The Magic Of A Self-Love Sanctuary She/Man Cave!

It is no secret what my favorite color is: PINK!

When I was on a women's retreat this past November a wise woman shared a beautiful insight with me  regarding the color pink. She said, "Red is love. White is courage. Pink is the in -between of both those colors. Pink is peace." Those words went straight to my heart and snuggled right in and have not left since. I have managed to create some kind of "pink room" in other places I have lived before. I have always needed the soothing walls to make me feel peaceful and at home. I left behind a beautiful pink room last November that held the most precious moments, memories, tears, laughter, anger, inspiration, and layers of healing energy within its supportive walls. That was my "she-cave". I feel it is important to have that alone space whether you are a man and need the "man-cave" or a woman needing to retreat to her "she- cave." I like to think of it as a self-love sanctuary. It is a sacred space. Its the place to take care and love on yourself and give yourself what you need so you can then go out and give to others. The others may be a partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, friends, students, etc.

Many things can happen in a self-love sanctuary.  For me countless hours of writing and workshop designing happened. Vision boards were created and many visions were manifested. On any given day any genre of music could be heard playing including: 80's, 90's, metal, industrial, world, kundalini, hip-hop, and show tunes. Basically any music that inspired me to move could be heard blasting out of that room. The floors were so kind in supporting me as I danced, stomped, twirled, screamed, and often pounded on them. I have to say much anger release work was accomplished within the pink.  My inner child is always pleased in the sanctuary. Many mornings the walls meditated with me and took in the vibrations of the mantras that I would chant and play. There were many evenings my kundalini yoga music would seep out into the living room inspiring someone down there to turn off the T.V.  I would often catch that same certain someone listening to the mantras being played instead of watching the TV:) Some days it would be an interesting mix of yoga music clashing and somehow blending with the metal or prog rock drumming going on in the man cave in the next room. There was never a dull moment in the pink room. 

In my new place I cannot have a pink room. It seems strange and it feels like a piece of me is missing. I have created a sacred space in my bedroom to connect with my higher power and do my meditation practice. I dance in my living room and I write on my dining room table enjoying the beautiful view from my windows. I am grateful. My whole apartment is now my self-love sanctuary she-cave. I am creating beautiful layers of healing peaceful energy within its walls every day. Yet, it just isn't the same. Even with the pink decor it doesn't hold quite the same inspiration. I need my pink walls! I need my superpower. I do not know how long I will reside in this place. When the time does come that I am supposed to move to a new space I will welcome it. The only deal breaker will be is if I cannot paint a room pink. That is a must. It means everything to me.

Creating a self-love sanctuary she- cave is telling myself I am worth spending time with, I am worth listening to, I am worth caring for, and I am worth the gift of play and fun.  I know by spending the time away in my she-cave tending to my inner world the outer world  becomes more magical on a daily basis.

RIP PINK ROOM. 

You are always in my heart.

Last photo taken of the Pink Room wall before it was covered with a vanilla color:(

Surviving To Thriving: Why I Chose To Leave Everything Familiar To Face My Greatest Fear....

"I want to go back to what is comfortable.  I want to go back to what I know.  I want to go back to the house where I knew who I was.  The place where I knew my role.  It is a comfortable place....but I can't.  Sigh.  There is a reason I had to pack my things and leave that familiar life.  I had to leave the safety of the walls I knew for eight years. The security I could always depend on. There was a reason I had to say good-bye to the dog I raised from the time she was eight weeks old and a reason I had to painfully separate from the man to whom I said, In sickness and in health till' death do us part."

It has been almost eight months now since I left that house and embarked on my own heroes journey.  I have felt like I have been in the wilderness for months and I am just starting to settle into this place I now call my home.  I do not know "my role" or "my identity" right now.  In fact, that has been something I have been working on rediscovering since I had my trauma break down/open on October 11, 2011.

Since then nothing has been the same

Last year at this time the thought of what I am doing right was sending chills through my spine.  Fear, self-doubt and self-blame paralyzed me.  The doubts were from seeds planted long ago in the fertile soil of my youth and watered for years with painful words from a man who convinced me that I would never be able to survive on my own in this world. A man who wanted to protect me from the pain of the world. A man who tried to convince me nobody else would ever love someone like me. Those words along with a host of other demeaning words and actions would be repeated through out the years.  Eventually those seeds became strong held beliefs that grew like crabgrass weed taking over my mind and body. Weeds that twisted and suffocated out any belief in me that I could be good enough, capable enough or lovable enough.

In the 12 years I was connected to that man I had every material thing I could possibly dream of: cars, million dollar condo in a big city, education, clothes, credit cards, etc.  I snapped my fingers and it appeared.  No matter what.  In the beginning I was naive and it was feeding all my twenty something year old fantasies.  Then time passed by.   I had everything I could ever want on the outside.  I had zero self-esteem and zero self-love on the inside.  They had both been slowly stripped away from me through years of emotional abuse, manipulation, and constant fear.  A fear that at any time everything was going to be taken away from me and I would be homeless.

 For the longest time I did not believe I could take care of myself.  So I didn't.  The co-dependency that was developed in my childhood grew even stronger in adulthood.  I became angry, vindictive, lost, and I fell head first into a world of substances that I discovered could take all the pain of the reality I created away.  I was filled with nothing but self-hatred, anger, and unforgiveness towards myself and this other person, and life in general.

I did not know I had the power within me to make a change

 I did not know I had a choice

Then I found the world of recovery.  A small glimmer of something called hope started to catch my eye.  I followed it's light and slowly my life began to change.  The recovery world helped me cultivate just enough inner strength and self-esteem to start standing up for myself.  I started to learn about the word, choice.  I chose to start taking my power back and releasing myself from that person. It didn't happen over night but one day it finally did.

I had a year and two months into recovery and was just starting experience living on my own when I met my would be husband.  I had barely scratched the surface of getting in touch with the deep emotional pain I held within my cells, muscles, and bones.  Pain that had been locked up inside of me from my youth up until I met him. At that time I had no clue of the repressed trauma that was going to explode out of me down the road after we were married.  I had no clue the bones of the person I had been from birth up until October 11, 2011 would suddenly shatter into hundreds of dusty pieces all around.  I did not know that every year since then I would be picking up those bones and rebuilding a whole new skeleton while La Loba, the Woman Wolf, sang over them bringing me back to life. I just knew I was attracted to this man. He was attracted to me. It was game on.  We met on Thanksgiving day and we were married by April.

I did not heal any part of my past before I entered into marriage.  I just dragged a whole lot of baggage into it.  After a while of being married I found myself settling back into familiar dependent patterns.  These patterns started to trigger deep wounds of dis empowerment and victim hood within me.  I hated those feelings.  Those feelings included a seething anger that was always boiling right under my skin.  There would be good days and bad days.  I worked really hard on releasing the anger.

