Surviving To Thriving: Why I Chose To Leave Everything Familiar To Face My Greatest Fear....

"I want to go back to what is comfortable.  I want to go back to what I know.  I want to go back to the house where I knew who I was.  The place where I knew my role.  It is a comfortable place....but I can't.  Sigh.  There is a reason I had to pack my things and leave that familiar life.  I had to leave the safety of the walls I knew for eight years. The security I could always depend on. There was a reason I had to say good-bye to the dog I raised from the time she was eight weeks old and a reason I had to painfully separate from the man to whom I said, In sickness and in health till' death do us part."

It has been almost eight months now since I left that house and embarked on my own heroes journey.  I have felt like I have been in the wilderness for months and I am just starting to settle into this place I now call my home.  I do not know "my role" or "my identity" right now.  In fact, that has been something I have been working on rediscovering since I had my trauma break down/open on October 11, 2011.

Since then nothing has been the same

Last year at this time the thought of what I am doing right was sending chills through my spine.  Fear, self-doubt and self-blame paralyzed me.  The doubts were from seeds planted long ago in the fertile soil of my youth and watered for years with painful words from a man who convinced me that I would never be able to survive on my own in this world. A man who wanted to protect me from the pain of the world. A man who tried to convince me nobody else would ever love someone like me. Those words along with a host of other demeaning words and actions would be repeated through out the years.  Eventually those seeds became strong held beliefs that grew like crabgrass weed taking over my mind and body. Weeds that twisted and suffocated out any belief in me that I could be good enough, capable enough or lovable enough.

In the 12 years I was connected to that man I had every material thing I could possibly dream of: cars, million dollar condo in a big city, education, clothes, credit cards, etc.  I snapped my fingers and it appeared.  No matter what.  In the beginning I was naive and it was feeding all my twenty something year old fantasies.  Then time passed by.   I had everything I could ever want on the outside.  I had zero self-esteem and zero self-love on the inside.  They had both been slowly stripped away from me through years of emotional abuse, manipulation, and constant fear.  A fear that at any time everything was going to be taken away from me and I would be homeless.

 For the longest time I did not believe I could take care of myself.  So I didn't.  The co-dependency that was developed in my childhood grew even stronger in adulthood.  I became angry, vindictive, lost, and I fell head first into a world of substances that I discovered could take all the pain of the reality I created away.  I was filled with nothing but self-hatred, anger, and unforgiveness towards myself and this other person, and life in general.

I did not know I had the power within me to make a change

 I did not know I had a choice

Then I found the world of recovery.  A small glimmer of something called hope started to catch my eye.  I followed it's light and slowly my life began to change.  The recovery world helped me cultivate just enough inner strength and self-esteem to start standing up for myself.  I started to learn about the word, choice.  I chose to start taking my power back and releasing myself from that person. It didn't happen over night but one day it finally did.

I had a year and two months into recovery and was just starting experience living on my own when I met my would be husband.  I had barely scratched the surface of getting in touch with the deep emotional pain I held within my cells, muscles, and bones.  Pain that had been locked up inside of me from my youth up until I met him. At that time I had no clue of the repressed trauma that was going to explode out of me down the road after we were married.  I had no clue the bones of the person I had been from birth up until October 11, 2011 would suddenly shatter into hundreds of dusty pieces all around.  I did not know that every year since then I would be picking up those bones and rebuilding a whole new skeleton while La Loba, the Woman Wolf, sang over them bringing me back to life. I just knew I was attracted to this man. He was attracted to me. It was game on.  We met on Thanksgiving day and we were married by April.

I did not heal any part of my past before I entered into marriage.  I just dragged a whole lot of baggage into it.  After a while of being married I found myself settling back into familiar dependent patterns.  These patterns started to trigger deep wounds of dis empowerment and victim hood within me.  I hated those feelings.  Those feelings included a seething anger that was always boiling right under my skin.  There would be good days and bad days.  I worked really hard on releasing the anger.

Healing

 I spent years doing the deep inner work I was guided too.  I wanted inner peace.  I wanted freedom. The anger was what I had to listen and pay attention too.  It was my messenger.  Since that fateful day in 2011 the underlying message had been that I needed to go out into the world and stand on my own two feet.  I kept ignoring the message out of fear, but, it would not go away.  The messages kept coming to me at different times through different mediums including the guidance system deep within my stomach.

IT WAS TIME TO FACE MY GREATEST FEAR

I had to face myself and find out what I was made of.  My wings had been clipped in my 20's and I did not learn how to fly like others my age.  My next phase of trauma healing would not be able to be done within the cocoon of a marriage. My husband and I knew our  relationship was not working in its current incarnation.  I knew on my part what had to be done if  there was ever going to be any hope.

Where I had to go I had to go alone. Loving myself and doing what needed to be done to cultivate that had to come first.  If I was ever going to have a chance at having a healthy relationship with myself and perhaps one day a healthy relationship with a man this journey had to be taken.  It was time for me to release the baggage that I did not give myself the chance to release before.

I HAD TO KNOW I COULD MAKE IT ON MY OWN IN THIS BIG WORLD

It was so painful to leave my husband because I did not want to hurt him.  I did not want to cause pain to another human being again. Even though by staying as long as I did was still  hurting him.  I was so frustrated that this had to affect our relationship like it did.  In true co-dependent fashion I automatically took the blame for all it.  I have gotten alot better at releasing some of it.  Yet I still wonder,  "How could I leave a man who truly loved me through some pretty painful and terrifying times- trying times a lesser man would have probably run from?" I'm still coming to terms with that part but for now all I know is....

 It had to be done

Trauma recovery is brutal. I did not ask to have to hurt others in the name of healing myself.   I did not ask for what happened to me in my youth  to unconsciously set the course of the rest of my life until October 11th.  This shit is painful.  This path I chose is not for the faint of heart.  Yes.  I am scared.

It is the wilderness for me

I am still alive though.  I have a job(s), food in my stomach, a roof over my head, and friends that support me.  Everyday is different and seems to bring with it different emotions to feel and walk through. Some days I am curled up in the fetal position with tears streaming down my face, while other days I am punching the shit stuffing out of a heavy bag.  Still other days I just want to lay on my couch and stare out the window. There are plenty of good feeling days too. The most important thing for me is cultivating a simple life.  A simple low to no chaos structured life.  I have never really known what that is.  It is vitally important for my recovery.  I am facing what I need to face and healing through it the best that I can.  I may be scared, but, at least I can say I am doing it and have been for close to eight months now.  I know the fear will lessen as time goes by.  All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward one day at a time.

I am not a helpless girl who needs rescued anymore.

I am a woman who is growing stronger everyday in many ways.

I am my own parent now.

I am my own protector.

I am a survivor.

I am a thriver.

I am learning who I am
all over again.

I am learning to love myself.

I am being reborn.

I am my own heroine.


If you made it to the end I want to say thank you from the deepest recesses of my heart for witnessing a sliver of my story.  For some reason it was supposed to be shared.  I followed the call and wrote what I felt comfortable sharing. I trust there is a reason. This small part is enough for now.  I will be following up with more blog posts regarding my journey as I am "called" to do so.  I will soon be introducing a whole new blog and facebook page that will be a more current reflection of my re-discovery journey "from surviving to thriving."  I am waiting until mercury goes direct to introduce it.  Until then I will be staying here posting in Recovery Rising.

