14 Truths I Have Admitted To Myself That Have Me Asking, "Now Who The Frack Am I!?

             

"Self- Image is the image your ego believes.  It takes its cues from  outside influences and is fueled by the fear of what others may think.  We hold our self- image based on feedback we have received from others." -Deepak Chopra and Oprah's 21 Day Miraculous Relationships Meditation.

The crazy in my head today insisted it dump out all the mumble jumble regarding the identity crisis I am going through.

The following question has been running through my mind lately, "Has anyone else past the age of 30 ever experienced a time in their life when they did not know really know who the frack they were?"  The crazy thoughts in my head like to make me believe I am the only one who has ever gone through an identity crisis.  The crazies like to make me believe I am always a special case.  I am the center of the world ya know.  They like to convince me that everyone else around me has it together and I am the only one who is lost.

I wrote in my last blog about how I stepped back from writing because something just wasn't feeling right about it anymore.  Turns out that was just a small piece of a larger issue that was slowly creeping up to the surface of my reality.  The fact is for a long time now many things have not felt right about my life.  I have felt frustrated, it has been super hard for me to breath, my health has been poor,  I have gotten annoyed at myself, annoyed at others, and annoyed at life in general.  I allowed myself to be taken over my negative mind and for the longest time I have not  been the nicest human being.

Living in a state of being like the one I just described is not an enjoyable place to be.  It is certainly not living a life of recovery or just plain living the life I deserve...happy, joyous and free.  See, I am not one to sit by and let things continue without playing the "observer" of my life so I started to pay attention.

As  I  went through my day I would start noticing what was sparking me to feel crazy annoyed. I would start to feel my body tense up with frustration when people would say certain comments to me.  I would feel my eyes roll into the back of my head when I would see certain images or read certain posts on Facebook. I would cringe when I would think about attending certain activities in the community that I once thought were events I should like.   As I paid more attention to why I was feeling so annoyed and uncomfortable and always wanting to scream  I realized what was going on. I knew I was fighting myself from admitting.......

I WAS NOT BEING AUTHENTIC!!!!

I was  actually holding onto an image of myself I had created based on the roles I took on a few years ago as a yoga instructor and yoga studio owner. That image was created by me and would eventually be fueled and sustained by what people started to see me as based on their feedback.  I really don't know how it happened.  It just....happened.  I mean don't get me wrong.  I loved being of service and assisting in bringing forth that studio.  I loved teaching yoga every week that first couple of years and currently I still do love teaching my Recovery Rising series.  I just got carried away trying to live up to a self-created image of myself not based on actual reality.  I was also trying to keep up living a lifestyle I thought I should be living  because I was in the compassionate loving world of yoga.

In my head I somehow thought that I was going to be some healthy lifestyle expert and a yoga instructor that could provide all the perfect answers to students questions of life.  I wanted to be that woman on the cover of the health magazine who was all glowing and dewy because she sustained herself on eating grass, nuts, berries, and kombucha tea.  I wanted to be raw and vegan and live an eco-friendly sustainable lifestyle and know how to make smoothies and juices and I wanted to know what all the cool superfoods were.


I thought I was suppose to love attending kirtans.  I was to love giving myself over to the ecstasy of the rhythm of my heart chakra as it opened and pulsated in unison with my crown chakra.  That unison would elevate me as I danced to the music all while being completely connected and at one with the universe.  I also tried to get into numerology, crystals, and oh good grief, it just went on and on.

I had really held onto this image of me in my head as this person.  I mean, didn't I learn from my new thought teachings that if I were to hold an image long enough I would manifest it and soon become it?  Yeah, right!  The honest to Gods truth is  -that image I held just did NOT work for me. My soul always knew the truth.  It always does.  My inner child does too.  She will always convey to me through feeling when I am out of alignment.  When I am not honoring those two aspects of my self ..... whoa nelly....it is breakdown time for me.

Even though it was becoming more clear what was causing me to walk around feeling annoyed at the world I still did not want to fully face the truth.  I allowed myself to stay in denial.  What the hell would I be if I couldn't play this role anymore?  I mean, why couldn't I be a shiny example of a raw food eating, yoga teaching, spiritual counseling, eco-conscious, festival going, astrology and numerology and crystal loving person.  Many of the people I hung around with were.

Truth is. I really don't know. I just know it is not me.  I finally had to sit my ass down and get truthful with myself about this or continue feeling how I was feeling....like shit.  The following list is what I came up with.  It wasn't easy to make myself face the following truths about myself.  I can say just after writing one down I immediately started to feel a sense of relief.  The more I wrote down the deeper I could breath.  I was really facing reality and not some perceived sense of reality.  It was deep man!

