Surviving To Thriving: Why I Chose To Leave Everything Familiar To Face My Greatest Fear....

"I want to go back to what is comfortable.  I want to go back to what I know.  I want to go back to the house where I knew who I was.  The place where I knew my role.  It is a comfortable place....but I can't.  Sigh.  There is a reason I had to pack my things and leave that familiar life.  I had to leave the safety of the walls I knew for eight years. The security I could always depend on. There was a reason I had to say good-bye to the dog I raised from the time she was eight weeks old and a reason I had to painfully separate from the man to whom I said, In sickness and in health till' death do us part."

It has been almost eight months now since I left that house and embarked on my own heroes journey.  I have felt like I have been in the wilderness for months and I am just starting to settle into this place I now call my home.  I do not know "my role" or "my identity" right now.  In fact, that has been something I have been working on rediscovering since I had my trauma break down/open on October 11, 2011.

Since then nothing has been the same

Last year at this time the thought of what I am doing right was sending chills through my spine.  Fear, self-doubt and self-blame paralyzed me.  The doubts were from seeds planted long ago in the fertile soil of my youth and watered for years with painful words from a man who convinced me that I would never be able to survive on my own in this world. A man who wanted to protect me from the pain of the world. A man who tried to convince me nobody else would ever love someone like me. Those words along with a host of other demeaning words and actions would be repeated through out the years.  Eventually those seeds became strong held beliefs that grew like crabgrass weed taking over my mind and body. Weeds that twisted and suffocated out any belief in me that I could be good enough, capable enough or lovable enough.

In the 12 years I was connected to that man I had every material thing I could possibly dream of: cars, million dollar condo in a big city, education, clothes, credit cards, etc.  I snapped my fingers and it appeared.  No matter what.  In the beginning I was naive and it was feeding all my twenty something year old fantasies.  Then time passed by.   I had everything I could ever want on the outside.  I had zero self-esteem and zero self-love on the inside.  They had both been slowly stripped away from me through years of emotional abuse, manipulation, and constant fear.  A fear that at any time everything was going to be taken away from me and I would be homeless.

 For the longest time I did not believe I could take care of myself.  So I didn't.  The co-dependency that was developed in my childhood grew even stronger in adulthood.  I became angry, vindictive, lost, and I fell head first into a world of substances that I discovered could take all the pain of the reality I created away.  I was filled with nothing but self-hatred, anger, and unforgiveness towards myself and this other person, and life in general.

I did not know I had the power within me to make a change

 I did not know I had a choice

Then I found the world of recovery.  A small glimmer of something called hope started to catch my eye.  I followed it's light and slowly my life began to change.  The recovery world helped me cultivate just enough inner strength and self-esteem to start standing up for myself.  I started to learn about the word, choice.  I chose to start taking my power back and releasing myself from that person. It didn't happen over night but one day it finally did.

I had a year and two months into recovery and was just starting experience living on my own when I met my would be husband.  I had barely scratched the surface of getting in touch with the deep emotional pain I held within my cells, muscles, and bones.  Pain that had been locked up inside of me from my youth up until I met him. At that time I had no clue of the repressed trauma that was going to explode out of me down the road after we were married.  I had no clue the bones of the person I had been from birth up until October 11, 2011 would suddenly shatter into hundreds of dusty pieces all around.  I did not know that every year since then I would be picking up those bones and rebuilding a whole new skeleton while La Loba, the Woman Wolf, sang over them bringing me back to life. I just knew I was attracted to this man. He was attracted to me. It was game on.  We met on Thanksgiving day and we were married by April.

I did not heal any part of my past before I entered into marriage.  I just dragged a whole lot of baggage into it.  After a while of being married I found myself settling back into familiar dependent patterns.  These patterns started to trigger deep wounds of dis empowerment and victim hood within me.  I hated those feelings.  Those feelings included a seething anger that was always boiling right under my skin.  There would be good days and bad days.  I worked really hard on releasing the anger.

Healing

 I spent years doing the deep inner work I was guided too.  I wanted inner peace.  I wanted freedom. The anger was what I had to listen and pay attention too.  It was my messenger.  Since that fateful day in 2011 the underlying message had been that I needed to go out into the world and stand on my own two feet.  I kept ignoring the message out of fear, but, it would not go away.  The messages kept coming to me at different times through different mediums including the guidance system deep within my stomach.

