along with these eating shifts.  

These shifts include:

1.  Getting enough sleep

2.  Making time to be out in nature

3.  Connecting to others more

4.  Making time for play

5.  Knowing when to much is just to much.  

Right now my body can't do it all and that is okay.

So that is it.  I have more revelations to share in my next blog post regarding "letting go"and its not about letting go of almond butter!  I will be ending my Whole 30 in ten days and the next day I will be flying out to NYC.  It will really awesome to celebrate by being able to attend 5 Rhythms Movement classes.  My husband will be playing with the artist he is touring with for one night at B.B. Kings in the city and we will be celebrating a big mile stone birthday of his.  I started this Whole 30 on the new moon of June 27th so I would reach 30 days on July 26th right before I leave.  I will still be maintaining this way of eating even after 30 days.  It really is life changing.  30 Days is really just the beginning.  It is an adjustment phase.

Thank you for you continued support!

Links:

 Why NSAIDS are hard on the stomach and cause intestinal disorders


Read about the benefits of tumeric as an alternative to NSAIDS for body/joint pain, inflammation, and arthritis:
http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2011/04/26/the-spice-that-actually-doubles-as-a-powerful-antiinflammatory.aspx

 Additional Tumeric/Curcumin Benefits

Relax Wraps For Neck and Shoulders And More

Essential Oil Protocol For Menstrual Cramps and More

Listening To My Body And Releasing The Guilt: My Journey From Veganism To "Meat As Medicine."

It took many years and a few well meaning women professional healer friends to assist me in understanding that meat is a form of medicine.....  




It took about 5 years to get myself to a "no meat" lifestyle.  I started down the no meat path in 1996.  Basically there was life before the infamous Oprah "Mad Cow Disease" episode that aired in 1996 and life after.  Like many others that day who watched that episode I stopped eating red meat.  I mean I stopped that very day.  I couldn't do it.  Not after what I saw.  I stopped eating red meat but soon picked up chicken.  Honestly I had never eaten a piece of chicken that wasn't battered and fried before that time.  So for a couple years after that fateful Oprah show I found  myself consuming vast amounts of chicken.  At some point I started working out with a trainer at a gym who also made dietary suggestions to me.  I ate four meals a day each one consisting of chicken.  I cannot say exactly when it was that I decided to eliminate all meat I just know it was sometime around 2000-2001. It might have been when I allowed myself to stop being in denial about what happens to the chickens. I know by that time I was deep into Conversations With God by Neil Donald Walsh, A Course In Miracles by Inner Peace Foundation and the book that started my spiritual journey and awakened the first light codes within me, The Celestine Prophesy, by James Redfield.

The more I walked forward on my path of spirituality the less meat I wanted to consume.  After September 2001 I moved from New York City to Los Angeles, CA.  There is something in the air out in that place (besides smog).  Something intangible and electrifying.  It pulsates with a liquid creativity that when you stand in just the right place it flows right into you.  That area makes one want to turn back the clock by 10 years in regards to age.   For me it stripped me of any desire to consume meat that I may have had left in me.  It may not connect that way for everyone who goes out there, but, for me it was transformative.

Within weeks of moving out there I eliminated all meat and dairy from my diet. One of the first events I remember attending was an "Stop Animal Cruelty Festival" complete with vegan food vendors, booths about teaching compassion, streaming video of what happens in slaughterhouses, and Sophie B. Hawkins screaming on stage about someone leaving their dog in the car.  Now that is either irony or stupidity.  It was well over 100 degrees that day in October. NEVER LEAVE YOUR DOG IN THE CAR IN EXTREME TEMPERATURE'S!

My diet during that time of my life consisted of lots of veggie burgers, lots and lots of Boca Burgers and a plethora of other meat substitute items.  I mean really.....I did not want meat......but I still had an innate craving for it somewhere in me.  I wore vegan shoes, t-shirts that said "vegan", and I know I was adopting that attitude that seems to naturally develop when having to stand ones ground and make it be known, I DON"T EAT MEAT!

Oh Boca..Boca...Boca...

I fluctuated between a vegetarian and vegan lifestyle up until I went into recovery which would be around 2006.  I remember one day something inside of me suddenly craved a red meat burger.  I mean REALLY craved it.  It was strange and confusing but the feeling would not be ignored.  I remember feeling weak and low in energy around that time also.  I went to the local natural foods market and purchased some grass fed meat, took it home, George Forman'd it, and literally cried while taking that first bite.  As soon as I chewed it I remembered the taste of red meat as if no time had passed between 1996 and 2006.  I took another bite and then another until it was all gone.  I kid you not it was only a matter of minutes before it was like somebody pushed a red button that said "start" on my back. My energy level shot through the roof.  I went to work that night as the energizer bunny.

