The Messy Raw Truth About "Living A Life Authentic." The side they don't show in those photo quotes!

I am really needing to get back to blogging because spirit is downloading but I am not letting it pass through.  Words and thoughts are getting stuck in my bones and cells and although some of them are being journaled out privately, safely, and tenderly for my healing sake other words are asking to be shared.

On my way to work today I felt as if I was going to burst at the seams of my body unless I put these words down.  This topic wanted to be shared and that's the only way I can explain it.  

I couldn't get the images of Facebook memes out of my head.  Those photos of care free empowering images of women with arms wide open to the sky, or falling peacefully off a cliff, or frolicking at a beach just to name a few.  The quotes that adorn the photos are meant to inspire one to be weird, live authentically, let go without anyone even knowing, follow your souls truth and on and on.  Blah Blah. Some of them are lovely. They are gentle reminders and speak to those parts of us that do need to remember.   I feel they are similar to  rom-com movies where the guy and girl get together in the end and ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after.  The idea is sweet and inspiring in the moment, but, these memes don't show the after effects and birthing process of "letting go" and "peeling back the layers of the authentic self". Just like those movies don't show what happens about a month or two after the couple rides off into the sunset. 

Yeah...not quite feeling the frolic right now.

Let me just say though the journey to uncovering the authentic self and following inner truth is just flipping MESSY! Seriously messy. Emotionally, physically, spiritually MESSY! In that journey to un-become so you can be who you are meant to become, whatever that is, upheaval happens. Fears are faced and danced with. People get hurt. People you love get hurt. It is selfish on the surface, but, in the deep layers there is a truth. A truth only you, your soul, and God understand. 

There is confusion. 

Alot of confusion. 

The journey of following ones truth has shown me quickly who my friends are. It has revealed to me that some people can not handle someone living their truth especially if it mirrors back to them what they are not ready to deal with. In my un-becoming I have been shocked at who has ended up being part of  my support system and who has not. It is true what another meme has said, you really do find out who your friends are when the shit hits the fan in your life. When dropping the layers of the false self its fascinating how those that no longer vibrate with you ease fully drop away and those who resonate with the emerging self beautifully appear. 

The unknown is scary. It really is. I'm not one to sugar coat things. My meme would NOT have me frolicking on the beach right now. Mine would be in the woods, covered in dirt, hair tangled everywhere, on my knees connected to mother earth praying. 

Raw. 

Surrendered. 

Maybe a tear or two or three or a hundred would be streaming down. 

Screaming. 

And screaming some more because that is how this beginning journey feels right now. Facing my fears, sacrificing the old self, birthing the new, trying to cause the least pain to others as possible while making choices that in the deepest parts of my body are right and true. Taking the journey to live a life authentic also means navigating the questions from the outside . Those well meaning people who care yet don't and will probably never understand why a souls journey must be made. Why living in integrity means making choices and doing things that don't make sense in a rational way.  It means causing pain to self and loved ones no matter how conscious the choices are being made.

Breaking out of the comfort zone means stepping out into faith. Finding new ground

Give me a break.......

Some days it can feel like there is no ground to walk on and leaps have to be made to find a stable rock to stand on. Some days it feels like I am walking upside down. Some days I don't want to leave the safe comfort of being on my knees asking Goddess to please guide my way.

No. The path to living out the calling of my soul at least in this beginning phase is not as pretty as a Facebook meme. The reality is I want to be alone and grieve. I want to console that part of me that is slowly being put to rest to allow the healed part of me to take charge. I want to grieve for the only life I have known and gather the courage to face what I must and rebirth myself from love not trauma. So I can love others more truthfully. Living a life authentic........ 

I blame it on the Kundalini Yoga:)

This about captures it!

I know that look all to well....

Listening To My Body And Releasing The Guilt: My Journey From Veganism To "Meat As Medicine."

It took many years and a few well meaning women professional healer friends to assist me in understanding that meat is a form of medicine.....  




It took about 5 years to get myself to a "no meat" lifestyle.  I started down the no meat path in 1996.  Basically there was life before the infamous Oprah "Mad Cow Disease" episode that aired in 1996 and life after.  Like many others that day who watched that episode I stopped eating red meat.  I mean I stopped that very day.  I couldn't do it.  Not after what I saw.  I stopped eating red meat but soon picked up chicken.  Honestly I had never eaten a piece of chicken that wasn't battered and fried before that time.  So for a couple years after that fateful Oprah show I found  myself consuming vast amounts of chicken.  At some point I started working out with a trainer at a gym who also made dietary suggestions to me.  I ate four meals a day each one consisting of chicken.  I cannot say exactly when it was that I decided to eliminate all meat I just know it was sometime around 2000-2001. It might have been when I allowed myself to stop being in denial about what happens to the chickens. I know by that time I was deep into Conversations With God by Neil Donald Walsh, A Course In Miracles by Inner Peace Foundation and the book that started my spiritual journey and awakened the first light codes within me, The Celestine Prophesy, by James Redfield.