IT WAS TIME TO FACE MY GREATEST FEAR

I had to face myself and find out what I was made of.  My wings had been clipped in my 20's and I did not learn how to fly like others my age.  My next phase of trauma healing would not be able to be done within the cocoon of a marriage. My husband and I knew our  relationship was not working in its current incarnation.  I knew on my part what had to be done if  there was ever going to be any hope.

Where I had to go I had to go alone. Loving myself and doing what needed to be done to cultivate that had to come first.  If I was ever going to have a chance at having a healthy relationship with myself and perhaps one day a healthy relationship with a man this journey had to be taken.  It was time for me to release the baggage that I did not give myself the chance to release before.

I HAD TO KNOW I COULD MAKE IT ON MY OWN IN THIS BIG WORLD

It was so painful to leave my husband because I did not want to hurt him.  I did not want to cause pain to another human being again. Even though by staying as long as I did was still  hurting him.  I was so frustrated that this had to affect our relationship like it did.  In true co-dependent fashion I automatically took the blame for all it.  I have gotten alot better at releasing some of it.  Yet I still wonder,  "How could I leave a man who truly loved me through some pretty painful and terrifying times- trying times a lesser man would have probably run from?" I'm still coming to terms with that part but for now all I know is....

 It had to be done

Trauma recovery is brutal. I did not ask to have to hurt others in the name of healing myself.   I did not ask for what happened to me in my youth  to unconsciously set the course of the rest of my life until October 11th.  This shit is painful.  This path I chose is not for the faint of heart.  Yes.  I am scared.

It is the wilderness for me

I am still alive though.  I have a job(s), food in my stomach, a roof over my head, and friends that support me.  Everyday is different and seems to bring with it different emotions to feel and walk through. Some days I am curled up in the fetal position with tears streaming down my face, while other days I am punching the shit stuffing out of a heavy bag.  Still other days I just want to lay on my couch and stare out the window. There are plenty of good feeling days too. The most important thing for me is cultivating a simple life.  A simple low to no chaos structured life.  I have never really known what that is.  It is vitally important for my recovery.  I am facing what I need to face and healing through it the best that I can.  I may be scared, but, at least I can say I am doing it and have been for close to eight months now.  I know the fear will lessen as time goes by.  All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward one day at a time.

I am not a helpless girl who needs rescued anymore.

I am a woman who is growing stronger everyday in many ways.

I am my own parent now.

I am my own protector.

I am a survivor.

I am a thriver.

I am learning who I am
all over again.

I am learning to love myself.

I am being reborn.

I am my own heroine.


If you made it to the end I want to say thank you from the deepest recesses of my heart for witnessing a sliver of my story.  For some reason it was supposed to be shared.  I followed the call and wrote what I felt comfortable sharing. I trust there is a reason. This small part is enough for now.  I will be following up with more blog posts regarding my journey as I am "called" to do so.  I will soon be introducing a whole new blog and facebook page that will be a more current reflection of my re-discovery journey "from surviving to thriving."  I am waiting until mercury goes direct to introduce it.  Until then I will be staying here posting in Recovery Rising.

Namaste. Sat Nam. Aho. Blessed Be.

-Kristianna

Depression: A Fight That Cannot Be Won But There Is Something That Can Be Done..

"There is no sun without shadow, and it is essential to know the night. -Albert Camus, "The Myth of Sisyphus"

"He who learns must suffer,
Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget,  falls drop by
drop upon the heart and in our own despair, against our will,
comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.  -Aeschylus, Agamemnon

"One heals suffering only by experiencing it to the full." -Marcel Proust

I am sitting at my desk on a snowy Monday morning here in Nashville, Tn.  Yes.  It is snowing here, finally!  It is peaceful outside as the last few flakes of this long awaited snow storm falls.  Some unfortunate humans have spent the morning chipping ice off their over sized metal tanks they call automobiles so they can make their daily commute into the daily grind. While others spent moments in conflict as to whether or not to use this fine day as an excuse to stay home.  And some did.  I was called off of work. The birds are chirping away outside and the squirrels are catching air from tree to tree.  The animal kingdom unfazed by the fresh blanket of white snow that has brought a hush to the neighborhood.  The squirrels play on.  The birds peck for bugs and worms in the frozen ground.  Nature in perfect harmony.

Meanwhile inside the pink room on Barksdale Harbor Dr……….

I am sitting in my office and thinking about the events of this past weekend and how once again I was reminded of how much:  DEPRESSION SUCKS!  I have not felt in harmony with nature or like running and skipping or chasing anyone from tree to tree.  No.  Not me.  Not for the past few days.

Depression.

