In A NYC Dance Studio: I Sweat My Prayers, Danced With God, and Found Myself.

Dance till you shatter-Rumi


It has now been two years since my life as I had known it "shattered." I have been on a journey of piecing back together all parts of myself in a new way since October 22, 2011.  Recovering from emotional trauma takes a great deal of time, gentleness, patience, and a willingness to try different things to assist one in making sense of self and the world.  The journey that I have been on to recover the lost parts of myself over the past couple of years has taken me to therapists, treatment centers, various yoga sets, creative art classes, energy healers, chiropractors, natural healers, and of course this journey introduced me to the healing power of dance.  In particular, the movement as meditation, practice that is known as The 5 Rhythms.

 I discovered this practice while I was house sitting deep in the woods about 30 miles outside of Nashville.  I was grateful for the time I was given to be with me and the ability to be able to connect and rest in the womb of Mother Nature.  The time and space spent in nature allowed me to be with the confusion and pain that was permeating through my being at the time and assisted me with connecting to what I needed to do to heal me.

"Traveled The Good Red Road To The House"

  I remember one day I was sitting in the house drenched in sadness.  Intuitively  I knew I needed to start moving my body, but the regimented practice of the style of yoga I was practicing was not what it needed.  I needed something different.  I happened to get up from the couch I was on and go and google tthe 5 Rhythms.  I thought of the 5 Rhythms only because a year earlier a student came into the studio I taught at and was inquiring about possibly holding a 5 Rhythms Movement gathering there.  Due to the type of floors that were in the studio at the time she opted not too.  That meeting seemed to plant some kind of seed in me.  After that meeting with her I went home and looked up what the 5 Rhythms was about.  I remember  reading about the practice through the 5 Rhythms web site, but, at that time I just didn't get it.  I wasn't ready.

 A year later.

Deep in the woods.

 Nowhere to go.

 Looking through different eyes.

I  read the information on the website again. This time I seemed to be able to understand what the practice was about.  I remember watching a video of Gabrielle Roth, the creator of the 5 Rhythms, speaking about the purpose of the rhythms.  I had tears streaming down my face while listening to her and the call from my soul to get up and dance the rhythms was unlike anything I had felt before.  If I was going to get reacquainted with my body this was how I would start.  So I put on music and moved.

 I didn't really know what i was suppose to do.  I just watched the videos I could find on line,  looked up what I could about what each rhythm was about, and then I just danced.

That House In The Woods

My Dance Floor

 I danced in the rain.

 I danced around the fire pit.

I danced with the trees as my partners.

 I danced under the moon.

I danced in the mud.

Best of all I was dancing with myself.

 I was dancing back into my body.

Eventually I bought the book, Sweat Your Prayers by Gabrielle Roth.  Reading about the rhythms took me to a whole new understanding of the practice.  I learned about the disowned parts of myself.  Each of the rhythms actually have various archetypes connected to them and these archetypes represent different part of the self.  As soon as I read what archetypes were associated with each rhythm I immediately knew which parts of me needed to be reclaimed.  I knew one of those parts was my masculine/father energy.  I would own the rhythm of staccato:)

From that time in the woods until now I have continued to practice the rhythms.  There are no teachers in Nashville and no official groups that gather.  Last March by divine chance I happened to get an e-mail from someone that was advertising a 5 Rhythms Workshop coming to Nashville.  It happened to be only two days away.  What a miracle.  I attended and it gave me my first experience of really dancing the rhythms in a group.  It was powerful.  I was grateful.

 Nothing could prepare me for what I would experience with dancing the rhythms in a classroom in NYC just three months later.........


It amazes me that I have lived in New York City five different times since I was 18 and not one of those times did this movement practice come into my life.  It's strange to think I could have opened my apartment door and strolled just a few blocks to a studio and been part of a class every night.  Yet, back then I walked out my door  and strolled into the gym next door to work with a personal trainer and sweat in cardio- kick boxing classes.

"Machines don't call me.  I'm not a member of the gym.  The reality is I demand more from my workouts.-I want God.  When I dance I feel the presence of a divine force and this is my addiction.  Feeding it is as simple as putting on the right music and letting go.  Doing what I have come to call "the five rhythms" is the surest way to drop whatever you are carrying and to move beyond your baggage to a new you, a new body, one that is fueled by soul." -Gabrielle Roth, Sweat Your Prayers

So this past June I went back up to NYC.  The first time since my "shattering."  It was different.  I was different.  I had visited the city a couple times after moving away in 2001 but now everything within me had shifted.  I was now seeing the city through different eyes and taking in its energy through different senses than before.