The fact of the matter is this is what my truth is right now ( always subject to change):

1. I am a "mindful" eater which means I mind to what my body needs.  Its needs are always changing.  I don't label myself as a vegan, vegetarian, raw, etc.  Currently my body needs meat.  Yes.  I eat meat!  I eat turkey and fish and occasionally red meat and I like it.  It nourishes me and sustains me.  I eat it only if it is organic, grass fed and has no hormones or antibiotics.  I cook it myself at home or I will eat at a place I know will have the above standards.  Most important is that I respectively pray and thank the animal for its medicine.  

2.  I don't drink juice anymore because it actually creates a not so positive condition in my body.  I didn't know that two years ago.  I just knew it I wanted to experience the positive benefits it had on others for myself.  I also felt so juicy cool spouting off all the time that I was enjoying my awesome juice made of eight different greens.  Seriously juicing is not for everyone.

3.  My life does not revolve around yoga.  I do not currently teach it.  I do practice restorative yoga and Kundalini yoga on occasion. You will probably not ever see photos of me in hatha yoga postures.  I originally went into teacher training for Kundalini Yoga to learn tools I could one day incorporate into a program I was creating in my mind for recovery and self-esteem .  I did not really intend to open a yoga studio and teach every week.   I did eventually create the recovery program I originally set out to and that is what my area of focus will be sometime in the future.  

4.  I do not follow a true yogic lifestyle.

5.  I barely know how to cook and I am still trying to figure out what foods work best for me.  I do not touch most raw foods anymore except an occasional salad,  soaked almonds, and fermented raw vegetables.  Again, raw unfermented vegetables do not do well in my system.  Just because something looks crazy, sexy, cool does not mean it is meant for everyone.

6.  Do not ask me about astrology or numerology.  I can refer you to an amazing people who do live and breath it.  They are awesome.

7.   I do enjoy an occasional kirtan gathering but I just don't live for them....I tried too.....I can do about one or two a year.  Then I am over it.  I do wonder how I would feel if I were the one singing? Hmmmm.....

8.  I want to contribute to making the earth a better place and be all sustainable and stuff but I probably don't do a very good job at it.  I recycle.  That's something.  I tried the whole compost thing a couple years ago. The compost container is sitting out in the backyard with weeds growing in it.  I tried.  Perhaps one day.  I do want to grow fresh garlic one day.  Fresh garlic is the bomb.

9.  Most of my cleaning products are natural but I am confessing that there is a bottle of Lysol and Goo Gone under my kitchen sink and Kroger brand hand wash in the upstairs bathroom.

10.  I will say this.....I make sure apporximatley 90% of the foods I eat are organic.  I am firm about that!

11.  I really don't like Kombucha Tea.  I tried too.  It just sucks.   I do drink coconut kefir though.  It is much better.   I'll admit that.

12.  I want to learn a martial art.  One day I will train.  I will kick ass and probably get my ass kicked.  At least I will feel alive.

13.  I prefer dancing to sitting down and meditating. I  still do practice meditation because it assists with calming the crazies in my head.

14.  I swear more than I probably should.  It is not classy I know.  I do my best to keep it out of sacred spaces: )


I know darn well it was my shaky self-worth that attached itself tight to the role of a yoga instructor and studio owner.  The start of the studio was prior to all the healing and trauma recovery I would eventually go through.  When I assisted in opening the studio my self-worth was still based primarily on what I did and accomplished and not who I was just being a human.   Prior to stepping into the yoga teacher role I really did not pay much attention to the above lifestyle I tried to live.  Having a new purpose and a title made me feel a sense of worth I hadn't felt before.  It was nice.  I felt grown up.   It just didn't last.  Truth will always rise to the surface no matter what.

 Now I ask myself, who am I ?  What do I want to be when I grow up?  I am starting my 12 step worksbook so I am sure way more will be revealed:)  It is still just really freaking strange.  No matter though.  It is worth it to be in the uncomfortable feeling of transition and uncertainty knowing I finally got honest with myself.  There is sweet freedom in facing reality. I really do feel like I have no identity.

I am enjoying writing again because I am allowing my true personality to come through this time and I am not holding back.  I am going to do my best to keep the following in mind as I go through this transition...

"I am so much more than an image I hold of myself based on the outside world.  Today I will do my best to accept who I am right now in this moment with kindness, compassion, and love."  I will probably forget to do that, but, its nice I am writing it down so I can look back at this and remind myself:)  Hey, I am just being honest!

Recovery Rising Blog Returns: The Crazy in my Head Wants To Say Hi To The World!

My head is literally overflowing with blog posts that won't leave until I get them out.  The good, the bad, the bat shit crazy, most of all the recovery.  I'm probably going to do the whole 30 day challenge thing but since I have some issues with commitment I am going to just....um.....show up at my computer everyday and see what happens.  Little mind tricks I have to play with myself.

