A Whole 30 Photo Journey: Days 11-20. "Self Love, Selfishness, Avocados, Grocery Store Anxiety, and Cramps. Yes. Cramps"

Days 11-15

My body may have been taking the photo but I'm fairly certain in my mind I was laying on a beach somewhere licking a bag of Kettle Chips after I consumed them all.  Crunch.

Looks like I came back to reality here. No beach?  Fine.  I will eat my veggies.

This was the week I was dreading.  Every month I have two things I have to endure and one of them doesn't include paying bills.  Every month thanks to me being a woman I have the honor and privilege of going through a process that gives most women the ability to create life.  It is called by many names but I will refer to it as my "moon cycle".  When this time approaches I know a headache will be not far behind.  One that usually lasts 2-2 1/2 days.  Some months it doesn't happen but this month wasn't one of them.  I also have the usual physical pain of cramps.

Both of these physical imbalances would have be an excuse for me to have to take Advil's (NSAIDS) or Excedrin's (NSAIDS) and drink a big coca-cola. The whole point to what I am doing is to rebuild my stomach lining and reduce the inflammation in my gut so I cannot take any of these.  It was not easy for me, but, when put in a position like that forced me to have to look for alternative solutions.  For me the only solution outside of taking Excedrin or ending up in the McDonald's drive through ordering a large coke for the caffeine was to just let time do its thing.  Why would I take Excedrin or drink a McDonald's Coke?  One word: caffeine.  There usually was a 50/50 chance that either the Excedrin or Coke would actually work.  Sometimes they did and other times I would take them purely for psychological reasons.  I felt somewhat of relief for about 30 minutes resting in the hope that if I took in one of those "remedies" I may get relief.  This time I didn't have that.  I just had to wait it out.

 As for the cramps Advil (NSAID) is the only thing that has ever been able to give me relief from my cramps.  Trust me.  I have been enduring this for years and have tried many other products.  Tylenol doesn't even touch it.  The following two rememdies and a change in my diet did touch something.  It is amazing what just a small passing of time can actually do along with two natural remedies.  I have been taking a product called Zyflamend for my body inflammation.  It contains a combination of different herbs to assist in reducing body inflammation including curcumin (tumeric).  I had run out of it and not had a chance to pick up more when my first bout of cramps came on.  I did go out and purchase a bottle and took my first capsule and I would say that it did help.  On that first day of cramps I did an essential oil regimen using Clary Sage.  I applied a few drops on my abdomen area, put a warm washcloth over the oil and applied my relax wrap heating pad to assist in deeper penetration of the oil.  Within 15 minutes the cramps had subsided.   I continued using Zyflamend everyday and can say I only had really bad cramps for one day.  I had minor ones the next day and couldn't do the oil and heating pad when they came on.  I just let time do its thing and moved through it. Guess what they subsided.  I had no more cramps the rest of the week.  As for the headache...well....I love my Relax Wrap neck and shoulder heating pad.  I heat it up in the oven and wrap it around the base of my neck and rest it on my shoulders.  I used that and just did the best I could to move through the pain and eventually it passed.  No NSAIDS!  No caffeine!  I did it!

Ahhh..the Relax Wrap.  Made right here in Nashville, Tn.

 I was also really frustrated during this week.  Not just from my moon cycle but I was getting sick of cooking and then cleaning all the dishes.  Oy!  The dishes.  It takes alot of effort and time to eat like this.  I mean it is how everyone should eat and how we did once upon a time.  It can be difficult to take the time to cook every meal in this fast paced modern western world.  It really sucked having to cook while dealing with a migraine.  I was so over it.  I found myself questioning over and over if this was really going to make any difference to my face or health in general.  My mind was searching for every excuse there was to give up and give in especially since it was my time of the month and my head hurt.  NO!  That is why I had myself put up the PDF's on my fridge.  It's only 30 Days-I can do it!

Days 13-17

I am experiencing crazy mood swings.  I know it is a combination of my blood sugar balancing itself out and the frustration of not being able to eat certain comfort foods.  Also I'm just pissed.  My headache subsided but I still really wanted to reach out for soothing foods.  My brain really wanted me to reach out for chips and when I wouldn't give in then it simply transferred that desire into another food.  I suddenly found myself wanting to eat sweet potato fries a lot.  I did eat them a couple times during my moon cycle because I did need comfort during that time. They were Whole 30 compliant as long as I roasted them in olive oil.  Just like when I knew I was crossing the line from using  prescription pills for what they were intended for I also know when my brain crosses the line with certain foods and what they are intended for.  I can feel it.  It is not only my brain but it is also the candida within me that drives my food choices.  It is the candida that craves the carbs and sugars for its food and survival.  I am taking my body back you little sh*@ts!

I am trying to change the habits I have connected to food.  These 30 days are an opportunity for me to go deeper into these habits and work on shifting them.  The brain doesn't know the difference between refined sugar, high fructose corn syrup, brown rice syrup, fruit juice sweetened, organic cane juice, turbinado sugar, fructose, malitol, xylitol, and whatever else they try to pass off as not being as bad as refined sugar.  My brain knows:

 sugar =getting a high and getting soothed. 

 I do something good and I get rewarded-with food.

 I feel bad and I get soothed-with food. 

