The Messy Raw Truth About "Living A Life Authentic." The side they don't show in those photo quotes!

I am really needing to get back to blogging because spirit is downloading but I am not letting it pass through.  Words and thoughts are getting stuck in my bones and cells and although some of them are being journaled out privately, safely, and tenderly for my healing sake other words are asking to be shared.

On my way to work today I felt as if I was going to burst at the seams of my body unless I put these words down.  This topic wanted to be shared and that's the only way I can explain it.  

I couldn't get the images of Facebook memes out of my head.  Those photos of care free empowering images of women with arms wide open to the sky, or falling peacefully off a cliff, or frolicking at a beach just to name a few.  The quotes that adorn the photos are meant to inspire one to be weird, live authentically, let go without anyone even knowing, follow your souls truth and on and on.  Blah Blah. Some of them are lovely. They are gentle reminders and speak to those parts of us that do need to remember.   I feel they are similar to  rom-com movies where the guy and girl get together in the end and ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after.  The idea is sweet and inspiring in the moment, but, these memes don't show the after effects and birthing process of "letting go" and "peeling back the layers of the authentic self". Just like those movies don't show what happens about a month or two after the couple rides off into the sunset. 

Yeah...not quite feeling the frolic right now.

Let me just say though the journey to uncovering the authentic self and following inner truth is just flipping MESSY! Seriously messy. Emotionally, physically, spiritually MESSY! In that journey to un-become so you can be who you are meant to become, whatever that is, upheaval happens. Fears are faced and danced with. People get hurt. People you love get hurt. It is selfish on the surface, but, in the deep layers there is a truth. A truth only you, your soul, and God understand. 

There is confusion. 

Alot of confusion. 

The journey of following ones truth has shown me quickly who my friends are. It has revealed to me that some people can not handle someone living their truth especially if it mirrors back to them what they are not ready to deal with. In my un-becoming I have been shocked at who has ended up being part of  my support system and who has not. It is true what another meme has said, you really do find out who your friends are when the shit hits the fan in your life. When dropping the layers of the false self its fascinating how those that no longer vibrate with you ease fully drop away and those who resonate with the emerging self beautifully appear. 

The unknown is scary. It really is. I'm not one to sugar coat things. My meme would NOT have me frolicking on the beach right now. Mine would be in the woods, covered in dirt, hair tangled everywhere, on my knees connected to mother earth praying. 

Raw. 

Surrendered. 

Maybe a tear or two or three or a hundred would be streaming down. 

Screaming. 

And screaming some more because that is how this beginning journey feels right now. Facing my fears, sacrificing the old self, birthing the new, trying to cause the least pain to others as possible while making choices that in the deepest parts of my body are right and true. Taking the journey to live a life authentic also means navigating the questions from the outside . Those well meaning people who care yet don't and will probably never understand why a souls journey must be made. Why living in integrity means making choices and doing things that don't make sense in a rational way.  It means causing pain to self and loved ones no matter how conscious the choices are being made.

Breaking out of the comfort zone means stepping out into faith. Finding new ground

Give me a break.......

Some days it can feel like there is no ground to walk on and leaps have to be made to find a stable rock to stand on. Some days it feels like I am walking upside down. Some days I don't want to leave the safe comfort of being on my knees asking Goddess to please guide my way.

No. The path to living out the calling of my soul at least in this beginning phase is not as pretty as a Facebook meme. The reality is I want to be alone and grieve. I want to console that part of me that is slowly being put to rest to allow the healed part of me to take charge. I want to grieve for the only life I have known and gather the courage to face what I must and rebirth myself from love not trauma. So I can love others more truthfully. Living a life authentic........ 

I blame it on the Kundalini Yoga:)

This about captures it!

I know that look all to well....

What Lies Beneath The Two Most Disempowering Words Of My Every Day Vocabulary….

It's Okay.


These two small words seem harmless.  After all they are just two words and they are generally positive.  So why would I call these two of the most dis empowering words of my personal vocabulary?  It is not necessarily the words themselves as it is the underlying motivation for their use.  If I think about it life is really lived day to day and moment by moment by not what is actually said but rather what is below the surface in the subtext.  For me personally I have come to a profound awareness of how much I devalue myself on a daily basis when I speak the words, "It's okay."

What do I mean by this? 

Sometimes it is natural and proper to answer someone with, "it's okay."  It is a harmless phrase for most intents and purposes.  When I find it harmful and dis empowering is when I use it as a way to excuse away someones lack of respect for me.

I did not make this connection until about a week ago when I was working on a trauma timeline assignment upon recommendation of my therapist.  It was an intense project to work on and not for the faint of heart to have to look at.  As I was looking at the patterns of experiences that happened to me over the past 30 some years I could literally feel myself  shrinking inside.  In fact that is exactly what happened to me over the first 30 years of my life.  I shrunk.  My true-inner- child-magical- self literally curled up in a ball within to hide away from a world of pain that was to much to bear.  A false self was created.  Walls were constructed around her. The magic was buried.  The child went into hiding from a cruel world she felt did not care for her. 

 As I was reading this time line I felt my insides shrink.  I felt my shoulders slump even more.  I was reminded again of that part of me that does not feel worthy of existence. There is still a part of me that does not believe in my inherent value as a human being.   That little girl within is still holding tight to the past. That belief that she does not matter. Apparently even though I have done tremendous self-healing work in this area there is still more work to do to assist with shifting this belief.  It is a strong one in me!  My inner child still holds this perception that was created by a lifetime of experiences that kept reinforcing in her that she is not worthy.  It is no matter that the adult intellectual part of me understands I AM worthy and I have value.  It is not the conscious that runs my programming, it is my subconscious.  It is the patterns that were created when I was young.  As I wrote above life is really lived in the subtle.... in what lies beneath.

 For some reason going over that time line helped me realize one of the major ways I have still been reinforcing the belief that I don't matter and I am not worthy.  I do it by how I respond when people disrespect or take advantage of me.  One specific way I know I do this is when I let people take advantage of me is with my time.  Or if I pay for a service that I was not happy with and don't speak up about it.  Another way is women not returning my phone calls when I reach out to make a connection or reach out for support. 