I heard a great line from someone in recovery that I am getting to know and loving every minute of it.  I was sharing with her how right now in my life I am not sure about anything.  I am not really connected to anything,  things I once enjoyed don't hold the same interest for me, I feel like I am in an in -between,  no mans land zone and it is just plain weird.  She said, "It sounds like you are backing up and getting ready to punt."  I said, "What?"  She said once again, "It sounds like you are backing up and getting ready to punt.  You are simply stepping back, gearing up, evaluating, and getting ready for your next move forward."  She may not have said it in those exact words but the whole backing up and punting reference was right on.:)  I got what she meant and that is how I remember it.  Its all part of just be-ing and changing and re-evaluating. I am also going through some intense dietary changes to heal myself of candida too.  It just never ends.

Anyways.  The one thing that keeps going through my mind besides the voice that tells me, "Get your ass to recovery meetings" is "start blogging again."  Oh yeah.  I had some interesting conversations in my head with this voice about blogging again.  For starters I feel I have nothing to say.  Blah. Blah.  Funny I have nothing to say,yet, I have a whole list of blog post topics that came flooding out of me this past weekend.

So here I am.  In my voice.  Embarking on sharing.  Yep.  There really is alot I have to share based on the past few months of retreating, having a physical, mental, and spiritual breakdown, getting back on path, healing my physical body, and returning my happy rebellious ass to the rooms of Narcotic Anonymous.

Do I share my journey because I need some kind of witness or attention. Hmmmm....perhaps.  Who doesn't want to witnessed?  Honestly, I have always been called to write a blog.  I just have been half-assed about it.  Part of my problem is that before when I was writing my blog I was doing it through the voice of someone I was trying to make myself be.  Not who I really am.  There was nothing wrong with what I wrote.  I wrote from my heart, but, something just didn't feel right.  I didn't know what it was.  I couldn't put my finger on it.  Well, I soon did and that is going to be a topic for another blog post....

I have accepted this calling of sharing myself before and I am here doing again.  I haven't any profound answers.  I don't have great spiritual rhetoric to spout off.   I'm just  going through this growing process and just trying to figure it out one day at a time.  I'm sharing my experience, strength, hope, sarcasm, cuss words, truth, humor, honesty, and humility.  Honestly, I don't know shit.  I'm still learning.  What I do know is life happens one day at a time, one breath at a time, and one kick ass bowel movement at a time....seriously.  I mean that last one.  You know its true too:)

Stay tuned to Recovery Rising.  There is alot of good crazy coming out of my head.  For now it is time to get my booty to a recovery meeting.

Blessings,

Kristianna


There is only a fine line between crazy and genius:)

Braggs Raw Organic Apple Cider Vinegar: An Unexpected Journey

An Unexpected Journey...........

I would like to start out by stating that I am no expert on matters of healthy eating, supplements, diets, etc.   The only reason I am even dedicating a whole blog post to apple cider vinegar is because of the unexpected benefits I have had while taking it.  I have now been consistently taking 1-2 tsp in a glass of water in the morning and afternoon for a month and a half now.

 It was just after two days that I noticed some differences within in me.  After a week had gone by I had realized some more things had changed with me in relationship to certain foods and habits.   As more time went by I could not help but to feel a deep level of gratitude for what was changing in my body and habits.  This gratitude is what spilled over and had me post a time or two on Facebook about what I had been experiencing.  I was amazed at the amount of feedback I received and the interest.  I was joking at first about writing this blog but I received that inner "nod" to actually move forward and expand on my experience.  I don't usually write a blog until I feel that inner "nod."

As you read about how taking this supplement affected me please remember no two people are the same.  You may not experience what I have and you may experience something I will not.  Also some people do not do well with vinegar based products.  I know apple cider vinegar is not straight up distilled white vinegar but it is still a fermented food product.  Please keep that in mind.

Okay so here is my "unexpected journey"........

In the middle of March I put myself on a 30 day ayurvedic body cleanse that consisted of me eating an Ama reducing mung dal dish (mung beans and rice) three times a day.  Ama is a word used to describe the inner toxic waste that gets built up within our digestive system and affects are overall sense of well-being.  Ama is created from poor eating habits, eating leftover and frozen foods, and eating late at night among other things.

I went on this mono- diet not only to cleanse (mung beans are a great internal cleanser),but also to figure out what foods were contributing to me breaking out on my forehead and right side of my face.  As the month went on my skin started to calm down.  One of the many positive side effects of being on an internal body cleanse  is the connection with the body.  The senses get heightened.  The body really does communicate what its likes, dislikes, and needs are.  Most of the time we are to bogged down in toxic substances to feel that natural connection to the body and feel what it is saying.  My body guided me to start taking the apple cider vinegar.  I was praying for something to assist me with my digestive system thinking that  an imbalance there was contributing to the outbreaks on my skin also.  I was soon led to the ACV.