I get frustrated I reach out for a handful of....something crunchy.  

I feel abandoned-food is there. 

  Doing something like this is enabling me to change these habits and create new neural pathways in my brain.  It is giving me a no nonsense way of looking at the feelings that drive these responses.  Oh trust me it has been a BITCH!!

During this week I believe there was some frustration come up from my husband.  It is not easy being around someone who is so focused on making a change like this.  Especially if it involves food.  My husband loves food.   He can eat pretty much all the types of food that leave me looking like I have chicken pox on my face.  Part of the fun of being in a relationship is going out to eat, cooking meals, ordering pizza or Chinese take out, snacking together, etc.  So much  of life really does revolve around food.  That part of our relationship has had to shift and will continue to because I don't want to go back to how I was eating even after these 30 days are over.

  He did get mad at me one night and spoke out of frustration.  He shared that I was being selfish and self-centered because all I am is focused on is healing, healing, healing.  "It's all about me and what I am eating and need to do."  I get it.  I am very focused on this.  I admit that it does take a certain level of self-centeredness and selfishness to navigate through something new and intense like this.  I know I have asked alot of him.  I have asked him to hide his snacks and I have taken away the fun and "high" of going out to a restaurant and feasting.  I understand it can be strange being around someone who is eating a certain way and that way is not a way you are eating.  The Whole 30 people do very well to include in their preparation  information the likelihood of this kind of thing happening and what to expect.  I will not let anyone make me feel bad for making choices that are to support my health and well-being.  I will not shrink to make someone else feel more comfortable.   I do have to say we were arguing about other things also.  It is called being married.

My husband has also been extremely supportive of me through this and I am thankful. I could not ask for a more supportive partner.  He is allowed an eruption here and there.  I hope the yummy meals we have been preparing have been some kind of pay off for putting up with this:)   One thing I do enjoy is that because I am taking myself out of my comfort zone to learn new recipes and ways of cooking I am actually preparing  healthy balanced meals for both of us to eat.  I have felt more like a wife in these past couple of weeks in the sense that I am able to grocery shop and have dinner ready-most nights.

My face cleared up a bit more more during Days 13-15.  My skin in general has taken on a sheen that wasn't there before.  The break outs on my arms and chest have cleared.  I have to say my energy levels are still not anywhere near what they speak of happens during a Whole 30.  Then again I am not doing a normal straight forward Whole 30.  I am also using remedies to assist me with candida clearing which requires more energy of my body to assist in the cleansing process.  I have to keep reminding myself of that when I feel I am getting frustrated.

Love This Photo.  No Hiding.  All Natural.
Self-Love

Around Day 16 I felt like I regressed.  My face flared up again, all of my energy was depleted and my whole body was inflamed.  I had just finished up my part time job at a restaurant which calls for alot of physical activity.  I had also taught a Kundalini Yoga class on Day 15 and was tending to many other activities at home while my husband was out on tour.  I also could not figure out why my face was flaring up again.  I was so frustrated.  It then dawned on me....there were two foods that I was eating that I don't normally eat on a regular basis but for the past week I was eating them everyday:  Avocados and Ghee.  

Days 18-20

What you say?  No more Apple Cider Vinegar Avocado Dressing?

Are you kidding me?  Oh.  Is that why these darn red aliens are back on my face?

Okay.  Okay.  What the hell.  Just take everything away that tastes good.  I'll just keep smiling.  Oooh...wow my hair is in a good place. I actually combed it for these photos.  Cool.  Definitely worth smiling about.  Thanks Carrisa:)

Not gonna lie.  I am really craving and extremely frustrated. The funny thing is the foods I am craving are not even junk food anymore.  In fact if I was following a normal Whole 30 I could actually eat the foods I am craving.  If I go into a grocery store now my anxiety level has reduced by 90%.  I used to get very overwhelmed in the grocery store.  I hated it.  I have to always have a list to keep me focused or else the choices would overwhelm me.  Now when I walk into a grocery store all I do is stick to the perimeters where most of the real whole foods are.  What I haven't picked up at the local farmer's market I finish up at the store.  When I do go down the middle aisles now I literally feel assaulted by all of the crap and choices.  Seriously.  Its ridiculous.  No wonder there are so many versions of dis-ordered eating out there.  And EVERYTHING has some form of sugar in it.  I had to quickly grab my organic olive oil and get back to the perimeter where it felt safe.  Fewer choices mean less anxiety.  These past couple of days have been tough physically.  I want to rest but it seems there is just never enough time.  I sure hope the tiredness passes on soon.  I  am tired of feeling tired.

"A way to tell the difference between actual hunger and a craving is to ask yourself if you are hungry enough to eat a fish and vegetable dinner.  If the dinner does not sound appealing to you then you are not hungry it is a craving."  -Whole 30

Days 21-30

I will check back in when after I reach the 30 day mark.  My focus for the next 10 days is to continue to listen to my body signals of what it can and can't tolerate.  I am also paying attention to the deeper issues that are surfacing for me to see now that I don't have certain foods to distract me or hide behind.   I am also going to focus on showing up for myself in regards to exercise and not just yoga.  I know in order to have energy I need to do my part to assist in creating it.  That means not only working on strengthening my pranic and physical bodies, but also increase my cardio.  It is important for me to make lifestyle shifts along with these eating shifts.  