 I did not last long eating meat.  I ate it for a few months and then one day I just didn't want it anymore.  I was done.  So that was it.  My life shifted dramatically from 2006 on.  I got married, re-discovered Kundalini Yoga, got certified as a KY instructor, and assisted in opening up a Kundalini Yoga studio.  I never thought I would teach yoga or be considered a "yogi",but, before I knew it there I was immersed in a whole new spiritual world.  Now I really couldn't eat meat.  I was a yogi!  I had to follow the eight limbs of yoga.

The Eight Limbs Of Yoga are guidelines to live a meaningful and purposeful life.  The first limb of the eight limbs of yoga is referred to as Yama.  Yamas are universal practices that relate best to what we know as the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have done unto you."  The very first of the five yamas is Ahimsa: non-violence.  So there was really no way I was going to eat meat.  Plus now I was surrounded by all these "in the know" raw foodists and vegans.  I got to hear about the amazing powers of this super food and that one. I was intrigued at how this one type of seed could make me produce super powered excretions and that super powder could make my adrenals and libido soar to the moon.  I went on a raw food eating binge.  I bought the books and tried to figure out how the hell I was going to find the time to actually prepare these elaborate prana packed super foods.  I followed as close as I could to the yogic food recommendations given by Yogi Bhajan.  I listened closely to the physical and spiritual benefits of eating a yogic diet all through my teacher training.  Again it was becoming deeply ingrained in me that the only way I could be truly spiritual, heart centered, and ascend  is if I did not consume meat.

All the while I was going gung ho into this new yogic lifestyle my health was not good.  If you were to look at photos of me from times I was at Kundalini Yoga gatherings such as Summer Solstice or White Tantra my skin lacked glow. It was just plain dull. Their is a darkness to my eyes.  I am not putting myself down.  I am just acknowledging truth.  What is interesting is that at these yogic events the main foods that are served are beans, rice, and potatoes.  I was consuming a lot of beans and rice and potatoes.  Not only at yogic events but at home also.  I loved beans and rice.  I even went on a mung beans and rice fast for 30 days because it was said it was the "food of the Gods".  I read somewhere that  a person could live off of mung beans and rice for their whole life and be healthy. We ate alot of it at my teacher training out in New Mexico.  I believe some version  of beans and rice was available at mealtime every day. Looking back at photos of me at my training my skin was the same dull color plus I had a horrible break out on my face the whole time.  I remember the day that two Ayurveda practitioners came to speak at one of my classes. I went up to them after and asked them for suggestions about my break outs during training. I believe their advice was just for me to stop drinking yogi tea.  No one said put down the beans and rice.

I began this blog sharing about how it took several women to be truthful and bold with me about eating meat.  One beautiful healer friend took the time to really talk with me about how eating meat is part of  experience of being human for me in this lifetime. She helped me understand that it was okay to allow myself to eat meat in a human body.  It is sometimes a form of medicine.  The key is to do it with honor and reverence.  She is a wise shaman.  I was laying on her massage table receiving a healing session from her while she was sharing this with me.  I'll never forget her also saying that if she had a steak in her refrigerator she would go in there and cook it medium rare for me to eat right then. That is how much she was in tune with my body needing medicine in the form of meat.  It took another girl to share with me that she went from strict veganism to having to eat a paleo/primal diet because she was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and could no longer eat gluten and several other triggering foods.  She said after she started eating meat she felt stronger and more balanced.  When healer friends of hers looked at her auric field after she had added meat back into her diet they told her it had actually become stronger.  Both of these women really helped me.

I want to say I am eating an paleo autoimmune elimination diet and that is the answer to everything.  I can say that as I cannot be that rigid. I have to listen to my body.  I know tomorrow I may wake up and not want to eat meat.  I doubt that will happen  because for now it is assisting me.  I just have to stay flexible and not attached.  Practicing yoga has given me the ability to do this.  It has given me back to  my body. I listen to my body  through feelings, sensations, and intuition. I do not listen to guilt or shame or what the latest fad diet or scientific study says.  I don't follow what any spiritual path says or what religious dogma states.  I listen to my body and what it needs to heal and to become balanced.  Meat is a medicine and I respect and honor it and treat it as such.