I have had to deal with this on and off for most of my life.  I have been on anti-depressants and off of them.  I have explored every conceivable unhealed core issue there is in me.  I have researched the effects of my gut health in connection to my brain as a cause.  I have learned about how depression is a separation from universal love and a call from my soul.  I know certain substances I took in college really messed up my brain chemistry.  I know depression is a call to go inwards and see what needs to be tended to in life that is out of alignment.  I know its possibly frozen anger or unattended to grief.  I know it could be one or all of the above at once.

It doesn't make it any easier knowing any of the above are possibilities.  Sometimes it just plain sucks.

This weekend was bad.  Real bad.  It felt surreal.  I wish there was a word for what the state of being which is feeling 90% numb and disconnected from the world around me and 10% feeling a pit of sadness in the stomach from which I cannot fight because it will win.

I realize there are fortunate souls out there who have never experienced depression.  I am not talking about having an off day because someone or something has made me upset.  I am talking about
D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N.  Only those who have experienced real depression know the pain of what I speak.

This weekend was a reminder to myself about what to do when depression creeps up and takes a hold.  I actually did go back and read my own blog posts from a couple years ago and I must say they were great reminders. Dealing With Depression: Part One and Dealing With Depression: Part Two  The part I needed to be reminded about the most was to:

 LET MYSELF BE DEPRESSED. 

I was not doing that for the first half of Saturday.  I was fighting it.  Also, I was not only dealing with being depressed but I also was dealing with the inner conflict of feeling bad because I was depressed.  The shame of it.  Talk about a war within.

I spent a good part of Saturday morning at the library.  What a shocker  to find myself in the health and healing section reading books on "healing emotions".  I really didn't mean too.  Honestly.  I actually went in to pick up a copy of Wuthering Heights.  I found it and before I knew it I ended up in the self-help section.

Yes.  The self-help section.  I put myself on a self-imposed ban from that section but something led me over there.  I ended up glossing over all the book titles that just seemed to scream at me, "Pick me. Pick me.  I have the answer.  I'll solve your problem.  I'll take your pain away."  I was not in the mood for the latest "flash in the pan self-help guru" book.  No.  There was a reason I was drawn over there and I soon discovered it.  After ample browsing I ended up settling on two books from authors I have never heard of, but, whom laid out the exact down to earth information I needed to hear at that moment of my depression.  So I took them home.

The three things I was reminded of regarding why my depression cycle happened:

1.  I still have unresolved grief

2.  Triggers set off by unresolved trauma from childhood

3.  Eating food I shouldn't causing depression via a serotonin/flora imbalance in my gut

My friend who is going through a cycle of depression herself texted me and shared something really helpful.  It also was in alignment with a chapter of a book I am reading.  This chapter talks about triggers and how to build a bridge between  unresolved inner child wounds from the past and the present reality of the adult in the present.

This is what my friend shared:

"In depression I am overly sensitive.  I just keep getting my feelings hurt.  I'll need to decide what is real and what is not when I am feeling better."

I totally got that.  For me, when I get triggered it is hard for me to know what is real and in the present moment and what is the perception of my wounded inner child taking me back to a pocket of time that holds unresolved pain.  The subconscious does not know linear time.  So if something triggers me and I have not healed that part of me I will be taken right back to the original pain and that age.  I will regress emotionally.  If I am to far into a depression it is hard for me to distinguish between what is the past (my wounded inner child perception) and what is reality (the adult perception of now).

As the depression lessens I can better distinguish:  "Am I feeling and seeing through the eyes of my wounded inner child (the past) or the eyes of an adult (the present)?"

I do know the best tool for me to use the other day was to: Let myself be depressed.  Once I consciously surrendered to the depression I then allowed myself to share with my husband that I was f'in depressed.  After that I  went upstairs and laid down with my cat and just allowed myself to stare at the wall and be depressed.  Believe it or not in the surrender I was then able to feel a sense of peace.  Not shame for being depressed..but peace.  I didn't try to apply any other tools.  I just surrendered for that day.

The next day I felt the same but was more of a willingness to do something.  I put some essential oils that are recommended for depression in my diffuser and applied them on my body.  I allowed myself to connect to my breath, turned on the music, and allowed my body to move.  I didn't force it.  I allowed it to express what it needed through dance and it didn't fail me. It certainly moved out some deep, stuck energy out through my dance.  I then went and attended a 12 step meeting, and after that went to a Kundalini Yoga class.

I never forced anything.  After I surrendered to allowing myself to be depressed something inside of me knew it was going to be alright….eventually.