My first glass was just one teaspoon in the morning.  I enjoyed the taste.  It was a bit of a wake up to my taste buds at first, but I quickly got used to it.  I found myself wanting another glass at lunch and one in the late afternoon.  My body needed it.  The body always knows.  It wasn't long until I felt an increase in energy.  I would say after two days is when I realized I was not wanting to fall asleep around 3 in the afternoon.  I was quite energized.  After five to six days is when I suddenly realized I had no desire to take in caffeine.  The times I normally would crave caffeine I found myself craving a glass of the ACV.  This is a huge deal for me.  Caffeine has been an on and off again addiction for me.  It is hard because not only does it affect my nervous system in a negative way, but it also disrupts my hormone balance and makes me break out in what looks like chicken pox on my face.  I am allergic to it.  It is a substance that also takes me out of my serenity and causes me to go into a depressive state if taken for a long period of time.  Since taking the ACV I have not had any cravings for the caffeine as I normally do.  I could cry tears of gratitude just for that benefit.


Around the same time I noticed the lack of craving for caffeine I realized there was no cravings for sugar either.  That does not mean I have not eaten anything sweet.  It  just means I don't crave and need sugar like I used to.  If I do eat something sweet it is not with refined sugar.  I have been okay with just eating a little something and not go overboard.  I have been able to walk down aisles and past sweet temptations without a battle going on within me.  The battle in my mind trying to justify why I need that Vegan Vee treat.   I still eat yummy Vegan vee baked goods, but I don't find myself in an obsessive-compulsive state over sugar.

The energy I have gained from taking ACV has been a god send.  Let me say, sustained energy.  I can't remember the last time I have had a mid afternoon slump or the kind of crash  I normally would feel from sugar and caffeine.  Low energy has been an ongoing issue in my life also. My energy levels are amazing right now and I am enjoying every day of it.  The last thing I would like to share is my mood level.  I feel a change.  I know with the onset of spring comes elevated moods as the heaviness of winter melts away.  This has been different.  It feels like some kind of shift within my physiology.  It could be a combination of the body cleanse and heavy metal detox I did along with the consistent use of ACV.  I don't know.  I just know I like it.

I do not drink three glasses a day anymore as my body has indicated one to two is sufficient now.

I have also used ACV as a cool rinse in my hair after showering to make it shiny.  I have used it as a toner on my skin.  I also have noticed I smell good.  I know it sounds strange. I can't help sharing.  I said I would share how it has affected me.  I smell good from the inside out.

So that has been my "unexpected journey" with apple cider vinegar.  I hope you have some positive results if you are taking it.  Just remember give it at least 30 days.  Oh and if you have it as a drink at work and have to be around other people right after you drink it just be mindful:)  You are drinking vinegar!  Oh and be careful if you drink it after 6 P.M.  It was hard for me to fall asleep if I drank it to late.  See what works for you.

I see questions in comment sections often of people asking if it matters what kind of vinegar to use.  I have seen more times than not people answer with Braggs Organic Raw Apple Cider Vinegar.  You don't want the pasterurized, distilled vinegars.  You want the cloudy looking, brownish kind with the "mother" in it.  Do not be afraid of the cobweb like particles floating in the bottle.  You can find it in the Natural Market section of your grocery store for around $3-4 dollars.  Seriously.

Here is a link to an excerpt from the book:   Bragg Apple Cider Vinegar
http://bragg.com/books/acv_excerpt.html


I am going to include the link that I know has been around the block a few times on facebook.  If you haven't read it please give yourself some time to look it over.  15 Reasons To Use Apple Cider Vinegar

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-5875/15-Reasons-to-Use-Apple-Cider-Vinegar-Every-Day.html


Let me know how your journey goes!   I know I am staying on mine until I get guided another way.


Blessings and Glitter to You,

Kristianna

Self-Worth Awareness: Ask Yourself The Following Question...

What is your motivation?

This question, this simple little question, has had an incredible impact on my self-worth awareness.  Yes.  It is simple.  Yet incredibly powerful.  "What is my motivation?"

My ego does not enjoy when I ask myself this question. 

What is my motivation when I am in a heated discussion with another person?  

What is my motivation when I am judging somebody? 

What is my motivation when I share information, comments, status updates, and pics on Facebook?

What is my motivation behind clinging to certain "titles, roles, jobs, etc?"

What is my motivation behind sharing what I do in blog posts?

What is my motivation when I stay busy all the time and won't allow myself to rest?

I could go on but I will stop with just these questions. When I ask these questions I have a quick awareness of just where my sense of worth is tied up.  If I am judging somebody then I am  not feeling good enough about myself in some area.  If I start to panic at the thought of not being at a certain job or carrying a "title" or "playing" a life role then I can tell what my self-worth is based on.  If I find myself staying busy all the time and not resting then I am telling myself my needs are not worth anything.  I am not worthy of self-care.  My do-ing is what makes me worthy.

I ask myself sometimes why do I share on Facebook?  Am I basing my worth on how people respond to me, see me, or the "illusion"of me I create.  Is there a part of me that needs to be heard and seen to feel worth anything?  Or is it because I just enjoy posting updates and sharing information with others?