The more I walked forward on my path of spirituality the less meat I wanted to consume.  After September 2001 I moved from New York City to Los Angeles, CA.  There is something in the air out in that place (besides smog).  Something intangible and electrifying.  It pulsates with a liquid creativity that when you stand in just the right place it flows right into you.  That area makes one want to turn back the clock by 10 years in regards to age.   For me it stripped me of any desire to consume meat that I may have had left in me.  It may not connect that way for everyone who goes out there, but, for me it was transformative.

Within weeks of moving out there I eliminated all meat and dairy from my diet. One of the first events I remember attending was an "Stop Animal Cruelty Festival" complete with vegan food vendors, booths about teaching compassion, streaming video of what happens in slaughterhouses, and Sophie B. Hawkins screaming on stage about someone leaving their dog in the car.  Now that is either irony or stupidity.  It was well over 100 degrees that day in October. NEVER LEAVE YOUR DOG IN THE CAR IN EXTREME TEMPERATURE'S!

My diet during that time of my life consisted of lots of veggie burgers, lots and lots of Boca Burgers and a plethora of other meat substitute items.  I mean really.....I did not want meat......but I still had an innate craving for it somewhere in me.  I wore vegan shoes, t-shirts that said "vegan", and I know I was adopting that attitude that seems to naturally develop when having to stand ones ground and make it be known, I DON"T EAT MEAT!

Oh Boca..Boca...Boca...

I fluctuated between a vegetarian and vegan lifestyle up until I went into recovery which would be around 2006.  I remember one day something inside of me suddenly craved a red meat burger.  I mean REALLY craved it.  It was strange and confusing but the feeling would not be ignored.  I remember feeling weak and low in energy around that time also.  I went to the local natural foods market and purchased some grass fed meat, took it home, George Forman'd it, and literally cried while taking that first bite.  As soon as I chewed it I remembered the taste of red meat as if no time had passed between 1996 and 2006.  I took another bite and then another until it was all gone.  I kid you not it was only a matter of minutes before it was like somebody pushed a red button that said "start" on my back. My energy level shot through the roof.  I went to work that night as the energizer bunny.

 I did not last long eating meat.  I ate it for a few months and then one day I just didn't want it anymore.  I was done.  So that was it.  My life shifted dramatically from 2006 on.  I got married, re-discovered Kundalini Yoga, got certified as a KY instructor, and assisted in opening up a Kundalini Yoga studio.  I never thought I would teach yoga or be considered a "yogi",but, before I knew it there I was immersed in a whole new spiritual world.  Now I really couldn't eat meat.  I was a yogi!  I had to follow the eight limbs of yoga.

The Eight Limbs Of Yoga are guidelines to live a meaningful and purposeful life.  The first limb of the eight limbs of yoga is referred to as Yama.  Yamas are universal practices that relate best to what we know as the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have done unto you."  The very first of the five yamas is Ahimsa: non-violence.  So there was really no way I was going to eat meat.  Plus now I was surrounded by all these "in the know" raw foodists and vegans.  I got to hear about the amazing powers of this super food and that one. I was intrigued at how this one type of seed could make me produce super powered excretions and that super powder could make my adrenals and libido soar to the moon.  I went on a raw food eating binge.  I bought the books and tried to figure out how the hell I was going to find the time to actually prepare these elaborate prana packed super foods.  I followed as close as I could to the yogic food recommendations given by Yogi Bhajan.  I listened closely to the physical and spiritual benefits of eating a yogic diet all through my teacher training.  Again it was becoming deeply ingrained in me that the only way I could be truly spiritual, heart centered, and ascend  is if I did not consume meat.

All the while I was going gung ho into this new yogic lifestyle my health was not good.  If you were to look at photos of me from times I was at Kundalini Yoga gatherings such as Summer Solstice or White Tantra my skin lacked glow. It was just plain dull. Their is a darkness to my eyes.  I am not putting myself down.  I am just acknowledging truth.  What is interesting is that at these yogic events the main foods that are served are beans, rice, and potatoes.  I was consuming a lot of beans and rice and potatoes.  Not only at yogic events but at home also.  I loved beans and rice.  I even went on a mung beans and rice fast for 30 days because it was said it was the "food of the Gods".  I read somewhere that  a person could live off of mung beans and rice for their whole life and be healthy. We ate alot of it at my teacher training out in New Mexico.  I believe some version  of beans and rice was available at mealtime every day. Looking back at photos of me at my training my skin was the same dull color plus I had a horrible break out on my face the whole time.  I remember the day that two Ayurveda practitioners came to speak at one of my classes. I went up to them after and asked them for suggestions about my break outs during training. I believe their advice was just for me to stop drinking yogi tea.  No one said put down the beans and rice.