Healing

 I spent years doing the deep inner work I was guided too.  I wanted inner peace.  I wanted freedom. The anger was what I had to listen and pay attention too.  It was my messenger.  Since that fateful day in 2011 the underlying message had been that I needed to go out into the world and stand on my own two feet.  I kept ignoring the message out of fear, but, it would not go away.  The messages kept coming to me at different times through different mediums including the guidance system deep within my stomach.

IT WAS TIME TO FACE MY GREATEST FEAR

I had to face myself and find out what I was made of.  My wings had been clipped in my 20's and I did not learn how to fly like others my age.  My next phase of trauma healing would not be able to be done within the cocoon of a marriage. My husband and I knew our  relationship was not working in its current incarnation.  I knew on my part what had to be done if  there was ever going to be any hope.

Where I had to go I had to go alone. Loving myself and doing what needed to be done to cultivate that had to come first.  If I was ever going to have a chance at having a healthy relationship with myself and perhaps one day a healthy relationship with a man this journey had to be taken.  It was time for me to release the baggage that I did not give myself the chance to release before.

I HAD TO KNOW I COULD MAKE IT ON MY OWN IN THIS BIG WORLD

It was so painful to leave my husband because I did not want to hurt him.  I did not want to cause pain to another human being again. Even though by staying as long as I did was still  hurting him.  I was so frustrated that this had to affect our relationship like it did.  In true co-dependent fashion I automatically took the blame for all it.  I have gotten alot better at releasing some of it.  Yet I still wonder,  "How could I leave a man who truly loved me through some pretty painful and terrifying times- trying times a lesser man would have probably run from?" I'm still coming to terms with that part but for now all I know is....

 It had to be done

Trauma recovery is brutal. I did not ask to have to hurt others in the name of healing myself.   I did not ask for what happened to me in my youth  to unconsciously set the course of the rest of my life until October 11th.  This shit is painful.  This path I chose is not for the faint of heart.  Yes.  I am scared.

It is the wilderness for me

I am still alive though.  I have a job(s), food in my stomach, a roof over my head, and friends that support me.  Everyday is different and seems to bring with it different emotions to feel and walk through. Some days I am curled up in the fetal position with tears streaming down my face, while other days I am punching the shit stuffing out of a heavy bag.  Still other days I just want to lay on my couch and stare out the window. There are plenty of good feeling days too. The most important thing for me is cultivating a simple life.  A simple low to no chaos structured life.  I have never really known what that is.  It is vitally important for my recovery.  I am facing what I need to face and healing through it the best that I can.  I may be scared, but, at least I can say I am doing it and have been for close to eight months now.  I know the fear will lessen as time goes by.  All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward one day at a time.

I am not a helpless girl who needs rescued anymore.

I am a woman who is growing stronger everyday in many ways.

I am my own parent now.

I am my own protector.

I am a survivor.

I am a thriver.

I am learning who I am
all over again.

I am learning to love myself.

I am being reborn.

I am my own heroine.


If you made it to the end I want to say thank you from the deepest recesses of my heart for witnessing a sliver of my story.  For some reason it was supposed to be shared.  I followed the call and wrote what I felt comfortable sharing. I trust there is a reason. This small part is enough for now.  I will be following up with more blog posts regarding my journey as I am "called" to do so.  I will soon be introducing a whole new blog and facebook page that will be a more current reflection of my re-discovery journey "from surviving to thriving."  I am waiting until mercury goes direct to introduce it.  Until then I will be staying here posting in Recovery Rising.

Namaste. Sat Nam. Aho. Blessed Be.

-Kristianna

The Messy Raw Truth About "Living A Life Authentic." The side they don't show in those photo quotes!

I am really needing to get back to blogging because spirit is downloading but I am not letting it pass through.  Words and thoughts are getting stuck in my bones and cells and although some of them are being journaled out privately, safely, and tenderly for my healing sake other words are asking to be shared.

On my way to work today I felt as if I was going to burst at the seams of my body unless I put these words down.  This topic wanted to be shared and that's the only way I can explain it.  

I couldn't get the images of Facebook memes out of my head.  Those photos of care free empowering images of women with arms wide open to the sky, or falling peacefully off a cliff, or frolicking at a beach just to name a few.  The quotes that adorn the photos are meant to inspire one to be weird, live authentically, let go without anyone even knowing, follow your souls truth and on and on.  Blah Blah. Some of them are lovely. They are gentle reminders and speak to those parts of us that do need to remember.   I feel they are similar to  rom-com movies where the guy and girl get together in the end and ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after.  The idea is sweet and inspiring in the moment, but, these memes don't show the after effects and birthing process of "letting go" and "peeling back the layers of the authentic self". Just like those movies don't show what happens about a month or two after the couple rides off into the sunset. 

Yeah...not quite feeling the frolic right now.

Let me just say though the journey to uncovering the authentic self and following inner truth is just flipping MESSY! Seriously messy. Emotionally, physically, spiritually MESSY! In that journey to un-become so you can be who you are meant to become, whatever that is, upheaval happens. Fears are faced and danced with. People get hurt. People you love get hurt. It is selfish on the surface, but, in the deep layers there is a truth. A truth only you, your soul, and God understand. 

There is confusion. 

Alot of confusion. 

The journey of following ones truth has shown me quickly who my friends are. It has revealed to me that some people can not handle someone living their truth especially if it mirrors back to them what they are not ready to deal with. In my un-becoming I have been shocked at who has ended up being part of  my support system and who has not. It is true what another meme has said, you really do find out who your friends are when the shit hits the fan in your life. When dropping the layers of the false self its fascinating how those that no longer vibrate with you ease fully drop away and those who resonate with the emerging self beautifully appear. 

The unknown is scary. It really is. I'm not one to sugar coat things. My meme would NOT have me frolicking on the beach right now. Mine would be in the woods, covered in dirt, hair tangled everywhere, on my knees connected to mother earth praying. 

Raw. 

Surrendered. 

Maybe a tear or two or three or a hundred would be streaming down. 

Screaming. 

And screaming some more because that is how this beginning journey feels right now. Facing my fears, sacrificing the old self, birthing the new, trying to cause the least pain to others as possible while making choices that in the deepest parts of my body are right and true. Taking the journey to live a life authentic also means navigating the questions from the outside . Those well meaning people who care yet don't and will probably never understand why a souls journey must be made. Why living in integrity means making choices and doing things that don't make sense in a rational way.  It means causing pain to self and loved ones no matter how conscious the choices are being made.