 I know I call these people and situations into my life because they act as reinforcers of my personal belief system.  I have caught on that their are certain people that repeatedly make me wait far past my scheduled appointment times.  These people keep doing it because I let them.  I give them permission.  When they say, "I am sorry for making you wait"and I respond with slumped shoulders and an automatic, "Oh, it's okay" I am telling them how to treat me.  I am telling them to keep doing it to me.  Another way is when I reach out and call women to make a connection in my recovery program and do not get a return phone call.  When I confront them later and ask if they received my message I usually get an,"I am busy or I am not good at calling people back" response.  In which I respond with, "Oh, it's okay."

The thing is:  IT IS NOT OKAY!

Every time I say those words what I am really saying is:

 "Oh, no worries.  I don't want YOU to feel bad or awkward or anything strange.  Its okay.  I don't really matter anyway.  I am used to it.  Keep going ahead and doing it to me.  It is just who you are  and I accept it.  I know you are busy and important and have many other things to do and people to talk too. I totally accept being treated like that.  It doesn't matter because I know I don't matter.  Its just my reality.  I'm used to it.  Don't even worry about it."

That is really what i am saying when I say, "It's Okay."

The day after I made this realization I had the opportunity to experience the power of NOT speaking those two words.  I found myself at a gathering with other women that are part of a that recovery program I spoke of.  I happened to pass one of the women as she was leaving.  I wasn't going to say anything to her but something in me pushed me forward.  I simply asked her if she had gotten the voice mail I had left for her a week or so earlier asking her if we could meet for tea so I could get to know her better.  It took her a few moments until she responded with, "Oh yes. I am sorry.  I am bad at calling people back. Just ask so and so. I have been busy."  I could feel my automatic response wanting to burst out of my lips, but, instead I just stood there and listened.  I didn't say those two words.  I refused.  It was strange.  It felt strange in my body, but, I held my ground. Yes. I new she was a busy lady but....... so am I.  Before she departed I did compliment her on the pants she was wearing.   I then felt a surge of energy burst forth.  It felt strange and good.  I felt happy.  It was like my true self peeked out for just a few moments.  My inner child heard me not de-value her. It wasn't in what I said.  It was in what I didn't say that spoke the loudest to my inner child and let her know, she mattered!

What has also been a profound awareness is how much I have done certain things to other people that do not honor their value.  Yes.  I admit it.  I would be completely out of integrity if I wrote this post and did not take responsibility for doing some of the same things that hurt me to other people.  I am telling myself today, IT IS NOT OKAY to do that to others. It is part of the lesson I have to learn about values.  Every human deserves the right to know and understand they matter just by right of being born.  Every human being has a value because they were created by the divine.  If I want my inner child/my subconscious patterns to continue to shift I have to not only build that sense of worth in myself, but also  do things that help build it in others.  In a balanced way that is honoring both people.  This can be done by simple actions such as calling someone back, respecting someones time, or simply asking how someone is feeling. 

It is going to take some work for me to break out of that pattern of saying, "Its okay."  Now that I am aware of it I am seeing just how much I allow myself to say it.  It is hard not to be frustrated by it but I just keep reminding myself that it takes time to undo a belief pattern that has been a lifetime in the making.

It really is fascinating when I stop and think about just how much the truth does reside in the subtle. 

In the unspoken.

In the subconscious.

In the subtext.

"It's okay"   

Is it?  Really?

If you are reading this post think about some of your go to responses. The automatic ones that just burst out of your mouth.  You know the one.  The one that is a mask.  Notice today and tomorrow when you say those words or phrase.  Is it empowering or disempowering?  What are you really saying?   Go ahead. It's okay. When I say those two words this time I mean it!   

What lies beneath….. 

The Truth is What Will Set Us Free!

Depression: A Fight That Cannot Be Won But There Is Something That Can Be Done..

"There is no sun without shadow, and it is essential to know the night. -Albert Camus, "The Myth of Sisyphus"

"He who learns must suffer,
Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget,  falls drop by
drop upon the heart and in our own despair, against our will,
comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.  -Aeschylus, Agamemnon

"One heals suffering only by experiencing it to the full." -Marcel Proust

I am sitting at my desk on a snowy Monday morning here in Nashville, Tn.  Yes.  It is snowing here, finally!  It is peaceful outside as the last few flakes of this long awaited snow storm falls.  Some unfortunate humans have spent the morning chipping ice off their over sized metal tanks they call automobiles so they can make their daily commute into the daily grind. While others spent moments in conflict as to whether or not to use this fine day as an excuse to stay home.  And some did.  I was called off of work. The birds are chirping away outside and the squirrels are catching air from tree to tree.  The animal kingdom unfazed by the fresh blanket of white snow that has brought a hush to the neighborhood.  The squirrels play on.  The birds peck for bugs and worms in the frozen ground.  Nature in perfect harmony.

Meanwhile inside the pink room on Barksdale Harbor Dr……….

I am sitting in my office and thinking about the events of this past weekend and how once again I was reminded of how much:  DEPRESSION SUCKS!  I have not felt in harmony with nature or like running and skipping or chasing anyone from tree to tree.  No.  Not me.  Not for the past few days.

Depression.

I have had to deal with this on and off for most of my life.  I have been on anti-depressants and off of them.  I have explored every conceivable unhealed core issue there is in me.  I have researched the effects of my gut health in connection to my brain as a cause.  I have learned about how depression is a separation from universal love and a call from my soul.  I know certain substances I took in college really messed up my brain chemistry.  I know depression is a call to go inwards and see what needs to be tended to in life that is out of alignment.  I know its possibly frozen anger or unattended to grief.  I know it could be one or all of the above at once.

It doesn't make it any easier knowing any of the above are possibilities.  Sometimes it just plain sucks.

This weekend was bad.  Real bad.  It felt surreal.  I wish there was a word for what the state of being which is feeling 90% numb and disconnected from the world around me and 10% feeling a pit of sadness in the stomach from which I cannot fight because it will win.

I realize there are fortunate souls out there who have never experienced depression.  I am not talking about having an off day because someone or something has made me upset.  I am talking about
D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N.  Only those who have experienced real depression know the pain of what I speak.

This weekend was a reminder to myself about what to do when depression creeps up and takes a hold.  I actually did go back and read my own blog posts from a couple years ago and I must say they were great reminders. Dealing With Depression: Part One and Dealing With Depression: Part Two  The part I needed to be reminded about the most was to:

 LET MYSELF BE DEPRESSED. 

I was not doing that for the first half of Saturday.  I was fighting it.  Also, I was not only dealing with being depressed but I also was dealing with the inner conflict of feeling bad because I was depressed.  The shame of it.  Talk about a war within.

