The Messy Raw Truth About "Living A Life Authentic." The side they don't show in those photo quotes!

I am really needing to get back to blogging because spirit is downloading but I am not letting it pass through.  Words and thoughts are getting stuck in my bones and cells and although some of them are being journaled out privately, safely, and tenderly for my healing sake other words are asking to be shared.

On my way to work today I felt as if I was going to burst at the seams of my body unless I put these words down.  This topic wanted to be shared and that's the only way I can explain it.  

I couldn't get the images of Facebook memes out of my head.  Those photos of care free empowering images of women with arms wide open to the sky, or falling peacefully off a cliff, or frolicking at a beach just to name a few.  The quotes that adorn the photos are meant to inspire one to be weird, live authentically, let go without anyone even knowing, follow your souls truth and on and on.  Blah Blah. Some of them are lovely. They are gentle reminders and speak to those parts of us that do need to remember.   I feel they are similar to  rom-com movies where the guy and girl get together in the end and ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after.  The idea is sweet and inspiring in the moment, but, these memes don't show the after effects and birthing process of "letting go" and "peeling back the layers of the authentic self". Just like those movies don't show what happens about a month or two after the couple rides off into the sunset. 

Yeah...not quite feeling the frolic right now.

Let me just say though the journey to uncovering the authentic self and following inner truth is just flipping MESSY! Seriously messy. Emotionally, physically, spiritually MESSY! In that journey to un-become so you can be who you are meant to become, whatever that is, upheaval happens. Fears are faced and danced with. People get hurt. People you love get hurt. It is selfish on the surface, but, in the deep layers there is a truth. A truth only you, your soul, and God understand. 

There is confusion. 

Alot of confusion. 

The journey of following ones truth has shown me quickly who my friends are. It has revealed to me that some people can not handle someone living their truth especially if it mirrors back to them what they are not ready to deal with. In my un-becoming I have been shocked at who has ended up being part of  my support system and who has not. It is true what another meme has said, you really do find out who your friends are when the shit hits the fan in your life. When dropping the layers of the false self its fascinating how those that no longer vibrate with you ease fully drop away and those who resonate with the emerging self beautifully appear. 

The unknown is scary. It really is. I'm not one to sugar coat things. My meme would NOT have me frolicking on the beach right now. Mine would be in the woods, covered in dirt, hair tangled everywhere, on my knees connected to mother earth praying. 

Raw. 

Surrendered. 

Maybe a tear or two or three or a hundred would be streaming down. 

Screaming. 

And screaming some more because that is how this beginning journey feels right now. Facing my fears, sacrificing the old self, birthing the new, trying to cause the least pain to others as possible while making choices that in the deepest parts of my body are right and true. Taking the journey to live a life authentic also means navigating the questions from the outside . Those well meaning people who care yet don't and will probably never understand why a souls journey must be made. Why living in integrity means making choices and doing things that don't make sense in a rational way.  It means causing pain to self and loved ones no matter how conscious the choices are being made.

Breaking out of the comfort zone means stepping out into faith. Finding new ground

Give me a break.......

Some days it can feel like there is no ground to walk on and leaps have to be made to find a stable rock to stand on. Some days it feels like I am walking upside down. Some days I don't want to leave the safe comfort of being on my knees asking Goddess to please guide my way.

No. The path to living out the calling of my soul at least in this beginning phase is not as pretty as a Facebook meme. The reality is I want to be alone and grieve. I want to console that part of me that is slowly being put to rest to allow the healed part of me to take charge. I want to grieve for the only life I have known and gather the courage to face what I must and rebirth myself from love not trauma. So I can love others more truthfully. Living a life authentic........ 

I blame it on the Kundalini Yoga:)

This about captures it!

I know that look all to well....

What Lies Beneath The Two Most Disempowering Words Of My Every Day Vocabulary….

It's Okay.