Let me say that I do not create an illusion. I am quite honest and forward about what I share.  The "illusion" is that every pic I post is me happy and having a good time.  That is only a part of my life.  There is another part that isn't always like that.

I enjoy sharing through social media including blog posts.  I have accepted this and as long as I keep asking myself, "What is my motivation?" I keep myself in check:)  I have started asking myself this question and since I have it has stopped me from many judgemental remarks and posts, arguments, lack of self-care moments, and painful awareness of how quickly I can get my worth tied up in a role or do-ing.  

If you can relate to any of the questions above then I invite you to ask yourself one or two of them.  What are your initial reactions?  What physical sensations happen in your body?  What are your first thoughts?  Just notice.  Cultivate Awareness.


"We are taught in this society to look outside to define ourselves and give us a feeling of worth,  We have worth if we are better than others.  We are validated in comparison to others, for being smarter, richer than, prettier, more talented, etc.  This empowers the illusion of separation and feeds the fear of not being good enough."

"True Self-Worth does not come from comparing to or judging others but going within and awakening to the connection of others.  When we look within and define our own truths we can celebrate the differences of each other instead of judging from fear."

"True self-worth comes from accessing your internal truth within-that state of grace which is your true being.  Only you can define your truth NOT the media, your employers, friends, family, only you!"

"Anyone who feels they have to be productive to feel good about themselves will feel like a victim
when not productive."

Self-Criticism to Self-Acceptance. Change Your Words. Change Your World. Change The World.

"Neuropeptides are chemical messengers that travel throughout the body whenever we think a thought or speak a word. When are thoughts are angry, judgemental, or critical, the chemicals they produce depress our immune system. When thoughts are loving, empowering, and positive the messengers carry chemicals to enhance the immune system, The communication between the mind and body never sleeps. Your mind is constantly relaying your thoughts to cells in your body." -Louise Hay ,Empowering Women: Every Woman's Guide To Successful Living.

Something amazing happened to me this past Sunday morning.  I experienced a magical moment in which I could see and feel the universe celebrating and dancing with me.  I am not kidding.  It was in this magical moment that for the first time in my life I allowed myself to acknowledge I have a gift.  Yes. I know my very existence is a gift.  I get that.  The gift I am speaking of is a "talent."  Something I do well and can share with others.

This moment came when I was in the shower.  I had put the finishing touches on a class I was to teach just hours later.  I had spent Friday and a good part of Saturday evening restructuring the format of this class that I had taught back in 2011.  While I was in the shower I kept running the outline of the class through my head and visualizing the flow of events.  As I was watching it play out from beginning to end I was quite taken back by the changes I had made. In the next moment a mixture of confidence and excitement washed over me.  It was as if someone else took over my body for a moment.  I felt my mouth open and out came the words,  "Oh my God, I really do have a gift for designing workshops!  Hello, look how many amazing two and three hour workshops you have created.  Some of the best ones you have taught were put together in one night.  Not only that you are darn good at facilitating and sharing these teachings!"

What happened after that moment was just as magical. You may not believe what I say, but, that is okay I know what I saw.  After I spoke those words I looked into around me and saw little flicks of light dancing around.  At first I was sure it was due to how I moved my eyes.  It is common to see flashes of light when the eyes move in a certain way.  No, it wasn't that.  After the flickers of light disappeared I tried to move my eyes exactly the same way and nothing happened.  Why do I share this?  I share it because I want to believe that when I acknowledged something positive about myself the whole universe danced including my energy field.

I have spent most of my life feeling less than.  I have had admiration for many women and men through out my lifetime.  Some for their talents, some for their confidence, some for their intelligence, and others for how amazingly authentic they live.  I have also lived much of my life playing the supporting role in other peoples dreams.   This was because for so long I had no confidence in manifesting my own dreams.  I had no clue that I had an inner hard drive (subconscious) that was running a software program (belief system/core issues) of "I don't matter and I am not good enough."  I literally spent years believing I had no talent and no gifts to offer the world.  I would continue to draw in people and situations to reinforce this core belief system. This included a soul crushing experience in my college theatre department days that to this day changed my relationship with acting.

Stating to the universe that I have a talent and really believing it is not normal for me.  Let me emphasize the "believing" part.  It has been difficult for me most of my life to accept compliments.  That is not uncommon for someone who has low self-esteem and low self-worth. It used to be hard to believe someone when they would compliment me on my writing, acting, pastel drawings, or even the rare times I would sing in public.

It has certainly gotten better over the past few years for me.  My self-esteem and self-worth has increased because I was fortunate enough to discover the root cause of my trauma.  I was also able to get crystal clear about my main core issues.  I eventually gave in and discovered ways to change the software (belief systems) that had been running my life.  Experiencing that "magical moment" of acknowledging my gift took a lot and I mean A LOT of work and dedication.

I know it was no accident I made those statements to the universe just hours before that particular class.  It was the class of the Recovery Rising series that affirmations and mirror work are introduced.

Yes, affirmations!