On a grey, cloudy Sunday morning I had the pleasure of strolling by myself from my old neighborhood on the east side over to the West Village.  I stopped to sit in Union Square Park and did a bit of journaling.  That park has been a part of my life journey since I was a lost and lonely 18 year old from a small town in Pennsylvania trying to make sense of the living in a city. I ate many turkey sandwiches on the steps during my lunch breaks from classes at Lee Strasberg Theatre Institute, I have wandered the farmers market many times and delight in how it has grown since the early 2000's, and this park has welcomed me back to its benches every time I have returned to visit.   The buildings around the square have changed since 1994 but the benches, and the memories they hold, have remained the same.

 After visiting with my old park friendI left and  continued walking the streets, taking in the energy of the city, and honoring the memories of a time and a person I was long ago.

 I soon  found the dance studio that was hosting the class and stood outside.  I snapped a picture of a flyer on the studio door that was a 5 Rhythms advertisement.  The picture captured a reflection of a grand church that was behind me.  This  photo perfectly represented the experience that was going to come.  I was literally about to attend "church."

"The Church of Dance"

When I entered into the studio there was already a good group gathered.  The teacher had a pa system set up and already had music playing.  People started floating into the studio.  Everyone seemed to know what to do.  There was no instruction.  Just music and space.  I couldn't help but to notice right away a woman sitting on the floor against a pillar.  She looked primitive.  She was sitting with her feet flat on the floor, knees spread wide, eyes closed.  A slight grin of what seemed like ecstasy was spread across her face.  It literally looked like she was in the act of foreplay with some invisible force.  I was confused.  The cells within me that held old Puritan beliefs from my ancestors about the body and sexual expression must have caused me to roll my eyes and feel a discomfort within me at the site of her.  I wasn't expecting to feel like that.

There were people of all ages, shapes, sizes.  Men.  Women.  People with missing limbs.  All coming together to experience this movement practice.  To know themselves.  To know themselves in relation to others.  And to discover it all on the dance floor.

"Warming Up"

As I began to connect to the music and let the rhythm of flowing move through me the excitement of being there began to fade and was soon replaced with the experience of awkwardness in my body.  I couldn't let myself flow.  It was difficult for me to move.  It is never difficult for me to move.  My body was resisting.  I was self-conscious.  Nervous.  It hit me that I didn't know anybody.  I was an outsider.  I didn't know what was going on.  Part of me wanted to run.  I suddenly felt like I didn't belong.  What the hell was I doing here?  My core issues were coming forth.  The experience was beginning.  Shit. Shit. Fuck.

I remembered the passage from the book,  Sweat Your Prayers that had Gabrielle sharing about a woman who was dancing the rhythm of chaos.  This woman had a vision of herself as a little girl who couldn't have fun.  While dancing she tried to make herself have fun.  Gabrielle had said that was not a good idea.  Rather than imposing a feeling upon her dance, she should enter into the dance that she was avoiding, the dance of not having fun, and dance it fully, dance through until it changed.

"There are no good or bad or better or worse dance; there is only the dance itself."- Gabrielle Roth

So I did.  I danced the awkwardness.  I allowed myself to feel like a robot.  I closed my eyes and danced "uncomfortable and awkward and self-consciousness."  I allowed myself to feel the feelings of not mattering and not good enough.  I allowed all of it to guide my movement.  You know what?  Yep. It did shift.  Suddenly I was able to move and I allowed myself to move to a different area of the studio.

"Somewhere between Flowing and Staccato"

I remember how being in a group of strangers also brought forth the feelings of not mattering.  Many people seemed to know one another and I felt like an outsider.  When I found myself staying on the outskirts of the group I would  get myself to move towards the center and try to connect with someone to dance.  I could not connect.  I realized even in my dance the walls I had around me were there.  I was dancing staccato and I was getting mad.  I didn't want these walls.  I wanted to be able to move through them.  I wanted to be able to connect to people.

 I kept noticing one girl in particular.  Something about her rubbed me the wrong way.  I remember her blood red lipstick and raven black hair.  She reminded me of an 18 year version of myself when I first moved to this city.  When I would go near her I kept noticing she wouldn't look me in the eye.  I remember feeling really frustrated because I felt she was purposely avoiding me.  I did not feel this with anyone else just her.  It really pissed me off.  "What was wrong with me?" Time after time something about her really triggered me. What did she have against me?  So I decided to stay away from her.  Issues being played out on the dance floor.

"Chaos"

Then the rhythm of chaos came.  The collective energy of the group intensified.  Shit was getting real.  The layers people carried in with them had been shed through the rhythms of flowing and staccato.  A  sense of freedom to really move and let go was now fully present.  The magic was increasing and suddenly I was face to face with the raven black hair girl with the blood red lips in the dead center middle of the dance floor.  I like to believe the universe orchestrated that precise moment for the two of us to meet as part of our spiritual experience.