Breaking out of the comfort zone means stepping out into faith. Finding new ground

Give me a break.......

Some days it can feel like there is no ground to walk on and leaps have to be made to find a stable rock to stand on. Some days it feels like I am walking upside down. Some days I don't want to leave the safe comfort of being on my knees asking Goddess to please guide my way.

No. The path to living out the calling of my soul at least in this beginning phase is not as pretty as a Facebook meme. The reality is I want to be alone and grieve. I want to console that part of me that is slowly being put to rest to allow the healed part of me to take charge. I want to grieve for the only life I have known and gather the courage to face what I must and rebirth myself from love not trauma. So I can love others more truthfully. Living a life authentic........ 

I blame it on the Kundalini Yoga:)

This about captures it!

I know that look all to well....

Listening To My Body And Releasing The Guilt: My Journey From Veganism To "Meat As Medicine."

It took many years and a few well meaning women professional healer friends to assist me in understanding that meat is a form of medicine.....  




It took about 5 years to get myself to a "no meat" lifestyle.  I started down the no meat path in 1996.  Basically there was life before the infamous Oprah "Mad Cow Disease" episode that aired in 1996 and life after.  Like many others that day who watched that episode I stopped eating red meat.  I mean I stopped that very day.  I couldn't do it.  Not after what I saw.  I stopped eating red meat but soon picked up chicken.  Honestly I had never eaten a piece of chicken that wasn't battered and fried before that time.  So for a couple years after that fateful Oprah show I found  myself consuming vast amounts of chicken.  At some point I started working out with a trainer at a gym who also made dietary suggestions to me.  I ate four meals a day each one consisting of chicken.  I cannot say exactly when it was that I decided to eliminate all meat I just know it was sometime around 2000-2001. It might have been when I allowed myself to stop being in denial about what happens to the chickens. I know by that time I was deep into Conversations With God by Neil Donald Walsh, A Course In Miracles by Inner Peace Foundation and the book that started my spiritual journey and awakened the first light codes within me, The Celestine Prophesy, by James Redfield.

The more I walked forward on my path of spirituality the less meat I wanted to consume.  After September 2001 I moved from New York City to Los Angeles, CA.  There is something in the air out in that place (besides smog).  Something intangible and electrifying.  It pulsates with a liquid creativity that when you stand in just the right place it flows right into you.  That area makes one want to turn back the clock by 10 years in regards to age.   For me it stripped me of any desire to consume meat that I may have had left in me.  It may not connect that way for everyone who goes out there, but, for me it was transformative.

Within weeks of moving out there I eliminated all meat and dairy from my diet. One of the first events I remember attending was an "Stop Animal Cruelty Festival" complete with vegan food vendors, booths about teaching compassion, streaming video of what happens in slaughterhouses, and Sophie B. Hawkins screaming on stage about someone leaving their dog in the car.  Now that is either irony or stupidity.  It was well over 100 degrees that day in October. NEVER LEAVE YOUR DOG IN THE CAR IN EXTREME TEMPERATURE'S!

My diet during that time of my life consisted of lots of veggie burgers, lots and lots of Boca Burgers and a plethora of other meat substitute items.  I mean really.....I did not want meat......but I still had an innate craving for it somewhere in me.  I wore vegan shoes, t-shirts that said "vegan", and I know I was adopting that attitude that seems to naturally develop when having to stand ones ground and make it be known, I DON"T EAT MEAT!

Oh Boca..Boca...Boca...

I fluctuated between a vegetarian and vegan lifestyle up until I went into recovery which would be around 2006.  I remember one day something inside of me suddenly craved a red meat burger.  I mean REALLY craved it.  It was strange and confusing but the feeling would not be ignored.  I remember feeling weak and low in energy around that time also.  I went to the local natural foods market and purchased some grass fed meat, took it home, George Forman'd it, and literally cried while taking that first bite.  As soon as I chewed it I remembered the taste of red meat as if no time had passed between 1996 and 2006.  I took another bite and then another until it was all gone.  I kid you not it was only a matter of minutes before it was like somebody pushed a red button that said "start" on my back. My energy level shot through the roof.  I went to work that night as the energizer bunny.

 I did not last long eating meat.  I ate it for a few months and then one day I just didn't want it anymore.  I was done.  So that was it.  My life shifted dramatically from 2006 on.  I got married, re-discovered Kundalini Yoga, got certified as a KY instructor, and assisted in opening up a Kundalini Yoga studio.  I never thought I would teach yoga or be considered a "yogi",but, before I knew it there I was immersed in a whole new spiritual world.  Now I really couldn't eat meat.  I was a yogi!  I had to follow the eight limbs of yoga.

The Eight Limbs Of Yoga are guidelines to live a meaningful and purposeful life.  The first limb of the eight limbs of yoga is referred to as Yama.  Yamas are universal practices that relate best to what we know as the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have done unto you."  The very first of the five yamas is Ahimsa: non-violence.  So there was really no way I was going to eat meat.  Plus now I was surrounded by all these "in the know" raw foodists and vegans.  I got to hear about the amazing powers of this super food and that one. I was intrigued at how this one type of seed could make me produce super powered excretions and that super powder could make my adrenals and libido soar to the moon.  I went on a raw food eating binge.  I bought the books and tried to figure out how the hell I was going to find the time to actually prepare these elaborate prana packed super foods.  I followed as close as I could to the yogic food recommendations given by Yogi Bhajan.  I listened closely to the physical and spiritual benefits of eating a yogic diet all through my teacher training.  Again it was becoming deeply ingrained in me that the only way I could be truly spiritual, heart centered, and ascend  is if I did not consume meat.

All the while I was going gung ho into this new yogic lifestyle my health was not good.  If you were to look at photos of me from times I was at Kundalini Yoga gatherings such as Summer Solstice or White Tantra my skin lacked glow. It was just plain dull. Their is a darkness to my eyes.  I am not putting myself down.  I am just acknowledging truth.  What is interesting is that at these yogic events the main foods that are served are beans, rice, and potatoes.  I was consuming a lot of beans and rice and potatoes.  Not only at yogic events but at home also.  I loved beans and rice.  I even went on a mung beans and rice fast for 30 days because it was said it was the "food of the Gods".  I read somewhere that  a person could live off of mung beans and rice for their whole life and be healthy. We ate alot of it at my teacher training out in New Mexico.  I believe some version  of beans and rice was available at mealtime every day. Looking back at photos of me at my training my skin was the same dull color plus I had a horrible break out on my face the whole time.  I remember the day that two Ayurveda practitioners came to speak at one of my classes. I went up to them after and asked them for suggestions about my break outs during training. I believe their advice was just for me to stop drinking yogi tea.  No one said put down the beans and rice.