It was just a month or so ago that I was at work barely able to walk up and down stairs.  I would hear messages in my head that said, "My body is attacking me."  No.  I wasn't going crazy...well...perhaps a bit considering the foods that I was eating.  My face had sores all over it and I couldn't stop picking at them.  I would walk around with my pockets full of tissues stained with blood that I had used to wipe off my face with.  I was so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  I knew what was going on had to do with my gut.  I knew something had to be done.  Every time I ate certain foods my face would break out into sores.

  I dove into reading about the gut/brain axis, the gut and psychology, autoimmune paleo, fermented foods, gluten, grains, legumes, dairy. After reading all the scientific evidence about the effects of gluten, legumes, wheat and dairy on the digestive system it hit me like a thunder bolt.  I looked back at all those photos of me at the yoga events. I looked at photos of me at all the periods of time I was a vegetarian.  Most of them show me as very sick looking.  It made perfect sense to me that my digestive system was out of balance.  My stomach lining was compromised and my gut flora was imbalanced. I don't know how long my body has been in this state.  All I know is the grains and super foods I was eating out of care and concern for other living beings were not showing care and concern for me.  If you really have a care to see visuals of what my face looked like and why I have stopped eating the above you can check out this post: http://recoveryrising.blogspot.com/2014/07/a-photo-journey-first-10-days-proof.html

I will be honest when I say I do not 100% agree with the fact that I have to take another living species life in order to re balance mine.  I suppose I can be thankful I feel like that because that means I have a conscious.  I will say with conviction that I pray and practice reiki over every piece of meat I do eat.  I only buy and eat 100% grass fed and finished.  I do my best to buy from local farms where the animals were able to be in pasture. It is not always possible for me to purchase from the farms.  When I can't do it that way I at least buy pastured or 100% grass fed beef from the natural food stores. I use the same level of consciousness when I purchase turkey, fish, or bison. I will only eat meat if I cook it or I take it somewhere to be cooked. If I know for sure where the meat was sourced from at a restaurant I will order it.  These are ways I have been able to have peace within me and honor the soul and medicine of the animal.  I could not do it any other way.

There are so many eating lifestyles out there now.  It is as diverse and sometimes as full of dogma as religion.  In fact it has gotten to a point where eating lifestyles have turned into religions.  It seems tensions rise and verbal arguments break out between people from different eating lifestyles just the same as two religious sects trying to prove their way to God is the only way.

During my time as a yoga instructor I have witnessed the internal struggle of students in regards to the topic of food-particularly eating meat.  Especially people new to yoga who start experiencing the wonderful benefits of showing up to class, maintaining a daily practice, and making connections within the community.  The struggle I have seen and heard is, "I still eat meat, I feel bad, I know I practice yoga which means I shouldn't eat it."  I have had students approach me after class and verbally process on me for 20 minutes and everything that they needed to work out within them simply boiled down, "To eat meat or not to eat meat."

So I am finishing this blog by saying this.  The body that is literally the vehicle for our soul to experience life on this planet is highly intelligent.  It has its own consciousness.  It knows what it needs to maintain a balance.  It knows what foods actually disturb it and knock it out of balance.  I it knows what foods it needs to bring it back into balance.  The only thing it needs is for the person who is inhabiting it to pay attention.  There will always be a new scientific study released saying something is beneficial and something is bad.  Then there will be another one a decade later proving that  previous study was wrong.

 Some people were born to experience life as a vegetarian or a vegan.  Others were born to know what it like to exist taking in meat.  Some people have been born to only eat fish and plant life and still others just want to eat fruit as a source of energy.  Whether we choose to eat our food cooked or consume it raw the fact of the matter is there is no ONE right way to good and balanced health and well being.  If a certain food feels right to eat for a time being listen to that.  Do not live your life based on what others may think.  They are not living in your body.  They do not have your body chemistry.   It is beautiful to have values to live by and ideals to strive to live up to, but, living a balanced life means having to find...the balance.  Having to be flexible.  Having to let go.  Wow.  Sounds like practicing yoga.

So I may not be able to call myself a "yogi" rather I am one who teaches yoga.  I may end up lifting my fork to my mouth one day and getting the message that its time to put the meat down.  Everything changes. Its called non-attachment. The thing I am most grateful about going on the journey of not eating meat to eating meat is that now I have tolerance and understanding for all paths of eating styles.  Just as I respect others choices for how they choose to eat all I ask is the same in return.

Here is to finding balance in all ways...........

