Creative Recovery, Perfectionism, and Asking You To Witness My Soul Painting

Creativity Rising.....

In the last blog post I wrote, A Love Letter From My Soul,  I shared about how my soul held nothing back and basically told me to "cut the bullshit." It shared about how it wanted to experience life via this physical body.  My soul is a creative soul.  An artist.  It knows how it wants to express, but it is always locked down by me.  Once in a while I open a window and let it out, but then I shut it again.  Tight.  I feel my soul's sadness.  I have felt it for way too long.  Can a soul actually be sad?  I am not sure.  I do know when I don't listen to it I am sad.  This is why I am starting down this new path of my recovery journey.  My creative recovery.

I made the decision last week to sign up for a 5 week workshop at the local co-op art studio, Art and Soul. The series is called, The Heroes Journey.  Using movement, writing, visualizations, and theatrical play we will tap into the wellspring of our own creativity and consider life in archetypal terms based on the teachings of Joseph Campbell.  We are going to explore our own personal hero journey and learn to recognize mentors, threshold guardians, heralds, shape shifters, and tricksters in our life all while reflecting on the stages of refusing the call to adventure.  Awesome.  Sounds like a good combo of thought provoking teachings and creative activities.  Just what the "soul doctor" ordered.

I'm also connected to two great online resources for creative recovery.  I am choosing to immerse myself in the creative energy.  I think the combination of the in -person class and the online resources will be a great balance for me.  I do not do well just taking "online" courses.  I am an earth sign and need the grounding.  I need the in person support and accountability.

I would like to share one painting with you and ask you to be a witness.  It is the painting that "my soul" mentioned in my last blog.  It is very special to me because of the actual process I went through within myself while creating it.

One of my shadow parts is the "perfectionist."  This also relates to my first chakra and having to prove my self-worth.  It was while I was in trauma treatment that I learned the different sides to perfectionism.  The awareness I have gained about it has allowed me to accept this part of me and understand I have nothing to prove.  I was not the perfectionist in the way that everything around me had to be in its place and everything I put my mind to got done and was perfect.  No.  I used to be the perfectionist that was afraid to start anything new for fear of not doing it perfect right away.  I used to be the perfectionist that when I learned something new I would expect myself to get it right away. If I didn't I would put myself down and end up quitting.  I used to be the perfectionist that would go from 0-60 right away and push and push to make something happen exactly how I wanted it and would literally make myself sick doing it.  Just to prove my worth.  It would never be enough.

Then I entered treatment and everything changed.  I allowed myself to feel that nothing out "there" is going to give me worth.  My worth was established from just being born.  It is all within.

The following creative recovery assignment I know is not anything new.  In fact, I remember someone telling me about a course they took to move through their creative blocks and  fear of messing up that was similar to this.  This piece was created last August.  I documented the process for my own personal reflection.  I felt enough time had passed to share it.

Thank you for witnessing.


The Process:

This creative assignment was simply for me to go on a spirit walk in nature.  I was to say a prayer before going and ask for the items that wanted be included in my painting to present themselves.  The intention for the painting was to keep messing up.  When I was getting comfortable with how it was turning out I was to mess it up and create a new layer.  When I got comfortable again I was to take it outside and throw it on the ground and rub in the grass and create textures in it.  I was to keep layering the painting with texture and let go of any attachment or need for it to be perfect.

It was one of the most freeing, fun, soul connected to heaven summer afternoons I had spent in a long time.  I felt alive and whole inside and part of everything.  I am not kidding.  My soul was free and experiencing.  I would like to share that experience via the photos below.  There are paint brushes present in the first photo. The only time I used is a brush was to write words.  Everything else was me exploring through my hands and a washcloth.

My Supplies

Blank canvas and the flinging begins...

Finger Painting

"Fun with my hands and a washcloth"

"My soul starts to speak"

"No Attachments"

"Transforming"

"Layers"

"Completion....or is it?"

It was a fun experience.  I look forward to having many more as I allow my soul and inner child out to play.

I would like to share the full version of what I created for myself and look at everyday to remind myself:

Release Perfectionism

"There is nothing to prove.  Just relax and enjoy the simple moments of life.  Your worth was established just from being born.  There is nothing out there that will ever give you worth.  It is all within.  It is between you and the divine.  No more 0-60 to gain approval that will never seem enough.  Approve of yourself.  You are enough.  You Matter!!"