I began this blog sharing about how it took several women to be truthful and bold with me about eating meat.  One beautiful healer friend took the time to really talk with me about how eating meat is part of  experience of being human for me in this lifetime. She helped me understand that it was okay to allow myself to eat meat in a human body.  It is sometimes a form of medicine.  The key is to do it with honor and reverence.  She is a wise shaman.  I was laying on her massage table receiving a healing session from her while she was sharing this with me.  I'll never forget her also saying that if she had a steak in her refrigerator she would go in there and cook it medium rare for me to eat right then. That is how much she was in tune with my body needing medicine in the form of meat.  It took another girl to share with me that she went from strict veganism to having to eat a paleo/primal diet because she was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and could no longer eat gluten and several other triggering foods.  She said after she started eating meat she felt stronger and more balanced.  When healer friends of hers looked at her auric field after she had added meat back into her diet they told her it had actually become stronger.  Both of these women really helped me.

I want to say I am eating an paleo autoimmune elimination diet and that is the answer to everything.  I can say that as I cannot be that rigid. I have to listen to my body.  I know tomorrow I may wake up and not want to eat meat.  I doubt that will happen  because for now it is assisting me.  I just have to stay flexible and not attached.  Practicing yoga has given me the ability to do this.  It has given me back to  my body. I listen to my body  through feelings, sensations, and intuition. I do not listen to guilt or shame or what the latest fad diet or scientific study says.  I don't follow what any spiritual path says or what religious dogma states.  I listen to my body and what it needs to heal and to become balanced.  Meat is a medicine and I respect and honor it and treat it as such.

It was just a month or so ago that I was at work barely able to walk up and down stairs.  I would hear messages in my head that said, "My body is attacking me."  No.  I wasn't going crazy...well...perhaps a bit considering the foods that I was eating.  My face had sores all over it and I couldn't stop picking at them.  I would walk around with my pockets full of tissues stained with blood that I had used to wipe off my face with.  I was so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  I knew what was going on had to do with my gut.  I knew something had to be done.  Every time I ate certain foods my face would break out into sores.

  I dove into reading about the gut/brain axis, the gut and psychology, autoimmune paleo, fermented foods, gluten, grains, legumes, dairy. After reading all the scientific evidence about the effects of gluten, legumes, wheat and dairy on the digestive system it hit me like a thunder bolt.  I looked back at all those photos of me at the yoga events. I looked at photos of me at all the periods of time I was a vegetarian.  Most of them show me as very sick looking.  It made perfect sense to me that my digestive system was out of balance.  My stomach lining was compromised and my gut flora was imbalanced. I don't know how long my body has been in this state.  All I know is the grains and super foods I was eating out of care and concern for other living beings were not showing care and concern for me.  If you really have a care to see visuals of what my face looked like and why I have stopped eating the above you can check out this post: http://recoveryrising.blogspot.com/2014/07/a-photo-journey-first-10-days-proof.html

I will be honest when I say I do not 100% agree with the fact that I have to take another living species life in order to re balance mine.  I suppose I can be thankful I feel like that because that means I have a conscious.  I will say with conviction that I pray and practice reiki over every piece of meat I do eat.  I only buy and eat 100% grass fed and finished.  I do my best to buy from local farms where the animals were able to be in pasture. It is not always possible for me to purchase from the farms.  When I can't do it that way I at least buy pastured or 100% grass fed beef from the natural food stores. I use the same level of consciousness when I purchase turkey, fish, or bison. I will only eat meat if I cook it or I take it somewhere to be cooked. If I know for sure where the meat was sourced from at a restaurant I will order it.  These are ways I have been able to have peace within me and honor the soul and medicine of the animal.  I could not do it any other way.

There are so many eating lifestyles out there now.  It is as diverse and sometimes as full of dogma as religion.  In fact it has gotten to a point where eating lifestyles have turned into religions.  It seems tensions rise and verbal arguments break out between people from different eating lifestyles just the same as two religious sects trying to prove their way to God is the only way.

During my time as a yoga instructor I have witnessed the internal struggle of students in regards to the topic of food-particularly eating meat.  Especially people new to yoga who start experiencing the wonderful benefits of showing up to class, maintaining a daily practice, and making connections within the community.  The struggle I have seen and heard is, "I still eat meat, I feel bad, I know I practice yoga which means I shouldn't eat it."  I have had students approach me after class and verbally process on me for 20 minutes and everything that they needed to work out within them simply boiled down, "To eat meat or not to eat meat."

So I am finishing this blog by saying this.  The body that is literally the vehicle for our soul to experience life on this planet is highly intelligent.  It has its own consciousness.  It knows what it needs to maintain a balance.  It knows what foods actually disturb it and knock it out of balance.  I it knows what foods it needs to bring it back into balance.  The only thing it needs is for the person who is inhabiting it to pay attention.  There will always be a new scientific study released saying something is beneficial and something is bad.  Then there will be another one a decade later proving that  previous study was wrong.