I spent a good part of Saturday morning at the library.  What a shocker  to find myself in the health and healing section reading books on "healing emotions".  I really didn't mean too.  Honestly.  I actually went in to pick up a copy of Wuthering Heights.  I found it and before I knew it I ended up in the self-help section.

Yes.  The self-help section.  I put myself on a self-imposed ban from that section but something led me over there.  I ended up glossing over all the book titles that just seemed to scream at me, "Pick me. Pick me.  I have the answer.  I'll solve your problem.  I'll take your pain away."  I was not in the mood for the latest "flash in the pan self-help guru" book.  No.  There was a reason I was drawn over there and I soon discovered it.  After ample browsing I ended up settling on two books from authors I have never heard of, but, whom laid out the exact down to earth information I needed to hear at that moment of my depression.  So I took them home.

The three things I was reminded of regarding why my depression cycle happened:

1.  I still have unresolved grief

2.  Triggers set off by unresolved trauma from childhood

3.  Eating food I shouldn't causing depression via a serotonin/flora imbalance in my gut

My friend who is going through a cycle of depression herself texted me and shared something really helpful.  It also was in alignment with a chapter of a book I am reading.  This chapter talks about triggers and how to build a bridge between  unresolved inner child wounds from the past and the present reality of the adult in the present.

This is what my friend shared:

"In depression I am overly sensitive.  I just keep getting my feelings hurt.  I'll need to decide what is real and what is not when I am feeling better."

I totally got that.  For me, when I get triggered it is hard for me to know what is real and in the present moment and what is the perception of my wounded inner child taking me back to a pocket of time that holds unresolved pain.  The subconscious does not know linear time.  So if something triggers me and I have not healed that part of me I will be taken right back to the original pain and that age.  I will regress emotionally.  If I am to far into a depression it is hard for me to distinguish between what is the past (my wounded inner child perception) and what is reality (the adult perception of now).

As the depression lessens I can better distinguish:  "Am I feeling and seeing through the eyes of my wounded inner child (the past) or the eyes of an adult (the present)?"

I do know the best tool for me to use the other day was to: Let myself be depressed.  Once I consciously surrendered to the depression I then allowed myself to share with my husband that I was f'in depressed.  After that I  went upstairs and laid down with my cat and just allowed myself to stare at the wall and be depressed.  Believe it or not in the surrender I was then able to feel a sense of peace.  Not shame for being depressed..but peace.  I didn't try to apply any other tools.  I just surrendered for that day.

The next day I felt the same but was more of a willingness to do something.  I put some essential oils that are recommended for depression in my diffuser and applied them on my body.  I allowed myself to connect to my breath, turned on the music, and allowed my body to move.  I didn't force it.  I allowed it to express what it needed through dance and it didn't fail me. It certainly moved out some deep, stuck energy out through my dance.  I then went and attended a 12 step meeting, and after that went to a Kundalini Yoga class.

I never forced anything.  After I surrendered to allowing myself to be depressed something inside of me knew it was going to be alright….eventually.

There are so many possible reasons people experience depression.  No two people experience depression the same and no two people are going to deal with it exactly the same.  Someone may read this and think I am full of shit.  Which is fine.  This is my experience.  You will have a different one.  I can share tools that have worked for me and perhaps they may help others.  I don't know.  That is not for me to say.  What I do want say is this:  If anyone is suffering from depression right now just SURRENDER to it.  Please don't add anymore shame or inner conflict to your life.  Let it be.  You have to feel it if you want to heal it.   No matter how much you try to fight the reality of it you won't win.  Cultivate acceptance.  One breath at a time.  One day at a time.

I will end this blog with an excerpt from one of the two books that spoke to me this weekend:

Surrendering:  TO LET IT GO, YOU HAVE TO LET IT FLOW

Surrendering is an extension of befriending emotional energy.  It is about allowing emotional energy to flow to its end point.  Surrender is not about becoming passive and saying, "What the hell-I don't give a damn what happens anymore, so I'll just drink this quart of scotch and slobber in my sorrow."  It doesn't mean letting go of your senses or your awareness.  It means  being fully present to emotional energy and letting it pass through your body until it is gone.  A basic axiom of surrender is:  To let it go you have to let it flow.  You can't let go of a dark emotion until you have fully experienced its truth.

-Healing Through The Dark Emotions:  The Wisdom of grief, fear, and despair by Miriam Greenspan

Depression is a call from the soul to learn a deeper truth about self.  First we have to befriend it and listen.  Even if there is only numbness there still is a message.  It's up to you to find your personal way of receiving it.

I am going to go back to watching the squirrels now and enjoy the quiet snow.  There is such peace in the constant of nature.

Be kind to yourself.

Truly.

It will pass.  Nothing in nature stays the same.

32 Reasons Why Addiction is Both A Gift and A Curse

 32 Reasons Addiction is Both A Gift and a Curse

Addiction is a Curse:

1.  It is a curse because in active addiction one DOES NOT HAVE A CHOICE.

2.  It is a curse when you are taking a substance that you know is harming you and no matter how much destruction you know it is causing to your body you just cannot stop.

3.  It is a curse when loved ones have to bear witness to the self-centered, destructive, actions of some one in active addiction.

4.  It is a curse because it leads one to reach out to anything to help fill the emptiness within-the spiritual void.  It constantly has us looking for that person, place, or thing that will make everything all right and that will help us cope with daiy living and reality.

5.  It is a curse when one walks around in denial that they are in fact an addict.

6.  It is a curse when the disease of addiction  has someone convinced that just because they are still functioning in their job, earning an income, and have a roof over their head they could not possibly be considered an addict.

7.  It is a curse when using for fun on the weekends turns into having to use every day of the week.

8.  It is a curse when one thinks an addict is only someone who is a junkie living on the streets and not someone who is a mom that takes prescription painkillers everyday.

9.  It is a curse when a person does not want to reach out for help because they think it would be a sign of weakness or sickness in the eyes of society.

10.  It is a curse when the shame is to great to to ask for help.

11.  It is a curse when people around do not understand the nature of addiction and do not take the time to understand addiction is a symptom of deeper core issues that are both psychological and physiological in nature.

12.  It is a curse a person thinks addiction only applies to "drugs and alcohol."  (Alcohol is a drug)

13.  It is a curse when one has sought out a path of recovery and then chooses to go back out and use again.

14.  It is  a curse when you are in a recovery program and do not apply the simple suggestions laid out to maintain a solid path of recovery.