There are so many possible reasons people experience depression.  No two people experience depression the same and no two people are going to deal with it exactly the same.  Someone may read this and think I am full of shit.  Which is fine.  This is my experience.  You will have a different one.  I can share tools that have worked for me and perhaps they may help others.  I don't know.  That is not for me to say.  What I do want say is this:  If anyone is suffering from depression right now just SURRENDER to it.  Please don't add anymore shame or inner conflict to your life.  Let it be.  You have to feel it if you want to heal it.   No matter how much you try to fight the reality of it you won't win.  Cultivate acceptance.  One breath at a time.  One day at a time.

I will end this blog with an excerpt from one of the two books that spoke to me this weekend:

Surrendering:  TO LET IT GO, YOU HAVE TO LET IT FLOW

Surrendering is an extension of befriending emotional energy.  It is about allowing emotional energy to flow to its end point.  Surrender is not about becoming passive and saying, "What the hell-I don't give a damn what happens anymore, so I'll just drink this quart of scotch and slobber in my sorrow."  It doesn't mean letting go of your senses or your awareness.  It means  being fully present to emotional energy and letting it pass through your body until it is gone.  A basic axiom of surrender is:  To let it go you have to let it flow.  You can't let go of a dark emotion until you have fully experienced its truth.

-Healing Through The Dark Emotions:  The Wisdom of grief, fear, and despair by Miriam Greenspan

Depression is a call from the soul to learn a deeper truth about self.  First we have to befriend it and listen.  Even if there is only numbness there still is a message.  It's up to you to find your personal way of receiving it.

I am going to go back to watching the squirrels now and enjoy the quiet snow.  There is such peace in the constant of nature.

Be kind to yourself.

Truly.

It will pass.  Nothing in nature stays the same.

32 Reasons Why Addiction is Both A Gift and A Curse

 32 Reasons Addiction is Both A Gift and a Curse

Addiction is a Curse:

1.  It is a curse because in active addiction one DOES NOT HAVE A CHOICE.

2.  It is a curse when you are taking a substance that you know is harming you and no matter how much destruction you know it is causing to your body you just cannot stop.

3.  It is a curse when loved ones have to bear witness to the self-centered, destructive, actions of some one in active addiction.

4.  It is a curse because it leads one to reach out to anything to help fill the emptiness within-the spiritual void.  It constantly has us looking for that person, place, or thing that will make everything all right and that will help us cope with daiy living and reality.

5.  It is a curse when one walks around in denial that they are in fact an addict.

6.  It is a curse when the disease of addiction  has someone convinced that just because they are still functioning in their job, earning an income, and have a roof over their head they could not possibly be considered an addict.

7.  It is a curse when using for fun on the weekends turns into having to use every day of the week.

8.  It is a curse when one thinks an addict is only someone who is a junkie living on the streets and not someone who is a mom that takes prescription painkillers everyday.

9.  It is a curse when a person does not want to reach out for help because they think it would be a sign of weakness or sickness in the eyes of society.

10.  It is a curse when the shame is to great to to ask for help.

11.  It is a curse when people around do not understand the nature of addiction and do not take the time to understand addiction is a symptom of deeper core issues that are both psychological and physiological in nature.

12.  It is a curse a person thinks addiction only applies to "drugs and alcohol."  (Alcohol is a drug)

13.  It is a curse when one has sought out a path of recovery and then chooses to go back out and use again.

14.  It is  a curse when you are in a recovery program and do not apply the simple suggestions laid out to maintain a solid path of recovery.

15.  It is a curse when one is clean but living dirty.  Putting down the substance or behavior does not equal recovery.

16.  It is a curse because the ultimate goal of the dis-ease of addiction is to take a person to their death.

Only an addict knows that throbbing sensation of every cell in their body screaming for just one more.  The addict knows the agony that is felt when every fiber of their being is pulsating with the need to satisfy the craving.   An addict knows the curse of obsessive thoughts that do stop until the compulsive actions kick in to do whatever needs to be done to feed the addiction.  The thoughts that just cry for one more hit over and over and over.  Whatever needs to be done to stop them..….

Addiction is a Gift:

1.  It is a gift if one understands addiction is a symptom of a deep emotional core issue(s) and/or physiological and energetic imbalances.

2.  It is a gift because it alerts people to the reality that something within is just not right.  Something needs to be paid attention too.  It provides an opportunity for the suffering addict to learn about themselves on a deep level and to heal deep emotional wounds, traumas, and core issues that otherwise would cause pain and heartache for the rest of ones life.