These shifts include:

1.  Getting enough sleep

2.  Making time to be out in nature

3.  Connecting to others more

4.  Making time for play

5.  Knowing when to much is just to much.  

Right now my body can't do it all and that is okay.

So that is it.  I have more revelations to share in my next blog post regarding "letting go"and its not about letting go of almond butter!  I will be ending my Whole 30 in ten days and the next day I will be flying out to NYC.  It will really awesome to celebrate by being able to attend 5 Rhythms Movement classes.  My husband will be playing with the artist he is touring with for one night at B.B. Kings in the city and we will be celebrating a big mile stone birthday of his.  I started this Whole 30 on the new moon of June 27th so I would reach 30 days on July 26th right before I leave.  I will still be maintaining this way of eating even after 30 days.  It really is life changing.  30 Days is really just the beginning.  It is an adjustment phase.

Thank you for you continued support!

Links:

 Why NSAIDS are hard on the stomach and cause intestinal disorders


Read about the benefits of tumeric as an alternative to NSAIDS for body/joint pain, inflammation, and arthritis:
http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2011/04/26/the-spice-that-actually-doubles-as-a-powerful-antiinflammatory.aspx

 Additional Tumeric/Curcumin Benefits

Relax Wraps For Neck and Shoulders And More

Essential Oil Protocol For Menstrual Cramps and More

A Photo Journey: The First 10 Days. Proof that Food Heals The Body and Emotions. Its Written On My Face....

 "It is not hard.  Don't you dare tell us this is hard.  Beating cancer is hard.  Birthing a baby is hard.  Losing a parent is hard.  Drinking your coffee black.  Is.  Not.  Hard.  You have done harder things than this, and you have no excuse not to complete the program as written.  It is only thirty days, and it is for the most important health cause on earth-the only physical body you will ever have in this life time."-Whole 30 Program Rules

I have the above quote on my refrigerator along with several other Whole 30 PDF information sheets to keep me motivated.  I literally read that quote every time I go to the refrigerator.  Sometimes it pumps me up and other times I want to throw a fist into the paper.  A reoccurring thought that does come up when I read that is, "Have these people ever been addicts?" "Have these people ever experienced an eating disorder or dis-ordered eating?" Damn straight it is hard to break a food dependency.  I've broken a drug dependency easier than food.  No.  I have never birthed a child but I have read several comments from women who have that have shared that giving birth was in fact easier than going 30 days with eating just whole foods and giving up those emotionally soothing foods.

I embarked on this Whole 30 not to lose weight or to do another body cleanse.  I did it because I need the extra discipline and motivation to keep me from eating the foods that I love but that are harming my body and feeding pathogens that are stripping me of my well-being.  I am also doing this to allow myself to get to another level of my healing process.  I know I have a deep connection to food as source of safety and comfort and companionship.  I also know this is connected to deep unresolved abandonment issues.  I have already touched on this pain within the first few days of eliminating certain foods and trying to break certain routines that are connected to food and soothing this pain.  I have known this pain has been within and have been slowly healing it.  I believe because I have been present to that pain is why this time I am feeling the emotional dependence so much deeper.  Which is good.  I need too.  Yet it is truly painful.

I did not have the energy or focus to start writing when I began on Day One.  I don't generally like to blog about something I am going through in real time as I feel it is important to honor my process.  I am however going to start sharing highlights of my day to day journal which will include awareness's, insights, and information pertaining to gut health and its effects on the brain and depression, emotional trauma and food issues, good food choices to support a recovery program, and of course self-love.

Days 1-10:

You will see below in the photos the outward manifestation of what is going on in my gut and why I had to do this.  Nothing else was getting through to me.  After years of taking NSAIDS (anti-inflammatory over the counter pills such as Excedrine, Advil, Etc) my stomach lining wore away leaving my body unprotected from toxins, food particles, and other pathogens that normally stay in the gut.  They are now running free in my blood stream. This is called intestinal permeability or "leaky gut."   I have also been dealing with an imbalance in my gut flora AKA candida albicans which also has an affect on gut health and body inflammation.  Intestinal permeability (leaky gut) and candida albicans are body imbalances that feed off of each other.  Both create systemic inflammation in the body.  If one is present it can create the other.  Both can contribute to joint and muscle pain, skin outbreaks, emotional imbalances including depression, uncontrollable urges to eat sugar and carbs, IBS, head aches, and a whole host of other symptoms.

I have known about these issues and I had tended to the candida issue last fall but did not stick to it.  It is something that takes a minimum of three months sometimes up to a year or two to heal from.  I gave it just shy of three months and did the old " I am feeling better" routine and fell off of my program.  Eventually my symptoms came back.  I will explain more about candida albicans in a later blog post as I feel it is important for everybody to be aware of- especially people recovering from drugs, food, and alcohol addictions.

I believe my body finally had enough of me not listening to it.  I know it wants some relief from all of the invaders within it.  It would send me signals here and there via food intolerance's, achiness, feelings in my stomach, mood swings, headaches, loss of energy.  It started out gentle in its messages but in the end it spoke loud and clear on my face.