Let Go and Relax


Blessings,

Kristianna

Check out these two websites for creative sparkle:

http://leoniedawson.com   Leonie is a creative Goddess and pure magic!  Check out her Goddess Circle..

http://jamieridlerstudios.ca  Create sparkle in your life with Jamie!

A Love Letter From My Soul: Cut The Bullshit and Listen To My Call..

Intuitive Play time at Art and Soul last year.  My first piece..."My soul"

I just got schooled by my soul and it went something like this:

"Enough!  Cut the bullshit!  You know exactly what I am talking about. You can not  keep avoiding me.  I am your truth.  I am the way.  I am your key to the kingdom of heaven here on earth.  I have the answers to what will make you feel whole.  You have opened windows to me several times through out the past year.  Do you remember?  Do you remember the completeness you felt when you allowed yourself to express me through painting?  Do you remember that last painting you did?  I am  that painting.   Do you remember the first Oneness Blessing weekend you attended?  The aliveness and spiritual connection you felt when you allowed yourself to dance until you collapsed into a sweaty pile of tears and gratitude in front of the alter of all faiths.  How about the exquisite heart opening moments that happened when you allowed me to come through your singing?  Nothing else opens the lock of our heart and the door to heaven for us like singing.  Do you not remember the tears of joy that streamed down your face when you were able to play a full song on your guitar?  Why do you continue to deny the parts of you that make you whole and complete?

 The way you have been avoiding my call is by crawling into your head and escaping into yet another spiritual group, meditation technique, or new thought teaching class.  There is nothing wrong with any of those.  They serve you well.  They have been a beautiful part of your healing journey, but, there has to be a balance!  I just can't take listening and thinking about another new concept or way to ascend. You know what you need to do.  Take action.  I need to experience. That is why I am in your body!  The Picean age was about knowledge, thinking, knowing, coming from the head.  The Aquarian age is about experiencing and expressing from the heart and taking responsibility for yourself.  You know what you need to do.  You just don't do it.

Oh, and you need to keep dancing.  Do you remember what you"experienced" a couple weeks ago when I decided enough was enough?  I walked you right out of that spiritual meet up group and back home to dance.  I wanted to dance!!!!   That was the meditation I wanted to experience.  That was the prayer.  That was the connection to the divine that night.   I want to fully experience why I am here on this earth plane.  I need to create.  I need to express my self.  That is all you need to know.  This is what is next on your  path of "recovery."  Acknowledge your artistic soul.  Embrace me.  I have your answers.  Just go within and feel me.  That is right.  Don't think...feel.

I know this past year hasn't been easy.  You have been recovering from some life shattering experiences.  I know the reasons why you have been disconnected from this truth of yours for many   years.  It is okay.  All of the meditation, yoga, support groups, and new thought classes have assisted you to get to this place.  This is part of your rebirth.  This is part of your process of "returning to your original self."  Be gentle and kind to yourself.  If you don't listen to me though, I will take over and trust me it can be at any time:)!"


Infinite love,

Your Soul

Somewhere within me she resides.  I feel her...

This awareness has been permeating my being ever since that night I literally got up from the first part of that meet up group. In the first part of the meet up we tone on each chakra before we go into practicing breath of fire on each chakra.  I literally had to get up and leave after the toning because I felt frustrated and ill.  My friend is the facilitator so I knew she would understand.  I was really surprised by how frustrated I was.  I arrived home and immediately found myself up in my sanctuary that I affectionately call the "Pink Room."  The lights remained off and many candles were quickly lit.  I went to my computer and found my way to one of my favorite blogs.  It is one of my favorites because the author of the blog is living proof  that trauma can be healed and a return to ones artistic soul can happen.  She reclaimed a part of herself, that little girl, that was lost due to years of trauma, anxiety and depression. I often go to her blog because she reflects back to me what I feel lies deep within myself.