I'm sure some of you reading this will remember a little skit from Saturday Night Live starring Al Franken as Stuart Smalley.  He would sit in front of a full length mirror in a soft pastel yellow sweater and repeat affirmations to himself.  Uggh.  It was because of that skit that I did not want to even entertain the idea of "affirmation work."  Give me a break.

I look back now and can see I was only hurting myself and prolonging the pain within by not having an open mind and being willing to try something new.  I was judging something based on a comedy skit from 1991!   That is what inspired me to bring up the following questions before we moved into the affirmation part of last Sunday's class, " Why is it acceptable in our society to walk around being self-critical all the time?  Why is it easier to walk around speaking negative words to self than it is to walk around repeating positive loving words?"   My point is people get uncomfortable when it comes to self-love talk.  I know.  I have witnessed it and I have also been one of those people.  It makes me wonder what this world would be like if we all were comfortable with showering our ourselves with positive loving talk.

We all have the power to change.  The change has to come from within and it begins with the words we say to ourselves.  The new hair cut, new breasts, last 10 pounds, change of location, new girlfriend or boyfriend will only serve to distract you temporarily from how you feel within and patterns that may need to change.  We have the power  change our physical body.  We also have the power to change our thought patterns.

Louise L. Hay states in her book, "You Can Heal Your Life" that body problems, money problems, relationship problems, and lack of creative expression are all side effects of:  Not Loving The Self.  One of the first things she would have people do when they came to her for help was look in the mirror and say, "I love and accept you exactly as you are."  You can read in her book about how people reacted when going through that experience.  Not an easy thing to do.  Talk about powerful in the face feedback.

When I read the affirmation, "I love and accept you exactly as you are" part of me still snickers and sees Stuart Smalley.  After I get the snicker out I remind myself how strange it is not to flood myself with kind loving words.  When I first started this work I  had to begin with, "I am willing to love and accept myself."  That is how much I was resisting.

There are so many affirmations out there to choose from.  If you know your specific core issues/negative thought patterns you can create specific affirmations to shift them.  If you have a physical imbalance it is possible there is a negative thought pattern that assisted in creating it.  If you are interested in learning more about how negative thought patterns can contribute to physical dis-eases please read, "You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.

If you are new to affirmations and want one to start with I suggest starting with, "I Love and Accept Myself." It is the foundation of self-healing.  It will probably feel uncomfortable at first, but, isn't starting anything new?  If you have ever lifted weights with the intent of building muscle you may remember the first couple sessions.  You may have felt weak and perhaps a bit self-conscious. Your muscles may have felt sore and uncomfortable a day or two after the first workout.  You may not have seen bulging biceps right away,but, after a couple of months of dedicated sessions you started to see results.  If anyone out there does have a goal of developing bulging biceps be sure to check your  motivation behind building them.  If it is based on low-self worth then all your going to have is bulging biceps and low self-worth.  Think about how many years you have lived with negative thought patterns.  It will take time to shift into new ones, but, with discipline it can happen.

As for me I am still changing my inner world.  Some days are better than others.  I am having more days like last Sunday and it feels good.  I have three affirmations I am working with right now and clearly they are doing something right.  I write each one out 25 times before I go to bed.  If I am in an appropriate place to do so I may also sing them, dance them, and say them when looking into a mirror.  I also do something for myself to reinforce the affirmation.  When I was all about the love and accepting myself I would do something nice for myself such as take a relaxing bath and cuddle up in a blanket, or, I would take myself out on a date.  Yes.  All by myself on a date.   Heck, I still do those things.  Self-love never ends!

It is Valentine's Day week.   How about giving yourself the gift of no negative self-talk for a day!

As for me I am looking forward to more magical moments and perhaps one day facilitating an all day workshop!

All I have to do is the next right thing.......and be nice to myself!

Oh, and did I happen to mention the book, "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay?

Another favorite book I mention ALL the time is, "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die" by Karol Truman

Creative Recovery, Perfectionism, and Asking You To Witness My Soul Painting

Creativity Rising.....

In the last blog post I wrote, A Love Letter From My Soul,  I shared about how my soul held nothing back and basically told me to "cut the bullshit." It shared about how it wanted to experience life via this physical body.  My soul is a creative soul.  An artist.  It knows how it wants to express, but it is always locked down by me.  Once in a while I open a window and let it out, but then I shut it again.  Tight.  I feel my soul's sadness.  I have felt it for way too long.  Can a soul actually be sad?  I am not sure.  I do know when I don't listen to it I am sad.  This is why I am starting down this new path of my recovery journey.  My creative recovery.

I made the decision last week to sign up for a 5 week workshop at the local co-op art studio, Art and Soul. The series is called, The Heroes Journey.  Using movement, writing, visualizations, and theatrical play we will tap into the wellspring of our own creativity and consider life in archetypal terms based on the teachings of Joseph Campbell.  We are going to explore our own personal hero journey and learn to recognize mentors, threshold guardians, heralds, shape shifters, and tricksters in our life all while reflecting on the stages of refusing the call to adventure.  Awesome.  Sounds like a good combo of thought provoking teachings and creative activities.  Just what the "soul doctor" ordered.