 Some people were born to experience life as a vegetarian or a vegan.  Others were born to know what it like to exist taking in meat.  Some people have been born to only eat fish and plant life and still others just want to eat fruit as a source of energy.  Whether we choose to eat our food cooked or consume it raw the fact of the matter is there is no ONE right way to good and balanced health and well being.  If a certain food feels right to eat for a time being listen to that.  Do not live your life based on what others may think.  They are not living in your body.  They do not have your body chemistry.   It is beautiful to have values to live by and ideals to strive to live up to, but, living a balanced life means having to find...the balance.  Having to be flexible.  Having to let go.  Wow.  Sounds like practicing yoga.

So I may not be able to call myself a "yogi" rather I am one who teaches yoga.  I may end up lifting my fork to my mouth one day and getting the message that its time to put the meat down.  Everything changes. Its called non-attachment. The thing I am most grateful about going on the journey of not eating meat to eating meat is that now I have tolerance and understanding for all paths of eating styles.  Just as I respect others choices for how they choose to eat all I ask is the same in return.

Here is to finding balance in all ways...........

Eating doesn't have to be stressful.  Go within and listen.


Thy Food is Thy Medicine!

One Foot In The Past- The Other In The Future-Pissing On The Present or Try This...

"If you have your full attention in the moment, you will see only love." -Deepak Chopra

After my blog post from yesterday I figured it would be nice to keep this one a bit lighter in the subject matter.

I simply want to share a cool experience I had the other evening.  It was very brief yet incredibly powerful.  It was like a yoga class in the seat of my car. I also want to say it felt like something I would have read about in Eckhart Tolle's book, "The Power Of Now."  I can't be sure.  The last time I picked up that book was in 2003.  I think I read one chapter and part of me is still suspended in 2003 trying to comprehend what the hell he was talking about.  I mean I am fairly certain I felt the power of now and I didn't need to read a whole book to understand it.

Anyways, here is the set up:

My hub and I were driving back from watching a movie the other night.  It was actually a really funny movie.  Funny in the way that I would be mortified if I went and watched it with my parents.  As we were driving along I felt my muscles start to relax from soaking in the soothing motion of the car.  I remember noticing and really appreciating the temperature outside and how nice it felt on my skin.  As I continued to melt into the passenger seat I had a flash back of a yoga and meditation workshop I had attended the previous Sunday at The Ivy House in Nashville.  I could see my teacher, Corrine, and just for a moment I heard her say the Deepak Chopra quote she repeats often, "If you have your full attention in the moment, you will only see love."

For some reason I decided to give it a go and find out about that moment.  Would I really see love?  With my eyes closed I began following my breath so I could make a conscious connection to my body- especially my heart.  I kept focusing on my inhalation, my exhalation, and the beat of my heart.  I then set an intention to not allow any thoughts to surface about my past or my future.  I just wanted to be completely present in the moment.  So I did just that.  Warm breeze on my skin, humming of the motor, my hubby peacefully holding the steering wheel.  I breathed.  I felt it.  What came next literally only lasted for a few moments because that is all I could do to keep myself completely present.  

In those few precious moments I felt peace.  In that small space of time there was no need to worry.  I knew everything that I needed in life was contained in that moment and there was nothing that I was lacking. I was present.  I had food in my belly, a car taking me to a house with a warm bed, a loving husband. My breath was giving me life and allowing me to experience this.  There was nothing I needed to be, buy, regret, or anticipate.  I had my breath, peace, acceptance, and love.  I was content.  I had everything.  And then........POOF! 

It was fleeting. In those few moments "the observer" part of me was also present.  I could feel a crazy energy bouncing around in my head.  It was unbelievable.  It was like I was feeling the amount of energy that is used on a daily basis to fuel the racing thoughts in my head of the past and future.  Even though I did not allow  thoughts of the past or future enter my consciousness I could still feel their energy.  Bouncing. Flitting. Fighting. Trying to be noticed. Wanting to be acknowledged.  All I could think of when I came back into my head and allowed the thoughts to flood forth once again was, "OMG, how freaking exhausting!"   

Then I observed my thoughts as we continued to drive home.  Yep.  The subject matter of my thoughts would bounce from images of my past to thoughts and fears about my future.  I was not living in the present at all.  I was not appreciating or trusting that all that I had in the moment was all I needed.  No. Something in quietly whispered, "more."  Be more.  Do more. Prove more.  Buy More.  You need more.  Then life will be okay. The rest of the ride home I observed how my mind was living in two different time periods.  It took way to much effort to keep myself in the present.  Way to much.  It  really is quite exhausting to live in two different time periods. 

Man I know some of this may sound cheesy and airy fairy.  I am just saying it is not a secret that most of us have one foot in the past and one foot in the future and basically end up pissing on the present or a kinder way to say that would be, missing the present.