I began this blog sharing about how it took several women to be truthful and bold with me about eating meat.  One beautiful healer friend took the time to really talk with me about how eating meat is part of  experience of being human for me in this lifetime. She helped me understand that it was okay to allow myself to eat meat in a human body.  It is sometimes a form of medicine.  The key is to do it with honor and reverence.  She is a wise shaman.  I was laying on her massage table receiving a healing session from her while she was sharing this with me.  I'll never forget her also saying that if she had a steak in her refrigerator she would go in there and cook it medium rare for me to eat right then. That is how much she was in tune with my body needing medicine in the form of meat.  It took another girl to share with me that she went from strict veganism to having to eat a paleo/primal diet because she was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and could no longer eat gluten and several other triggering foods.  She said after she started eating meat she felt stronger and more balanced.  When healer friends of hers looked at her auric field after she had added meat back into her diet they told her it had actually become stronger.  Both of these women really helped me.

I want to say I am eating an paleo autoimmune elimination diet and that is the answer to everything.  I can say that as I cannot be that rigid. I have to listen to my body.  I know tomorrow I may wake up and not want to eat meat.  I doubt that will happen  because for now it is assisting me.  I just have to stay flexible and not attached.  Practicing yoga has given me the ability to do this.  It has given me back to  my body. I listen to my body  through feelings, sensations, and intuition. I do not listen to guilt or shame or what the latest fad diet or scientific study says.  I don't follow what any spiritual path says or what religious dogma states.  I listen to my body and what it needs to heal and to become balanced.  Meat is a medicine and I respect and honor it and treat it as such.

It was just a month or so ago that I was at work barely able to walk up and down stairs.  I would hear messages in my head that said, "My body is attacking me."  No.  I wasn't going crazy...well...perhaps a bit considering the foods that I was eating.  My face had sores all over it and I couldn't stop picking at them.  I would walk around with my pockets full of tissues stained with blood that I had used to wipe off my face with.  I was so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  I knew what was going on had to do with my gut.  I knew something had to be done.  Every time I ate certain foods my face would break out into sores.

  I dove into reading about the gut/brain axis, the gut and psychology, autoimmune paleo, fermented foods, gluten, grains, legumes, dairy. After reading all the scientific evidence about the effects of gluten, legumes, wheat and dairy on the digestive system it hit me like a thunder bolt.  I looked back at all those photos of me at the yoga events. I looked at photos of me at all the periods of time I was a vegetarian.  Most of them show me as very sick looking.  It made perfect sense to me that my digestive system was out of balance.  My stomach lining was compromised and my gut flora was imbalanced. I don't know how long my body has been in this state.  All I know is the grains and super foods I was eating out of care and concern for other living beings were not showing care and concern for me.  If you really have a care to see visuals of what my face looked like and why I have stopped eating the above you can check out this post: http://recoveryrising.blogspot.com/2014/07/a-photo-journey-first-10-days-proof.html

I will be honest when I say I do not 100% agree with the fact that I have to take another living species life in order to re balance mine.  I suppose I can be thankful I feel like that because that means I have a conscious.  I will say with conviction that I pray and practice reiki over every piece of meat I do eat.  I only buy and eat 100% grass fed and finished.  I do my best to buy from local farms where the animals were able to be in pasture. It is not always possible for me to purchase from the farms.  When I can't do it that way I at least buy pastured or 100% grass fed beef from the natural food stores. I use the same level of consciousness when I purchase turkey, fish, or bison. I will only eat meat if I cook it or I take it somewhere to be cooked. If I know for sure where the meat was sourced from at a restaurant I will order it.  These are ways I have been able to have peace within me and honor the soul and medicine of the animal.  I could not do it any other way.

There are so many eating lifestyles out there now.  It is as diverse and sometimes as full of dogma as religion.  In fact it has gotten to a point where eating lifestyles have turned into religions.  It seems tensions rise and verbal arguments break out between people from different eating lifestyles just the same as two religious sects trying to prove their way to God is the only way.

During my time as a yoga instructor I have witnessed the internal struggle of students in regards to the topic of food-particularly eating meat.  Especially people new to yoga who start experiencing the wonderful benefits of showing up to class, maintaining a daily practice, and making connections within the community.  The struggle I have seen and heard is, "I still eat meat, I feel bad, I know I practice yoga which means I shouldn't eat it."  I have had students approach me after class and verbally process on me for 20 minutes and everything that they needed to work out within them simply boiled down, "To eat meat or not to eat meat."

So I am finishing this blog by saying this.  The body that is literally the vehicle for our soul to experience life on this planet is highly intelligent.  It has its own consciousness.  It knows what it needs to maintain a balance.  It knows what foods actually disturb it and knock it out of balance.  I it knows what foods it needs to bring it back into balance.  The only thing it needs is for the person who is inhabiting it to pay attention.  There will always be a new scientific study released saying something is beneficial and something is bad.  Then there will be another one a decade later proving that  previous study was wrong.

 Some people were born to experience life as a vegetarian or a vegan.  Others were born to know what it like to exist taking in meat.  Some people have been born to only eat fish and plant life and still others just want to eat fruit as a source of energy.  Whether we choose to eat our food cooked or consume it raw the fact of the matter is there is no ONE right way to good and balanced health and well being.  If a certain food feels right to eat for a time being listen to that.  Do not live your life based on what others may think.  They are not living in your body.  They do not have your body chemistry.   It is beautiful to have values to live by and ideals to strive to live up to, but, living a balanced life means having to find...the balance.  Having to be flexible.  Having to let go.  Wow.  Sounds like practicing yoga.

So I may not be able to call myself a "yogi" rather I am one who teaches yoga.  I may end up lifting my fork to my mouth one day and getting the message that its time to put the meat down.  Everything changes. Its called non-attachment. The thing I am most grateful about going on the journey of not eating meat to eating meat is that now I have tolerance and understanding for all paths of eating styles.  Just as I respect others choices for how they choose to eat all I ask is the same in return.

Here is to finding balance in all ways...........

Eating doesn't have to be stressful.  Go within and listen.


Thy Food is Thy Medicine!

A Photo Journey: The First 10 Days. Proof that Food Heals The Body and Emotions. Its Written On My Face....