Eating doesn't have to be stressful.  Go within and listen.


Thy Food is Thy Medicine!

A Photo Journey: The First 10 Days. Proof that Food Heals The Body and Emotions. Its Written On My Face....

 "It is not hard.  Don't you dare tell us this is hard.  Beating cancer is hard.  Birthing a baby is hard.  Losing a parent is hard.  Drinking your coffee black.  Is.  Not.  Hard.  You have done harder things than this, and you have no excuse not to complete the program as written.  It is only thirty days, and it is for the most important health cause on earth-the only physical body you will ever have in this life time."-Whole 30 Program Rules

I have the above quote on my refrigerator along with several other Whole 30 PDF information sheets to keep me motivated.  I literally read that quote every time I go to the refrigerator.  Sometimes it pumps me up and other times I want to throw a fist into the paper.  A reoccurring thought that does come up when I read that is, "Have these people ever been addicts?" "Have these people ever experienced an eating disorder or dis-ordered eating?" Damn straight it is hard to break a food dependency.  I've broken a drug dependency easier than food.  No.  I have never birthed a child but I have read several comments from women who have that have shared that giving birth was in fact easier than going 30 days with eating just whole foods and giving up those emotionally soothing foods.

I embarked on this Whole 30 not to lose weight or to do another body cleanse.  I did it because I need the extra discipline and motivation to keep me from eating the foods that I love but that are harming my body and feeding pathogens that are stripping me of my well-being.  I am also doing this to allow myself to get to another level of my healing process.  I know I have a deep connection to food as source of safety and comfort and companionship.  I also know this is connected to deep unresolved abandonment issues.  I have already touched on this pain within the first few days of eliminating certain foods and trying to break certain routines that are connected to food and soothing this pain.  I have known this pain has been within and have been slowly healing it.  I believe because I have been present to that pain is why this time I am feeling the emotional dependence so much deeper.  Which is good.  I need too.  Yet it is truly painful.

I did not have the energy or focus to start writing when I began on Day One.  I don't generally like to blog about something I am going through in real time as I feel it is important to honor my process.  I am however going to start sharing highlights of my day to day journal which will include awareness's, insights, and information pertaining to gut health and its effects on the brain and depression, emotional trauma and food issues, good food choices to support a recovery program, and of course self-love.

Days 1-10:

You will see below in the photos the outward manifestation of what is going on in my gut and why I had to do this.  Nothing else was getting through to me.  After years of taking NSAIDS (anti-inflammatory over the counter pills such as Excedrine, Advil, Etc) my stomach lining wore away leaving my body unprotected from toxins, food particles, and other pathogens that normally stay in the gut.  They are now running free in my blood stream. This is called intestinal permeability or "leaky gut."   I have also been dealing with an imbalance in my gut flora AKA candida albicans which also has an affect on gut health and body inflammation.  Intestinal permeability (leaky gut) and candida albicans are body imbalances that feed off of each other.  Both create systemic inflammation in the body.  If one is present it can create the other.  Both can contribute to joint and muscle pain, skin outbreaks, emotional imbalances including depression, uncontrollable urges to eat sugar and carbs, IBS, head aches, and a whole host of other symptoms.

I have known about these issues and I had tended to the candida issue last fall but did not stick to it.  It is something that takes a minimum of three months sometimes up to a year or two to heal from.  I gave it just shy of three months and did the old " I am feeling better" routine and fell off of my program.  Eventually my symptoms came back.  I will explain more about candida albicans in a later blog post as I feel it is important for everybody to be aware of- especially people recovering from drugs, food, and alcohol addictions.

I believe my body finally had enough of me not listening to it.  I know it wants some relief from all of the invaders within it.  It would send me signals here and there via food intolerance's, achiness, feelings in my stomach, mood swings, headaches, loss of energy.  It started out gentle in its messages but in the end it spoke loud and clear on my face.

I have always had issues with break outs on my face.  As far back as I can remember in my early 20's I have dealt with break out after break out.  It has always been a part of my life.  I have gone to dermatologists and have been prescribed painful topical medications, I have contributed to my candida outbreak by taking birth control pills filled with anti-biotics, I have had painful glycolic peels done in which I would joke that I was "going to get my face burned off today."  Interesting thing is that nothing ever helped except the birth control with the antibiotics.  Not one dermatologist ever suggested to tend to my eating.  Not one mentioned "gut health" or "gut flora balance."  Not one.