3.  It is a gift that leads people into support communities with others who understand how someone with the dis-ease of addiction thinks, functions, and, interacts with society.

4.  It is a gift because someone with the dis-ease of addiction can reach out and be there for another who is suffering.  An addict understands another addict in a way others may not.  There is a therapeutic value when one addict helps another.

5.  It is a gift because it creates an incredible sense of compassion for self and others and deep sense of humility.

6.  It is a gift because it teaches self-forgiveness and forgiveness towards others.

7.  It is a gift because having the dis-ease of addiction teaches us to live "just for today" and that every day without using is a day won.

8.  It is a gift because people who are addicts come to understand the power there is in "surrendering to win."

9.  It is a gift because it allows a bunch of self-centered, self-obsessed people learn how to put into practice spiritual principles and actions such as  humility, compassion, self-love, love for others, forgiveness, and selfless service.

10.  It is a gift because gratitude is learned and experienced at a deep level.

11.  It is a gift because when one realizes they have the dis-ease of addiction they can rest assured they are not defective or have a moral deficiency.  There is hope.

12.  It is a gift because it teaches us to believe there is something greater than ourselves that can assist us in life…..beginning with lifting the desire to use and/or act out in a destructive behavior.

13.  It is a gift because it leads one to better understand that feeling of emptiness within that they were trying to fill with drugs/alcohol, etc.

14. It is a gift because it brings awareness to the need to be honest with self and others.

15.  It is a gift because when one becomes aware they are an addict they can begin to move out of a life lived in fear.

16.  It is a gift because it can lead one to an spiritual awakening.



When I speak of addiction as a gift I am speaking of it when one has started down a path of recovery.  That is when addiction turns into a gift.  Until then it can feel like a curse.  If I am following the suggestions given to me that have assisted countless other addicts in staying clean and living a life based on spiritual principles on a day to day basis then addiction is a gift.  If I don't follow the simple time tested suggestions than addiction can quickly become a curse.

 There are different paths of recovery out there one can choose to walk down mine just happens to be the path of 12 steps.  I do struggle from time to time with being in a 12 step environment.  There are some things about it that I just don't resonate with, but, the benefits far outweigh the parts of it that bother me.  It has saved my life in many ways.  It provides the "handbook" on how to face ones self and the insanity that is created in ones life from active addiction.  It teaches an addict how to take responsibility for their past actions, understand who they are, become aware of their assets as well as defects, ask for defects to be removed, make amends to others as needed, and give back to society through selfless service work.

It ultimately teaches one how to grow up and be a responsible member of society living a life based on spiritual NOT RELIGIOUS principles.

Is addiction going to be a gift or a curse for me today?

I don't know.  It is all up to what I choose.

Today I have a choice and I thank recovery for that.


The above is a list largely based on my own personal experience and reflection.  I asked input from a couple other of addicts and added their "gifts of addiction" to the list.  I know that I could not possibly think of every gift  and curse there is because I am but one human.  If you can relate to anything shared above and have your own "gift  or curse of addiction" to share then I invite you to please post it  in the comment section below.  The world can not have to many blogs and articles out there written from the experience of actual recovering addicts.  

Please remember being qualified as an addict is not limited to using "illegal substances."  It includes any mind- altering, mood changing substance or behavior that you are not able to stop using or acting out on.  That is any substance or behavior that creates unmanagability and insanity in your life.

I am not bold enough to claim addiction can be cured.  I know there are tools and techniques for people out there to utilize to bring their physiological and energetic imbalances back into balance. There are plenty of therapeutic resources to assist with healing trauma and core issues.  I know there are steps to take on a daily basis to assist with keeping the dis-ease "arrested."  I do know from experience that on any given day no matter how many years I have gone without using, and how many times I have been in therapy, or how many 12 step meetings I have attended the desire to want to use can return.  That is why I stick with a program to keep me in check and I keep in touch with other recovering addicts to remind me of this.  I also remember to look at the gifts it has given me.

There is hope for a new life.  If you are someone who is suffering from this dis-ease or you know someone who may be in active addiction remember nobody has to go through it alone.  There is help out there.  Everywhere.  People who understand and do not shame.  People who know what it is like and can help guide you to a new way of life.  There are thousands of people right now just waiting to reach their hand out and pull you out of the darkness and into the light.

" Great Spirit.  Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.  The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  Just For Today."

My 12 Step Journey: Leaving The Only Thing That Saved My Life..WTF?