I have always had issues with break outs on my face.  As far back as I can remember in my early 20's I have dealt with break out after break out.  It has always been a part of my life.  I have gone to dermatologists and have been prescribed painful topical medications, I have contributed to my candida outbreak by taking birth control pills filled with anti-biotics, I have had painful glycolic peels done in which I would joke that I was "going to get my face burned off today."  Interesting thing is that nothing ever helped except the birth control with the antibiotics.  Not one dermatologist ever suggested to tend to my eating.  Not one mentioned "gut health" or "gut flora balance."  Not one.

So here is a photo of me taken on day one.  I have no make up on and there are no filters on the photos.  This is now what happens to my face if I eat anything that may irritate my gut.  I will go into all of that in a later blog post.  I wanted to show this because I have no other choice but to listen to my body.  This is why I chose to do this Whole 30 program.  I don't believe my life will change or my skin will completely heal in 30 days.  I am a realist.  I am doing this for education and for supportive tools to help me make these lifestyle changes I need too because I can't do this alone.  It is overwhelming emotionally and physically.

Day 0

Day 0
Words cannot describe how tired I feel here and will continue to feel for the next few days.  Between Day one and four I will discover just how much food has been a de-stressor for me when I get home from work.  I will feel the utter frustration and grief of not being able to "reach out."  I will feel on a whole new level how connected my feelings of abandonment are to food.  I will also dis-cover how my brain has been truly stuck in high beta fight or flight levels and I did not even realize it until I took away my de-stressing food.  I will share more about the neurofeedback sessions this led me to finally do.

I took these photos the night before I committed to starting the Whole 30 program.  I believe I feasted on plenty of chips this day.  Chips are a huge love of mine emotionally...physically not so much:(

Day 4

Going through mornings of waking up with blood sugar imbalances-not fun.  Also having to eat something every couple hours because of blood sugar crashes.  Luckily I have been through this adjustment phase before and knew not to keep any food in the house that would give me an excuse to go crazy eating because of a "blood sugar crash."  I didn't even try to look for my husbands secret stash.  This time I had plenty of fresh cut veggies and avocado dressing to snack on while I would fix my breakfast and deal with the uncomfortable nature of the blood sugar imbalance.  Also bone broth that i am eating to help rebuild my stomach lining is helpful also to get blood sugar rebalanced.  The body at this point is freaking out looking for sugar to burn and the candida is flipping out looking for food which is sugar.  I want my body back for me!

Day 4

Day 4

I tried my best to stand in the same place with the same lighting and of course no filters on the photo!

Day 6
Did I mention that while I was going these initial days I was working in a restaurant. It is one of the many hats I wear:)  I spent the first three days surrounded by everything I could not consume.  So not only could I not eat wheat, grains, sugar, and just about everything else except veggies and meat and sweet potatoes I had to serve all the foods I could not eat.  That means my mind was going through its Rolodex of excuses when my blood sugar would be getting wonky.  "Just eat those home ade chips.  A blueberry pancake would help me feel so much better.  Just drink a coke it will give you the energy to make it through the shift.  You can start again tomorrow."  I pack my lunch everyday.  No flippin excuses.

Day 6
Not much smiling going on this day!

Day 6
I am feeling a bit more calm.  Blood sugar is leveling out.  Body is adjusting to burning fat and not sugar.  Neurofeedback sessions seem to helping my brain to remain calm.  I just had no clue the way my brain was operating was not normal.  I am still pretty irritated at this point but emotionally I am stable.  This is about the time I had my realizations about how my snacking is more about "hiding".   Instead of reaching out to connect and talk with someone I choose to snack.  Why?  It is non-threatening.  It is safe.  My chips won't abandon me. Plus sometimes I just don't want to be around people.  I am an introvert.  Snacking in this way keeps me in the familiar limbo place of dis-empowerment.  If I stay in the struggle between eating what is emotionally healthy and supportive of my body and eating what harms me I don't have to take responsibility.  The yo-yo place is familiar.  Its a emotional struggle but its familiar and safe.

This is the result of six days of not eating gut irritating foods including ALL grains including pseudo grains such as quinoa, millet, amaranth.  I am not eating legumes/beans.  I have also eliminated ALL sugars (I have an extensive list of all the names of different forms of sugars to look out for....its exhausting just looking at it.)  I am also not eating any nightshades including white potatoes and tomatoes and of course NO dairy products and because I am also tending to this candida imbalance I have to eliminate fruit also...except occasional green apples in a juice.

Why would I subject myself to such torture?  A picture is worth a thousand words.  See above.  

All healing begins within.   

No.  This will not be a forever diet.  It is a way of eating that will assist my body in healing so perhaps one day it can tolerate the foods I so enjoy.  It is also a way of eating that will assist me in healing the emotional ties and dependence I have on certain foods.  It is also a way for me to learn more about the connection between the gut and the brain.

I can stay where I am in frustration and misery.  I can pop a pill to cover it up or I can bitch up about it for years.  I am choosing to address it from the inside-out.