Namaste. Sat Nam. Aho. Blessed Be.

-Kristianna

The Messy Raw Truth About "Living A Life Authentic." The side they don't show in those photo quotes!

I am really needing to get back to blogging because spirit is downloading but I am not letting it pass through.  Words and thoughts are getting stuck in my bones and cells and although some of them are being journaled out privately, safely, and tenderly for my healing sake other words are asking to be shared.

On my way to work today I felt as if I was going to burst at the seams of my body unless I put these words down.  This topic wanted to be shared and that's the only way I can explain it.  

I couldn't get the images of Facebook memes out of my head.  Those photos of care free empowering images of women with arms wide open to the sky, or falling peacefully off a cliff, or frolicking at a beach just to name a few.  The quotes that adorn the photos are meant to inspire one to be weird, live authentically, let go without anyone even knowing, follow your souls truth and on and on.  Blah Blah. Some of them are lovely. They are gentle reminders and speak to those parts of us that do need to remember.   I feel they are similar to  rom-com movies where the guy and girl get together in the end and ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after.  The idea is sweet and inspiring in the moment, but, these memes don't show the after effects and birthing process of "letting go" and "peeling back the layers of the authentic self". Just like those movies don't show what happens about a month or two after the couple rides off into the sunset. 

Yeah...not quite feeling the frolic right now.

Let me just say though the journey to uncovering the authentic self and following inner truth is just flipping MESSY! Seriously messy. Emotionally, physically, spiritually MESSY! In that journey to un-become so you can be who you are meant to become, whatever that is, upheaval happens. Fears are faced and danced with. People get hurt. People you love get hurt. It is selfish on the surface, but, in the deep layers there is a truth. A truth only you, your soul, and God understand. 

There is confusion. 

Alot of confusion. 

The journey of following ones truth has shown me quickly who my friends are. It has revealed to me that some people can not handle someone living their truth especially if it mirrors back to them what they are not ready to deal with. In my un-becoming I have been shocked at who has ended up being part of  my support system and who has not. It is true what another meme has said, you really do find out who your friends are when the shit hits the fan in your life. When dropping the layers of the false self its fascinating how those that no longer vibrate with you ease fully drop away and those who resonate with the emerging self beautifully appear. 

The unknown is scary. It really is. I'm not one to sugar coat things. My meme would NOT have me frolicking on the beach right now. Mine would be in the woods, covered in dirt, hair tangled everywhere, on my knees connected to mother earth praying. 

Raw. 

Surrendered. 

Maybe a tear or two or three or a hundred would be streaming down. 

Screaming. 

And screaming some more because that is how this beginning journey feels right now. Facing my fears, sacrificing the old self, birthing the new, trying to cause the least pain to others as possible while making choices that in the deepest parts of my body are right and true. Taking the journey to live a life authentic also means navigating the questions from the outside . Those well meaning people who care yet don't and will probably never understand why a souls journey must be made. Why living in integrity means making choices and doing things that don't make sense in a rational way.  It means causing pain to self and loved ones no matter how conscious the choices are being made.

Breaking out of the comfort zone means stepping out into faith. Finding new ground

Give me a break.......

Some days it can feel like there is no ground to walk on and leaps have to be made to find a stable rock to stand on. Some days it feels like I am walking upside down. Some days I don't want to leave the safe comfort of being on my knees asking Goddess to please guide my way.

No. The path to living out the calling of my soul at least in this beginning phase is not as pretty as a Facebook meme. The reality is I want to be alone and grieve. I want to console that part of me that is slowly being put to rest to allow the healed part of me to take charge. I want to grieve for the only life I have known and gather the courage to face what I must and rebirth myself from love not trauma. So I can love others more truthfully. Living a life authentic........ 

I blame it on the Kundalini Yoga:)

This about captures it!

I know that look all to well....

What Lies Beneath The Two Most Disempowering Words Of My Every Day Vocabulary….

It's Okay.


These two small words seem harmless.  After all they are just two words and they are generally positive.  So why would I call these two of the most dis empowering words of my personal vocabulary?  It is not necessarily the words themselves as it is the underlying motivation for their use.  If I think about it life is really lived day to day and moment by moment by not what is actually said but rather what is below the surface in the subtext.  For me personally I have come to a profound awareness of how much I devalue myself on a daily basis when I speak the words, "It's okay."

What do I mean by this? 

Sometimes it is natural and proper to answer someone with, "it's okay."  It is a harmless phrase for most intents and purposes.  When I find it harmful and dis empowering is when I use it as a way to excuse away someones lack of respect for me.

I did not make this connection until about a week ago when I was working on a trauma timeline assignment upon recommendation of my therapist.  It was an intense project to work on and not for the faint of heart to have to look at.  As I was looking at the patterns of experiences that happened to me over the past 30 some years I could literally feel myself  shrinking inside.  In fact that is exactly what happened to me over the first 30 years of my life.  I shrunk.  My true-inner- child-magical- self literally curled up in a ball within to hide away from a world of pain that was to much to bear.  A false self was created.  Walls were constructed around her. The magic was buried.  The child went into hiding from a cruel world she felt did not care for her. 

 As I was reading this time line I felt my insides shrink.  I felt my shoulders slump even more.  I was reminded again of that part of me that does not feel worthy of existence. There is still a part of me that does not believe in my inherent value as a human being.   That little girl within is still holding tight to the past. That belief that she does not matter. Apparently even though I have done tremendous self-healing work in this area there is still more work to do to assist with shifting this belief.  It is a strong one in me!  My inner child still holds this perception that was created by a lifetime of experiences that kept reinforcing in her that she is not worthy.  It is no matter that the adult intellectual part of me understands I AM worthy and I have value.  It is not the conscious that runs my programming, it is my subconscious.  It is the patterns that were created when I was young.  As I wrote above life is really lived in the subtle.... in what lies beneath.

 For some reason going over that time line helped me realize one of the major ways I have still been reinforcing the belief that I don't matter and I am not worthy.  I do it by how I respond when people disrespect or take advantage of me.  One specific way I know I do this is when I let people take advantage of me is with my time.  Or if I pay for a service that I was not happy with and don't speak up about it.  Another way is women not returning my phone calls when I reach out to make a connection or reach out for support. 

 I know I call these people and situations into my life because they act as reinforcers of my personal belief system.  I have caught on that their are certain people that repeatedly make me wait far past my scheduled appointment times.  These people keep doing it because I let them.  I give them permission.  When they say, "I am sorry for making you wait"and I respond with slumped shoulders and an automatic, "Oh, it's okay" I am telling them how to treat me.  I am telling them to keep doing it to me.  Another way is when I reach out and call women to make a connection in my recovery program and do not get a return phone call.  When I confront them later and ask if they received my message I usually get an,"I am busy or I am not good at calling people back" response.  In which I respond with, "Oh, it's okay."

The thing is:  IT IS NOT OKAY!