I will be involving more 12 step wisdom along with personal experience, strength, and hope into my blogs as the days go on.  The following is a very censored and abridged version of what led me into the rooms of a 12 step program.  I save the unabridged version for my birthday meeting share and if I ever go into hospitals or institutions to share my story.  It is an important story-ever changing as the years go by.  There was a small point in time when I convinced myself that I no longer wanted to be identified or associated with "my story." I felt it had become my only identity and it was holding me to the past when I wanted to move forward.  The thing is the as I moved further away from my story I was moving away from where I came from.  I was moving away from the reality of what my life had become and the progress I had made to move out of the mess.  The more I moved away from "my story" the more I moved away from needing, the program. Today I know I don't have to be my story. I just have to observe, honor, and learn from it.

These past couple of years have been a serious roller coaster ride of ups and downs.  I have been deep into trauma recovery, self-esteem, self-love, and disordered eating recovery.  There is, however, one area of recovery that I had not been tending too.  An area of recovery that is the most important because this was the recovery program that saved my life and started it all.  That is the 12 step based recovery program of Narcotics Anonymous.

I do not make it a secret that I am in recovery.  It is such an integral part of my life that to hide it or try to separate myself from it is like hiding a part of who I am.  If I am hiding it I am not living my truth.  Now that is just for me.  I know other people are not as open to share as I am and that is perfect for who they are.

THE SUMMER OF "NOT SO HAPPY HOURS" AND HURRICANE KATRINA

I entered into the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous in the summer of 2005.   I first heard of this 12 step program through someone I met at my first job after moving back to TN.  I do believe the meeting of this person was orchestrated by my higher power.  This person literally stepped in front of me as I was walking in to my first day of on the job training.  He introduced himself and for the next week or so would not leave me alone until I would be his friend.  I finally gave in and when we started talking I soon realized we were the same kind of, "out there." 

In our time together he noticed certain behaviors I was exhibiting and different substances I was taking.  One day he and his girlfriend very gently told me about a program called Narcotics Anonymous, a 12 step based recovery program.  They didn't preach or try to get me to go. They just shared the message.  They planted a seed.  When they shared with me about this program I could not imagine going because I was in no way a druggie.  Nope. Not me.  So time went by and with it lots of money and lots of failed attempts at stopping what I was using.  Along with the inability to control my drug use my actions and behaviors were constantly causing trouble to myself and people around me.  I was getting into one painful, dangerous, and ridiculous situation after another and surrounding myself with nothing but people and environments that would enable my actions.

I realized one day that I really did have a problem.  I did not realize that problem was truly, "me."

When the pain of my life  finally got to great to bear and I had nobody around me that understood what was going on with me I got on my computer and looked up Narcotic Anonymous meetings in Nashville.  I picked one that was sort of close to where I lived and in the daytime.  Not knowing what I was walking into or what on earth this was about I still found the courage to go. I made my way to a noon meeting in a basement of a church.  I sat down and did something I hadn't done in a while, I just listened.

 I honestly don't remember much about those first meetings.  The only things that stand out that I remember are:  I would go, I would leave,  I would go the bar and other things,  I would have regrets, and I would show back up to another meeting.  This went on for a couple of months.  The best thing I did the second half of the summer of 05' was continue to show up to meetings no matter if I had used or not.  If I used I just sat in the meeting, kept quiet, and listened.  Eventually after going to enough meetings and listening to many people share similar feelings as I had as well as  similar past experiences that I had gone through a little something called hope was creeping in to my body.  

After a whole summer of mixing NA with using and reaching a bottom with drugs and relationships that had stripped every ounce of self-esteem and self-worth from me I gave in completely to the program.  On September 1st, 2005 using the strength and hope of the group I picked up a white key tag symbolizing I would try this way of life. "Just For Today."

It was the greatest act of self-love I could do for myself.

The first year I worked the program my life began to change.  I started to gain small shreds of self-esteem and self-respect.  I was also gaining an greater awareness of all the havoc I had wreaked in my life and the lives of others for so long.  I was slowly being taught a new way to live.  I was being taught how to take responsibility for my actions.  I was learning about my assetts as well as my defects.  I was learning how to value myself and others. I was learning how to be honest with myself and others.  I was learning about having an open mind and the willingness needed to make a change.  I was learning how to grow up. 

I cannot speak for other 12 step programs as Narcotics Anonymous is the only one I have experience with.  There is much more to addiction recovery than just putting down the drug of choice.  NA  is a program that teaches about the disease of addiction and the patterns that are associated with it including but not limited to chronic self-centeredness, obsessive and compulsive behaviors, isolation, and a lack of self-acceptance . There is also dealing with how addiction shifts into other areas.  Once I put down my drug of choice I noticed that I would start acting out in other ways-nicotine, food, caffeine, men, etc.   Narcotics does teach about addiction but it is more focused about the nature of recovery.