  

Day 10  Still Tired
This is where I revisit my main reasons why I even chose to do this besides the obvious I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE I HAVE CHICKEN POX ON MY FACE!
1.  I choose to know what vibrant health feels like
2. I choose to continue to heal this abandonment issue and the part food plays in it
3. I am sick and tired of feeling like my body is attacking me from the inside out (leaky gut)
4.  I choose to build strength in my body through new ways of strength training
5.  I choose to know what life is like feeling energized
6.  I choose to be emotionally balanced through balancing my blood sugar levels
7.  I choose to have the least amount of headaches as possible
8.  I choose to tend to my recovery program by addressing the foods and drinks that could contribute to relapse
9.  I choose to learn how to fix whole food dishes and to make life supporting food choices
10.  I choose tp practice dis-ease prevention by learning how to eat properly
11.  I choose to not be a food source for candida and claim sovereignty over my body

Day 10

Day 10

What is the Whole30?

From the Whole 30 Website

Established by Dallas and Melissa Hartwig (of Whole9) in April 2009, the Whole30® is our original nutritional program designed to change your life in 30 days. Think of it as a short-term nutritional reset, designed to help you put an end to unhealthy cravings and habits, restore a healthy metabolism, heal your digestive tract, and balance your immune system.

Certain food groups (like sugar, grains, dairy and legumes) could be having a negative impact on your health and fitness without you even realizing it. Are your energy levels inconsistent or non-existent? Do you have aches and pains that can’t be explained by over-use or injury? Are you having a hard time losing weight no matter how hard you try? Do you have some sort of condition (like skin issues, digestive ailments, seasonal allergies or fertility issues) that medication hasn’t helped? These symptoms may be directly related to the foods you eat—even the “healthy” stuff.

So how do you know if (and how) these foods are affecting you? Strip them from your diet completely. Cut out all the psychologically unhealthy, hormone-unbalancing, gut-disrupting, inflammatory food groups for a full 30 days. Let your body heal and recover from whatever effects those foods may be causing. Push the “reset” button with your metabolism, systemic inflammation, and the downstream effects of the food choices you’ve been making. Learn once and for all how the foods you’ve been eating are actually affecting your day to day life, and your long term health.

- See more at: http://whole30.com/step-one/#sthash.tKt84N31.dpuf

It is a very simple and direct program that provides an abundance of online information, support, recipes, and the right amount of hard love and discipline that is needed to embark on a journey of shifting ones diet.  It is closest to the "paleo" way of eating but you can also follow it if you are vegetarian/vegan or following an autoimmune protocol such as myself.  It is best if you purchase and read the book,  It Starts With Food by Dallas and Melissa Hartwig.  Alot of what is in the book can also be found on the Whole 30 website but to really jump into the scientific reasons behind why grains, gluten, sugars, dairy, and other certain foods contribute to a host of dis-eases, pains, inflammation, allergies, intolerance's, and hormonal/emotional imbalances that most doctors are quick to prescribe pills for.  This book is simple and to the point.  The Whole 30 program invites you to follow their way of eating for 30 days.  It is to change the way you think about food, change your habits and cravings, change your tastes, and quite possibly change the emotional relationship you have with food and your body.  

Yes you eat food.  Plenty of it.  Meat, seafood, eggs, vegetables, some fruit, and PLENTY of good fats from oils, nuts, and seeds.  Unless you are me and cannot eat nuts, seeds or eggs right now:)

No you cannot eat junk food.  The point of eliminating junk food and all sodas is to regain a healthy metabolism, reduce systemic inflammation, and help you discover how these foods truly impact your health, fitness, and quality of life.  This means no junk.  No sugar of any kind. No sugar substitutes. No sugar alcohols.  No paleo-fying foods or making gluten free versions of your old comfort foods.  NO PANCAKES, cupcakes, donuts, bread, pastas, and just about everything that right now you would probably rather die than give up eating.  

If you sign up for the daily e-mails it is most helpful as they know pretty much what you will feel like on each day.  Thousands of people have gone through this and they have compiled results.  Each e-mail provides support, educational tools about eating, recipes, and organizing and planning meals.  How to navigate restaurants and workplaces.  How to deal with family and social outings and some good old fashioned no-nonsense discipline.

www.whole30.com

Just as I was finishing this post up my husband came home from being gone all weekend and said, "I know you may not feel it but I can definitely tell a difference in your skin and you have a glow."  Yay Day 10!

Onto Day 11 and a many new discoveries I will be sharing about on this journey.  

Thank you for your support!

In A NYC Dance Studio: I Sweat My Prayers, Danced With God, and Found Myself.

Dance till you shatter-Rumi


It has now been two years since my life as I had known it "shattered." I have been on a journey of piecing back together all parts of myself in a new way since October 22, 2011.  Recovering from emotional trauma takes a great deal of time, gentleness, patience, and a willingness to try different things to assist one in making sense of self and the world.  The journey that I have been on to recover the lost parts of myself over the past couple of years has taken me to therapists, treatment centers, various yoga sets, creative art classes, energy healers, chiropractors, natural healers, and of course this journey introduced me to the healing power of dance.  In particular, the movement as meditation, practice that is known as The 5 Rhythms.

 I discovered this practice while I was house sitting deep in the woods about 30 miles outside of Nashville.  I was grateful for the time I was given to be with me and the ability to be able to connect and rest in the womb of Mother Nature.  The time and space spent in nature allowed me to be with the confusion and pain that was permeating through my being at the time and assisted me with connecting to what I needed to do to heal me.