Every time I say those words what I am really saying is:

 "Oh, no worries.  I don't want YOU to feel bad or awkward or anything strange.  Its okay.  I don't really matter anyway.  I am used to it.  Keep going ahead and doing it to me.  It is just who you are  and I accept it.  I know you are busy and important and have many other things to do and people to talk too. I totally accept being treated like that.  It doesn't matter because I know I don't matter.  Its just my reality.  I'm used to it.  Don't even worry about it."

That is really what i am saying when I say, "It's Okay."

The day after I made this realization I had the opportunity to experience the power of NOT speaking those two words.  I found myself at a gathering with other women that are part of a that recovery program I spoke of.  I happened to pass one of the women as she was leaving.  I wasn't going to say anything to her but something in me pushed me forward.  I simply asked her if she had gotten the voice mail I had left for her a week or so earlier asking her if we could meet for tea so I could get to know her better.  It took her a few moments until she responded with, "Oh yes. I am sorry.  I am bad at calling people back. Just ask so and so. I have been busy."  I could feel my automatic response wanting to burst out of my lips, but, instead I just stood there and listened.  I didn't say those two words.  I refused.  It was strange.  It felt strange in my body, but, I held my ground. Yes. I new she was a busy lady but....... so am I.  Before she departed I did compliment her on the pants she was wearing.   I then felt a surge of energy burst forth.  It felt strange and good.  I felt happy.  It was like my true self peeked out for just a few moments.  My inner child heard me not de-value her. It wasn't in what I said.  It was in what I didn't say that spoke the loudest to my inner child and let her know, she mattered!

What has also been a profound awareness is how much I have done certain things to other people that do not honor their value.  Yes.  I admit it.  I would be completely out of integrity if I wrote this post and did not take responsibility for doing some of the same things that hurt me to other people.  I am telling myself today, IT IS NOT OKAY to do that to others. It is part of the lesson I have to learn about values.  Every human deserves the right to know and understand they matter just by right of being born.  Every human being has a value because they were created by the divine.  If I want my inner child/my subconscious patterns to continue to shift I have to not only build that sense of worth in myself, but also  do things that help build it in others.  In a balanced way that is honoring both people.  This can be done by simple actions such as calling someone back, respecting someones time, or simply asking how someone is feeling. 

It is going to take some work for me to break out of that pattern of saying, "Its okay."  Now that I am aware of it I am seeing just how much I allow myself to say it.  It is hard not to be frustrated by it but I just keep reminding myself that it takes time to undo a belief pattern that has been a lifetime in the making.

It really is fascinating when I stop and think about just how much the truth does reside in the subtle. 

In the unspoken.

In the subconscious.

In the subtext.

"It's okay"   

Is it?  Really?

If you are reading this post think about some of your go to responses. The automatic ones that just burst out of your mouth.  You know the one.  The one that is a mask.  Notice today and tomorrow when you say those words or phrase.  Is it empowering or disempowering?  What are you really saying?   Go ahead. It's okay. When I say those two words this time I mean it!   

What lies beneath….. 

The Truth is What Will Set Us Free!

The Gifts of A Journal: A Must Have Tool When Embarking On A Journey To Your True Self!

Journal:  1. a personal  record of occurrences, experiences, and reflections kept on a daily basis; 2. a diary

Journey:  1. to travel over or through  2. a traveling from one place to another  3. a distance, course or area traveled 

It is interesting that there is only a two letter difference between the above two words.  Embarking on a self-healing or any type of transformational journey takes a person from one place within themselves to another.  A journey to your true self requires travel through many layers that were created over much time.  A journal is a priceless tool to have while on your inner travels.  It is a friend, a compass, a reference, and a map to finding the treasure which is your truth.  Your authentic, I Am, self.

Journaling has been a part of my life for as far back as I can remember.  I have hazy early memories of the small diaries I would receive at Christmas time that would come with a lock and those itty -bitty keys to open them.  I loved those diaries.  I loved the fact that they had a lock on them.  I mean let's be honest anyone with determination and a bobby pin could open one of those diaries, but, that was not the point.  The point was to my pre- teen and teenage self this was a part of my world that was all mine. The lock was symbolic. This was where I could be me, fully and completely.  I could share with my diary all of my secret middle school boy crushes, how frustrated I was at my mom for not letting me stay the night at my best friends, or allow its comforting pages to collect my salt water tears from the pain of feeling so ugly, different, and utterly alone for so many years.

My diaries have changed throughout the years.  In fact I believe when I stopped calling it a diary and began calling it a journal is when I graduated to the more "adult" version.  I remember going through a phase when I had to be all grown up and therefore I needed a Barnes and Nobles- esque Moleskin type journal.  Very boring.  Very uninspiring.  Sorta like what happens when you lose touch with your inner child.  When you succumb to the belief that you have to be grown up all the time.  When play time becomes a luxury and not a necessity.  That phase lasted for a while.  Painful.

I have saved almost all of my journals from right out of high school until today.  Unfortunately some of those journals have been lost due to many different moves I have made to different parts of the United States.  If I go into my shed today I still have a big box full of journals.  I can open one at any time and be taken back to a certain period of my life.  It is actually fascinating.  Sometimes I cringe.  Sometimes  I laugh.  Sometimes I wonder who the person was writing at that time because she doesn't sound like me.  Sometimes I can read where I haven't changed in some areas.  Other times I read about the areas of my life I have changed.  Sometimes I get to remember something I otherwise forgot or chose to purposefully forget:)  Sometimes I smile because I can read where I came from and stand here now knowing I survived.

I am so glad I kept my journals.  They are my life.  I always imagined one day I would have grandchildren and when I passed away I would leave them a box.  The box would contain a letter from me to them and all my journals and memorabilia I have kept throughout my life.  I would want them to remember who I was when I was younger. Not just the old woman they had come to know but who that old woman once was and eventually grew to be.  I don't know if I will ever have that opportunity for I do not have children at this time in my life.  However it is a strong image and I still feel it will be carried out.  I just don't know whose children it will be who gets the box?:)

Journaling is therapeutic.  It is powerful.  It is trans formative.  It is not for everyone although everyone could benefit.

I often hear from people that they would like to journal but just don't think they can.  At first when I started hearing those responses it confused me.  How could someone not journal?  It is so easy to do.  I have heard many different excuses over time as to why people can't or just will not journal.  Of all the excuses I have heard from different people about why they can not sit down and simply write the following two seem to be the most popular:

1.  I don't have time  

2.  I don't know what I would write


These to me are just that -excuses.  If someone really wants to do something that is suggested as a tool to get all the "inner muck" out of their head and onto the paper in front of them for some relief and to gain some awareness then they will find a way to do it.  Writing in a journal takes nothing more than opening a notebook and putting pen or pencil to paper and just start writing what is on your mind.  That is all.

Now there are many other ways to journal, but if you want the simple and straight forward way to start then just open up the notebook and start writing.