15.  It is a curse when one is clean but living dirty.  Putting down the substance or behavior does not equal recovery.

16.  It is a curse because the ultimate goal of the dis-ease of addiction is to take a person to their death.

Only an addict knows that throbbing sensation of every cell in their body screaming for just one more.  The addict knows the agony that is felt when every fiber of their being is pulsating with the need to satisfy the craving.   An addict knows the curse of obsessive thoughts that do stop until the compulsive actions kick in to do whatever needs to be done to feed the addiction.  The thoughts that just cry for one more hit over and over and over.  Whatever needs to be done to stop them..….

Addiction is a Gift:

1.  It is a gift if one understands addiction is a symptom of a deep emotional core issue(s) and/or physiological and energetic imbalances.

2.  It is a gift because it alerts people to the reality that something within is just not right.  Something needs to be paid attention too.  It provides an opportunity for the suffering addict to learn about themselves on a deep level and to heal deep emotional wounds, traumas, and core issues that otherwise would cause pain and heartache for the rest of ones life.

3.  It is a gift that leads people into support communities with others who understand how someone with the dis-ease of addiction thinks, functions, and, interacts with society.

4.  It is a gift because someone with the dis-ease of addiction can reach out and be there for another who is suffering.  An addict understands another addict in a way others may not.  There is a therapeutic value when one addict helps another.

5.  It is a gift because it creates an incredible sense of compassion for self and others and deep sense of humility.

6.  It is a gift because it teaches self-forgiveness and forgiveness towards others.

7.  It is a gift because having the dis-ease of addiction teaches us to live "just for today" and that every day without using is a day won.

8.  It is a gift because people who are addicts come to understand the power there is in "surrendering to win."

9.  It is a gift because it allows a bunch of self-centered, self-obsessed people learn how to put into practice spiritual principles and actions such as  humility, compassion, self-love, love for others, forgiveness, and selfless service.

10.  It is a gift because gratitude is learned and experienced at a deep level.

11.  It is a gift because when one realizes they have the dis-ease of addiction they can rest assured they are not defective or have a moral deficiency.  There is hope.

12.  It is a gift because it teaches us to believe there is something greater than ourselves that can assist us in life…..beginning with lifting the desire to use and/or act out in a destructive behavior.

13.  It is a gift because it leads one to better understand that feeling of emptiness within that they were trying to fill with drugs/alcohol, etc.

14. It is a gift because it brings awareness to the need to be honest with self and others.

15.  It is a gift because when one becomes aware they are an addict they can begin to move out of a life lived in fear.

16.  It is a gift because it can lead one to an spiritual awakening.



When I speak of addiction as a gift I am speaking of it when one has started down a path of recovery.  That is when addiction turns into a gift.  Until then it can feel like a curse.  If I am following the suggestions given to me that have assisted countless other addicts in staying clean and living a life based on spiritual principles on a day to day basis then addiction is a gift.  If I don't follow the simple time tested suggestions than addiction can quickly become a curse.

 There are different paths of recovery out there one can choose to walk down mine just happens to be the path of 12 steps.  I do struggle from time to time with being in a 12 step environment.  There are some things about it that I just don't resonate with, but, the benefits far outweigh the parts of it that bother me.  It has saved my life in many ways.  It provides the "handbook" on how to face ones self and the insanity that is created in ones life from active addiction.  It teaches an addict how to take responsibility for their past actions, understand who they are, become aware of their assets as well as defects, ask for defects to be removed, make amends to others as needed, and give back to society through selfless service work.

It ultimately teaches one how to grow up and be a responsible member of society living a life based on spiritual NOT RELIGIOUS principles.

Is addiction going to be a gift or a curse for me today?

I don't know.  It is all up to what I choose.

Today I have a choice and I thank recovery for that.


The above is a list largely based on my own personal experience and reflection.  I asked input from a couple other of addicts and added their "gifts of addiction" to the list.  I know that I could not possibly think of every gift  and curse there is because I am but one human.  If you can relate to anything shared above and have your own "gift  or curse of addiction" to share then I invite you to please post it  in the comment section below.  The world can not have to many blogs and articles out there written from the experience of actual recovering addicts.  

Please remember being qualified as an addict is not limited to using "illegal substances."  It includes any mind- altering, mood changing substance or behavior that you are not able to stop using or acting out on.  That is any substance or behavior that creates unmanagability and insanity in your life.

I am not bold enough to claim addiction can be cured.  I know there are tools and techniques for people out there to utilize to bring their physiological and energetic imbalances back into balance. There are plenty of therapeutic resources to assist with healing trauma and core issues.  I know there are steps to take on a daily basis to assist with keeping the dis-ease "arrested."  I do know from experience that on any given day no matter how many years I have gone without using, and how many times I have been in therapy, or how many 12 step meetings I have attended the desire to want to use can return.  That is why I stick with a program to keep me in check and I keep in touch with other recovering addicts to remind me of this.  I also remember to look at the gifts it has given me.

There is hope for a new life.  If you are someone who is suffering from this dis-ease or you know someone who may be in active addiction remember nobody has to go through it alone.  There is help out there.  Everywhere.  People who understand and do not shame.  People who know what it is like and can help guide you to a new way of life.  There are thousands of people right now just waiting to reach their hand out and pull you out of the darkness and into the light.

" Great Spirit.  Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.  The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  Just For Today."

In A NYC Dance Studio: I Sweat My Prayers, Danced With God, and Found Myself.

Dance till you shatter-Rumi


It has now been two years since my life as I had known it "shattered." I have been on a journey of piecing back together all parts of myself in a new way since October 22, 2011.  Recovering from emotional trauma takes a great deal of time, gentleness, patience, and a willingness to try different things to assist one in making sense of self and the world.  The journey that I have been on to recover the lost parts of myself over the past couple of years has taken me to therapists, treatment centers, various yoga sets, creative art classes, energy healers, chiropractors, natural healers, and of course this journey introduced me to the healing power of dance.  In particular, the movement as meditation, practice that is known as The 5 Rhythms.

 I discovered this practice while I was house sitting deep in the woods about 30 miles outside of Nashville.  I was grateful for the time I was given to be with me and the ability to be able to connect and rest in the womb of Mother Nature.  The time and space spent in nature allowed me to be with the confusion and pain that was permeating through my being at the time and assisted me with connecting to what I needed to do to heal me.