These two small words seem harmless.  After all they are just two words and they are generally positive.  So why would I call these two of the most dis empowering words of my personal vocabulary?  It is not necessarily the words themselves as it is the underlying motivation for their use.  If I think about it life is really lived day to day and moment by moment by not what is actually said but rather what is below the surface in the subtext.  For me personally I have come to a profound awareness of how much I devalue myself on a daily basis when I speak the words, "It's okay."

What do I mean by this? 

Sometimes it is natural and proper to answer someone with, "it's okay."  It is a harmless phrase for most intents and purposes.  When I find it harmful and dis empowering is when I use it as a way to excuse away someones lack of respect for me.

I did not make this connection until about a week ago when I was working on a trauma timeline assignment upon recommendation of my therapist.  It was an intense project to work on and not for the faint of heart to have to look at.  As I was looking at the patterns of experiences that happened to me over the past 30 some years I could literally feel myself  shrinking inside.  In fact that is exactly what happened to me over the first 30 years of my life.  I shrunk.  My true-inner- child-magical- self literally curled up in a ball within to hide away from a world of pain that was to much to bear.  A false self was created.  Walls were constructed around her. The magic was buried.  The child went into hiding from a cruel world she felt did not care for her. 

 As I was reading this time line I felt my insides shrink.  I felt my shoulders slump even more.  I was reminded again of that part of me that does not feel worthy of existence. There is still a part of me that does not believe in my inherent value as a human being.   That little girl within is still holding tight to the past. That belief that she does not matter. Apparently even though I have done tremendous self-healing work in this area there is still more work to do to assist with shifting this belief.  It is a strong one in me!  My inner child still holds this perception that was created by a lifetime of experiences that kept reinforcing in her that she is not worthy.  It is no matter that the adult intellectual part of me understands I AM worthy and I have value.  It is not the conscious that runs my programming, it is my subconscious.  It is the patterns that were created when I was young.  As I wrote above life is really lived in the subtle.... in what lies beneath.

 For some reason going over that time line helped me realize one of the major ways I have still been reinforcing the belief that I don't matter and I am not worthy.  I do it by how I respond when people disrespect or take advantage of me.  One specific way I know I do this is when I let people take advantage of me is with my time.  Or if I pay for a service that I was not happy with and don't speak up about it.  Another way is women not returning my phone calls when I reach out to make a connection or reach out for support. 

 I know I call these people and situations into my life because they act as reinforcers of my personal belief system.  I have caught on that their are certain people that repeatedly make me wait far past my scheduled appointment times.  These people keep doing it because I let them.  I give them permission.  When they say, "I am sorry for making you wait"and I respond with slumped shoulders and an automatic, "Oh, it's okay" I am telling them how to treat me.  I am telling them to keep doing it to me.  Another way is when I reach out and call women to make a connection in my recovery program and do not get a return phone call.  When I confront them later and ask if they received my message I usually get an,"I am busy or I am not good at calling people back" response.  In which I respond with, "Oh, it's okay."

The thing is:  IT IS NOT OKAY!

Every time I say those words what I am really saying is:

 "Oh, no worries.  I don't want YOU to feel bad or awkward or anything strange.  Its okay.  I don't really matter anyway.  I am used to it.  Keep going ahead and doing it to me.  It is just who you are  and I accept it.  I know you are busy and important and have many other things to do and people to talk too. I totally accept being treated like that.  It doesn't matter because I know I don't matter.  Its just my reality.  I'm used to it.  Don't even worry about it."

That is really what i am saying when I say, "It's Okay."

The day after I made this realization I had the opportunity to experience the power of NOT speaking those two words.  I found myself at a gathering with other women that are part of a that recovery program I spoke of.  I happened to pass one of the women as she was leaving.  I wasn't going to say anything to her but something in me pushed me forward.  I simply asked her if she had gotten the voice mail I had left for her a week or so earlier asking her if we could meet for tea so I could get to know her better.  It took her a few moments until she responded with, "Oh yes. I am sorry.  I am bad at calling people back. Just ask so and so. I have been busy."  I could feel my automatic response wanting to burst out of my lips, but, instead I just stood there and listened.  I didn't say those two words.  I refused.  It was strange.  It felt strange in my body, but, I held my ground. Yes. I new she was a busy lady but....... so am I.  Before she departed I did compliment her on the pants she was wearing.   I then felt a surge of energy burst forth.  It felt strange and good.  I felt happy.  It was like my true self peeked out for just a few moments.  My inner child heard me not de-value her. It wasn't in what I said.  It was in what I didn't say that spoke the loudest to my inner child and let her know, she mattered!