My favorite time to journal is when I first wake up.  I have a routine in the morning of what I do to prepare myself mentally and physically for the day.  Journaling is included in this morning routine.  It is a great way for me to let out all the subconscious mind funk that came up from the night before and lay it out on paper in front of me.  This makes me feel like I have made room in my head and I'm not taking this stuff with me throughout the day. If it is a morning I am not feeling particuarly chipper I  can get my thoughts and feeling out on paper and see what may be affecting my serenity staring back at me. When I see this I can then work on solutions to bring back balance.  Sometimes I get creative ideas first thing in the morning and I include these in my journal time.  Anything can come out.  Just write.

I always think of what Julia Cameron of The Artists Way suggests when she talks about her morning pages exercise.  She suggests that even if you can't think of anything to write for three pages then just write, "I don't know what to write" over and over until something else comes forward to write about.  I have used that tip especially when I am going through a morning pages phase.

 Morning pages is a practice of getting up and writing three pages front and back of whatever comes out of your head first thing in the morning.  Front and back.  Three pages.  I actually wrote a report about morning pages in college and spoke about the benefits of morning pages in my public speaking class.  Can you tell I am an advocate of journaling yet?

If there is a certain area of my life I am working on I always keep a journal about it.  Always.  This is how I can reference back to awareness's that I have made and work on what I need to do.  I can look over progress I have made or where I may be stuck.  I can gain deeper insight into my inner world by just bringing my feelings onto paper.  It is so relieving.

In addition to daily writing I have kept journals for:

1.  Body cleanses

2.  40-90-120 Day Yoga sadhanas

3.  Artwork

4.  Affirmation work

5.  Creative Recovery

6.  Food Sensitivities

7.  Grief Work

8.  Inner Child Work

and more.


In past Recovery Rising series I have facilitated I suggested students bring journals to class.  This was so they would have something on hand to write down their thoughts, ideas, insights, rants, or whatever else arose.  I also suggested that they continue a journal practice outside of class also.  This was merely a suggestion.

This time around I am not suggesting it I am making it an integral part of the program because I know it is an supportive, effective, powerful tool for someone on a self-healing path.  I am starting a new series this coming weekend and one of the requirements for the students will be to bring in a journal that they will use for their six-week journey.  I am giving them ample time to go out and let their heart guide them to the appropriate notebook, journal, etc.

I am including photos down below of various journal suggestions.  During my heavy inner child therapy phase I kept going to the colorful, fun, spiral notebooks.  When I just needed a notebook to write affirmations in or track my food sensitivities I would get the really cheap $1.00- $1.99 notebooks.  Natalie Goldberg the author of Writing Down The Bones suggests having those cheapo spiral notebooks on hand as you never know when inspiration will strike or you run out of room in your regular journal. When I feel like being more artistic in my journaling I will get an sketch journal.  The kind with just the blank white sketch pages with the black cover.  I have been known to decorate the front of those with construction paper and make my own decorative cover.

The journal I am currently using I picked up on a whim at CVS or Walgreens.  I can't remember which place.  Those places all look the same to me.  I love my new journal.  The colors of the cover make me happy.  The lines and design of the pages within inspire me to want to write.  I also love that it has a pink ribbon book marker attached. Bonus!

The Recovery Rising students are going to be given questions as prompts to assist them in their journal experience and asked to maintain a daily journal practice throughout the six- weeks.

For anyone who has thought about starting a journaling practice I would say that there is a reason you thought about it, so have you started it?  Cool.  If not....well.... then why not?  What is your excuse?  Come on.  What is the first excuse that comes to your mind?  Really?

If it was either of the two excuses listed above then I suggest you read this blog again or put pen to paper and start writing out "I don't know what to write" over and over until you push through and other words begin to emerge.  Try it.  What do you have to lose?  What do you have to gain?

Get out there.  Find a fun notebook or fancy journal that inspires you!  Let your heart guide you.

Get to know yourself:)  Your inner world is waiting to come into the light.

Journal!


Blessings,

Kristianna

Sometimes Reality Does Bite But There is One Thing That Can Help...

Self-Honesty

Change cannot truly take place without it

Recovery cannot happen without it

It is a simple action

It is a life changing action

It is scary

It is relief

It is liberating

Makes one breath deeper

It can really suck

Reality bites

Again

Change cannot take place without it

It requires one to take responsibility

For their actions

For their life

Facing ones truth

Just one truth about self

Can change ones life

No more hiding

No more pretending

No more wasted energy

Self-Honesty

Gets you on your knees

Breaks down walls

It can open doors

To new worlds and possibilites

Its scary

Its exciting

Its simple

Yet

One

Of

The

Hardest

Things

To Do

Getting honest with your self

Have you done it lately?

Just one thing?

One

itsy

bitsy

teeny weeny

tiny

thing

you have

not been facing

about

YOU.


Well, it is none of my business anyway if you have or have not been facing anything.  I just write this stuff as it comes through:)  However,  in the process of writing the above I felt myself pushing down something that has been trying to come to the surface for me to look at for the past week or so.  So the above really does speak some truth.  Crap.  Now that I wrote it I can't ignore whats coming up.  I can.  I always have a choice.  Denial really sucks though.  Ha.  Time for me to go journal.......

21 Reminders To Myself of What A Friend Is And Learning How To Be One.

"Life is Relationship and the best form of relationship is friendship."-Sri Bhagavan

"Do I want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future?"-Deepak Chopra

I was time traveling in my head today and thinking about the different types of friendships I have had in my life up until now.  It is hard for me to remember before age 9 what my friendships were like. I do remember the early relationship between my sister and I.  It certainly wasn't one of sisterly love.  In fact I did not really have any model of what it was like to have a close relationship with another girl.  I had no point of reference for when I entered into school and was learning how to form friendships with girls.   That kind of love and affection was not demonstrated in my family.

 I do remember from age 10 and forward most of my friendships.  I never really thought about them until recently.  That is because of my growing awareness of the kinds of friendships I want to have in my life now compared to the kind of relationships I have allowed in my past.

I was surprised about the common thread that ran through the friendships I had growing up.  Many girls that I considered my friends I actually allowed to treat me in a way that was not very kind or respectful.  The thing is the reason I allowed the girls I called friends to continue treating me in the way they did was because I didn't teach them how to treat me.  Nobody taught me.  I honestly thought it was just how life was.

When I was a young girl my Dad would joke around and poke fun at me alot.  I later realized this was about the only way he was able to communicate affection to me.  I thought being treated like that was just normal.  When I was in school I seemed to always be made fun of for one thing or another.  From my name to my hair, my teeth, the way I dressed and other things.  Once again, I thought that was normal.

The friends I had changed through elementary school, middle school, and high school.  The thing that I remember the most about those early school relationships was that I never knew when one of the girls I called my best friend was going to turn on me, stop talking to me, and/or turn our other friends against me.  I even remember one time on my birthday I asked this same girl  to please not pick on me that day or to stop talking to me because it was my birthday.  How messed up is that?

 I wanted friends.  So I accepted it.  Somehow it was how I thought life and friendship was suppose to be.  Make fun of Kristy.  She can take it.  Its just part of the fun.  I just continued being friends and playing the game.  It is not like my whole school experience was tragic.  I did have fun hanging out with the few girls I considered my friends.  I just didn't realize how much I let myself be teased by them or how much I teased back.  I had one best friend in high school.  I was grateful for that friendship.  I loved her and still do.