 "It is not hard.  Don't you dare tell us this is hard.  Beating cancer is hard.  Birthing a baby is hard.  Losing a parent is hard.  Drinking your coffee black.  Is.  Not.  Hard.  You have done harder things than this, and you have no excuse not to complete the program as written.  It is only thirty days, and it is for the most important health cause on earth-the only physical body you will ever have in this life time."-Whole 30 Program Rules

I have the above quote on my refrigerator along with several other Whole 30 PDF information sheets to keep me motivated.  I literally read that quote every time I go to the refrigerator.  Sometimes it pumps me up and other times I want to throw a fist into the paper.  A reoccurring thought that does come up when I read that is, "Have these people ever been addicts?" "Have these people ever experienced an eating disorder or dis-ordered eating?" Damn straight it is hard to break a food dependency.  I've broken a drug dependency easier than food.  No.  I have never birthed a child but I have read several comments from women who have that have shared that giving birth was in fact easier than going 30 days with eating just whole foods and giving up those emotionally soothing foods.

I embarked on this Whole 30 not to lose weight or to do another body cleanse.  I did it because I need the extra discipline and motivation to keep me from eating the foods that I love but that are harming my body and feeding pathogens that are stripping me of my well-being.  I am also doing this to allow myself to get to another level of my healing process.  I know I have a deep connection to food as source of safety and comfort and companionship.  I also know this is connected to deep unresolved abandonment issues.  I have already touched on this pain within the first few days of eliminating certain foods and trying to break certain routines that are connected to food and soothing this pain.  I have known this pain has been within and have been slowly healing it.  I believe because I have been present to that pain is why this time I am feeling the emotional dependence so much deeper.  Which is good.  I need too.  Yet it is truly painful.

I did not have the energy or focus to start writing when I began on Day One.  I don't generally like to blog about something I am going through in real time as I feel it is important to honor my process.  I am however going to start sharing highlights of my day to day journal which will include awareness's, insights, and information pertaining to gut health and its effects on the brain and depression, emotional trauma and food issues, good food choices to support a recovery program, and of course self-love.

Days 1-10:

You will see below in the photos the outward manifestation of what is going on in my gut and why I had to do this.  Nothing else was getting through to me.  After years of taking NSAIDS (anti-inflammatory over the counter pills such as Excedrine, Advil, Etc) my stomach lining wore away leaving my body unprotected from toxins, food particles, and other pathogens that normally stay in the gut.  They are now running free in my blood stream. This is called intestinal permeability or "leaky gut."   I have also been dealing with an imbalance in my gut flora AKA candida albicans which also has an affect on gut health and body inflammation.  Intestinal permeability (leaky gut) and candida albicans are body imbalances that feed off of each other.  Both create systemic inflammation in the body.  If one is present it can create the other.  Both can contribute to joint and muscle pain, skin outbreaks, emotional imbalances including depression, uncontrollable urges to eat sugar and carbs, IBS, head aches, and a whole host of other symptoms.

I have known about these issues and I had tended to the candida issue last fall but did not stick to it.  It is something that takes a minimum of three months sometimes up to a year or two to heal from.  I gave it just shy of three months and did the old " I am feeling better" routine and fell off of my program.  Eventually my symptoms came back.  I will explain more about candida albicans in a later blog post as I feel it is important for everybody to be aware of- especially people recovering from drugs, food, and alcohol addictions.

I believe my body finally had enough of me not listening to it.  I know it wants some relief from all of the invaders within it.  It would send me signals here and there via food intolerance's, achiness, feelings in my stomach, mood swings, headaches, loss of energy.  It started out gentle in its messages but in the end it spoke loud and clear on my face.

I have always had issues with break outs on my face.  As far back as I can remember in my early 20's I have dealt with break out after break out.  It has always been a part of my life.  I have gone to dermatologists and have been prescribed painful topical medications, I have contributed to my candida outbreak by taking birth control pills filled with anti-biotics, I have had painful glycolic peels done in which I would joke that I was "going to get my face burned off today."  Interesting thing is that nothing ever helped except the birth control with the antibiotics.  Not one dermatologist ever suggested to tend to my eating.  Not one mentioned "gut health" or "gut flora balance."  Not one.

So here is a photo of me taken on day one.  I have no make up on and there are no filters on the photos.  This is now what happens to my face if I eat anything that may irritate my gut.  I will go into all of that in a later blog post.  I wanted to show this because I have no other choice but to listen to my body.  This is why I chose to do this Whole 30 program.  I don't believe my life will change or my skin will completely heal in 30 days.  I am a realist.  I am doing this for education and for supportive tools to help me make these lifestyle changes I need too because I can't do this alone.  It is overwhelming emotionally and physically.

Day 0

Day 0
Words cannot describe how tired I feel here and will continue to feel for the next few days.  Between Day one and four I will discover just how much food has been a de-stressor for me when I get home from work.  I will feel the utter frustration and grief of not being able to "reach out."  I will feel on a whole new level how connected my feelings of abandonment are to food.  I will also dis-cover how my brain has been truly stuck in high beta fight or flight levels and I did not even realize it until I took away my de-stressing food.  I will share more about the neurofeedback sessions this led me to finally do.

I took these photos the night before I committed to starting the Whole 30 program.  I believe I feasted on plenty of chips this day.  Chips are a huge love of mine emotionally...physically not so much:(

Day 4

Going through mornings of waking up with blood sugar imbalances-not fun.  Also having to eat something every couple hours because of blood sugar crashes.  Luckily I have been through this adjustment phase before and knew not to keep any food in the house that would give me an excuse to go crazy eating because of a "blood sugar crash."  I didn't even try to look for my husbands secret stash.  This time I had plenty of fresh cut veggies and avocado dressing to snack on while I would fix my breakfast and deal with the uncomfortable nature of the blood sugar imbalance.  Also bone broth that i am eating to help rebuild my stomach lining is helpful also to get blood sugar rebalanced.  The body at this point is freaking out looking for sugar to burn and the candida is flipping out looking for food which is sugar.  I want my body back for me!

Day 4

Day 4

I tried my best to stand in the same place with the same lighting and of course no filters on the photo!

Day 6
Did I mention that while I was going these initial days I was working in a restaurant. It is one of the many hats I wear:)  I spent the first three days surrounded by everything I could not consume.  So not only could I not eat wheat, grains, sugar, and just about everything else except veggies and meat and sweet potatoes I had to serve all the foods I could not eat.  That means my mind was going through its Rolodex of excuses when my blood sugar would be getting wonky.  "Just eat those home ade chips.  A blueberry pancake would help me feel so much better.  Just drink a coke it will give you the energy to make it through the shift.  You can start again tomorrow."  I pack my lunch everyday.  No flippin excuses.

Day 6
Not much smiling going on this day!