All I am saying is if you happen to be reading this and sometime today you want check out the gifts of your "present moment"  go for it. Do what I did above or whatever works for you to start shifting out of your head and connecting consciously to your body and heart.  Following the breath is what I always recommend.  See what happens for you.  Intend not to allow any thoughts from the past of future enter. Stay present to what is in the moment.  Connect to gratitude. Those past and present thoughts may still be there playing around in your head.  Wanting to be noticed.  You may feel them as energy in your head but by staying connected to your breath and body you don't have let them affect you.  Just for a few moments.   Allow the observer part of you to be present and notice how your brain feels.  

Is there a racing energy in it?  

Are you able to stay completely present to everything that is contained in those moments? 

Are you able to feel appreciation and gratitude?

What does it feel like to not be wondering about the past or future?

Can you receive the present/the gift that is being offered in the moments?   

How long can you sustain before the thoughts come rushing forth?

Give it a go....see what happens.  All you will miss out on is a few moments of head clutter. It will be there when you come back.  You may even come back with a little less clutter and a bit more peace.  Who knows!?

Will you see only love in the moment?  I did.  It was in the form of gratitude and contentment.  

Oh, and if you do decide to embrace your moment I would love to know what you experienced. Seriously.  Be airy fairy.  Go for it.  Its fun.  Please post your comments in the section down below and not on the Facebook comments.  I'd like to start building the comments within the blog.  Thanks!

Medicine for out of control time travel and racing thoughts:

Breathing, Meditation and/or Dancing.  Seriously.  For some dance is  their meditation.    They all work.  

Dealing with Depression Part 1: Embracing the Gifts of Sadness

"How might your life have been different, if, when you were a young woman, the first time you felt feelings of depression, an older woman had come to sit with you?  If she had come to sit with you, as someone had come to sit with her the first time she had feelings of depression?  To simply sit, quietly, perhaps wordlessly-to sit with you, during your dark time.  And how might your life have been different if the woman had accepted your feelings of depression?  Had accepted them so fully and completely that you began to feel safe with them.  If there had been no judgement or questioning..no attempt to make you smile, to betray your feelings, to deny your darkness.  If the woman had simply sat in silence with you, with your pain, and in the darkest moments had been able to reflect it to you..to reflect to your pain...to witness...attend...and by her quiet respect for it to help you learn to respect it...your own pain and depression....to witness, attend , and respect your depression...and to see that just as the woman had faith in it, you might also have a glimmer of faith that there was meaning and truth in your darkness."

 How might your life be different?

- Circle of Stones, Woman's Journey to Herself,  by Judith Duerk




I would first like to share how deeply I am in love with the book, Circle of Stones, Woman's Journey to Herself, by Judith Duerk.  I know this book has been around for some time now, but the time came last winter when it was my turn to discover the rich treasure of wisdom and comfort that lies buried within its pages.  The above excerpt is perfect.  Not only for women to think about, but also for men.

I have lived on and off with depression most of my life.  I did not know about depression until my second year of college when I was diagnosed by a doctor and experienced my first dance with anti-depressants.  I did not really take the diagnosis seriously,nor, did I stay on the pills for very long.  The doctor was very quick to shove the prescription in my hand and send me on my way.  He did not share any info about depression or provide me with resources to learn more about what may have caused it. He just gave me the pills.  I took them.  I did not stay on them.  I tried off and on for years to take the anti-depressants but my body just kept rejecting them.  Something deep within me knew it wasn't what I needed.  I know anti-depressants are beneficial for certain people.  I honor and respect that path.  It just wasn't the path that was right for me.

I can say it was a time of my life where I had my little toe dipped in the self-healing world and the rest of my foot immersed in the material world of trying to heal my wounds by following my insatiable ego. I thought if I could just get the better car, the bigger apartment, the skinniest body, the greatest hair, become a star then the depression I was feeling would go away.

It didn't work like that.  It just made it worse.  So I turned to another type of pill to make it go away.  That made it even worse and landed me in the 12 step recovery rooms.

When I first moved back to Nashville in 2005 I was sharing a house with another woman.  I remember I was in a deep state of depression at that time. I was afraid that if she noticed I was sitting around or laying down to much she would think I was crazy or lazy and kick me out.  I did share with her that I was dealing with depression and that there may be times I would be laying around.  She did not put me down or out right judge me like I made myself believe would happen.  I remember it feeling good to open up like that, but I never could fully feel comfortable being in a sad state, and she never played the role of the supportive older woman.

I did often yearn for someone to sit there with me just as Judith shares in her book.  I wished for someone just to hold the space and not try and cheer me up or get me to go do something.  Someone to just allow me to feel what was going on. I wonder if that support would have been provided for me at a young age then I wouldn't have been so hard on myself when I felt depressed in those early days.  I wonder what it would be like if more people had a kind old woman teach them to respect and accept their sadness and not be ashamed of it.  Would more people be there for one another and not be afraid of sadness?