As I grew up and entered college I created new relationships with new women.  I love these women to this day, but I have to say even in those relationships I allowed myself to be treated in ways that were not respectful and to be fair I know I wasn't respectful towards them at times too.  Have you caught on to the fact that I had no clue about the meaning of values, self-respect, self-worth, or any sense of self-esteem!  I wasn't introduced to those terms until I was in my mid 20's.

I also went along with the behavior of a particular friend through out the years that had hurt me cell deep.  I just lived with the fact that I never received apologies for the hurts I received from them even after sharing my feelings of sadness and taking responsibility for the parts I played.  I simply still continued to be friends.  Even after time passed and we hadn't seen one another  I went back to this person hoping it would be different. Once again I allowed myself to not be valued and treated with the care that I now know should come with the covenant of a friendship.  I know more will be revealed about this one:)

Over the past month I have been doing some deep physical healing, participating in a 21 Day Meditation for Miraculous Relationships, and I have returned to the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous.  The combination of those three things have created an enormous shift in me in regards to the importance of relationships, especially with women.  The physical healing has taken me into a deeper relationship with my body.  The meditation challenge has created an awareness in me of how I want to be treated in relationships, and how I need to treat others in relationships.  It has opened my awareness to the running theme of my past relationships with women and the current state of relationships I have with other women.  The women in the rooms of NA are modeling the respectful ways of communicating with one another and I am paying attention.

One of the journal assignments in the 21 Day Meditation Challenge with Deepak Chopra was to make a list of the qualities I wanted in relationships.  I chose to focus on friendships.  Of course he then reminded me that all of those qualities needed to be cultivated in myself first and I also needed to go out in the world and demonstrate those qualities to others.

I am a beautiful person inside and out.  I am loved and lovable.  I have much love to offer in a friendship.  I am fiercely loyal and when I connect I connect deep.  I am shy and stand offish at first but to those who bare with me and give me a chance I soon open up and start talking.  Today I can say that I deserve relationships that are nurturing, kind, supportive, trusting, fun, and caring.  I don't have to accept a mediocre friendship just for the sake of having a friend in my life.  Those people are called acquaintances.

I know I have to work on how to be a friend too.  There are some areas of friendship that I fall short in.  The biggest one is calling back in a timely manner.  That has bitten me in the ass many times.  I am really aware and working on it.  I am also aware that I have not allowed myself to open up to someone I currently call a friend simply because I  have been afraid of what she would think of me if she got to really know me.  How can I expect someone to trust in me enough to share about their life issues if I am not willing to take my mask off and do so.  This is something else I am tending too.

I am not a perfect friend by any means.  I have alot to learn still and some more fears to move through, my self-esteem is not at 100%.  Today I want to have meaningful, respectful relationships in my life and I know those take work.  I am willing.

The following is a list I have created to remind myself of what friendship is to me:

1.  A friend does not make fun of me.  Doing so in any way would be like making fun of a six year little because in reality that is who is being hurt-my inner child.

2.  Friends share life events with one another both the ups and the downs.

3.  A friend makes time to see you in person even if they live in the same city.  If they care about you as a friend there is always a way to visit.

4.  Friends invite one another out to do things whether it be over a cup of tea, going to a movie, getting nails done, or just walking in the park.

5.  A friend is someone who is happy to be there by your side sharing in special occasions such as  weddings, graduations, baby showers, and other milestone life events.

6.  Friends value spending time together.

7.  A friend is someone who calls just say, "How are you today?"

8.  A friend is someone who calls the other out on their bullshit because they love them.

9.  A friend is someone you can sit with in quiet moments of comfortable silence together and not feel awkward.

10.  A friend is someone who will cradle you in their arms and let you break down in tears while they they rub your back and you soak their shirt in snot.

11.  A friend is someone who will be by your side when someone else has done you wrong.

12. A friend will just listen.

13.  A friend will give advice and be okay if you don't follow it.

14.  A friend will be there for you during heartaches, break -ups, and listen to your nightmare date stories.

15.  A friend may or may not say, "I told you so if you did not follow # 13.

16.  A friend is someone that is an awesome road trip companion.

17.  A friend will sooth you and calm you down behind a dumpster of a rock club because you drank to much and were convinced you were channeling the ghost of Jim Morrison.

18.  A friend will share a bed with you and be kind enough to let you know if she she is gassy.

19.  A friend believes in you no matter what and is your biggest cheerleader.

20. A true friend will be by your side no matter what changes you through.

21.  A beautiful friendship is when you do not see each other for years and when you finally do the relationship simply continues as if no time has passed.


In order to have friends and friendships like the ones I described in the above list I have to continue to nurture the relationship with myself.  I can even give to myself some of the experiences I described above.  It is about building trust with myself.



Some Ways I Am A Friend To Myself First:


1.  I  take the time to listen to my needs and feelings and tend to them.  I write them down if need be.

2.  I make sure I spend time with myself, and do things alone like taking myself to the park, out to eat, or to a movie.

3.   When I am sad or lonely or just depressed I make sure not to do something to numb or try to escape from myself.  I accept and embrace the feelings.  Sad times are the times to prove to myself that I can be there for me and not abandon myself.  I stop, take a deep breath, close my eyes, let the tears fall, and  I embrace myself until I fall asleep.  If I do need to call someone then I will.  Then I will fall asleep:)

4.  I now know that I have the right to stand up for myself and teach others how I want to be treated.

5.  I  take the time to check in with myself and just ask, "How are you today?" I then listen...really listen in the quiet comfortable moments.  Just with myself.

6.  I remind myself of my values and make choices according to them.  When I don't do this I get into crazy situations and experiences.

7.  I don't have to hold onto relationships that are no longer mutually respectable just for the sake of keeping a friend.  I am practicing self- respect, self-worth, and honoring my self by letting it go.  That way I can make room for the types of relationships that I am calling in.  I can make the choice of either gently releasing the person out of my life or just shifting their role  from "friend" to "aquaintance" status.


As the friendship with myself grows then the world around me will reflect that back.  It already is.  I already have evidence of it:)  Relationships are the root of prosperity.  More valuable than money.

Just For Today:  "I will value, respect, love, and honor myself. I will do the same for the relationships in my life. I will be grateful for the friends I have. I will take an active part in my friendships."

14 Truths I Have Admitted To Myself That Have Me Asking, "Now Who The Frack Am I!?

             

"Self- Image is the image your ego believes.  It takes its cues from  outside influences and is fueled by the fear of what others may think.  We hold our self- image based on feedback we have received from others." -Deepak Chopra and Oprah's 21 Day Miraculous Relationships Meditation.

The crazy in my head today insisted it dump out all the mumble jumble regarding the identity crisis I am going through.

The following question has been running through my mind lately, "Has anyone else past the age of 30 ever experienced a time in their life when they did not know really know who the frack they were?"  The crazy thoughts in my head like to make me believe I am the only one who has ever gone through an identity crisis.  The crazies like to make me believe I am always a special case.  I am the center of the world ya know.  They like to convince me that everyone else around me has it together and I am the only one who is lost.