What has also been a profound awareness is how much I have done certain things to other people that do not honor their value.  Yes.  I admit it.  I would be completely out of integrity if I wrote this post and did not take responsibility for doing some of the same things that hurt me to other people.  I am telling myself today, IT IS NOT OKAY to do that to others. It is part of the lesson I have to learn about values.  Every human deserves the right to know and understand they matter just by right of being born.  Every human being has a value because they were created by the divine.  If I want my inner child/my subconscious patterns to continue to shift I have to not only build that sense of worth in myself, but also  do things that help build it in others.  In a balanced way that is honoring both people.  This can be done by simple actions such as calling someone back, respecting someones time, or simply asking how someone is feeling. 

It is going to take some work for me to break out of that pattern of saying, "Its okay."  Now that I am aware of it I am seeing just how much I allow myself to say it.  It is hard not to be frustrated by it but I just keep reminding myself that it takes time to undo a belief pattern that has been a lifetime in the making.

It really is fascinating when I stop and think about just how much the truth does reside in the subtle. 

In the unspoken.

In the subconscious.

In the subtext.

"It's okay"   

Is it?  Really?

If you are reading this post think about some of your go to responses. The automatic ones that just burst out of your mouth.  You know the one.  The one that is a mask.  Notice today and tomorrow when you say those words or phrase.  Is it empowering or disempowering?  What are you really saying?   Go ahead. It's okay. When I say those two words this time I mean it!   

What lies beneath….. 

The Truth is What Will Set Us Free!

My 12 Step Journey: Leaving The Only Thing That Saved My Life..WTF?

I will be involving more 12 step wisdom along with personal experience, strength, and hope into my blogs as the days go on.  The following is a very censored and abridged version of what led me into the rooms of a 12 step program.  I save the unabridged version for my birthday meeting share and if I ever go into hospitals or institutions to share my story.  It is an important story-ever changing as the years go by.  There was a small point in time when I convinced myself that I no longer wanted to be identified or associated with "my story." I felt it had become my only identity and it was holding me to the past when I wanted to move forward.  The thing is the as I moved further away from my story I was moving away from where I came from.  I was moving away from the reality of what my life had become and the progress I had made to move out of the mess.  The more I moved away from "my story" the more I moved away from needing, the program. Today I know I don't have to be my story. I just have to observe, honor, and learn from it.

These past couple of years have been a serious roller coaster ride of ups and downs.  I have been deep into trauma recovery, self-esteem, self-love, and disordered eating recovery.  There is, however, one area of recovery that I had not been tending too.  An area of recovery that is the most important because this was the recovery program that saved my life and started it all.  That is the 12 step based recovery program of Narcotics Anonymous.

I do not make it a secret that I am in recovery.  It is such an integral part of my life that to hide it or try to separate myself from it is like hiding a part of who I am.  If I am hiding it I am not living my truth.  Now that is just for me.  I know other people are not as open to share as I am and that is perfect for who they are.

THE SUMMER OF "NOT SO HAPPY HOURS" AND HURRICANE KATRINA

I entered into the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous in the summer of 2005.   I first heard of this 12 step program through someone I met at my first job after moving back to TN.  I do believe the meeting of this person was orchestrated by my higher power.  This person literally stepped in front of me as I was walking in to my first day of on the job training.  He introduced himself and for the next week or so would not leave me alone until I would be his friend.  I finally gave in and when we started talking I soon realized we were the same kind of, "out there." 