Day 6
I am feeling a bit more calm.  Blood sugar is leveling out.  Body is adjusting to burning fat and not sugar.  Neurofeedback sessions seem to helping my brain to remain calm.  I just had no clue the way my brain was operating was not normal.  I am still pretty irritated at this point but emotionally I am stable.  This is about the time I had my realizations about how my snacking is more about "hiding".   Instead of reaching out to connect and talk with someone I choose to snack.  Why?  It is non-threatening.  It is safe.  My chips won't abandon me. Plus sometimes I just don't want to be around people.  I am an introvert.  Snacking in this way keeps me in the familiar limbo place of dis-empowerment.  If I stay in the struggle between eating what is emotionally healthy and supportive of my body and eating what harms me I don't have to take responsibility.  The yo-yo place is familiar.  Its a emotional struggle but its familiar and safe.

This is the result of six days of not eating gut irritating foods including ALL grains including pseudo grains such as quinoa, millet, amaranth.  I am not eating legumes/beans.  I have also eliminated ALL sugars (I have an extensive list of all the names of different forms of sugars to look out for....its exhausting just looking at it.)  I am also not eating any nightshades including white potatoes and tomatoes and of course NO dairy products and because I am also tending to this candida imbalance I have to eliminate fruit also...except occasional green apples in a juice.

Why would I subject myself to such torture?  A picture is worth a thousand words.  See above.  

All healing begins within.   

No.  This will not be a forever diet.  It is a way of eating that will assist my body in healing so perhaps one day it can tolerate the foods I so enjoy.  It is also a way of eating that will assist me in healing the emotional ties and dependence I have on certain foods.  It is also a way for me to learn more about the connection between the gut and the brain.

I can stay where I am in frustration and misery.  I can pop a pill to cover it up or I can bitch up about it for years.  I am choosing to address it from the inside-out.

  

Day 10  Still Tired
This is where I revisit my main reasons why I even chose to do this besides the obvious I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE I HAVE CHICKEN POX ON MY FACE!
1.  I choose to know what vibrant health feels like
2. I choose to continue to heal this abandonment issue and the part food plays in it
3. I am sick and tired of feeling like my body is attacking me from the inside out (leaky gut)
4.  I choose to build strength in my body through new ways of strength training
5.  I choose to know what life is like feeling energized
6.  I choose to be emotionally balanced through balancing my blood sugar levels
7.  I choose to have the least amount of headaches as possible
8.  I choose to tend to my recovery program by addressing the foods and drinks that could contribute to relapse
9.  I choose to learn how to fix whole food dishes and to make life supporting food choices
10.  I choose tp practice dis-ease prevention by learning how to eat properly
11.  I choose to not be a food source for candida and claim sovereignty over my body

Day 10

Day 10

What is the Whole30?

From the Whole 30 Website

Established by Dallas and Melissa Hartwig (of Whole9) in April 2009, the Whole30® is our original nutritional program designed to change your life in 30 days. Think of it as a short-term nutritional reset, designed to help you put an end to unhealthy cravings and habits, restore a healthy metabolism, heal your digestive tract, and balance your immune system.

Certain food groups (like sugar, grains, dairy and legumes) could be having a negative impact on your health and fitness without you even realizing it. Are your energy levels inconsistent or non-existent? Do you have aches and pains that can’t be explained by over-use or injury? Are you having a hard time losing weight no matter how hard you try? Do you have some sort of condition (like skin issues, digestive ailments, seasonal allergies or fertility issues) that medication hasn’t helped? These symptoms may be directly related to the foods you eat—even the “healthy” stuff.

So how do you know if (and how) these foods are affecting you? Strip them from your diet completely. Cut out all the psychologically unhealthy, hormone-unbalancing, gut-disrupting, inflammatory food groups for a full 30 days. Let your body heal and recover from whatever effects those foods may be causing. Push the “reset” button with your metabolism, systemic inflammation, and the downstream effects of the food choices you’ve been making. Learn once and for all how the foods you’ve been eating are actually affecting your day to day life, and your long term health.

- See more at: http://whole30.com/step-one/#sthash.tKt84N31.dpuf

It is a very simple and direct program that provides an abundance of online information, support, recipes, and the right amount of hard love and discipline that is needed to embark on a journey of shifting ones diet.  It is closest to the "paleo" way of eating but you can also follow it if you are vegetarian/vegan or following an autoimmune protocol such as myself.  It is best if you purchase and read the book,  It Starts With Food by Dallas and Melissa Hartwig.  Alot of what is in the book can also be found on the Whole 30 website but to really jump into the scientific reasons behind why grains, gluten, sugars, dairy, and other certain foods contribute to a host of dis-eases, pains, inflammation, allergies, intolerance's, and hormonal/emotional imbalances that most doctors are quick to prescribe pills for.  This book is simple and to the point.  The Whole 30 program invites you to follow their way of eating for 30 days.  It is to change the way you think about food, change your habits and cravings, change your tastes, and quite possibly change the emotional relationship you have with food and your body.  

Yes you eat food.  Plenty of it.  Meat, seafood, eggs, vegetables, some fruit, and PLENTY of good fats from oils, nuts, and seeds.  Unless you are me and cannot eat nuts, seeds or eggs right now:)

No you cannot eat junk food.  The point of eliminating junk food and all sodas is to regain a healthy metabolism, reduce systemic inflammation, and help you discover how these foods truly impact your health, fitness, and quality of life.  This means no junk.  No sugar of any kind. No sugar substitutes. No sugar alcohols.  No paleo-fying foods or making gluten free versions of your old comfort foods.  NO PANCAKES, cupcakes, donuts, bread, pastas, and just about everything that right now you would probably rather die than give up eating.  

If you sign up for the daily e-mails it is most helpful as they know pretty much what you will feel like on each day.  Thousands of people have gone through this and they have compiled results.  Each e-mail provides support, educational tools about eating, recipes, and organizing and planning meals.  How to navigate restaurants and workplaces.  How to deal with family and social outings and some good old fashioned no-nonsense discipline.

www.whole30.com

Just as I was finishing this post up my husband came home from being gone all weekend and said, "I know you may not feel it but I can definitely tell a difference in your skin and you have a glow."  Yay Day 10!

Onto Day 11 and a many new discoveries I will be sharing about on this journey.  

Thank you for your support!

What Lies Beneath The Two Most Disempowering Words Of My Every Day Vocabulary….

It's Okay.


These two small words seem harmless.  After all they are just two words and they are generally positive.  So why would I call these two of the most dis empowering words of my personal vocabulary?  It is not necessarily the words themselves as it is the underlying motivation for their use.  If I think about it life is really lived day to day and moment by moment by not what is actually said but rather what is below the surface in the subtext.  For me personally I have come to a profound awareness of how much I devalue myself on a daily basis when I speak the words, "It's okay."

What do I mean by this? 