I wrote in my last blog about how I stepped back from writing because something just wasn't feeling right about it anymore.  Turns out that was just a small piece of a larger issue that was slowly creeping up to the surface of my reality.  The fact is for a long time now many things have not felt right about my life.  I have felt frustrated, it has been super hard for me to breath, my health has been poor,  I have gotten annoyed at myself, annoyed at others, and annoyed at life in general.  I allowed myself to be taken over my negative mind and for the longest time I have not  been the nicest human being.

Living in a state of being like the one I just described is not an enjoyable place to be.  It is certainly not living a life of recovery or just plain living the life I deserve...happy, joyous and free.  See, I am not one to sit by and let things continue without playing the "observer" of my life so I started to pay attention.

As  I  went through my day I would start noticing what was sparking me to feel crazy annoyed. I would start to feel my body tense up with frustration when people would say certain comments to me.  I would feel my eyes roll into the back of my head when I would see certain images or read certain posts on Facebook. I would cringe when I would think about attending certain activities in the community that I once thought were events I should like.   As I paid more attention to why I was feeling so annoyed and uncomfortable and always wanting to scream  I realized what was going on. I knew I was fighting myself from admitting.......

I WAS NOT BEING AUTHENTIC!!!!

I was  actually holding onto an image of myself I had created based on the roles I took on a few years ago as a yoga instructor and yoga studio owner. That image was created by me and would eventually be fueled and sustained by what people started to see me as based on their feedback.  I really don't know how it happened.  It just....happened.  I mean don't get me wrong.  I loved being of service and assisting in bringing forth that studio.  I loved teaching yoga every week that first couple of years and currently I still do love teaching my Recovery Rising series.  I just got carried away trying to live up to a self-created image of myself not based on actual reality.  I was also trying to keep up living a lifestyle I thought I should be living  because I was in the compassionate loving world of yoga.

In my head I somehow thought that I was going to be some healthy lifestyle expert and a yoga instructor that could provide all the perfect answers to students questions of life.  I wanted to be that woman on the cover of the health magazine who was all glowing and dewy because she sustained herself on eating grass, nuts, berries, and kombucha tea.  I wanted to be raw and vegan and live an eco-friendly sustainable lifestyle and know how to make smoothies and juices and I wanted to know what all the cool superfoods were.


I thought I was suppose to love attending kirtans.  I was to love giving myself over to the ecstasy of the rhythm of my heart chakra as it opened and pulsated in unison with my crown chakra.  That unison would elevate me as I danced to the music all while being completely connected and at one with the universe.  I also tried to get into numerology, crystals, and oh good grief, it just went on and on.

I had really held onto this image of me in my head as this person.  I mean, didn't I learn from my new thought teachings that if I were to hold an image long enough I would manifest it and soon become it?  Yeah, right!  The honest to Gods truth is  -that image I held just did NOT work for me. My soul always knew the truth.  It always does.  My inner child does too.  She will always convey to me through feeling when I am out of alignment.  When I am not honoring those two aspects of my self ..... whoa nelly....it is breakdown time for me.

Even though it was becoming more clear what was causing me to walk around feeling annoyed at the world I still did not want to fully face the truth.  I allowed myself to stay in denial.  What the hell would I be if I couldn't play this role anymore?  I mean, why couldn't I be a shiny example of a raw food eating, yoga teaching, spiritual counseling, eco-conscious, festival going, astrology and numerology and crystal loving person.  Many of the people I hung around with were.

Truth is. I really don't know. I just know it is not me.  I finally had to sit my ass down and get truthful with myself about this or continue feeling how I was feeling....like shit.  The following list is what I came up with.  It wasn't easy to make myself face the following truths about myself.  I can say just after writing one down I immediately started to feel a sense of relief.  The more I wrote down the deeper I could breath.  I was really facing reality and not some perceived sense of reality.  It was deep man!

The fact of the matter is this is what my truth is right now ( always subject to change):

1. I am a "mindful" eater which means I mind to what my body needs.  Its needs are always changing.  I don't label myself as a vegan, vegetarian, raw, etc.  Currently my body needs meat.  Yes.  I eat meat!  I eat turkey and fish and occasionally red meat and I like it.  It nourishes me and sustains me.  I eat it only if it is organic, grass fed and has no hormones or antibiotics.  I cook it myself at home or I will eat at a place I know will have the above standards.  Most important is that I respectively pray and thank the animal for its medicine.  

2.  I don't drink juice anymore because it actually creates a not so positive condition in my body.  I didn't know that two years ago.  I just knew it I wanted to experience the positive benefits it had on others for myself.  I also felt so juicy cool spouting off all the time that I was enjoying my awesome juice made of eight different greens.  Seriously juicing is not for everyone.

3.  My life does not revolve around yoga.  I do not currently teach it.  I do practice restorative yoga and Kundalini yoga on occasion. You will probably not ever see photos of me in hatha yoga postures.  I originally went into teacher training for Kundalini Yoga to learn tools I could one day incorporate into a program I was creating in my mind for recovery and self-esteem .  I did not really intend to open a yoga studio and teach every week.   I did eventually create the recovery program I originally set out to and that is what my area of focus will be sometime in the future.  

4.  I do not follow a true yogic lifestyle.

5.  I barely know how to cook and I am still trying to figure out what foods work best for me.  I do not touch most raw foods anymore except an occasional salad,  soaked almonds, and fermented raw vegetables.  Again, raw unfermented vegetables do not do well in my system.  Just because something looks crazy, sexy, cool does not mean it is meant for everyone.

6.  Do not ask me about astrology or numerology.  I can refer you to an amazing people who do live and breath it.  They are awesome.

7.   I do enjoy an occasional kirtan gathering but I just don't live for them....I tried too.....I can do about one or two a year.  Then I am over it.  I do wonder how I would feel if I were the one singing? Hmmmm.....

8.  I want to contribute to making the earth a better place and be all sustainable and stuff but I probably don't do a very good job at it.  I recycle.  That's something.  I tried the whole compost thing a couple years ago. The compost container is sitting out in the backyard with weeds growing in it.  I tried.  Perhaps one day.  I do want to grow fresh garlic one day.  Fresh garlic is the bomb.

9.  Most of my cleaning products are natural but I am confessing that there is a bottle of Lysol and Goo Gone under my kitchen sink and Kroger brand hand wash in the upstairs bathroom.

10.  I will say this.....I make sure apporximatley 90% of the foods I eat are organic.  I am firm about that!

11.  I really don't like Kombucha Tea.  I tried too.  It just sucks.   I do drink coconut kefir though.  It is much better.   I'll admit that.

12.  I want to learn a martial art.  One day I will train.  I will kick ass and probably get my ass kicked.  At least I will feel alive.

13.  I prefer dancing to sitting down and meditating. I  still do practice meditation because it assists with calming the crazies in my head.