I'm also connected to two great online resources for creative recovery.  I am choosing to immerse myself in the creative energy.  I think the combination of the in -person class and the online resources will be a great balance for me.  I do not do well just taking "online" courses.  I am an earth sign and need the grounding.  I need the in person support and accountability.

I would like to share one painting with you and ask you to be a witness.  It is the painting that "my soul" mentioned in my last blog.  It is very special to me because of the actual process I went through within myself while creating it.

One of my shadow parts is the "perfectionist."  This also relates to my first chakra and having to prove my self-worth.  It was while I was in trauma treatment that I learned the different sides to perfectionism.  The awareness I have gained about it has allowed me to accept this part of me and understand I have nothing to prove.  I was not the perfectionist in the way that everything around me had to be in its place and everything I put my mind to got done and was perfect.  No.  I used to be the perfectionist that was afraid to start anything new for fear of not doing it perfect right away.  I used to be the perfectionist that when I learned something new I would expect myself to get it right away. If I didn't I would put myself down and end up quitting.  I used to be the perfectionist that would go from 0-60 right away and push and push to make something happen exactly how I wanted it and would literally make myself sick doing it.  Just to prove my worth.  It would never be enough.

Then I entered treatment and everything changed.  I allowed myself to feel that nothing out "there" is going to give me worth.  My worth was established from just being born.  It is all within.

The following creative recovery assignment I know is not anything new.  In fact, I remember someone telling me about a course they took to move through their creative blocks and  fear of messing up that was similar to this.  This piece was created last August.  I documented the process for my own personal reflection.  I felt enough time had passed to share it.

Thank you for witnessing.


The Process:

This creative assignment was simply for me to go on a spirit walk in nature.  I was to say a prayer before going and ask for the items that wanted be included in my painting to present themselves.  The intention for the painting was to keep messing up.  When I was getting comfortable with how it was turning out I was to mess it up and create a new layer.  When I got comfortable again I was to take it outside and throw it on the ground and rub in the grass and create textures in it.  I was to keep layering the painting with texture and let go of any attachment or need for it to be perfect.

It was one of the most freeing, fun, soul connected to heaven summer afternoons I had spent in a long time.  I felt alive and whole inside and part of everything.  I am not kidding.  My soul was free and experiencing.  I would like to share that experience via the photos below.  There are paint brushes present in the first photo. The only time I used is a brush was to write words.  Everything else was me exploring through my hands and a washcloth.

My Supplies

Blank canvas and the flinging begins...

Finger Painting

"Fun with my hands and a washcloth"

"My soul starts to speak"

"No Attachments"

"Transforming"

"Layers"

"Completion....or is it?"

It was a fun experience.  I look forward to having many more as I allow my soul and inner child out to play.

I would like to share the full version of what I created for myself and look at everyday to remind myself:

Release Perfectionism

"There is nothing to prove.  Just relax and enjoy the simple moments of life.  Your worth was established just from being born.  There is nothing out there that will ever give you worth.  It is all within.  It is between you and the divine.  No more 0-60 to gain approval that will never seem enough.  Approve of yourself.  You are enough.  You Matter!!"

Let Go and Relax


Blessings,

Kristianna

Check out these two websites for creative sparkle:

http://leoniedawson.com   Leonie is a creative Goddess and pure magic!  Check out her Goddess Circle..

http://jamieridlerstudios.ca  Create sparkle in your life with Jamie!

A Love Letter From My Soul: Cut The Bullshit and Listen To My Call..

Intuitive Play time at Art and Soul last year.  My first piece..."My soul"

I just got schooled by my soul and it went something like this:

"Enough!  Cut the bullshit!  You know exactly what I am talking about. You can not  keep avoiding me.  I am your truth.  I am the way.  I am your key to the kingdom of heaven here on earth.  I have the answers to what will make you feel whole.  You have opened windows to me several times through out the past year.  Do you remember?  Do you remember the completeness you felt when you allowed yourself to express me through painting?  Do you remember that last painting you did?  I am  that painting.   Do you remember the first Oneness Blessing weekend you attended?  The aliveness and spiritual connection you felt when you allowed yourself to dance until you collapsed into a sweaty pile of tears and gratitude in front of the alter of all faiths.  How about the exquisite heart opening moments that happened when you allowed me to come through your singing?  Nothing else opens the lock of our heart and the door to heaven for us like singing.  Do you not remember the tears of joy that streamed down your face when you were able to play a full song on your guitar?  Why do you continue to deny the parts of you that make you whole and complete?