In our time together he noticed certain behaviors I was exhibiting and different substances I was taking.  One day he and his girlfriend very gently told me about a program called Narcotics Anonymous, a 12 step based recovery program.  They didn't preach or try to get me to go. They just shared the message.  They planted a seed.  When they shared with me about this program I could not imagine going because I was in no way a druggie.  Nope. Not me.  So time went by and with it lots of money and lots of failed attempts at stopping what I was using.  Along with the inability to control my drug use my actions and behaviors were constantly causing trouble to myself and people around me.  I was getting into one painful, dangerous, and ridiculous situation after another and surrounding myself with nothing but people and environments that would enable my actions.

I realized one day that I really did have a problem.  I did not realize that problem was truly, "me."

When the pain of my life  finally got to great to bear and I had nobody around me that understood what was going on with me I got on my computer and looked up Narcotic Anonymous meetings in Nashville.  I picked one that was sort of close to where I lived and in the daytime.  Not knowing what I was walking into or what on earth this was about I still found the courage to go. I made my way to a noon meeting in a basement of a church.  I sat down and did something I hadn't done in a while, I just listened.

 I honestly don't remember much about those first meetings.  The only things that stand out that I remember are:  I would go, I would leave,  I would go the bar and other things,  I would have regrets, and I would show back up to another meeting.  This went on for a couple of months.  The best thing I did the second half of the summer of 05' was continue to show up to meetings no matter if I had used or not.  If I used I just sat in the meeting, kept quiet, and listened.  Eventually after going to enough meetings and listening to many people share similar feelings as I had as well as  similar past experiences that I had gone through a little something called hope was creeping in to my body.  

After a whole summer of mixing NA with using and reaching a bottom with drugs and relationships that had stripped every ounce of self-esteem and self-worth from me I gave in completely to the program.  On September 1st, 2005 using the strength and hope of the group I picked up a white key tag symbolizing I would try this way of life. "Just For Today."

It was the greatest act of self-love I could do for myself.

The first year I worked the program my life began to change.  I started to gain small shreds of self-esteem and self-respect.  I was also gaining an greater awareness of all the havoc I had wreaked in my life and the lives of others for so long.  I was slowly being taught a new way to live.  I was being taught how to take responsibility for my actions.  I was learning about my assetts as well as my defects.  I was learning how to value myself and others. I was learning how to be honest with myself and others.  I was learning about having an open mind and the willingness needed to make a change.  I was learning how to grow up. 

I cannot speak for other 12 step programs as Narcotics Anonymous is the only one I have experience with.  There is much more to addiction recovery than just putting down the drug of choice.  NA  is a program that teaches about the disease of addiction and the patterns that are associated with it including but not limited to chronic self-centeredness, obsessive and compulsive behaviors, isolation, and a lack of self-acceptance . There is also dealing with how addiction shifts into other areas.  Once I put down my drug of choice I noticed that I would start acting out in other ways-nicotine, food, caffeine, men, etc.   Narcotics does teach about addiction but it is more focused about the nature of recovery.

Narcotics anonymous brings together people from all walks of life.  People who in everyday life may never have crossed paths or would have even thought about associating  with another because of their different  economic status's, career choices, or neighborhoods.  The disease of addiction does not give two shits if you have a white collar or blue collar job, you live in an affluent neighborhood or the projects, or make six figures a year.  It wants to isolate you, bring you down, and eventually kill you.  Being around other people who understand what this "disease" does is important part of recovery.

DID YOU JUST READ ALL OF THAT?

Yeah.  I did.  I did because I needed too.  Why?  My happy ass got away from the reality of my disease and the community that knew and understood the best what it does and how it can take one down.   

As I got more time clean I started exploring different self-help paths  I also re-discovered a practice from my past called, Kundalini Yoga.  I am not going to go into details of what happened over the  years that I was not active in the program.  At least not in this blog post.  I will say everything was for a reason and it was to assist me in getting to roots of my core issues.