14.  I swear more than I probably should.  It is not classy I know.  I do my best to keep it out of sacred spaces: )


I know darn well it was my shaky self-worth that attached itself tight to the role of a yoga instructor and studio owner.  The start of the studio was prior to all the healing and trauma recovery I would eventually go through.  When I assisted in opening the studio my self-worth was still based primarily on what I did and accomplished and not who I was just being a human.   Prior to stepping into the yoga teacher role I really did not pay much attention to the above lifestyle I tried to live.  Having a new purpose and a title made me feel a sense of worth I hadn't felt before.  It was nice.  I felt grown up.   It just didn't last.  Truth will always rise to the surface no matter what.

 Now I ask myself, who am I ?  What do I want to be when I grow up?  I am starting my 12 step worksbook so I am sure way more will be revealed:)  It is still just really freaking strange.  No matter though.  It is worth it to be in the uncomfortable feeling of transition and uncertainty knowing I finally got honest with myself.  There is sweet freedom in facing reality. I really do feel like I have no identity.

I am enjoying writing again because I am allowing my true personality to come through this time and I am not holding back.  I am going to do my best to keep the following in mind as I go through this transition...

"I am so much more than an image I hold of myself based on the outside world.  Today I will do my best to accept who I am right now in this moment with kindness, compassion, and love."  I will probably forget to do that, but, its nice I am writing it down so I can look back at this and remind myself:)  Hey, I am just being honest!

Recovery Rising Blog Returns: The Crazy in my Head Wants To Say Hi To The World!

My head is literally overflowing with blog posts that won't leave until I get them out.  The good, the bad, the bat shit crazy, most of all the recovery.  I'm probably going to do the whole 30 day challenge thing but since I have some issues with commitment I am going to just....um.....show up at my computer everyday and see what happens.  Little mind tricks I have to play with myself.

I heard a great line from someone in recovery that I am getting to know and loving every minute of it.  I was sharing with her how right now in my life I am not sure about anything.  I am not really connected to anything,  things I once enjoyed don't hold the same interest for me, I feel like I am in an in -between,  no mans land zone and it is just plain weird.  She said, "It sounds like you are backing up and getting ready to punt."  I said, "What?"  She said once again, "It sounds like you are backing up and getting ready to punt.  You are simply stepping back, gearing up, evaluating, and getting ready for your next move forward."  She may not have said it in those exact words but the whole backing up and punting reference was right on.:)  I got what she meant and that is how I remember it.  Its all part of just be-ing and changing and re-evaluating. I am also going through some intense dietary changes to heal myself of candida too.  It just never ends.

Anyways.  The one thing that keeps going through my mind besides the voice that tells me, "Get your ass to recovery meetings" is "start blogging again."  Oh yeah.  I had some interesting conversations in my head with this voice about blogging again.  For starters I feel I have nothing to say.  Blah. Blah.  Funny I have nothing to say,yet, I have a whole list of blog post topics that came flooding out of me this past weekend.

So here I am.  In my voice.  Embarking on sharing.  Yep.  There really is alot I have to share based on the past few months of retreating, having a physical, mental, and spiritual breakdown, getting back on path, healing my physical body, and returning my happy rebellious ass to the rooms of Narcotic Anonymous.

Do I share my journey because I need some kind of witness or attention. Hmmmm....perhaps.  Who doesn't want to witnessed?  Honestly, I have always been called to write a blog.  I just have been half-assed about it.  Part of my problem is that before when I was writing my blog I was doing it through the voice of someone I was trying to make myself be.  Not who I really am.  There was nothing wrong with what I wrote.  I wrote from my heart, but, something just didn't feel right.  I didn't know what it was.  I couldn't put my finger on it.  Well, I soon did and that is going to be a topic for another blog post....

I have accepted this calling of sharing myself before and I am here doing again.  I haven't any profound answers.  I don't have great spiritual rhetoric to spout off.   I'm just  going through this growing process and just trying to figure it out one day at a time.  I'm sharing my experience, strength, hope, sarcasm, cuss words, truth, humor, honesty, and humility.  Honestly, I don't know shit.  I'm still learning.  What I do know is life happens one day at a time, one breath at a time, and one kick ass bowel movement at a time....seriously.  I mean that last one.  You know its true too:)

Stay tuned to Recovery Rising.  There is alot of good crazy coming out of my head.  For now it is time to get my booty to a recovery meeting.

Blessings,

Kristianna


There is only a fine line between crazy and genius:)

Self-Worth Awareness: Ask Yourself The Following Question...

What is your motivation?

This question, this simple little question, has had an incredible impact on my self-worth awareness.  Yes.  It is simple.  Yet incredibly powerful.  "What is my motivation?"

My ego does not enjoy when I ask myself this question. 

What is my motivation when I am in a heated discussion with another person?  

What is my motivation when I am judging somebody? 

What is my motivation when I share information, comments, status updates, and pics on Facebook?

What is my motivation behind clinging to certain "titles, roles, jobs, etc?"

What is my motivation behind sharing what I do in blog posts?

What is my motivation when I stay busy all the time and won't allow myself to rest?

I could go on but I will stop with just these questions. When I ask these questions I have a quick awareness of just where my sense of worth is tied up.  If I am judging somebody then I am  not feeling good enough about myself in some area.  If I start to panic at the thought of not being at a certain job or carrying a "title" or "playing" a life role then I can tell what my self-worth is based on.  If I find myself staying busy all the time and not resting then I am telling myself my needs are not worth anything.  I am not worthy of self-care.  My do-ing is what makes me worthy.

I ask myself sometimes why do I share on Facebook?  Am I basing my worth on how people respond to me, see me, or the "illusion"of me I create.  Is there a part of me that needs to be heard and seen to feel worth anything?  Or is it because I just enjoy posting updates and sharing information with others?

Let me say that I do not create an illusion. I am quite honest and forward about what I share.  The "illusion" is that every pic I post is me happy and having a good time.  That is only a part of my life.  There is another part that isn't always like that.

I enjoy sharing through social media including blog posts.  I have accepted this and as long as I keep asking myself, "What is my motivation?" I keep myself in check:)  I have started asking myself this question and since I have it has stopped me from many judgemental remarks and posts, arguments, lack of self-care moments, and painful awareness of how quickly I can get my worth tied up in a role or do-ing.  

If you can relate to any of the questions above then I invite you to ask yourself one or two of them.  What are your initial reactions?  What physical sensations happen in your body?  What are your first thoughts?  Just notice.  Cultivate Awareness.


"We are taught in this society to look outside to define ourselves and give us a feeling of worth,  We have worth if we are better than others.  We are validated in comparison to others, for being smarter, richer than, prettier, more talented, etc.  This empowers the illusion of separation and feeds the fear of not being good enough."

"True Self-Worth does not come from comparing to or judging others but going within and awakening to the connection of others.  When we look within and define our own truths we can celebrate the differences of each other instead of judging from fear."

"True self-worth comes from accessing your internal truth within-that state of grace which is your true being.  Only you can define your truth NOT the media, your employers, friends, family, only you!"

"Anyone who feels they have to be productive to feel good about themselves will feel like a victim
when not productive."

Self-Criticism to Self-Acceptance. Change Your Words. Change Your World. Change The World.

"Neuropeptides are chemical messengers that travel throughout the body whenever we think a thought or speak a word. When are thoughts are angry, judgemental, or critical, the chemicals they produce depress our immune system. When thoughts are loving, empowering, and positive the messengers carry chemicals to enhance the immune system, The communication between the mind and body never sleeps. Your mind is constantly relaying your thoughts to cells in your body." -Louise Hay ,Empowering Women: Every Woman's Guide To Successful Living.