It really frustrates me that there is still a stigma around mental illnesses such as depression.  People are more sympathetic, supportive, and kind to people who experience "physical" illness ,but, are less tolerant and supportive of people with "mental" illness.  Why?

If this stigma does not change then we are in trouble. I saw some staggering statistics the other day regarding the percentage of people living with depression.**  It did not surprise me at all considering the way we live, work, eat, and treat ourselves in this day and age.

*A recent study sponsored by the World Health Organization and the World Bank found unipolar major depression to be the leading cause of disability in the United States.

                                     DEPRESSION IS NOT A WEAKNESS

I do not see depression as a weakness. I see it as a friend.  I see it as a signal to me that something is imbalanced in my life.  I see it as a time to take a step back and to pay attention to where I am not nourishing myself enough.  I see it as anger and sadness locked up inside of me needing to be listened to and released. I see it as a time to inquire if my dopamine and/or serotonin levels are imbalanced. My body tells me everything.

One of the workshops I teach in my Recovery Rising program is called, "Dealing with Depression."  In this workshop I really focus on providing students with a gentle and empowering way of looking at and dealing with depression. Students learn breathing techniques, kriyas (yoga sets), and mantras all specific for depression.  I also provide the time and space through guided meditation for students to visit the locked up emotions within.   I draw alot from the teachings of Guru Rattana Ph.D, a Kundalini Yoga teacher and long time student of Yogi Bhajan.  Her view on depression made the most sense to me and confirmed what I had figured out through experience.  The following is a teaching of hers that I also share in my workshop:


"We are obliged to experience grief, sorrow, pessimism, and loneliness.  The trick is we are not obliged to indulge in these feelings.  They are there to teach us, but they are not there to torment us.  The key to understanding these feelings is the realization that they are a reflection of our separation from source.  They are a response to a closed heart.  A closed heart blocked off by negative experiences, unexpressed emotions from traumas and bad programming.  We must revisit and reinstall new programming in order to make it back to the core of our soul where love resides.  Depression is an invitation to this inner journey.  Not the most popular journey, we often choose denial, medication, blame, and outward preoccupations.  My observation is that like other soul lessons, some form of sadness and depression never really goes away until we find the gold of divine love in our own hearts.
Depression invites us to turn inward so we can find the cause of the source of our pain and find resolution, freedom and empowerment."  -Guru Rattana  Ph.D


I know for many in the west talking about going within and listening to feelings sounds like a cheese ball waste of time but, I am living proof that it is not.  The time for the old way of, "taking it on the chin and moving on" is just about up.  That is an old paradigm and a way of being that is now back -firing on many.  I grew up in a family that taught me to much about repressing my feelings.  I also experienced the pain it caused for years until I allowed myself to start facing and expressing them.


                                        THE ONLY WAY OUT IS BY GOING IN


This year has been an incredibly difficult life changing time of my life.  I believe if I didn't experience some times of depression with dealing with what has gone on I would not be human. I have experienced bouts of depression that have lasted sometimes 2-3 days at a time to upwards of two weeks.  I am most grateful that I have come to an acceptance of depression and view it in the way that I do now.  I have really learned to go within this year.  It has been the only way to make it through the emotional and physical changes I have experienced.   I know the changes are not over and I am still listening.

There was a time about a month ago when it was bad.  I couldn't pick up any "self-healing" tools.  I couldn't shift anything.  I just had to merge with the sadness.  I just had to be with it in order to move through it. The problem was I wasn't moving through it.  It was as Guru Rattana shared, "the trick is we are not obliged to indulge in these feelings."  I know I gave myself adequate nurturing time and space, but then something in me knew it was going to far.  I had enough.  I needed to move forward.

One evening I went upstairs into my office.  I sat down in front of my altar.  I closed my eyes and went to the area within my body where I felt the blocked energy(my heart center) and allowed myself to fully be present in that area.  I brought the energy up to the surface and began feeling a trembling through my body.  The energy came up my throat and out of my mouth as I began to scream and let the tears fall.  It did not stop.  Wave after wave rushed through my body.  The painful feelings of sadness and frustration released over and over again.  My fists flew in the air and my body continued to shake and tremble as the blocked pain and trauma released out of my body. I was utterly exhausted after that experience and found myself crawling into bed.  I can say the next day I woke up and felt forward movement.  Something had been released.  My mood lifted.  My motivation came back and the depression let up.  What did I do?  I did not take it on the chin. I did not drink or drug myself.  What I did do was face my buried emotions.  I chose to go into them and I chose to release them.  I have lived with 30 years of stuffed down trauma and pain through out my body.  Trust me this wasn't the first episode.