"Traveled The Good Red Road To The House"

  I remember one day I was sitting in the house drenched in sadness.  Intuitively  I knew I needed to start moving my body, but the regimented practice of the style of yoga I was practicing was not what it needed.  I needed something different.  I happened to get up from the couch I was on and go and google tthe 5 Rhythms.  I thought of the 5 Rhythms only because a year earlier a student came into the studio I taught at and was inquiring about possibly holding a 5 Rhythms Movement gathering there.  Due to the type of floors that were in the studio at the time she opted not too.  That meeting seemed to plant some kind of seed in me.  After that meeting with her I went home and looked up what the 5 Rhythms was about.  I remember  reading about the practice through the 5 Rhythms web site, but, at that time I just didn't get it.  I wasn't ready.

 A year later.

Deep in the woods.

 Nowhere to go.

 Looking through different eyes.

I  read the information on the website again. This time I seemed to be able to understand what the practice was about.  I remember watching a video of Gabrielle Roth, the creator of the 5 Rhythms, speaking about the purpose of the rhythms.  I had tears streaming down my face while listening to her and the call from my soul to get up and dance the rhythms was unlike anything I had felt before.  If I was going to get reacquainted with my body this was how I would start.  So I put on music and moved.

 I didn't really know what i was suppose to do.  I just watched the videos I could find on line,  looked up what I could about what each rhythm was about, and then I just danced.

That House In The Woods

My Dance Floor

 I danced in the rain.

 I danced around the fire pit.

I danced with the trees as my partners.

 I danced under the moon.

I danced in the mud.

Best of all I was dancing with myself.

 I was dancing back into my body.

Eventually I bought the book, Sweat Your Prayers by Gabrielle Roth.  Reading about the rhythms took me to a whole new understanding of the practice.  I learned about the disowned parts of myself.  Each of the rhythms actually have various archetypes connected to them and these archetypes represent different part of the self.  As soon as I read what archetypes were associated with each rhythm I immediately knew which parts of me needed to be reclaimed.  I knew one of those parts was my masculine/father energy.  I would own the rhythm of staccato:)

From that time in the woods until now I have continued to practice the rhythms.  There are no teachers in Nashville and no official groups that gather.  Last March by divine chance I happened to get an e-mail from someone that was advertising a 5 Rhythms Workshop coming to Nashville.  It happened to be only two days away.  What a miracle.  I attended and it gave me my first experience of really dancing the rhythms in a group.  It was powerful.  I was grateful.

 Nothing could prepare me for what I would experience with dancing the rhythms in a classroom in NYC just three months later.........


It amazes me that I have lived in New York City five different times since I was 18 and not one of those times did this movement practice come into my life.  It's strange to think I could have opened my apartment door and strolled just a few blocks to a studio and been part of a class every night.  Yet, back then I walked out my door  and strolled into the gym next door to work with a personal trainer and sweat in cardio- kick boxing classes.

"Machines don't call me.  I'm not a member of the gym.  The reality is I demand more from my workouts.-I want God.  When I dance I feel the presence of a divine force and this is my addiction.  Feeding it is as simple as putting on the right music and letting go.  Doing what I have come to call "the five rhythms" is the surest way to drop whatever you are carrying and to move beyond your baggage to a new you, a new body, one that is fueled by soul." -Gabrielle Roth, Sweat Your Prayers

So this past June I went back up to NYC.  The first time since my "shattering."  It was different.  I was different.  I had visited the city a couple times after moving away in 2001 but now everything within me had shifted.  I was now seeing the city through different eyes and taking in its energy through different senses than before.

On a grey, cloudy Sunday morning I had the pleasure of strolling by myself from my old neighborhood on the east side over to the West Village.  I stopped to sit in Union Square Park and did a bit of journaling.  That park has been a part of my life journey since I was a lost and lonely 18 year old from a small town in Pennsylvania trying to make sense of the living in a city. I ate many turkey sandwiches on the steps during my lunch breaks from classes at Lee Strasberg Theatre Institute, I have wandered the farmers market many times and delight in how it has grown since the early 2000's, and this park has welcomed me back to its benches every time I have returned to visit.   The buildings around the square have changed since 1994 but the benches, and the memories they hold, have remained the same.

 After visiting with my old park friendI left and  continued walking the streets, taking in the energy of the city, and honoring the memories of a time and a person I was long ago.

 I soon  found the dance studio that was hosting the class and stood outside.  I snapped a picture of a flyer on the studio door that was a 5 Rhythms advertisement.  The picture captured a reflection of a grand church that was behind me.  This  photo perfectly represented the experience that was going to come.  I was literally about to attend "church."

"The Church of Dance"

When I entered into the studio there was already a good group gathered.  The teacher had a pa system set up and already had music playing.  People started floating into the studio.  Everyone seemed to know what to do.  There was no instruction.  Just music and space.  I couldn't help but to notice right away a woman sitting on the floor against a pillar.  She looked primitive.  She was sitting with her feet flat on the floor, knees spread wide, eyes closed.  A slight grin of what seemed like ecstasy was spread across her face.  It literally looked like she was in the act of foreplay with some invisible force.  I was confused.  The cells within me that held old Puritan beliefs from my ancestors about the body and sexual expression must have caused me to roll my eyes and feel a discomfort within me at the site of her.  I wasn't expecting to feel like that.

There were people of all ages, shapes, sizes.  Men.  Women.  People with missing limbs.  All coming together to experience this movement practice.  To know themselves.  To know themselves in relation to others.  And to discover it all on the dance floor.

"Warming Up"

As I began to connect to the music and let the rhythm of flowing move through me the excitement of being there began to fade and was soon replaced with the experience of awkwardness in my body.  I couldn't let myself flow.  It was difficult for me to move.  It is never difficult for me to move.  My body was resisting.  I was self-conscious.  Nervous.  It hit me that I didn't know anybody.  I was an outsider.  I didn't know what was going on.  Part of me wanted to run.  I suddenly felt like I didn't belong.  What the hell was I doing here?  My core issues were coming forth.  The experience was beginning.  Shit. Shit. Fuck.

I remembered the passage from the book,  Sweat Your Prayers that had Gabrielle sharing about a woman who was dancing the rhythm of chaos.  This woman had a vision of herself as a little girl who couldn't have fun.  While dancing she tried to make herself have fun.  Gabrielle had said that was not a good idea.  Rather than imposing a feeling upon her dance, she should enter into the dance that she was avoiding, the dance of not having fun, and dance it fully, dance through until it changed.