Something amazing happened to me this past Sunday morning.  I experienced a magical moment in which I could see and feel the universe celebrating and dancing with me.  I am not kidding.  It was in this magical moment that for the first time in my life I allowed myself to acknowledge I have a gift.  Yes. I know my very existence is a gift.  I get that.  The gift I am speaking of is a "talent."  Something I do well and can share with others.

This moment came when I was in the shower.  I had put the finishing touches on a class I was to teach just hours later.  I had spent Friday and a good part of Saturday evening restructuring the format of this class that I had taught back in 2011.  While I was in the shower I kept running the outline of the class through my head and visualizing the flow of events.  As I was watching it play out from beginning to end I was quite taken back by the changes I had made. In the next moment a mixture of confidence and excitement washed over me.  It was as if someone else took over my body for a moment.  I felt my mouth open and out came the words,  "Oh my God, I really do have a gift for designing workshops!  Hello, look how many amazing two and three hour workshops you have created.  Some of the best ones you have taught were put together in one night.  Not only that you are darn good at facilitating and sharing these teachings!"

What happened after that moment was just as magical. You may not believe what I say, but, that is okay I know what I saw.  After I spoke those words I looked into around me and saw little flicks of light dancing around.  At first I was sure it was due to how I moved my eyes.  It is common to see flashes of light when the eyes move in a certain way.  No, it wasn't that.  After the flickers of light disappeared I tried to move my eyes exactly the same way and nothing happened.  Why do I share this?  I share it because I want to believe that when I acknowledged something positive about myself the whole universe danced including my energy field.

I have spent most of my life feeling less than.  I have had admiration for many women and men through out my lifetime.  Some for their talents, some for their confidence, some for their intelligence, and others for how amazingly authentic they live.  I have also lived much of my life playing the supporting role in other peoples dreams.   This was because for so long I had no confidence in manifesting my own dreams.  I had no clue that I had an inner hard drive (subconscious) that was running a software program (belief system/core issues) of "I don't matter and I am not good enough."  I literally spent years believing I had no talent and no gifts to offer the world.  I would continue to draw in people and situations to reinforce this core belief system. This included a soul crushing experience in my college theatre department days that to this day changed my relationship with acting.

Stating to the universe that I have a talent and really believing it is not normal for me.  Let me emphasize the "believing" part.  It has been difficult for me most of my life to accept compliments.  That is not uncommon for someone who has low self-esteem and low self-worth. It used to be hard to believe someone when they would compliment me on my writing, acting, pastel drawings, or even the rare times I would sing in public.

It has certainly gotten better over the past few years for me.  My self-esteem and self-worth has increased because I was fortunate enough to discover the root cause of my trauma.  I was also able to get crystal clear about my main core issues.  I eventually gave in and discovered ways to change the software (belief systems) that had been running my life.  Experiencing that "magical moment" of acknowledging my gift took a lot and I mean A LOT of work and dedication.

I know it was no accident I made those statements to the universe just hours before that particular class.  It was the class of the Recovery Rising series that affirmations and mirror work are introduced.

Yes, affirmations!

I'm sure some of you reading this will remember a little skit from Saturday Night Live starring Al Franken as Stuart Smalley.  He would sit in front of a full length mirror in a soft pastel yellow sweater and repeat affirmations to himself.  Uggh.  It was because of that skit that I did not want to even entertain the idea of "affirmation work."  Give me a break.

I look back now and can see I was only hurting myself and prolonging the pain within by not having an open mind and being willing to try something new.  I was judging something based on a comedy skit from 1991!   That is what inspired me to bring up the following questions before we moved into the affirmation part of last Sunday's class, " Why is it acceptable in our society to walk around being self-critical all the time?  Why is it easier to walk around speaking negative words to self than it is to walk around repeating positive loving words?"   My point is people get uncomfortable when it comes to self-love talk.  I know.  I have witnessed it and I have also been one of those people.  It makes me wonder what this world would be like if we all were comfortable with showering our ourselves with positive loving talk.

We all have the power to change.  The change has to come from within and it begins with the words we say to ourselves.  The new hair cut, new breasts, last 10 pounds, change of location, new girlfriend or boyfriend will only serve to distract you temporarily from how you feel within and patterns that may need to change.  We have the power  change our physical body.  We also have the power to change our thought patterns.

Louise L. Hay states in her book, "You Can Heal Your Life" that body problems, money problems, relationship problems, and lack of creative expression are all side effects of:  Not Loving The Self.  One of the first things she would have people do when they came to her for help was look in the mirror and say, "I love and accept you exactly as you are."  You can read in her book about how people reacted when going through that experience.  Not an easy thing to do.  Talk about powerful in the face feedback.

When I read the affirmation, "I love and accept you exactly as you are" part of me still snickers and sees Stuart Smalley.  After I get the snicker out I remind myself how strange it is not to flood myself with kind loving words.  When I first started this work I  had to begin with, "I am willing to love and accept myself."  That is how much I was resisting.

There are so many affirmations out there to choose from.  If you know your specific core issues/negative thought patterns you can create specific affirmations to shift them.  If you have a physical imbalance it is possible there is a negative thought pattern that assisted in creating it.  If you are interested in learning more about how negative thought patterns can contribute to physical dis-eases please read, "You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.

If you are new to affirmations and want one to start with I suggest starting with, "I Love and Accept Myself." It is the foundation of self-healing.  It will probably feel uncomfortable at first, but, isn't starting anything new?  If you have ever lifted weights with the intent of building muscle you may remember the first couple sessions.  You may have felt weak and perhaps a bit self-conscious. Your muscles may have felt sore and uncomfortable a day or two after the first workout.  You may not have seen bulging biceps right away,but, after a couple of months of dedicated sessions you started to see results.  If anyone out there does have a goal of developing bulging biceps be sure to check your  motivation behind building them.  If it is based on low-self worth then all your going to have is bulging biceps and low self-worth.  Think about how many years you have lived with negative thought patterns.  It will take time to shift into new ones, but, with discipline it can happen.

As for me I am still changing my inner world.  Some days are better than others.  I am having more days like last Sunday and it feels good.  I have three affirmations I am working with right now and clearly they are doing something right.  I write each one out 25 times before I go to bed.  If I am in an appropriate place to do so I may also sing them, dance them, and say them when looking into a mirror.  I also do something for myself to reinforce the affirmation.  When I was all about the love and accepting myself I would do something nice for myself such as take a relaxing bath and cuddle up in a blanket, or, I would take myself out on a date.  Yes.  All by myself on a date.   Heck, I still do those things.  Self-love never ends!

It is Valentine's Day week.   How about giving yourself the gift of no negative self-talk for a day!

As for me I am looking forward to more magical moments and perhaps one day facilitating an all day workshop!

All I have to do is the next right thing.......and be nice to myself!

Oh, and did I happen to mention the book, "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay?

Another favorite book I mention ALL the time is, "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die" by Karol Truman