I am aware that the season of depression is upon us.  Seasonal Affective Disorder, holidays, new years, and the overall pressure cooker that are the times we are currently living in.  This is why I have been guided to share about depression.  This blog is probably already to long so I am breaking it up into a couple parts. The next parts will include more about outside circumstances, the tools of Kundalini Yoga I utilize for depression including building a strong aura, practicing mantras to shift your vibration, and the importance of breath.

If you happen to be reading this and are going through a time of depression give yourself a break and please know it is okay.

Nurture yourself.  Honor what is going on within.  Give yourself permission to be depressed.

I fully support you and am holding a space for you to feel however you need to feel.


Much love,

Kristianna


**http://www.depressionperception.com/depression/depression-facts-and-statistics.html

2012 The Year of Authenticity, Inner Earthquakes, Volcanoes and Vomiting!

We are at the home stretch of 2012!  The last quarter before December, and I think most of us agree the pressure is on!  What do I mean about pressure?  I can't answer that for you put I can answer it for me.  My pressure has been my resistance to do what I need to do to live authentically.  This inner resistance has led to inner explosions resulting in ......VOMITING and other imbalances.  Two weekends ago I experienced not only an earthquake within my whole body in the form of shakes and convulsions I could not control, but I also experienced a volcano which came in the form of non- stop vomiting.  All of this landed me in the emergency room hooked up to an IV leaving me utterly exhausted and I am still not feeling right.  If you notice my last blog post I was feeling the the nausea then!

I have been asked several times over the past year in conversation and during a public speaking event what I thought was going to happen on December 21, 2012.  My answer was and still is, "Shifts are already taking place and have been even before 2012.  If people think about what has taken place within themselves over the past couple of years it could look or feel like a natural disaster.  Emotions that were suppressed maybe finally came up in an explosion not unlike a volcano.  When changes had to be made in someones life because something was no longer bearable or aligned with the truth of who they were perhaps it seemed like a tornado the way the changes took place. Someone may have experienced a depression within their heart that felt like a glacier moved in.  Perhaps the pressure and resistance of the overall changing of the times caused someones nervous system to short circuit and anxiety to set in like an earthquake within the body.

Everybody talks about pole shifts taking place possibly on December 21, 2012, but, I say it happening now.  It is happening on a spiritual and energetic level.  The pole shift is we are shifting from the old way of thinking and being led by our ego and mind to a new way of being that is being led from our heart and soul.  WHHHHAAAT?  "Oh my god, that is just woo woo silly nonsense!" says almost everyone coming from their heads.

Think about it.

"THE NATURAL DISASTERS AND POLE SHIFTS ARE HAPPENING WITHIN!"

Yes.  It sounds out there because most people are used to living in a certain way.  How many people actually let their hearts lead the way?  It is scary.  It is a surrender.  It is a pole shift.

We are in a time now where the more we resist something the even greater is going to persist.  I am living proof of this.

This whole year has been one inner natural disaster after another for me.  Yes.  I asked for it.  I just had no clue how it was going to happen.  I wish I could be in gratitude for the experience of it all because that is what living is about ..blah blah.  I am in gratitude at this moment, but sometimes I am not.

Yesterday I had yet another inner volcano erupt minus the spewing lava this time.  It was an emotional noisy screaming volcano.  An inner truth explosion.  These are going to keep happening to me until the surrender and acceptance rests in my heart.  I know this.  These have to happen because I set my intention last year to find the source of this life long inner pain and to do whatever I needed to release and heal.  Three weeks after I had made that request to the universe my whole life changed and still is changing.

Eight weeks ago I started a Mindful Living Class and wrote down the intention of  "Discovering and Living In My Truth."  I wrote it on a clay tile that was provided and I drew a heart with what looks like an combination of the infinity spiral and an eyeball.  I just made the connection of the drawing to my intention.  I am living this intention.  It just isn't playing out as I thought it would...

"I surrender on a daily basis sometimes without a fight!"

I have made small changes this year. It has been a very traumatic year for me and for my husband.  We have and continue to deal with our outer circumstances changing to make us look within and see what needs to be discovered, shifted, and brought forth if necessary.  There are more changes to come. I know this.  One step at a time.

Changes have to be made or the alternative is end up bed ridden, in the ER, or popping pills to make it go away.  Either an acceptance has to made, emotions have to be healed, actual physical changes have to take place, or whatever else.

Physical symptoms are also manifestations of inner mental and emotional imbalances.  Do not ever try to argue with me on this one.  You will win because I will not argue.  I cannot argue about something I believe in whole hearted.  You will never change my belief on this.

In order for me to improve my health I must be authentic. I must take time everyday to check in with myself.  I must be in awareness of self.  I have to sit in silence and go to my heart.

"I have to surrender to the truth of who I really am and not some projection of who I think I am."

Whoa!  That was liberating when I heard a teaching on awareness and the teacher talked shared about being in touch with who I really am and not some projection.  That was an eye and heart opener.
That teaching is now going to save me from many other mini inner natural disasters if I keep checking in with it.  That teaching is creating not only relief, but a geyser of my authentic juju is about to erupt.