Narcotics anonymous brings together people from all walks of life.  People who in everyday life may never have crossed paths or would have even thought about associating  with another because of their different  economic status's, career choices, or neighborhoods.  The disease of addiction does not give two shits if you have a white collar or blue collar job, you live in an affluent neighborhood or the projects, or make six figures a year.  It wants to isolate you, bring you down, and eventually kill you.  Being around other people who understand what this "disease" does is important part of recovery.

DID YOU JUST READ ALL OF THAT?

Yeah.  I did.  I did because I needed too.  Why?  My happy ass got away from the reality of my disease and the community that knew and understood the best what it does and how it can take one down.   

As I got more time clean I started exploring different self-help paths  I also re-discovered a practice from my past called, Kundalini Yoga.  I am not going to go into details of what happened over the  years that I was not active in the program.  At least not in this blog post.  I will say everything was for a reason and it was to assist me in getting to roots of my core issues.

Between years two and three of being in the NA I started to slowly drift away from the program.  I was getting more involved with Kundalini Yoga and in the metaphysical community.  Instead of surrounding myself with people whom I shared this thing called, addiction, with I started surrounding myself with other people who didn't drink or take substances.  They may not have used specific substances, but they also didn't really understand the nature of addiction.  

After spending some time in this other community I started to hear things said to me like, "I don't see you as an addict.  If you keep yourself in that state of repeating, I am an addict, you are always going to stay in that energy.  You have evolved out of that state of being an addict.  Why do you want to be around those people?"  There is more that I kept feeding into but I have already shared the main ones.

What I want to say to these people,whom I know according to their beliefs meant well,  is please please PLEASE research what is all involved with the disease of addiction and the nature of recovery.  I know  personally the word dis-ease had turned me off a number of times which in turn lead me to much denial that I actually had a "disease of addiction." The truth is it does cause a dis-ease of the mind, body, soul, and spirit.  I want to say to these people that before you start judging and making assumptions look into what all in involved in the program.  The workbooks, the community, the sharing, the overall support, the education.  Putting the drugs down is only the beginning.

Part of me wanted to believe what my friends were saying and another part of me knew the importance of the program.  I was living in conflict about being in the program for a long time.  Another part of me is starting to believe it was just what that disease needed to isolate me.  I didn't want to have to call myself an addict or keep repeating it all the time.  I do believe when you keep repeating something you create your reality based on those words...especially if they follow the words, I AM.   I will come to the truth about this the more I work through the program.  As for saying, "I am an addict" everyday I have come to the acceptance of saying, "I am a recovering addict" because that is what I am right now.  I am recovering and that is the truth.  That works for me.

 I  do know I wasn't facing the reality of what truly worked for me in the past.  I was fighting it.  I wouldn't surrender.  I wanted to believe I had healed myself of addiction.  I wanted to believe I could handle life without having to check in and share with a group all the time.  The more I wanted to believe in what others around me were saying the more it created a distance within me from the very program that saved me.   

I don't want to write to much more about this at this time.  There is much I will work out and discover while "working the steps."  I don't know what I finally did that caused the walls of denial to crumble and for me to gain the courage to go back to the rooms and start reconnecting.   Well. Yes. I do.  That is another blog. 

I am thankful that I did not have a relapse on my drug of choice in the time I was gone.  I guess I was to busy tending to other areas that needed healing.  I had created and was teaching a life recovery program called, Recovery Rising.  It is not a 12 step based program, but, it is based on the other areas of recovery I have had years of experience working on.  Having had that program in my life greatly contributed to keeping me clean and it was beautiful service work....it still is.  

The one thing I can say for certain is even though I have clean time I don't have the "12 step recovery."  There definitely is a difference in just being clean and living the 12 step recovery.  I still have my clean time and on October 1st I will have seven years clean.  If you paid attention you will notice its now October and not September....but that is another story:)

I am excited to be reconnected to the program and not just in the shadows.  It has been strange to have to share with others what has been going on and admit I haven't been a part of.   It's hard  being back, but listening to all the experience, strength and hope once again has been giving me encouragement.  It is inspiring to see what working a program does for people-how it changes them for the best.