"There are no good or bad or better or worse dance; there is only the dance itself."- Gabrielle Roth

So I did.  I danced the awkwardness.  I allowed myself to feel like a robot.  I closed my eyes and danced "uncomfortable and awkward and self-consciousness."  I allowed myself to feel the feelings of not mattering and not good enough.  I allowed all of it to guide my movement.  You know what?  Yep. It did shift.  Suddenly I was able to move and I allowed myself to move to a different area of the studio.

"Somewhere between Flowing and Staccato"

I remember how being in a group of strangers also brought forth the feelings of not mattering.  Many people seemed to know one another and I felt like an outsider.  When I found myself staying on the outskirts of the group I would  get myself to move towards the center and try to connect with someone to dance.  I could not connect.  I realized even in my dance the walls I had around me were there.  I was dancing staccato and I was getting mad.  I didn't want these walls.  I wanted to be able to move through them.  I wanted to be able to connect to people.

 I kept noticing one girl in particular.  Something about her rubbed me the wrong way.  I remember her blood red lipstick and raven black hair.  She reminded me of an 18 year version of myself when I first moved to this city.  When I would go near her I kept noticing she wouldn't look me in the eye.  I remember feeling really frustrated because I felt she was purposely avoiding me.  I did not feel this with anyone else just her.  It really pissed me off.  "What was wrong with me?" Time after time something about her really triggered me. What did she have against me?  So I decided to stay away from her.  Issues being played out on the dance floor.

"Chaos"

Then the rhythm of chaos came.  The collective energy of the group intensified.  Shit was getting real.  The layers people carried in with them had been shed through the rhythms of flowing and staccato.  A  sense of freedom to really move and let go was now fully present.  The magic was increasing and suddenly I was face to face with the raven black hair girl with the blood red lips in the dead center middle of the dance floor.  I like to believe the universe orchestrated that precise moment for the two of us to meet as part of our spiritual experience.

Alice Coopers, Schools Out, came on and the room erupted in screams.  Suddenly the room was full of 18 year olds.  Bodies jumping up and down, fist pumps in the air, as if we were connecting to the memories and feelings of the last day of high school. All of us expressing the excitement of not having to listen to teachers anymore or having to be trapped in the confines of a class room anymore.  Freedom was ours.

The freedom of the present moment was that of letting our spirits soar with the rhythms of the primal beats that were deepening as we all went into chaos.  This girl and I were now face to face and our eyes were locked.  In the middle of the chaos of bodies we threw a fit together.  Reflections of one another.  We did not know each other but something within us that we needed to see in one another brought us together.  Clearly something we were both wanting to avoid.  We threw a fit to Alice Cooper.  Jumping up and down, screaming,  hair flying, and  fists pumping.  When we had no more pent up teen age angst to release we both smiled at one another.  We had faced one another.  Each of us broke down a wall.  After that we didn't avoid one another.  We danced.

  God respects us
when we work but loves us
when we dance.
-Old Sufi saying


I finally could experience what I only read about in regards to chaos.  I went to the that place where the the soul takes over and partners with the rhythm of the music.  Out of the clutches of the mind the body and soul knew exactly what to do.  I was now part of a tribe and this tribe was sweating its prayers.  My body went into a tribal dance of some sorts and the observer in me stepped back to witness.  There was no effort. Sweat pouring down my face.  I was free.  It was a meditation.  A trance.  A freedom from the clutches of the mind.  It was a connection to spirit.  A connection to unlike anything I ever experienced sitting in a chair or on a hard wood pew of a church.  I felt the holy spirit.  I connected to shakti energy.  I felt the divine dancing with me.  I felt connected to every person in that room in a way I could not when I first entered the studio.  Nobody preached to me about how to find God or ways to act in order to connect to God.  I didn't have to go through a preacher.  I was connected.  In ecstasy.  I understood now possibly why the woman who sparked an uneasiness in me when I entered the studio was sitting there looking like she was making out with an invisible force.  I was now connected to the amazing creative second chakra energy that was permeating the studio. I felt like I was making out with an invisible divine energy.  I was simply allowing myself to not stop resisting the flow of the divine Kundalini energy.  The creative force of the universe.

"Lyrical"

When the lyrical rhythm began I felt free.  I was skipping around the studio experiencing the lightness of being.  Dancing lyrical after giving it all over through the rhythm of chaos is like experiencing the relief and lightness after a deep cry or emotional release.  I had shaken off so many emotional layers.  Even though this rhythm is about lightness and play I found myself feeling sadness.  The sadness was for all those people that never allow themselves to let go.  Those people who are held back from letting their hair fly and arms flail.  Those humans who don't allow themselves to play, and dance, and feel, and cry and just live.  I was sad for that part of me that for so many years never allowed myself to play.  I found myself saying a prayer for my ancestors and my current family members.  I then invited my family in spirit to join me.  I skipped around the room and danced for all my ancestors and current family members who can't let go.  Who can't connect to play or express their feelings.  I danced for them and I released for all my generations.

 I skipped and played and looked at the skyline of the city that I have loved and hated for so many years.  This time around I got this city.  I got it on a level I wasn't able to before because I had been blocked off to it.  Everything about New York is poetic.  It is shitty and beautiful.  It can make peoples dreams come true and can shatter them.  The creative energy in that city is thick with hopes and dreams and sadness and despair.  It is truly a place where all those who never fit into their families, who were misunderstood, and who are just free spirits can escape too.  Even if it is for a short time.  New York offers so much to people to feel alive.  And for the first time in a long time I felt alive.  Looking out to the skyline, looking at the grand church,  I was alive.  And for the first time I thanked the city for its beauty and its gifts.

"My Stillness"

Then there was the rhythm of stillness.  I just kept staring out the window.  It is all I could do.  At this point I was tired.  I gave the dance everything of me.  I was at the zero point and all I could do was be.  I stood in the window and continued to stare at the church.  Just swaying back and forth. Surrendered.  My body in complete prayer.  I then turned around and took in the studio and the group of souls-the tribe- that assisted me with this life changing experience. I breathed in the smell of sweat and city air.  I didn't want to forget.  I didn't want to forget how it was to experience heaven on earth.  I didn't want to forget what it was like to be fully alive and dancing in the kingdom of heaven.

No Filters on this Photo Just Sweat and After Glow!

I thanked the instructor and of course had to get my picture taken with him.  I shared how grateful I was and also how sad I was that this did not happen in Nashville.  There is a church on every corner in Nashville promising that their way is the way to connect to God.  Yet it was this practice that gave me direct experience  Where is a 5 Rhythms "church" in my current hometown?