Sometimes it is natural and proper to answer someone with, "it's okay."  It is a harmless phrase for most intents and purposes.  When I find it harmful and dis empowering is when I use it as a way to excuse away someones lack of respect for me.

I did not make this connection until about a week ago when I was working on a trauma timeline assignment upon recommendation of my therapist.  It was an intense project to work on and not for the faint of heart to have to look at.  As I was looking at the patterns of experiences that happened to me over the past 30 some years I could literally feel myself  shrinking inside.  In fact that is exactly what happened to me over the first 30 years of my life.  I shrunk.  My true-inner- child-magical- self literally curled up in a ball within to hide away from a world of pain that was to much to bear.  A false self was created.  Walls were constructed around her. The magic was buried.  The child went into hiding from a cruel world she felt did not care for her. 

 As I was reading this time line I felt my insides shrink.  I felt my shoulders slump even more.  I was reminded again of that part of me that does not feel worthy of existence. There is still a part of me that does not believe in my inherent value as a human being.   That little girl within is still holding tight to the past. That belief that she does not matter. Apparently even though I have done tremendous self-healing work in this area there is still more work to do to assist with shifting this belief.  It is a strong one in me!  My inner child still holds this perception that was created by a lifetime of experiences that kept reinforcing in her that she is not worthy.  It is no matter that the adult intellectual part of me understands I AM worthy and I have value.  It is not the conscious that runs my programming, it is my subconscious.  It is the patterns that were created when I was young.  As I wrote above life is really lived in the subtle.... in what lies beneath.

 For some reason going over that time line helped me realize one of the major ways I have still been reinforcing the belief that I don't matter and I am not worthy.  I do it by how I respond when people disrespect or take advantage of me.  One specific way I know I do this is when I let people take advantage of me is with my time.  Or if I pay for a service that I was not happy with and don't speak up about it.  Another way is women not returning my phone calls when I reach out to make a connection or reach out for support. 

 I know I call these people and situations into my life because they act as reinforcers of my personal belief system.  I have caught on that their are certain people that repeatedly make me wait far past my scheduled appointment times.  These people keep doing it because I let them.  I give them permission.  When they say, "I am sorry for making you wait"and I respond with slumped shoulders and an automatic, "Oh, it's okay" I am telling them how to treat me.  I am telling them to keep doing it to me.  Another way is when I reach out and call women to make a connection in my recovery program and do not get a return phone call.  When I confront them later and ask if they received my message I usually get an,"I am busy or I am not good at calling people back" response.  In which I respond with, "Oh, it's okay."

The thing is:  IT IS NOT OKAY!

Every time I say those words what I am really saying is:

 "Oh, no worries.  I don't want YOU to feel bad or awkward or anything strange.  Its okay.  I don't really matter anyway.  I am used to it.  Keep going ahead and doing it to me.  It is just who you are  and I accept it.  I know you are busy and important and have many other things to do and people to talk too. I totally accept being treated like that.  It doesn't matter because I know I don't matter.  Its just my reality.  I'm used to it.  Don't even worry about it."

That is really what i am saying when I say, "It's Okay."

The day after I made this realization I had the opportunity to experience the power of NOT speaking those two words.  I found myself at a gathering with other women that are part of a that recovery program I spoke of.  I happened to pass one of the women as she was leaving.  I wasn't going to say anything to her but something in me pushed me forward.  I simply asked her if she had gotten the voice mail I had left for her a week or so earlier asking her if we could meet for tea so I could get to know her better.  It took her a few moments until she responded with, "Oh yes. I am sorry.  I am bad at calling people back. Just ask so and so. I have been busy."  I could feel my automatic response wanting to burst out of my lips, but, instead I just stood there and listened.  I didn't say those two words.  I refused.  It was strange.  It felt strange in my body, but, I held my ground. Yes. I new she was a busy lady but....... so am I.  Before she departed I did compliment her on the pants she was wearing.   I then felt a surge of energy burst forth.  It felt strange and good.  I felt happy.  It was like my true self peeked out for just a few moments.  My inner child heard me not de-value her. It wasn't in what I said.  It was in what I didn't say that spoke the loudest to my inner child and let her know, she mattered!

What has also been a profound awareness is how much I have done certain things to other people that do not honor their value.  Yes.  I admit it.  I would be completely out of integrity if I wrote this post and did not take responsibility for doing some of the same things that hurt me to other people.  I am telling myself today, IT IS NOT OKAY to do that to others. It is part of the lesson I have to learn about values.  Every human deserves the right to know and understand they matter just by right of being born.  Every human being has a value because they were created by the divine.  If I want my inner child/my subconscious patterns to continue to shift I have to not only build that sense of worth in myself, but also  do things that help build it in others.  In a balanced way that is honoring both people.  This can be done by simple actions such as calling someone back, respecting someones time, or simply asking how someone is feeling. 

It is going to take some work for me to break out of that pattern of saying, "Its okay."  Now that I am aware of it I am seeing just how much I allow myself to say it.  It is hard not to be frustrated by it but I just keep reminding myself that it takes time to undo a belief pattern that has been a lifetime in the making.

It really is fascinating when I stop and think about just how much the truth does reside in the subtle. 

In the unspoken.

In the subconscious.

In the subtext.

"It's okay"   

Is it?  Really?

If you are reading this post think about some of your go to responses. The automatic ones that just burst out of your mouth.  You know the one.  The one that is a mask.  Notice today and tomorrow when you say those words or phrase.  Is it empowering or disempowering?  What are you really saying?   Go ahead. It's okay. When I say those two words this time I mean it!   

What lies beneath….. 

The Truth is What Will Set Us Free!

Depression: A Fight That Cannot Be Won But There Is Something That Can Be Done..

"There is no sun without shadow, and it is essential to know the night. -Albert Camus, "The Myth of Sisyphus"

"He who learns must suffer,
Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget,  falls drop by
drop upon the heart and in our own despair, against our will,
comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.  -Aeschylus, Agamemnon

"One heals suffering only by experiencing it to the full." -Marcel Proust

I am sitting at my desk on a snowy Monday morning here in Nashville, Tn.  Yes.  It is snowing here, finally!  It is peaceful outside as the last few flakes of this long awaited snow storm falls.  Some unfortunate humans have spent the morning chipping ice off their over sized metal tanks they call automobiles so they can make their daily commute into the daily grind. While others spent moments in conflict as to whether or not to use this fine day as an excuse to stay home.  And some did.  I was called off of work. The birds are chirping away outside and the squirrels are catching air from tree to tree.  The animal kingdom unfazed by the fresh blanket of white snow that has brought a hush to the neighborhood.  The squirrels play on.  The birds peck for bugs and worms in the frozen ground.  Nature in perfect harmony.