Between years two and three of being in the NA I started to slowly drift away from the program.  I was getting more involved with Kundalini Yoga and in the metaphysical community.  Instead of surrounding myself with people whom I shared this thing called, addiction, with I started surrounding myself with other people who didn't drink or take substances.  They may not have used specific substances, but they also didn't really understand the nature of addiction.  

After spending some time in this other community I started to hear things said to me like, "I don't see you as an addict.  If you keep yourself in that state of repeating, I am an addict, you are always going to stay in that energy.  You have evolved out of that state of being an addict.  Why do you want to be around those people?"  There is more that I kept feeding into but I have already shared the main ones.

What I want to say to these people,whom I know according to their beliefs meant well,  is please please PLEASE research what is all involved with the disease of addiction and the nature of recovery.  I know  personally the word dis-ease had turned me off a number of times which in turn lead me to much denial that I actually had a "disease of addiction." The truth is it does cause a dis-ease of the mind, body, soul, and spirit.  I want to say to these people that before you start judging and making assumptions look into what all in involved in the program.  The workbooks, the community, the sharing, the overall support, the education.  Putting the drugs down is only the beginning.

Part of me wanted to believe what my friends were saying and another part of me knew the importance of the program.  I was living in conflict about being in the program for a long time.  Another part of me is starting to believe it was just what that disease needed to isolate me.  I didn't want to have to call myself an addict or keep repeating it all the time.  I do believe when you keep repeating something you create your reality based on those words...especially if they follow the words, I AM.   I will come to the truth about this the more I work through the program.  As for saying, "I am an addict" everyday I have come to the acceptance of saying, "I am a recovering addict" because that is what I am right now.  I am recovering and that is the truth.  That works for me.

 I  do know I wasn't facing the reality of what truly worked for me in the past.  I was fighting it.  I wouldn't surrender.  I wanted to believe I had healed myself of addiction.  I wanted to believe I could handle life without having to check in and share with a group all the time.  The more I wanted to believe in what others around me were saying the more it created a distance within me from the very program that saved me.   

I don't want to write to much more about this at this time.  There is much I will work out and discover while "working the steps."  I don't know what I finally did that caused the walls of denial to crumble and for me to gain the courage to go back to the rooms and start reconnecting.   Well. Yes. I do.  That is another blog. 

I am thankful that I did not have a relapse on my drug of choice in the time I was gone.  I guess I was to busy tending to other areas that needed healing.  I had created and was teaching a life recovery program called, Recovery Rising.  It is not a 12 step based program, but, it is based on the other areas of recovery I have had years of experience working on.  Having had that program in my life greatly contributed to keeping me clean and it was beautiful service work....it still is.  

The one thing I can say for certain is even though I have clean time I don't have the "12 step recovery."  There definitely is a difference in just being clean and living the 12 step recovery.  I still have my clean time and on October 1st I will have seven years clean.  If you paid attention you will notice its now October and not September....but that is another story:)

I am excited to be reconnected to the program and not just in the shadows.  It has been strange to have to share with others what has been going on and admit I haven't been a part of.   It's hard  being back, but listening to all the experience, strength and hope once again has been giving me encouragement.  It is inspiring to see what working a program does for people-how it changes them for the best.

Something is so different this time for me and I am not questioning it.   I am just embracing it.  I truly believe that I had to tend to the other areas of recovery in my life in order to continue with this program.  I feel like I am home again and this is exactly where I am supposed to be.  I feel the conflict disappearing and sanity coming back. 

My name is Kristianna and I am a recovering addict.

Just For Today:  I surrender.

21 Reminders To Myself of What A Friend Is And Learning How To Be One.

"Life is Relationship and the best form of relationship is friendship."-Sri Bhagavan

"Do I want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future?"-Deepak Chopra

I was time traveling in my head today and thinking about the different types of friendships I have had in my life up until now.  It is hard for me to remember before age 9 what my friendships were like. I do remember the early relationship between my sister and I.  It certainly wasn't one of sisterly love.  In fact I did not really have any model of what it was like to have a close relationship with another girl.  I had no point of reference for when I entered into school and was learning how to form friendships with girls.   That kind of love and affection was not demonstrated in my family.