That was my NYC 5 Rhythms experience.

The creative ideas that flowed from me during those two hours were amazing.  I wonder what life would be like to dance in a class like that twice a week?  At this point I would take once a week.

Tonight on October 22, 2013 three years after my "shattering"  I get to participate in a 5 Rhythms workshop here in Nashville, TN.  I am excited and nervous at the same time. That means I am alive.  I don't know what to expect.  Anything can happen.  I do know that no matter what some kind of magic will be happening.  Its just a matter of being open to how it shows up.

What are the "5 Rhythms" Of The Soul?

"Doing the rhythms is about waking up your most essential nature, stretching your intuition and imagination as surely as your body.  It's a formless form, one that expands your range of physical and emotional expression and introduces you to forgotten parts of your psyche.  Anyone can do the rhythms."  -Gabrielle Roth, Sweat Your Prayers

Flowing- Feminine energy, connecting to how your body moves, being open to change and birthing new movement.  Moving from the inhalation.  Taking in the goodness.  Taking in compliments, let downs, support.  Soft, rounded movements.  Earth.

Staccato-Masculine energy, putting self in world, moving through inertia, areas one feels stuck, sharp lines and edges, creating boundaries, the rhythm of taking responsibility, showing up for self, being the hero of your life, Fire

Chaos- The meeting of the divine feminine and masculine, diving beneath the self-imposed layers into the depths of your being and shaking it out, connecting to intuition, releasing from the mind, giving it all over to the divine, freeing self, powerful as water to wash away and cleanse out the old

Lyrical- "Lightness of being"  A celebration.  Still as free and wild as chaos but lighter.  This is about air.  Feeling what you feel but lighter.  Like the afterglow of sex.  The lightness of being after a really good cry. The good feeling after studying hard, taking a test, acing it, and enjoying the feeling of accomplishment.  Anything is possible when connected to the rhythm of lyrical.  We don't have to lock ourselves into being one thing we know we can shape shift.  We know we can change anytime.  We can celebrate life.  Air.

Stillness- Experiencing the power of being and not the power of doing.  Slowing down to the present moment.  Connecting within.  Moving to find stillness.  This is the rhythm of growing older.     The rhythm of dying.  Peacefulness.  Meditation.  Staying present in the middle of a storm.

If you are interested in experiencing this movement as a spiritual practice just start looking online.  There are plenty of resources and videos available to get you started.  There are no steps to learn.  You don't have to know how to dance.  

Books available:

Sweat Your Prayers, The Five Rhythms Of The Soul by Gabrielle Roth

Maps To Ecstasy by Gabrielle Roth

Website:

www.5rhythms.com

When is the last time you have allowed yourself to let go.......

DANCE.

Self-Worth Awareness: Ask Yourself The Following Question...

What is your motivation?

This question, this simple little question, has had an incredible impact on my self-worth awareness.  Yes.  It is simple.  Yet incredibly powerful.  "What is my motivation?"

My ego does not enjoy when I ask myself this question. 

What is my motivation when I am in a heated discussion with another person?  

What is my motivation when I am judging somebody? 

What is my motivation when I share information, comments, status updates, and pics on Facebook?

What is my motivation behind clinging to certain "titles, roles, jobs, etc?"

What is my motivation behind sharing what I do in blog posts?

What is my motivation when I stay busy all the time and won't allow myself to rest?

I could go on but I will stop with just these questions. When I ask these questions I have a quick awareness of just where my sense of worth is tied up.  If I am judging somebody then I am  not feeling good enough about myself in some area.  If I start to panic at the thought of not being at a certain job or carrying a "title" or "playing" a life role then I can tell what my self-worth is based on.  If I find myself staying busy all the time and not resting then I am telling myself my needs are not worth anything.  I am not worthy of self-care.  My do-ing is what makes me worthy.

I ask myself sometimes why do I share on Facebook?  Am I basing my worth on how people respond to me, see me, or the "illusion"of me I create.  Is there a part of me that needs to be heard and seen to feel worth anything?  Or is it because I just enjoy posting updates and sharing information with others?

Let me say that I do not create an illusion. I am quite honest and forward about what I share.  The "illusion" is that every pic I post is me happy and having a good time.  That is only a part of my life.  There is another part that isn't always like that.

I enjoy sharing through social media including blog posts.  I have accepted this and as long as I keep asking myself, "What is my motivation?" I keep myself in check:)  I have started asking myself this question and since I have it has stopped me from many judgemental remarks and posts, arguments, lack of self-care moments, and painful awareness of how quickly I can get my worth tied up in a role or do-ing.  

If you can relate to any of the questions above then I invite you to ask yourself one or two of them.  What are your initial reactions?  What physical sensations happen in your body?  What are your first thoughts?  Just notice.  Cultivate Awareness.


"We are taught in this society to look outside to define ourselves and give us a feeling of worth,  We have worth if we are better than others.  We are validated in comparison to others, for being smarter, richer than, prettier, more talented, etc.  This empowers the illusion of separation and feeds the fear of not being good enough."

"True Self-Worth does not come from comparing to or judging others but going within and awakening to the connection of others.  When we look within and define our own truths we can celebrate the differences of each other instead of judging from fear."

"True self-worth comes from accessing your internal truth within-that state of grace which is your true being.  Only you can define your truth NOT the media, your employers, friends, family, only you!"

"Anyone who feels they have to be productive to feel good about themselves will feel like a victim
when not productive."

Self-Criticism to Self-Acceptance. Change Your Words. Change Your World. Change The World.

"Neuropeptides are chemical messengers that travel throughout the body whenever we think a thought or speak a word. When are thoughts are angry, judgemental, or critical, the chemicals they produce depress our immune system. When thoughts are loving, empowering, and positive the messengers carry chemicals to enhance the immune system, The communication between the mind and body never sleeps. Your mind is constantly relaying your thoughts to cells in your body." -Louise Hay ,Empowering Women: Every Woman's Guide To Successful Living.

Something amazing happened to me this past Sunday morning.  I experienced a magical moment in which I could see and feel the universe celebrating and dancing with me.  I am not kidding.  It was in this magical moment that for the first time in my life I allowed myself to acknowledge I have a gift.  Yes. I know my very existence is a gift.  I get that.  The gift I am speaking of is a "talent."  Something I do well and can share with others.