She reminds me of that little girl that is buried deep within.  The girl who used to wear tutu's, platform shoes, loved to act, danced in her front yard, danced in her back yard, went by a stage name through high school, expressed herself through clothes, and dreamed bigger dreams than the state of Pennsylvania could hold. I believe she reflects back the frozen parts of many people who are still in the process of "re-animating" themselves after experiencing the affects of trauma for many years.  She reflects hope.  In her 40's this woman reconnected to her love of dance, wearing tutu's, and overall sense of play.  She ended up opening her own women's only movement studio called, Girl on Fire Movement Studio. She teaches Kundalini Yoga, various types of dance classes, encourages women to reconnect to their " lost girl", accept and love their bodies, and just remember how to play.  If I lived there still I would be there as much as I could.  She re-animated herself.


I went to her website that night because she often posts videos of musical pieces and encourages her readers to, "Move to This."   I believe I scrolled through her whole blog playing every video she suggested.  My body could not get enough. It soaked up the dance like dehydrated skin soaks up lotion.    I was fully in my body, accepting and loving every part of it.

My soul was reminding me about how it is here to experience and the need for balance.  Yoga, meditation, classes, and groups are great, but a balance needs to take place.  I need to also feed my souls yearning to express its creative side.  I have been hiding and avoiding it.  I open the window to my soul for brief moments and a rainbow of color bursts out.  I am not used to the beauty and intensity so I quickly shut the window again.  When you live with emotional trauma the world tends to be in black and white.  As you heal colors start to appear again.  It may seem strange, but trauma survivors know what I am talking about.  The path of healing from trauma is like being in the movie Pleasantville.  The more healing that happens the more colorful and vibrant life becomes.  This is my new path of recovery.  What do I need to do to keep the windows of my soul open, and let it flourish. Let in flourish  in all its beautiful rainbow colors!

I encourage students in my Recovery Rising classes to connect to their "inner child" through pastels, drawing, and paint.  It really does take one back to the basics.  Back to an innocence and freedom that gets buried with each passing year of life circumstances.  I also encourage them to connect to their bodies through dance as a way to develop body awareness, self acceptance, and to feel a sense of being alive.  I also teach this because it teaches me.  I teach this so I can continue to recover. Yogi Bhajan said, " If you want to master something- teach it."  Yes.  That is exactly what I am doing.

Balance.  Awareness.  Surrender.  Acceptance.


My soul has spoken loud and clear?  Have you listened to yours lately?  Watch out!


Excuse me now..it is time for me to dance!


If you would like to check out the blog I talked about go to www.girlonfiredance.com. The "Girl on Fire" is Christine Claire Reed.  It is inspiring.

I Embraced My Dark Side And Changed My World

"Why do we find ourselves disproportionately angry with selfishness of a friend, the laziness of a co-worker, the arrogance of a family member-or even the rudeness of a stranger?  Why do the same old things get to us so easily, and so intensely?  Our "same old things, " are clues to our dark sides-and to the emotions and traits we fear most in ourselves."

-Debbie Ford,  The Dark Side of The Light Chasers

It has been a while since I have sat down and shared via this blog.  The past two months have been a non stop whirlwind adventure of assisting in opening up a brand new business (not mine), building my energy healing skills, promoting Recovery Rising, teaching yoga, and getting ready for the holidays.  Wwew.  December was a whirl.  December was also magical.  Magical in many ways....

There is one magical thing in particular that  happened in December that I would like to share about. It was a beautiful, painful, frustrating, healing, and liberating lesson I went through that lasted over the time span of the past two months.   A lesson I am grateful now to have been taught because for years It has been a teaching that I have carried with me only in an intellectual way.

Over the past couple of months I have had in my environment a very interesting person.  This person in many ways intrigued me  by the vast amount of knowledge they possessed about food, the government, so called "conspiracy theories", and a whole host of other topics that make me wonder how one person can contain so much information.  I was always entertained and eager to learn more from this person I will refer to as, "Lee."

I can say that in the many lifetimes I have lived within this lifetime and the people I have encountered in those lifetimes (and I have encountered some characters) I have never met anyone like, Lee.  I can truly say Lee has been one of my greatest teachers so far and I will share why.

Lee is quite talented and very efficient at what he does in a chaotic way.  Lee wants things done in a certain way and gets frustrated because they aren't at a level she is used too.  Lee tends to take her frustrations out by creating an environment of negativity around her. I will not go into detail of the different ways her negativity is expressed.  I choose not to relive the experience.  Let me just say the negativity ripples through the air and into the people that are standing close to him and has a negative effect on the mind and body.