Meanwhile inside the pink room on Barksdale Harbor Dr……….

I am sitting in my office and thinking about the events of this past weekend and how once again I was reminded of how much:  DEPRESSION SUCKS!  I have not felt in harmony with nature or like running and skipping or chasing anyone from tree to tree.  No.  Not me.  Not for the past few days.

Depression.

I have had to deal with this on and off for most of my life.  I have been on anti-depressants and off of them.  I have explored every conceivable unhealed core issue there is in me.  I have researched the effects of my gut health in connection to my brain as a cause.  I have learned about how depression is a separation from universal love and a call from my soul.  I know certain substances I took in college really messed up my brain chemistry.  I know depression is a call to go inwards and see what needs to be tended to in life that is out of alignment.  I know its possibly frozen anger or unattended to grief.  I know it could be one or all of the above at once.

It doesn't make it any easier knowing any of the above are possibilities.  Sometimes it just plain sucks.

This weekend was bad.  Real bad.  It felt surreal.  I wish there was a word for what the state of being which is feeling 90% numb and disconnected from the world around me and 10% feeling a pit of sadness in the stomach from which I cannot fight because it will win.

I realize there are fortunate souls out there who have never experienced depression.  I am not talking about having an off day because someone or something has made me upset.  I am talking about
D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N.  Only those who have experienced real depression know the pain of what I speak.

This weekend was a reminder to myself about what to do when depression creeps up and takes a hold.  I actually did go back and read my own blog posts from a couple years ago and I must say they were great reminders. Dealing With Depression: Part One and Dealing With Depression: Part Two  The part I needed to be reminded about the most was to:

 LET MYSELF BE DEPRESSED. 

I was not doing that for the first half of Saturday.  I was fighting it.  Also, I was not only dealing with being depressed but I also was dealing with the inner conflict of feeling bad because I was depressed.  The shame of it.  Talk about a war within.

I spent a good part of Saturday morning at the library.  What a shocker  to find myself in the health and healing section reading books on "healing emotions".  I really didn't mean too.  Honestly.  I actually went in to pick up a copy of Wuthering Heights.  I found it and before I knew it I ended up in the self-help section.

Yes.  The self-help section.  I put myself on a self-imposed ban from that section but something led me over there.  I ended up glossing over all the book titles that just seemed to scream at me, "Pick me. Pick me.  I have the answer.  I'll solve your problem.  I'll take your pain away."  I was not in the mood for the latest "flash in the pan self-help guru" book.  No.  There was a reason I was drawn over there and I soon discovered it.  After ample browsing I ended up settling on two books from authors I have never heard of, but, whom laid out the exact down to earth information I needed to hear at that moment of my depression.  So I took them home.

The three things I was reminded of regarding why my depression cycle happened:

1.  I still have unresolved grief

2.  Triggers set off by unresolved trauma from childhood

3.  Eating food I shouldn't causing depression via a serotonin/flora imbalance in my gut

My friend who is going through a cycle of depression herself texted me and shared something really helpful.  It also was in alignment with a chapter of a book I am reading.  This chapter talks about triggers and how to build a bridge between  unresolved inner child wounds from the past and the present reality of the adult in the present.

This is what my friend shared:

"In depression I am overly sensitive.  I just keep getting my feelings hurt.  I'll need to decide what is real and what is not when I am feeling better."

I totally got that.  For me, when I get triggered it is hard for me to know what is real and in the present moment and what is the perception of my wounded inner child taking me back to a pocket of time that holds unresolved pain.  The subconscious does not know linear time.  So if something triggers me and I have not healed that part of me I will be taken right back to the original pain and that age.  I will regress emotionally.  If I am to far into a depression it is hard for me to distinguish between what is the past (my wounded inner child perception) and what is reality (the adult perception of now).

As the depression lessens I can better distinguish:  "Am I feeling and seeing through the eyes of my wounded inner child (the past) or the eyes of an adult (the present)?"

I do know the best tool for me to use the other day was to: Let myself be depressed.  Once I consciously surrendered to the depression I then allowed myself to share with my husband that I was f'in depressed.  After that I  went upstairs and laid down with my cat and just allowed myself to stare at the wall and be depressed.  Believe it or not in the surrender I was then able to feel a sense of peace.  Not shame for being depressed..but peace.  I didn't try to apply any other tools.  I just surrendered for that day.

The next day I felt the same but was more of a willingness to do something.  I put some essential oils that are recommended for depression in my diffuser and applied them on my body.  I allowed myself to connect to my breath, turned on the music, and allowed my body to move.  I didn't force it.  I allowed it to express what it needed through dance and it didn't fail me. It certainly moved out some deep, stuck energy out through my dance.  I then went and attended a 12 step meeting, and after that went to a Kundalini Yoga class.

I never forced anything.  After I surrendered to allowing myself to be depressed something inside of me knew it was going to be alright….eventually.

There are so many possible reasons people experience depression.  No two people experience depression the same and no two people are going to deal with it exactly the same.  Someone may read this and think I am full of shit.  Which is fine.  This is my experience.  You will have a different one.  I can share tools that have worked for me and perhaps they may help others.  I don't know.  That is not for me to say.  What I do want say is this:  If anyone is suffering from depression right now just SURRENDER to it.  Please don't add anymore shame or inner conflict to your life.  Let it be.  You have to feel it if you want to heal it.   No matter how much you try to fight the reality of it you won't win.  Cultivate acceptance.  One breath at a time.  One day at a time.

I will end this blog with an excerpt from one of the two books that spoke to me this weekend:

Surrendering:  TO LET IT GO, YOU HAVE TO LET IT FLOW

Surrendering is an extension of befriending emotional energy.  It is about allowing emotional energy to flow to its end point.  Surrender is not about becoming passive and saying, "What the hell-I don't give a damn what happens anymore, so I'll just drink this quart of scotch and slobber in my sorrow."  It doesn't mean letting go of your senses or your awareness.  It means  being fully present to emotional energy and letting it pass through your body until it is gone.  A basic axiom of surrender is:  To let it go you have to let it flow.  You can't let go of a dark emotion until you have fully experienced its truth.

-Healing Through The Dark Emotions:  The Wisdom of grief, fear, and despair by Miriam Greenspan

Depression is a call from the soul to learn a deeper truth about self.  First we have to befriend it and listen.  Even if there is only numbness there still is a message.  It's up to you to find your personal way of receiving it.

I am going to go back to watching the squirrels now and enjoy the quiet snow.  There is such peace in the constant of nature.

Be kind to yourself.

Truly.

It will pass.  Nothing in nature stays the same.