"He who learns must suffer,
Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget, falls drop by
drop upon the heart and in our own despair, against our will,
comes wisdom through the awful grace of God. -Aeschylus, Agamemnon
"One heals suffering only by experiencing it to the full." -Marcel Proust
I am sitting at my desk on a snowy Monday morning here in Nashville, Tn. Yes. It is snowing here, finally! It is peaceful outside as the last few flakes of this long awaited snow storm falls. Some unfortunate humans have spent the morning chipping ice off their over sized metal tanks they call automobiles so they can make their daily commute into the daily grind. While others spent moments in conflict as to whether or not to use this fine day as an excuse to stay home. And some did. I was called off of work. The birds are chirping away outside and the squirrels are catching air from tree to tree. The animal kingdom unfazed by the fresh blanket of white snow that has brought a hush to the neighborhood. The squirrels play on. The birds peck for bugs and worms in the frozen ground. Nature in perfect harmony.
Meanwhile inside the pink room on Barksdale Harbor Dr……….
I am sitting in my office and thinking about the events of this past weekend and how once again I was reminded of how much: DEPRESSION SUCKS! I have not felt in harmony with nature or like running and skipping or chasing anyone from tree to tree. No. Not me. Not for the past few days.
Depression.
I have had to deal with this on and off for most of my life. I have been on anti-depressants and off of them. I have explored every conceivable unhealed core issue there is in me. I have researched the effects of my gut health in connection to my brain as a cause. I have learned about how depression is a separation from universal love and a call from my soul. I know certain substances I took in college really messed up my brain chemistry. I know depression is a call to go inwards and see what needs to be tended to in life that is out of alignment. I know its possibly frozen anger or unattended to grief. I know it could be one or all of the above at once.
It doesn't make it any easier knowing any of the above are possibilities. Sometimes it just plain sucks.
This weekend was bad. Real bad. It felt surreal. I wish there was a word for what the state of being which is feeling 90% numb and disconnected from the world around me and 10% feeling a pit of sadness in the stomach from which I cannot fight because it will win.
I realize there are fortunate souls out there who have never experienced depression. I am not talking about having an off day because someone or something has made me upset. I am talking about
D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N. Only those who have experienced real depression know the pain of what I speak.
This weekend was a reminder to myself about what to do when depression creeps up and takes a hold. I actually did go back and read my own blog posts from a couple years ago and I must say they were great reminders. Dealing With Depression: Part One and Dealing With Depression: Part Two The part I needed to be reminded about the most was to:
LET MYSELF BE DEPRESSED.
I was not doing that for the first half of Saturday. I was fighting it. Also, I was not only dealing with being depressed but I also was dealing with the inner conflict of feeling bad because I was depressed. The shame of it. Talk about a war within.
I spent a good part of Saturday morning at the library. What a shocker to find myself in the health and healing section reading books on "healing emotions". I really didn't mean too. Honestly. I actually went in to pick up a copy of Wuthering Heights. I found it and before I knew it I ended up in the self-help section.
Yes. The self-help section. I put myself on a self-imposed ban from that section but something led me over there. I ended up glossing over all the book titles that just seemed to scream at me, "Pick me. Pick me. I have the answer. I'll solve your problem. I'll take your pain away." I was not in the mood for the latest "flash in the pan self-help guru" book. No. There was a reason I was drawn over there and I soon discovered it. After ample browsing I ended up settling on two books from authors I have never heard of, but, whom laid out the exact down to earth information I needed to hear at that moment of my depression. So I took them home.
The three things I was reminded of regarding why my depression cycle happened:
1. I still have unresolved grief
2. Triggers set off by unresolved trauma from childhood
3. Eating food I shouldn't causing depression via a serotonin/flora imbalance in my gut
My friend who is going through a cycle of depression herself texted me and shared something really helpful. It also was in alignment with a chapter of a book I am reading. This chapter talks about triggers and how to build a bridge between unresolved inner child wounds from the past and the present reality of the adult in the present.
This is what my friend shared:
"In depression I am overly sensitive. I just keep getting my feelings hurt. I'll need to decide what is real and what is not when I am feeling better."
I totally got that. For me, when I get triggered it is hard for me to know what is real and in the present moment and what is the perception of my wounded inner child taking me back to a pocket of time that holds unresolved pain. The subconscious does not know linear time. So if something triggers me and I have not healed that part of me I will be taken right back to the original pain and that age. I will regress emotionally. If I am to far into a depression it is hard for me to distinguish between what is the past (my wounded inner child perception) and what is reality (the adult perception of now).
As the depression lessens I can better distinguish: "Am I feeling and seeing through the eyes of my wounded inner child (the past) or the eyes of an adult (the present)?"
I do know the best tool for me to use the other day was to: Let myself be depressed. Once I consciously surrendered to the depression I then allowed myself to share with my husband that I was f'in depressed. After that I went upstairs and laid down with my cat and just allowed myself to stare at the wall and be depressed. Believe it or not in the surrender I was then able to feel a sense of peace. Not shame for being depressed..but peace. I didn't try to apply any other tools. I just surrendered for that day.
The next day I felt the same but was more of a willingness to do something. I put some essential oils that are recommended for depression in my diffuser and applied them on my body. I allowed myself to connect to my breath, turned on the music, and allowed my body to move. I didn't force it. I allowed it to express what it needed through dance and it didn't fail me. It certainly moved out some deep, stuck energy out through my dance. I then went and attended a 12 step meeting, and after that went to a Kundalini Yoga class.
I never forced anything. After I surrendered to allowing myself to be depressed something inside of me knew it was going to be alright….eventually.
There are so many possible reasons people experience depression. No two people experience depression the same and no two people are going to deal with it exactly the same. Someone may read this and think I am full of shit. Which is fine. This is my experience. You will have a different one. I can share tools that have worked for me and perhaps they may help others. I don't know. That is not for me to say. What I do want say is this: If anyone is suffering from depression right now just SURRENDER to it. Please don't add anymore shame or inner conflict to your life. Let it be. You have to feel it if you want to heal it. No matter how much you try to fight the reality of it you won't win. Cultivate acceptance. One breath at a time. One day at a time.
I will end this blog with an excerpt from one of the two books that spoke to me this weekend:
Surrendering: TO LET IT GO, YOU HAVE TO LET IT FLOW
Surrendering is an extension of befriending emotional energy. It is about allowing emotional energy to flow to its end point. Surrender is not about becoming passive and saying, "What the hell-I don't give a damn what happens anymore, so I'll just drink this quart of scotch and slobber in my sorrow." It doesn't mean letting go of your senses or your awareness. It means being fully present to emotional energy and letting it pass through your body until it is gone. A basic axiom of surrender is: To let it go you have to let it flow. You can't let go of a dark emotion until you have fully experienced its truth.
-Healing Through The Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of grief, fear, and despair by Miriam Greenspan
Depression is a call from the soul to learn a deeper truth about self. First we have to befriend it and listen. Even if there is only numbness there still is a message. It's up to you to find your personal way of receiving it.
I am going to go back to watching the squirrels now and enjoy the quiet snow. There is such peace in the constant of nature.
Be kind to yourself.
Truly.
It will pass. Nothing in nature stays the same.