 I do remember from age 10 and forward most of my friendships.  I never really thought about them until recently.  That is because of my growing awareness of the kinds of friendships I want to have in my life now compared to the kind of relationships I have allowed in my past.

I was surprised about the common thread that ran through the friendships I had growing up.  Many girls that I considered my friends I actually allowed to treat me in a way that was not very kind or respectful.  The thing is the reason I allowed the girls I called friends to continue treating me in the way they did was because I didn't teach them how to treat me.  Nobody taught me.  I honestly thought it was just how life was.

When I was a young girl my Dad would joke around and poke fun at me alot.  I later realized this was about the only way he was able to communicate affection to me.  I thought being treated like that was just normal.  When I was in school I seemed to always be made fun of for one thing or another.  From my name to my hair, my teeth, the way I dressed and other things.  Once again, I thought that was normal.

The friends I had changed through elementary school, middle school, and high school.  The thing that I remember the most about those early school relationships was that I never knew when one of the girls I called my best friend was going to turn on me, stop talking to me, and/or turn our other friends against me.  I even remember one time on my birthday I asked this same girl  to please not pick on me that day or to stop talking to me because it was my birthday.  How messed up is that?

 I wanted friends.  So I accepted it.  Somehow it was how I thought life and friendship was suppose to be.  Make fun of Kristy.  She can take it.  Its just part of the fun.  I just continued being friends and playing the game.  It is not like my whole school experience was tragic.  I did have fun hanging out with the few girls I considered my friends.  I just didn't realize how much I let myself be teased by them or how much I teased back.  I had one best friend in high school.  I was grateful for that friendship.  I loved her and still do.

As I grew up and entered college I created new relationships with new women.  I love these women to this day, but I have to say even in those relationships I allowed myself to be treated in ways that were not respectful and to be fair I know I wasn't respectful towards them at times too.  Have you caught on to the fact that I had no clue about the meaning of values, self-respect, self-worth, or any sense of self-esteem!  I wasn't introduced to those terms until I was in my mid 20's.

I also went along with the behavior of a particular friend through out the years that had hurt me cell deep.  I just lived with the fact that I never received apologies for the hurts I received from them even after sharing my feelings of sadness and taking responsibility for the parts I played.  I simply still continued to be friends.  Even after time passed and we hadn't seen one another  I went back to this person hoping it would be different. Once again I allowed myself to not be valued and treated with the care that I now know should come with the covenant of a friendship.  I know more will be revealed about this one:)

Over the past month I have been doing some deep physical healing, participating in a 21 Day Meditation for Miraculous Relationships, and I have returned to the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous.  The combination of those three things have created an enormous shift in me in regards to the importance of relationships, especially with women.  The physical healing has taken me into a deeper relationship with my body.  The meditation challenge has created an awareness in me of how I want to be treated in relationships, and how I need to treat others in relationships.  It has opened my awareness to the running theme of my past relationships with women and the current state of relationships I have with other women.  The women in the rooms of NA are modeling the respectful ways of communicating with one another and I am paying attention.

One of the journal assignments in the 21 Day Meditation Challenge with Deepak Chopra was to make a list of the qualities I wanted in relationships.  I chose to focus on friendships.  Of course he then reminded me that all of those qualities needed to be cultivated in myself first and I also needed to go out in the world and demonstrate those qualities to others.

I am a beautiful person inside and out.  I am loved and lovable.  I have much love to offer in a friendship.  I am fiercely loyal and when I connect I connect deep.  I am shy and stand offish at first but to those who bare with me and give me a chance I soon open up and start talking.  Today I can say that I deserve relationships that are nurturing, kind, supportive, trusting, fun, and caring.  I don't have to accept a mediocre friendship just for the sake of having a friend in my life.  Those people are called acquaintances.