"Traveled The Good Red Road To The House"

  I remember one day I was sitting in the house drenched in sadness.  Intuitively  I knew I needed to start moving my body, but the regimented practice of the style of yoga I was practicing was not what it needed.  I needed something different.  I happened to get up from the couch I was on and go and google tthe 5 Rhythms.  I thought of the 5 Rhythms only because a year earlier a student came into the studio I taught at and was inquiring about possibly holding a 5 Rhythms Movement gathering there.  Due to the type of floors that were in the studio at the time she opted not too.  That meeting seemed to plant some kind of seed in me.  After that meeting with her I went home and looked up what the 5 Rhythms was about.  I remember  reading about the practice through the 5 Rhythms web site, but, at that time I just didn't get it.  I wasn't ready.

 A year later.

Deep in the woods.

 Nowhere to go.

 Looking through different eyes.

I  read the information on the website again. This time I seemed to be able to understand what the practice was about.  I remember watching a video of Gabrielle Roth, the creator of the 5 Rhythms, speaking about the purpose of the rhythms.  I had tears streaming down my face while listening to her and the call from my soul to get up and dance the rhythms was unlike anything I had felt before.  If I was going to get reacquainted with my body this was how I would start.  So I put on music and moved.

 I didn't really know what i was suppose to do.  I just watched the videos I could find on line,  looked up what I could about what each rhythm was about, and then I just danced.

That House In The Woods

My Dance Floor

 I danced in the rain.

 I danced around the fire pit.

I danced with the trees as my partners.

 I danced under the moon.

I danced in the mud.

Best of all I was dancing with myself.

 I was dancing back into my body.

Eventually I bought the book, Sweat Your Prayers by Gabrielle Roth.  Reading about the rhythms took me to a whole new understanding of the practice.  I learned about the disowned parts of myself.  Each of the rhythms actually have various archetypes connected to them and these archetypes represent different part of the self.  As soon as I read what archetypes were associated with each rhythm I immediately knew which parts of me needed to be reclaimed.  I knew one of those parts was my masculine/father energy.  I would own the rhythm of staccato:)

From that time in the woods until now I have continued to practice the rhythms.  There are no teachers in Nashville and no official groups that gather.  Last March by divine chance I happened to get an e-mail from someone that was advertising a 5 Rhythms Workshop coming to Nashville.  It happened to be only two days away.  What a miracle.  I attended and it gave me my first experience of really dancing the rhythms in a group.  It was powerful.  I was grateful.

 Nothing could prepare me for what I would experience with dancing the rhythms in a classroom in NYC just three months later.........


It amazes me that I have lived in New York City five different times since I was 18 and not one of those times did this movement practice come into my life.  It's strange to think I could have opened my apartment door and strolled just a few blocks to a studio and been part of a class every night.  Yet, back then I walked out my door  and strolled into the gym next door to work with a personal trainer and sweat in cardio- kick boxing classes.

"Machines don't call me.  I'm not a member of the gym.  The reality is I demand more from my workouts.-I want God.  When I dance I feel the presence of a divine force and this is my addiction.  Feeding it is as simple as putting on the right music and letting go.  Doing what I have come to call "the five rhythms" is the surest way to drop whatever you are carrying and to move beyond your baggage to a new you, a new body, one that is fueled by soul." -Gabrielle Roth, Sweat Your Prayers

So this past June I went back up to NYC.  The first time since my "shattering."  It was different.  I was different.  I had visited the city a couple times after moving away in 2001 but now everything within me had shifted.  I was now seeing the city through different eyes and taking in its energy through different senses than before.

On a grey, cloudy Sunday morning I had the pleasure of strolling by myself from my old neighborhood on the east side over to the West Village.  I stopped to sit in Union Square Park and did a bit of journaling.  That park has been a part of my life journey since I was a lost and lonely 18 year old from a small town in Pennsylvania trying to make sense of the living in a city. I ate many turkey sandwiches on the steps during my lunch breaks from classes at Lee Strasberg Theatre Institute, I have wandered the farmers market many times and delight in how it has grown since the early 2000's, and this park has welcomed me back to its benches every time I have returned to visit.   The buildings around the square have changed since 1994 but the benches, and the memories they hold, have remained the same.

 After visiting with my old park friendI left and  continued walking the streets, taking in the energy of the city, and honoring the memories of a time and a person I was long ago.

 I soon  found the dance studio that was hosting the class and stood outside.  I snapped a picture of a flyer on the studio door that was a 5 Rhythms advertisement.  The picture captured a reflection of a grand church that was behind me.  This  photo perfectly represented the experience that was going to come.  I was literally about to attend "church."

"The Church of Dance"

When I entered into the studio there was already a good group gathered.  The teacher had a pa system set up and already had music playing.  People started floating into the studio.  Everyone seemed to know what to do.  There was no instruction.  Just music and space.  I couldn't help but to notice right away a woman sitting on the floor against a pillar.  She looked primitive.  She was sitting with her feet flat on the floor, knees spread wide, eyes closed.  A slight grin of what seemed like ecstasy was spread across her face.  It literally looked like she was in the act of foreplay with some invisible force.  I was confused.  The cells within me that held old Puritan beliefs from my ancestors about the body and sexual expression must have caused me to roll my eyes and feel a discomfort within me at the site of her.  I wasn't expecting to feel like that.