So here is a photo of me taken on day one.  I have no make up on and there are no filters on the photos.  This is now what happens to my face if I eat anything that may irritate my gut.  I will go into all of that in a later blog post.  I wanted to show this because I have no other choice but to listen to my body.  This is why I chose to do this Whole 30 program.  I don't believe my life will change or my skin will completely heal in 30 days.  I am a realist.  I am doing this for education and for supportive tools to help me make these lifestyle changes I need too because I can't do this alone.  It is overwhelming emotionally and physically.

Day 0

Day 0
Words cannot describe how tired I feel here and will continue to feel for the next few days.  Between Day one and four I will discover just how much food has been a de-stressor for me when I get home from work.  I will feel the utter frustration and grief of not being able to "reach out."  I will feel on a whole new level how connected my feelings of abandonment are to food.  I will also dis-cover how my brain has been truly stuck in high beta fight or flight levels and I did not even realize it until I took away my de-stressing food.  I will share more about the neurofeedback sessions this led me to finally do.

I took these photos the night before I committed to starting the Whole 30 program.  I believe I feasted on plenty of chips this day.  Chips are a huge love of mine emotionally...physically not so much:(

Day 4

Going through mornings of waking up with blood sugar imbalances-not fun.  Also having to eat something every couple hours because of blood sugar crashes.  Luckily I have been through this adjustment phase before and knew not to keep any food in the house that would give me an excuse to go crazy eating because of a "blood sugar crash."  I didn't even try to look for my husbands secret stash.  This time I had plenty of fresh cut veggies and avocado dressing to snack on while I would fix my breakfast and deal with the uncomfortable nature of the blood sugar imbalance.  Also bone broth that i am eating to help rebuild my stomach lining is helpful also to get blood sugar rebalanced.  The body at this point is freaking out looking for sugar to burn and the candida is flipping out looking for food which is sugar.  I want my body back for me!

Day 4

Day 4

I tried my best to stand in the same place with the same lighting and of course no filters on the photo!

Day 6
Did I mention that while I was going these initial days I was working in a restaurant. It is one of the many hats I wear:)  I spent the first three days surrounded by everything I could not consume.  So not only could I not eat wheat, grains, sugar, and just about everything else except veggies and meat and sweet potatoes I had to serve all the foods I could not eat.  That means my mind was going through its Rolodex of excuses when my blood sugar would be getting wonky.  "Just eat those home ade chips.  A blueberry pancake would help me feel so much better.  Just drink a coke it will give you the energy to make it through the shift.  You can start again tomorrow."  I pack my lunch everyday.  No flippin excuses.

Day 6
Not much smiling going on this day!

Day 6
I am feeling a bit more calm.  Blood sugar is leveling out.  Body is adjusting to burning fat and not sugar.  Neurofeedback sessions seem to helping my brain to remain calm.  I just had no clue the way my brain was operating was not normal.  I am still pretty irritated at this point but emotionally I am stable.  This is about the time I had my realizations about how my snacking is more about "hiding".   Instead of reaching out to connect and talk with someone I choose to snack.  Why?  It is non-threatening.  It is safe.  My chips won't abandon me. Plus sometimes I just don't want to be around people.  I am an introvert.  Snacking in this way keeps me in the familiar limbo place of dis-empowerment.  If I stay in the struggle between eating what is emotionally healthy and supportive of my body and eating what harms me I don't have to take responsibility.  The yo-yo place is familiar.  Its a emotional struggle but its familiar and safe.

This is the result of six days of not eating gut irritating foods including ALL grains including pseudo grains such as quinoa, millet, amaranth.  I am not eating legumes/beans.  I have also eliminated ALL sugars (I have an extensive list of all the names of different forms of sugars to look out for....its exhausting just looking at it.)  I am also not eating any nightshades including white potatoes and tomatoes and of course NO dairy products and because I am also tending to this candida imbalance I have to eliminate fruit also...except occasional green apples in a juice.

Why would I subject myself to such torture?  A picture is worth a thousand words.  See above.  

All healing begins within.   

No.  This will not be a forever diet.  It is a way of eating that will assist my body in healing so perhaps one day it can tolerate the foods I so enjoy.  It is also a way of eating that will assist me in healing the emotional ties and dependence I have on certain foods.  It is also a way for me to learn more about the connection between the gut and the brain.

I can stay where I am in frustration and misery.  I can pop a pill to cover it up or I can bitch up about it for years.  I am choosing to address it from the inside-out.