I have built a projection of myself that served  a purpose and some of it will always be a part of me but much of it is not my truth.  Changes are coming.......

I write this loooong blog because I know I am not the only one whose inner world is going through an planetary evolution.  I know of people who don't seem to be affected by the shifts of these past couple of years and some people who have done great work and are in the flow now.  Everybody is different in what needs to shift and in how they deal with it.

Vomiting, Kidney Stones, Urinary Tract Infections, Flu, Exhaustion and on and on.  Honor it all and pay attention to what your body is trying to tell you.  What your soul is trying to tell you?

I have to honor who I truly am. I can only do that by continuing to shift from the head to the heart.  I have to really feel who I am in this very moment ,and be in touch with what I truly like and dislike and not what I think I should to be a "part of."

A couple of good books to go along with what I just blabbed on about are the following:

1.  The Joy Diet by Martha Beck - She gives you 10 ingredients for joy to follow and no its not fluff.  The first three steps you actually have to get silent and get downright truthful with yourself on a daily basis..oohhhh not that!

2.  You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay-  If you already believe there is an mental/emotional reason behind physical ailments then you probably have this book.  If you would like to know more of what in the world I am talking about I would suggest getting a copy.  It is fascinating.

3.  The Exquisite Risk, Daring To Live An Authentic Life by Mark Nepo-  I dare you to read this beautiful book and not feel the authenticity juju start bubbling up within you!


That is all.  Just wanted to share.  Have an beautiful day!   It's okay if you don't....:)

Living My Truth Makes Me Want To Throw Up!

The thought of "living my truth" is making me queasy.  The dream of living my "authentic life" is terrifying me right now.  It is terrifying and confusing in different ways.

Yesterday I attended a mindful living course at my church, Unity Church for Positive Living.  It was week one of a 9 week course being facilitated by Rev. Denise Yeargin.  I arrived a couple minutes late and quietly made my way towards the sanctuary.  As I tip toed closer to the open door of the room I noticed everyone was sitting in silence with eyes closed.  I stood in the door way being mindful as to not make noise.

Rev. Denise saw me, walked over and lovingly put her arms around me. She whispered in my ear that everyone was in a few minutes of silence to set their intention for the course and life in general for the next 9 weeks.  I could feel my breath grow shallow and fear break dancing in my stomach.  I knew right away what my intention was.  I couldn't help but to know what it was.  I felt like I had no other choice of intention. I mean I always have a choice. Everyone has the God given right to choose in any moment how their life is going to go.

I do have the choice to keep on living in an unauthentic state of being.

I do have the choice to continue walking around feeling half alive knowing the outside does not match the inside.

I always have the choice of  feeling confused, frustrated and angry.

I can choose to embrace the fear of change and personal empowerment.

I can choose to discover who I really am as the life built from childhood trauma wounds crumbles away.

I can choose to believe in myself once and for all.

 I can choose to continue staying in my comfort zone which actually should be renamed "pain zone."

I always have a choice.

The intention I chose last night was to "Discover and Live My Truth." It sounds so simple, right?  Wrong!  As I shared what I had written with my small group one gentleman shared that living in ones truth is probably one of the hardest things for anyone to do.  "That's just great." I thought.  "Is there anything I do in my life that doesn't require 150% intensity!?"


The truth that I know so far is I am being confronted with something I have been avoiding for almost 20 years and I am scared out of my mind to walk into it and through it.  The truth is if I do it I just may discover what I am actually made of.  The truth is I was born an "artist" and I will do anything right now to avoid being creative.  I have been told I am a fairy whose light has short circuited because I disconnected myself from the very things that allow fairies inner lights to shine.


The truth is I asked for this.  I asked to be a trauma survivor not a victim.  I asked the divine for what I needed to do to allow myself to live a life in color.  I asked this past weekend at the Oneness Deepening for the blocks to be removed so I could connect authentically with myself and the world.  I asked for Awakening. Oh good God, I had no idea what would hit me afterwards!


A mindful way of living right now is what will keep me connected to discovering what I need to do to live my truth.  When I am fully connected with the moment of now and in my body I cannot run from the truth.  I have to feel it.  If I keep feeling it eventually I have to do something about it.  I have to make a choice.

We were asked last night to share some ways in which one could come into a mindful state of being.  My first answer was and always will be "the breath."  Breathing is the fastest way to bring one to the present moment.  Deep breathing past the chest and into the center of the body.  It is the fastest route to bringing calm within and allowing for feelings and awareness to bubble up to the surface.

I have to keep acknowledging my fear right now. I have to surrender to it and fully feel it. That is the only way I can walk through it.  I have to be mindful of what is going on within because that is where my answers and direction reside.  The only way I can keep moving forward is to keep in the present moment as much as possible.


This is the year.  This is the time.


Surrender.