This moment came when I was in the shower.  I had put the finishing touches on a class I was to teach just hours later.  I had spent Friday and a good part of Saturday evening restructuring the format of this class that I had taught back in 2011.  While I was in the shower I kept running the outline of the class through my head and visualizing the flow of events.  As I was watching it play out from beginning to end I was quite taken back by the changes I had made. In the next moment a mixture of confidence and excitement washed over me.  It was as if someone else took over my body for a moment.  I felt my mouth open and out came the words,  "Oh my God, I really do have a gift for designing workshops!  Hello, look how many amazing two and three hour workshops you have created.  Some of the best ones you have taught were put together in one night.  Not only that you are darn good at facilitating and sharing these teachings!"

What happened after that moment was just as magical. You may not believe what I say, but, that is okay I know what I saw.  After I spoke those words I looked into around me and saw little flicks of light dancing around.  At first I was sure it was due to how I moved my eyes.  It is common to see flashes of light when the eyes move in a certain way.  No, it wasn't that.  After the flickers of light disappeared I tried to move my eyes exactly the same way and nothing happened.  Why do I share this?  I share it because I want to believe that when I acknowledged something positive about myself the whole universe danced including my energy field.

I have spent most of my life feeling less than.  I have had admiration for many women and men through out my lifetime.  Some for their talents, some for their confidence, some for their intelligence, and others for how amazingly authentic they live.  I have also lived much of my life playing the supporting role in other peoples dreams.   This was because for so long I had no confidence in manifesting my own dreams.  I had no clue that I had an inner hard drive (subconscious) that was running a software program (belief system/core issues) of "I don't matter and I am not good enough."  I literally spent years believing I had no talent and no gifts to offer the world.  I would continue to draw in people and situations to reinforce this core belief system. This included a soul crushing experience in my college theatre department days that to this day changed my relationship with acting.

Stating to the universe that I have a talent and really believing it is not normal for me.  Let me emphasize the "believing" part.  It has been difficult for me most of my life to accept compliments.  That is not uncommon for someone who has low self-esteem and low self-worth. It used to be hard to believe someone when they would compliment me on my writing, acting, pastel drawings, or even the rare times I would sing in public.

It has certainly gotten better over the past few years for me.  My self-esteem and self-worth has increased because I was fortunate enough to discover the root cause of my trauma.  I was also able to get crystal clear about my main core issues.  I eventually gave in and discovered ways to change the software (belief systems) that had been running my life.  Experiencing that "magical moment" of acknowledging my gift took a lot and I mean A LOT of work and dedication.

I know it was no accident I made those statements to the universe just hours before that particular class.  It was the class of the Recovery Rising series that affirmations and mirror work are introduced.

Yes, affirmations!

I'm sure some of you reading this will remember a little skit from Saturday Night Live starring Al Franken as Stuart Smalley.  He would sit in front of a full length mirror in a soft pastel yellow sweater and repeat affirmations to himself.  Uggh.  It was because of that skit that I did not want to even entertain the idea of "affirmation work."  Give me a break.

I look back now and can see I was only hurting myself and prolonging the pain within by not having an open mind and being willing to try something new.  I was judging something based on a comedy skit from 1991!   That is what inspired me to bring up the following questions before we moved into the affirmation part of last Sunday's class, " Why is it acceptable in our society to walk around being self-critical all the time?  Why is it easier to walk around speaking negative words to self than it is to walk around repeating positive loving words?"   My point is people get uncomfortable when it comes to self-love talk.  I know.  I have witnessed it and I have also been one of those people.  It makes me wonder what this world would be like if we all were comfortable with showering our ourselves with positive loving talk.

We all have the power to change.  The change has to come from within and it begins with the words we say to ourselves.  The new hair cut, new breasts, last 10 pounds, change of location, new girlfriend or boyfriend will only serve to distract you temporarily from how you feel within and patterns that may need to change.  We have the power  change our physical body.  We also have the power to change our thought patterns.

Louise L. Hay states in her book, "You Can Heal Your Life" that body problems, money problems, relationship problems, and lack of creative expression are all side effects of:  Not Loving The Self.  One of the first things she would have people do when they came to her for help was look in the mirror and say, "I love and accept you exactly as you are."  You can read in her book about how people reacted when going through that experience.  Not an easy thing to do.  Talk about powerful in the face feedback.

When I read the affirmation, "I love and accept you exactly as you are" part of me still snickers and sees Stuart Smalley.  After I get the snicker out I remind myself how strange it is not to flood myself with kind loving words.  When I first started this work I  had to begin with, "I am willing to love and accept myself."  That is how much I was resisting.

There are so many affirmations out there to choose from.  If you know your specific core issues/negative thought patterns you can create specific affirmations to shift them.  If you have a physical imbalance it is possible there is a negative thought pattern that assisted in creating it.  If you are interested in learning more about how negative thought patterns can contribute to physical dis-eases please read, "You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.

If you are new to affirmations and want one to start with I suggest starting with, "I Love and Accept Myself." It is the foundation of self-healing.  It will probably feel uncomfortable at first, but, isn't starting anything new?  If you have ever lifted weights with the intent of building muscle you may remember the first couple sessions.  You may have felt weak and perhaps a bit self-conscious. Your muscles may have felt sore and uncomfortable a day or two after the first workout.  You may not have seen bulging biceps right away,but, after a couple of months of dedicated sessions you started to see results.  If anyone out there does have a goal of developing bulging biceps be sure to check your  motivation behind building them.  If it is based on low-self worth then all your going to have is bulging biceps and low self-worth.  Think about how many years you have lived with negative thought patterns.  It will take time to shift into new ones, but, with discipline it can happen.

As for me I am still changing my inner world.  Some days are better than others.  I am having more days like last Sunday and it feels good.  I have three affirmations I am working with right now and clearly they are doing something right.  I write each one out 25 times before I go to bed.  If I am in an appropriate place to do so I may also sing them, dance them, and say them when looking into a mirror.  I also do something for myself to reinforce the affirmation.  When I was all about the love and accepting myself I would do something nice for myself such as take a relaxing bath and cuddle up in a blanket, or, I would take myself out on a date.  Yes.  All by myself on a date.   Heck, I still do those things.  Self-love never ends!

It is Valentine's Day week.   How about giving yourself the gift of no negative self-talk for a day!

As for me I am looking forward to more magical moments and perhaps one day facilitating an all day workshop!

All I have to do is the next right thing.......and be nice to myself!

Oh, and did I happen to mention the book, "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay?

Another favorite book I mention ALL the time is, "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die" by Karol Truman