There were people of all ages, shapes, sizes.  Men.  Women.  People with missing limbs.  All coming together to experience this movement practice.  To know themselves.  To know themselves in relation to others.  And to discover it all on the dance floor.

"Warming Up"

As I began to connect to the music and let the rhythm of flowing move through me the excitement of being there began to fade and was soon replaced with the experience of awkwardness in my body.  I couldn't let myself flow.  It was difficult for me to move.  It is never difficult for me to move.  My body was resisting.  I was self-conscious.  Nervous.  It hit me that I didn't know anybody.  I was an outsider.  I didn't know what was going on.  Part of me wanted to run.  I suddenly felt like I didn't belong.  What the hell was I doing here?  My core issues were coming forth.  The experience was beginning.  Shit. Shit. Fuck.

I remembered the passage from the book,  Sweat Your Prayers that had Gabrielle sharing about a woman who was dancing the rhythm of chaos.  This woman had a vision of herself as a little girl who couldn't have fun.  While dancing she tried to make herself have fun.  Gabrielle had said that was not a good idea.  Rather than imposing a feeling upon her dance, she should enter into the dance that she was avoiding, the dance of not having fun, and dance it fully, dance through until it changed.

"There are no good or bad or better or worse dance; there is only the dance itself."- Gabrielle Roth

So I did.  I danced the awkwardness.  I allowed myself to feel like a robot.  I closed my eyes and danced "uncomfortable and awkward and self-consciousness."  I allowed myself to feel the feelings of not mattering and not good enough.  I allowed all of it to guide my movement.  You know what?  Yep. It did shift.  Suddenly I was able to move and I allowed myself to move to a different area of the studio.

"Somewhere between Flowing and Staccato"

I remember how being in a group of strangers also brought forth the feelings of not mattering.  Many people seemed to know one another and I felt like an outsider.  When I found myself staying on the outskirts of the group I would  get myself to move towards the center and try to connect with someone to dance.  I could not connect.  I realized even in my dance the walls I had around me were there.  I was dancing staccato and I was getting mad.  I didn't want these walls.  I wanted to be able to move through them.  I wanted to be able to connect to people.

 I kept noticing one girl in particular.  Something about her rubbed me the wrong way.  I remember her blood red lipstick and raven black hair.  She reminded me of an 18 year version of myself when I first moved to this city.  When I would go near her I kept noticing she wouldn't look me in the eye.  I remember feeling really frustrated because I felt she was purposely avoiding me.  I did not feel this with anyone else just her.  It really pissed me off.  "What was wrong with me?" Time after time something about her really triggered me. What did she have against me?  So I decided to stay away from her.  Issues being played out on the dance floor.

"Chaos"

Then the rhythm of chaos came.  The collective energy of the group intensified.  Shit was getting real.  The layers people carried in with them had been shed through the rhythms of flowing and staccato.  A  sense of freedom to really move and let go was now fully present.  The magic was increasing and suddenly I was face to face with the raven black hair girl with the blood red lips in the dead center middle of the dance floor.  I like to believe the universe orchestrated that precise moment for the two of us to meet as part of our spiritual experience.

Alice Coopers, Schools Out, came on and the room erupted in screams.  Suddenly the room was full of 18 year olds.  Bodies jumping up and down, fist pumps in the air, as if we were connecting to the memories and feelings of the last day of high school. All of us expressing the excitement of not having to listen to teachers anymore or having to be trapped in the confines of a class room anymore.  Freedom was ours.

The freedom of the present moment was that of letting our spirits soar with the rhythms of the primal beats that were deepening as we all went into chaos.  This girl and I were now face to face and our eyes were locked.  In the middle of the chaos of bodies we threw a fit together.  Reflections of one another.  We did not know each other but something within us that we needed to see in one another brought us together.  Clearly something we were both wanting to avoid.  We threw a fit to Alice Cooper.  Jumping up and down, screaming,  hair flying, and  fists pumping.  When we had no more pent up teen age angst to release we both smiled at one another.  We had faced one another.  Each of us broke down a wall.  After that we didn't avoid one another.  We danced.

  God respects us
when we work but loves us
when we dance.
-Old Sufi saying


I finally could experience what I only read about in regards to chaos.  I went to the that place where the the soul takes over and partners with the rhythm of the music.  Out of the clutches of the mind the body and soul knew exactly what to do.  I was now part of a tribe and this tribe was sweating its prayers.  My body went into a tribal dance of some sorts and the observer in me stepped back to witness.  There was no effort. Sweat pouring down my face.  I was free.  It was a meditation.  A trance.  A freedom from the clutches of the mind.  It was a connection to spirit.  A connection to unlike anything I ever experienced sitting in a chair or on a hard wood pew of a church.  I felt the holy spirit.  I connected to shakti energy.  I felt the divine dancing with me.  I felt connected to every person in that room in a way I could not when I first entered the studio.  Nobody preached to me about how to find God or ways to act in order to connect to God.  I didn't have to go through a preacher.  I was connected.  In ecstasy.  I understood now possibly why the woman who sparked an uneasiness in me when I entered the studio was sitting there looking like she was making out with an invisible force.  I was now connected to the amazing creative second chakra energy that was permeating the studio. I felt like I was making out with an invisible divine energy.  I was simply allowing myself to not stop resisting the flow of the divine Kundalini energy.  The creative force of the universe.