I am a firm believer that what is in the environment around me is a reflection of what is going on within me.  I knew that I attracted Lee into my life based on something I needed to see, but for so long all I could see and feel was my annoyance and frustration towards him and the environment it was creating.

I was quite stunned that a person could act in the manner that she was acting.  I did not want to keep focusing on this persons shortcomings.  I knew that was not right.  I tried to find out my part in why he was acting like this or just understand the bigger picture that did not have to do with me.  When I found out things that I could do on my part to possibly improve the situation I did my best.  It didn't help.  I was quickly reminded I can't change anyone.  I can only change me.  What was it I not understanding?   Why did I manifest this situation?

Weeks of confusion and frustration went by. Then It Clicked.  The shift happened.......

I don't if it was the new Primordial Sound Meditation practice I had started or the many drops of Balance Dottera Essential Oil I applied to my skin that morning, but I had my awakening and shift in one beautiful moment a few weeks ago.  I was deep into my morning activity standing across from Lee.  My breathing was slow and deep so I could stay centered and make it through the time I had to spend around him.  I was still going about my business when suddenly I had the magic wand "bop me across the head moment" and finally, I GOT IT.

This person was reflecting back to me, my own NEGATIVITY!

Yes.  It was one of the aspects of my dark side I just was not owning.  I was not accepting.
 This disowned part of me was running everything in my life because I was not owning it.

In that moment my heart center opened and I automatically started sending love Lee's way.  I sent it because in that moment I was seeing through the eyes of my heart and what I saw was an embodiment of all the negativity that was within me.  I was sending love and accepting....me.

I also remembered that just a month prior I had done a 40 day meditation for the, Positive Mind.  This meditation included a mantra to balance out the negative mind.  Duh, it made so much sense now.  Months ago I had realized my negative mind had seemed to really taken the drivers seat in my life and I needed to do something about it.  After the 40 days of the meditation was over I got caught up in other life activities and I literally forgot I had practiced that meditation.  I had set the energies in motion to assist me in balancing the negativity within me.  I just forgot about it.  Ooops.

After that moment everything OUTSIDE of me changed.  I am not kidding.  It did. This persons actions no longer had any power over me.  The charge was gone.  In fact, in the days after that moment I noticed the whole environment started to change and Lee seemed different too.  When there was an expression of negativity it did not phase me.  I stayed centered and moved right on.  I would just send love.

I have been trying to get this lesson for years.  I first learned about finding the clues to my disowned dark side through people who would get under my skin from the book,  The Dark Side of The Light Chasers by Debbie Ford.  I have continued to learn about my shadow self through Kundalini Yoga teachings, Oneness Teachings, and various other people who clearly got this similar lesson and were kind enough to share their experience too.  I have always had an intellectual understanding of it, but, never have I had a profound experience with it such as this.

We truly can shift our own world around us by shifting what is within us.

The so called "dark sides" of us are part of the divine creation.  We cannot know light without dark.  That is the beauty of the human experience.  We are to embrace both.  How else can we learn how to love?


"We are here to learn from all these parts of ourselves and make peace with them.  To be truly authentic persons, we have to allow the aspects of ourselves that we love and accept coexist with all the aspects of ourselves we make wrong.  When we can lovingly hold all these traits together in one hand, without judgement, they will naturally integrate into our system.  Then we can take off our masks and trust the universe created each of us with a divine design.  The we can stand tall, embracing the world WITHIN."


-Debbie Ford,  The Dark Side of The Light Chasers


I thank Lee for playing the role of my teacher.

Now it is time to move on.

This time I am putting  a request in to the universe for a more gentle experience.......please!

I


http://www.spiritvoyage.com/blog/?p=18190

Here is a blog from Spirit Voyage talking about Overcoming the Negative Mind.  At the end of the blog is a video with the meditation I practiced for 40 Days.  You will have to forward through the video to the part when the meditation comes up. There is also a kriya for the Positive Mind included.  Anne Novak shares about the meditation in the video.  The experience I just wrote about happened after I practiced this meditation.  Coincidence?  I don't know..........