Something is so different this time for me and I am not questioning it.   I am just embracing it.  I truly believe that I had to tend to the other areas of recovery in my life in order to continue with this program.  I feel like I am home again and this is exactly where I am supposed to be.  I feel the conflict disappearing and sanity coming back. 

My name is Kristianna and I am a recovering addict.

Just For Today:  I surrender.

Making Rest A Priority And Sending Guilt Back To Bed! Why Is It So Difficult To Rest?

"What Guilt Looks Like"

I feel like shit.  I wasn't going to bother writing a blog because really, what is the point?  I could wait until next week or whenever.  It is not like it is a paying job or I have some huge audience drooling in anticipation for when I am going to share about my issues or observations of craziness or whatever.

I feel like shit physically. It takes everything for me right now move.  What is affecting me physically is also affecting me mentally.  There was just something in that walked over to the computer, sat me down and said, "Just type.  Keep attending to this blog.  You enjoy doing this.  You know it is therapeutic for you."  In which I responded in my best cranky inner head voice, "Whatever!"

 I am fighting myself right now. I am fighting with myself to rest.  My body is going through alot right now with cleansing, healing, and re balancing itself.  It has been adapting to a whole new way of existing without many foods and stimulants it has been used too.  It has been working with the help of herbal supplements to tend to the Candida I was diagnosed with, and it is also dealing with another issue I don't feel like sharing about.   It is at a time when it is doing its thing and its thing is requiring alot of energy.  While it is doing its thing it making me feel tired and lethargic and cranky.

I don't want to freaking rest.  I feel guilty.  Why do I have to feel guilty about laying my not- so- happy ass down for some time and resting!?  I mean rest is the loving, caring, move to make for myself.  That is tending to my needs.  Yes.  I am going to rest.  I just wish I could do it with a peace in my mind.

I know I am not the only one who fights them self to just sit the hell down and rest when exhausted.  I have heard it come out the mouths of people around me and seen numerous Facebook status updates sharing it.

So freaking what if I am laying down in the middle of the day?  So what if certain things don't get to tended to according to when I planned them too.   I know I don't have children so I don't have that piece to add to my guilt.  That would be a big one.  I would have to get advice from other Mamas and ask for help.

It is guilt.  That is the emotion.  Guilt.  Because of course I always have to know what the dominant emotion is creating this unrest.  Guilt.

That is fucked up that as a human I have to feel guilty about taking care of my own needs. Yes.  I said, "Fucked Up."

I am not going to go into my own private locker that is in my head that holds all the reasons why I feel guilty.  I know what they are and I am fully aware of them.  I have dragged them out of that locker, sat them down,  shined a mag light on them, pointed my finger and said, "Thank you for your driving force and your concern about everything and everybody else but seriously.... ENOUGH!!!  I do not need your services today.  Go back to your locker, pull a blanket over you, and go to sleep.  Shut down.  You are not needed in any way today."

Today I am giving myself permission to rest.  I am giving myself permission all weekend to rest.  I don't need a doctors excuse to tell me the prescription for what is ailing me is rest.  I can save the money.  My body is healing itself and it can't do it while my energy is being used in other places.

If anyone else has a problem with it then I don't know what to say.  Nobody really does that is just the crazies in my head doing their 90's slam dance of self-centered thinking on me.  If anyone did think anything of it then that is shit they have to look at in themselves.

I am taking care of me.  If I don't how they heck can I be good to care of anything or anyone else?

This countries work ethic and lack of teaching people about self-love and self-values has really fucked up peoples heads and priorities.  It is no wonder there is an overwhelming sense of guilt that comes to people when they think of just taking time to rest.  "Rest?  No.  That makes me weak. There is something wrong!  I am not being of value to everyone then?  Rest?  If I rest then I may have scary things happen to me like, feeling better, feeling peace, rejuvenated, or even forbid something I have not wanted to face or think about may creep up. Can't have that happen!  Rest?  Can't do it.  I would feel guilty.  That is for weak people.  I can't ask anyone to help.  Again, that is weakness.  I can pull my weight.  I can do it all.  The devil will make its way into my world  if I am idle....Ha!  That's a good one.  Gotta love the Puritan values that still resonate in our DNA.

Today the best thing I can do for my recovery and my health is rest.  Spend some time in the sun.  Do not do any physical activities.  Not even dancing.  No I am not dancing through this today.  I don't want to hear it.  I will sit down and meditate.  I will journal. I will go to a meeting.  If guilt gets up from its nap I will send it back to bed.  My self-love act for today is declaring this and making this weekend a weekend of rest!

That is all.  Thanks for listening.

"What Self-Love Looks Like"