"Lyrical"

When the lyrical rhythm began I felt free.  I was skipping around the studio experiencing the lightness of being.  Dancing lyrical after giving it all over through the rhythm of chaos is like experiencing the relief and lightness after a deep cry or emotional release.  I had shaken off so many emotional layers.  Even though this rhythm is about lightness and play I found myself feeling sadness.  The sadness was for all those people that never allow themselves to let go.  Those people who are held back from letting their hair fly and arms flail.  Those humans who don't allow themselves to play, and dance, and feel, and cry and just live.  I was sad for that part of me that for so many years never allowed myself to play.  I found myself saying a prayer for my ancestors and my current family members.  I then invited my family in spirit to join me.  I skipped around the room and danced for all my ancestors and current family members who can't let go.  Who can't connect to play or express their feelings.  I danced for them and I released for all my generations.

 I skipped and played and looked at the skyline of the city that I have loved and hated for so many years.  This time around I got this city.  I got it on a level I wasn't able to before because I had been blocked off to it.  Everything about New York is poetic.  It is shitty and beautiful.  It can make peoples dreams come true and can shatter them.  The creative energy in that city is thick with hopes and dreams and sadness and despair.  It is truly a place where all those who never fit into their families, who were misunderstood, and who are just free spirits can escape too.  Even if it is for a short time.  New York offers so much to people to feel alive.  And for the first time in a long time I felt alive.  Looking out to the skyline, looking at the grand church,  I was alive.  And for the first time I thanked the city for its beauty and its gifts.

"My Stillness"

Then there was the rhythm of stillness.  I just kept staring out the window.  It is all I could do.  At this point I was tired.  I gave the dance everything of me.  I was at the zero point and all I could do was be.  I stood in the window and continued to stare at the church.  Just swaying back and forth. Surrendered.  My body in complete prayer.  I then turned around and took in the studio and the group of souls-the tribe- that assisted me with this life changing experience. I breathed in the smell of sweat and city air.  I didn't want to forget.  I didn't want to forget how it was to experience heaven on earth.  I didn't want to forget what it was like to be fully alive and dancing in the kingdom of heaven.

No Filters on this Photo Just Sweat and After Glow!

I thanked the instructor and of course had to get my picture taken with him.  I shared how grateful I was and also how sad I was that this did not happen in Nashville.  There is a church on every corner in Nashville promising that their way is the way to connect to God.  Yet it was this practice that gave me direct experience  Where is a 5 Rhythms "church" in my current hometown?

That was my NYC 5 Rhythms experience.

The creative ideas that flowed from me during those two hours were amazing.  I wonder what life would be like to dance in a class like that twice a week?  At this point I would take once a week.

Tonight on October 22, 2013 three years after my "shattering"  I get to participate in a 5 Rhythms workshop here in Nashville, TN.  I am excited and nervous at the same time. That means I am alive.  I don't know what to expect.  Anything can happen.  I do know that no matter what some kind of magic will be happening.  Its just a matter of being open to how it shows up.

What are the "5 Rhythms" Of The Soul?

"Doing the rhythms is about waking up your most essential nature, stretching your intuition and imagination as surely as your body.  It's a formless form, one that expands your range of physical and emotional expression and introduces you to forgotten parts of your psyche.  Anyone can do the rhythms."  -Gabrielle Roth, Sweat Your Prayers

Flowing- Feminine energy, connecting to how your body moves, being open to change and birthing new movement.  Moving from the inhalation.  Taking in the goodness.  Taking in compliments, let downs, support.  Soft, rounded movements.  Earth.

Staccato-Masculine energy, putting self in world, moving through inertia, areas one feels stuck, sharp lines and edges, creating boundaries, the rhythm of taking responsibility, showing up for self, being the hero of your life, Fire

Chaos- The meeting of the divine feminine and masculine, diving beneath the self-imposed layers into the depths of your being and shaking it out, connecting to intuition, releasing from the mind, giving it all over to the divine, freeing self, powerful as water to wash away and cleanse out the old

Lyrical- "Lightness of being"  A celebration.  Still as free and wild as chaos but lighter.  This is about air.  Feeling what you feel but lighter.  Like the afterglow of sex.  The lightness of being after a really good cry. The good feeling after studying hard, taking a test, acing it, and enjoying the feeling of accomplishment.  Anything is possible when connected to the rhythm of lyrical.  We don't have to lock ourselves into being one thing we know we can shape shift.  We know we can change anytime.  We can celebrate life.  Air.

Stillness- Experiencing the power of being and not the power of doing.  Slowing down to the present moment.  Connecting within.  Moving to find stillness.  This is the rhythm of growing older.     The rhythm of dying.  Peacefulness.  Meditation.  Staying present in the middle of a storm.

If you are interested in experiencing this movement as a spiritual practice just start looking online.  There are plenty of resources and videos available to get you started.  There are no steps to learn.  You don't have to know how to dance.  

Books available:

Sweat Your Prayers, The Five Rhythms Of The Soul by Gabrielle Roth

Maps To Ecstasy by Gabrielle Roth

Website:

www.5rhythms.com

When is the last time you have allowed yourself to let go.......

DANCE.