  

Day 10  Still Tired
This is where I revisit my main reasons why I even chose to do this besides the obvious I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE I HAVE CHICKEN POX ON MY FACE!
1.  I choose to know what vibrant health feels like
2. I choose to continue to heal this abandonment issue and the part food plays in it
3. I am sick and tired of feeling like my body is attacking me from the inside out (leaky gut)
4.  I choose to build strength in my body through new ways of strength training
5.  I choose to know what life is like feeling energized
6.  I choose to be emotionally balanced through balancing my blood sugar levels
7.  I choose to have the least amount of headaches as possible
8.  I choose to tend to my recovery program by addressing the foods and drinks that could contribute to relapse
9.  I choose to learn how to fix whole food dishes and to make life supporting food choices
10.  I choose tp practice dis-ease prevention by learning how to eat properly
11.  I choose to not be a food source for candida and claim sovereignty over my body

Day 10

Day 10

What is the Whole30?

From the Whole 30 Website

Established by Dallas and Melissa Hartwig (of Whole9) in April 2009, the Whole30® is our original nutritional program designed to change your life in 30 days. Think of it as a short-term nutritional reset, designed to help you put an end to unhealthy cravings and habits, restore a healthy metabolism, heal your digestive tract, and balance your immune system.

Certain food groups (like sugar, grains, dairy and legumes) could be having a negative impact on your health and fitness without you even realizing it. Are your energy levels inconsistent or non-existent? Do you have aches and pains that can’t be explained by over-use or injury? Are you having a hard time losing weight no matter how hard you try? Do you have some sort of condition (like skin issues, digestive ailments, seasonal allergies or fertility issues) that medication hasn’t helped? These symptoms may be directly related to the foods you eat—even the “healthy” stuff.

So how do you know if (and how) these foods are affecting you? Strip them from your diet completely. Cut out all the psychologically unhealthy, hormone-unbalancing, gut-disrupting, inflammatory food groups for a full 30 days. Let your body heal and recover from whatever effects those foods may be causing. Push the “reset” button with your metabolism, systemic inflammation, and the downstream effects of the food choices you’ve been making. Learn once and for all how the foods you’ve been eating are actually affecting your day to day life, and your long term health.

- See more at: http://whole30.com/step-one/#sthash.tKt84N31.dpuf

It is a very simple and direct program that provides an abundance of online information, support, recipes, and the right amount of hard love and discipline that is needed to embark on a journey of shifting ones diet.  It is closest to the "paleo" way of eating but you can also follow it if you are vegetarian/vegan or following an autoimmune protocol such as myself.  It is best if you purchase and read the book,  It Starts With Food by Dallas and Melissa Hartwig.  Alot of what is in the book can also be found on the Whole 30 website but to really jump into the scientific reasons behind why grains, gluten, sugars, dairy, and other certain foods contribute to a host of dis-eases, pains, inflammation, allergies, intolerance's, and hormonal/emotional imbalances that most doctors are quick to prescribe pills for.  This book is simple and to the point.  The Whole 30 program invites you to follow their way of eating for 30 days.  It is to change the way you think about food, change your habits and cravings, change your tastes, and quite possibly change the emotional relationship you have with food and your body.  

Yes you eat food.  Plenty of it.  Meat, seafood, eggs, vegetables, some fruit, and PLENTY of good fats from oils, nuts, and seeds.  Unless you are me and cannot eat nuts, seeds or eggs right now:)

No you cannot eat junk food.  The point of eliminating junk food and all sodas is to regain a healthy metabolism, reduce systemic inflammation, and help you discover how these foods truly impact your health, fitness, and quality of life.  This means no junk.  No sugar of any kind. No sugar substitutes. No sugar alcohols.  No paleo-fying foods or making gluten free versions of your old comfort foods.  NO PANCAKES, cupcakes, donuts, bread, pastas, and just about everything that right now you would probably rather die than give up eating.  

If you sign up for the daily e-mails it is most helpful as they know pretty much what you will feel like on each day.  Thousands of people have gone through this and they have compiled results.  Each e-mail provides support, educational tools about eating, recipes, and organizing and planning meals.  How to navigate restaurants and workplaces.  How to deal with family and social outings and some good old fashioned no-nonsense discipline.

www.whole30.com

Just as I was finishing this post up my husband came home from being gone all weekend and said, "I know you may not feel it but I can definitely tell a difference in your skin and you have a glow."  Yay Day 10!

Onto Day 11 and a many new discoveries I will be sharing about on this journey.  

Thank you for your support!