I know I have to work on how to be a friend too.  There are some areas of friendship that I fall short in.  The biggest one is calling back in a timely manner.  That has bitten me in the ass many times.  I am really aware and working on it.  I am also aware that I have not allowed myself to open up to someone I currently call a friend simply because I  have been afraid of what she would think of me if she got to really know me.  How can I expect someone to trust in me enough to share about their life issues if I am not willing to take my mask off and do so.  This is something else I am tending too.

I am not a perfect friend by any means.  I have alot to learn still and some more fears to move through, my self-esteem is not at 100%.  Today I want to have meaningful, respectful relationships in my life and I know those take work.  I am willing.

The following is a list I have created to remind myself of what friendship is to me:

1.  A friend does not make fun of me.  Doing so in any way would be like making fun of a six year little because in reality that is who is being hurt-my inner child.

2.  Friends share life events with one another both the ups and the downs.

3.  A friend makes time to see you in person even if they live in the same city.  If they care about you as a friend there is always a way to visit.

4.  Friends invite one another out to do things whether it be over a cup of tea, going to a movie, getting nails done, or just walking in the park.

5.  A friend is someone who is happy to be there by your side sharing in special occasions such as  weddings, graduations, baby showers, and other milestone life events.

6.  Friends value spending time together.

7.  A friend is someone who calls just say, "How are you today?"

8.  A friend is someone who calls the other out on their bullshit because they love them.

9.  A friend is someone you can sit with in quiet moments of comfortable silence together and not feel awkward.

10.  A friend is someone who will cradle you in their arms and let you break down in tears while they they rub your back and you soak their shirt in snot.

11.  A friend is someone who will be by your side when someone else has done you wrong.

12. A friend will just listen.

13.  A friend will give advice and be okay if you don't follow it.

14.  A friend will be there for you during heartaches, break -ups, and listen to your nightmare date stories.

15.  A friend may or may not say, "I told you so if you did not follow # 13.

16.  A friend is someone that is an awesome road trip companion.

17.  A friend will sooth you and calm you down behind a dumpster of a rock club because you drank to much and were convinced you were channeling the ghost of Jim Morrison.

18.  A friend will share a bed with you and be kind enough to let you know if she she is gassy.

19.  A friend believes in you no matter what and is your biggest cheerleader.

20. A true friend will be by your side no matter what changes you through.

21.  A beautiful friendship is when you do not see each other for years and when you finally do the relationship simply continues as if no time has passed.


In order to have friends and friendships like the ones I described in the above list I have to continue to nurture the relationship with myself.  I can even give to myself some of the experiences I described above.  It is about building trust with myself.



Some Ways I Am A Friend To Myself First:


1.  I  take the time to listen to my needs and feelings and tend to them.  I write them down if need be.

2.  I make sure I spend time with myself, and do things alone like taking myself to the park, out to eat, or to a movie.

3.   When I am sad or lonely or just depressed I make sure not to do something to numb or try to escape from myself.  I accept and embrace the feelings.  Sad times are the times to prove to myself that I can be there for me and not abandon myself.  I stop, take a deep breath, close my eyes, let the tears fall, and  I embrace myself until I fall asleep.  If I do need to call someone then I will.  Then I will fall asleep:)

4.  I now know that I have the right to stand up for myself and teach others how I want to be treated.

5.  I  take the time to check in with myself and just ask, "How are you today?" I then listen...really listen in the quiet comfortable moments.  Just with myself.

6.  I remind myself of my values and make choices according to them.  When I don't do this I get into crazy situations and experiences.

7.  I don't have to hold onto relationships that are no longer mutually respectable just for the sake of keeping a friend.  I am practicing self- respect, self-worth, and honoring my self by letting it go.  That way I can make room for the types of relationships that I am calling in.  I can make the choice of either gently releasing the person out of my life or just shifting their role  from "friend" to "aquaintance" status.


As the friendship with myself grows then the world around me will reflect that back.  It already is.  I already have evidence of it:)  Relationships are the root of prosperity.  More valuable than money.

Just For Today:  "I will value, respect, love, and honor myself. I will do the same for the relationships in my life. I will be grateful for the friends I have. I will take an active part in my friendships."