 The way you have been avoiding my call is by crawling into your head and escaping into yet another spiritual group, meditation technique, or new thought teaching class.  There is nothing wrong with any of those.  They serve you well.  They have been a beautiful part of your healing journey, but, there has to be a balance!  I just can't take listening and thinking about another new concept or way to ascend. You know what you need to do.  Take action.  I need to experience. That is why I am in your body!  The Picean age was about knowledge, thinking, knowing, coming from the head.  The Aquarian age is about experiencing and expressing from the heart and taking responsibility for yourself.  You know what you need to do.  You just don't do it.

Oh, and you need to keep dancing.  Do you remember what you"experienced" a couple weeks ago when I decided enough was enough?  I walked you right out of that spiritual meet up group and back home to dance.  I wanted to dance!!!!   That was the meditation I wanted to experience.  That was the prayer.  That was the connection to the divine that night.   I want to fully experience why I am here on this earth plane.  I need to create.  I need to express my self.  That is all you need to know.  This is what is next on your  path of "recovery."  Acknowledge your artistic soul.  Embrace me.  I have your answers.  Just go within and feel me.  That is right.  Don't think...feel.

I know this past year hasn't been easy.  You have been recovering from some life shattering experiences.  I know the reasons why you have been disconnected from this truth of yours for many   years.  It is okay.  All of the meditation, yoga, support groups, and new thought classes have assisted you to get to this place.  This is part of your rebirth.  This is part of your process of "returning to your original self."  Be gentle and kind to yourself.  If you don't listen to me though, I will take over and trust me it can be at any time:)!"


Infinite love,

Your Soul

Somewhere within me she resides.  I feel her...

This awareness has been permeating my being ever since that night I literally got up from the first part of that meet up group. In the first part of the meet up we tone on each chakra before we go into practicing breath of fire on each chakra.  I literally had to get up and leave after the toning because I felt frustrated and ill.  My friend is the facilitator so I knew she would understand.  I was really surprised by how frustrated I was.  I arrived home and immediately found myself up in my sanctuary that I affectionately call the "Pink Room."  The lights remained off and many candles were quickly lit.  I went to my computer and found my way to one of my favorite blogs.  It is one of my favorites because the author of the blog is living proof  that trauma can be healed and a return to ones artistic soul can happen.  She reclaimed a part of herself, that little girl, that was lost due to years of trauma, anxiety and depression. I often go to her blog because she reflects back to me what I feel lies deep within myself.

She reminds me of that little girl that is buried deep within.  The girl who used to wear tutu's, platform shoes, loved to act, danced in her front yard, danced in her back yard, went by a stage name through high school, expressed herself through clothes, and dreamed bigger dreams than the state of Pennsylvania could hold. I believe she reflects back the frozen parts of many people who are still in the process of "re-animating" themselves after experiencing the affects of trauma for many years.  She reflects hope.  In her 40's this woman reconnected to her love of dance, wearing tutu's, and overall sense of play.  She ended up opening her own women's only movement studio called, Girl on Fire Movement Studio. She teaches Kundalini Yoga, various types of dance classes, encourages women to reconnect to their " lost girl", accept and love their bodies, and just remember how to play.  If I lived there still I would be there as much as I could.  She re-animated herself.


I went to her website that night because she often posts videos of musical pieces and encourages her readers to, "Move to This."   I believe I scrolled through her whole blog playing every video she suggested.  My body could not get enough. It soaked up the dance like dehydrated skin soaks up lotion.    I was fully in my body, accepting and loving every part of it.

My soul was reminding me about how it is here to experience and the need for balance.  Yoga, meditation, classes, and groups are great, but a balance needs to take place.  I need to also feed my souls yearning to express its creative side.  I have been hiding and avoiding it.  I open the window to my soul for brief moments and a rainbow of color bursts out.  I am not used to the beauty and intensity so I quickly shut the window again.  When you live with emotional trauma the world tends to be in black and white.  As you heal colors start to appear again.  It may seem strange, but trauma survivors know what I am talking about.  The path of healing from trauma is like being in the movie Pleasantville.  The more healing that happens the more colorful and vibrant life becomes.  This is my new path of recovery.  What do I need to do to keep the windows of my soul open, and let it flourish. Let in flourish  in all its beautiful rainbow colors!

I encourage students in my Recovery Rising classes to connect to their "inner child" through pastels, drawing, and paint.  It really does take one back to the basics.  Back to an innocence and freedom that gets buried with each passing year of life circumstances.  I also encourage them to connect to their bodies through dance as a way to develop body awareness, self acceptance, and to feel a sense of being alive.  I also teach this because it teaches me.  I teach this so I can continue to recover. Yogi Bhajan said, " If you want to master something- teach it."  Yes.  That is exactly what I am doing.

Balance.  Awareness.  Surrender.  Acceptance.


My soul has spoken loud and clear?  Have you listened to yours lately?  Watch out!


Excuse me now..it is time for me to dance!


If you would like to check out the blog I talked about go to www.girlonfiredance.com. The "Girl on Fire" is Christine Claire Reed.  It is inspiring.