Alice Coopers, Schools Out, came on and the room erupted in screams.  Suddenly the room was full of 18 year olds.  Bodies jumping up and down, fist pumps in the air, as if we were connecting to the memories and feelings of the last day of high school. All of us expressing the excitement of not having to listen to teachers anymore or having to be trapped in the confines of a class room anymore.  Freedom was ours.

The freedom of the present moment was that of letting our spirits soar with the rhythms of the primal beats that were deepening as we all went into chaos.  This girl and I were now face to face and our eyes were locked.  In the middle of the chaos of bodies we threw a fit together.  Reflections of one another.  We did not know each other but something within us that we needed to see in one another brought us together.  Clearly something we were both wanting to avoid.  We threw a fit to Alice Cooper.  Jumping up and down, screaming,  hair flying, and  fists pumping.  When we had no more pent up teen age angst to release we both smiled at one another.  We had faced one another.  Each of us broke down a wall.  After that we didn't avoid one another.  We danced.

  God respects us
when we work but loves us
when we dance.
-Old Sufi saying


I finally could experience what I only read about in regards to chaos.  I went to the that place where the the soul takes over and partners with the rhythm of the music.  Out of the clutches of the mind the body and soul knew exactly what to do.  I was now part of a tribe and this tribe was sweating its prayers.  My body went into a tribal dance of some sorts and the observer in me stepped back to witness.  There was no effort. Sweat pouring down my face.  I was free.  It was a meditation.  A trance.  A freedom from the clutches of the mind.  It was a connection to spirit.  A connection to unlike anything I ever experienced sitting in a chair or on a hard wood pew of a church.  I felt the holy spirit.  I connected to shakti energy.  I felt the divine dancing with me.  I felt connected to every person in that room in a way I could not when I first entered the studio.  Nobody preached to me about how to find God or ways to act in order to connect to God.  I didn't have to go through a preacher.  I was connected.  In ecstasy.  I understood now possibly why the woman who sparked an uneasiness in me when I entered the studio was sitting there looking like she was making out with an invisible force.  I was now connected to the amazing creative second chakra energy that was permeating the studio. I felt like I was making out with an invisible divine energy.  I was simply allowing myself to not stop resisting the flow of the divine Kundalini energy.  The creative force of the universe.

"Lyrical"

When the lyrical rhythm began I felt free.  I was skipping around the studio experiencing the lightness of being.  Dancing lyrical after giving it all over through the rhythm of chaos is like experiencing the relief and lightness after a deep cry or emotional release.  I had shaken off so many emotional layers.  Even though this rhythm is about lightness and play I found myself feeling sadness.  The sadness was for all those people that never allow themselves to let go.  Those people who are held back from letting their hair fly and arms flail.  Those humans who don't allow themselves to play, and dance, and feel, and cry and just live.  I was sad for that part of me that for so many years never allowed myself to play.  I found myself saying a prayer for my ancestors and my current family members.  I then invited my family in spirit to join me.  I skipped around the room and danced for all my ancestors and current family members who can't let go.  Who can't connect to play or express their feelings.  I danced for them and I released for all my generations.

 I skipped and played and looked at the skyline of the city that I have loved and hated for so many years.  This time around I got this city.  I got it on a level I wasn't able to before because I had been blocked off to it.  Everything about New York is poetic.  It is shitty and beautiful.  It can make peoples dreams come true and can shatter them.  The creative energy in that city is thick with hopes and dreams and sadness and despair.  It is truly a place where all those who never fit into their families, who were misunderstood, and who are just free spirits can escape too.  Even if it is for a short time.  New York offers so much to people to feel alive.  And for the first time in a long time I felt alive.  Looking out to the skyline, looking at the grand church,  I was alive.  And for the first time I thanked the city for its beauty and its gifts.

"My Stillness"

Then there was the rhythm of stillness.  I just kept staring out the window.  It is all I could do.  At this point I was tired.  I gave the dance everything of me.  I was at the zero point and all I could do was be.  I stood in the window and continued to stare at the church.  Just swaying back and forth. Surrendered.  My body in complete prayer.  I then turned around and took in the studio and the group of souls-the tribe- that assisted me with this life changing experience. I breathed in the smell of sweat and city air.  I didn't want to forget.  I didn't want to forget how it was to experience heaven on earth.  I didn't want to forget what it was like to be fully alive and dancing in the kingdom of heaven.

No Filters on this Photo Just Sweat and After Glow!

I thanked the instructor and of course had to get my picture taken with him.  I shared how grateful I was and also how sad I was that this did not happen in Nashville.  There is a church on every corner in Nashville promising that their way is the way to connect to God.  Yet it was this practice that gave me direct experience  Where is a 5 Rhythms "church" in my current hometown?

That was my NYC 5 Rhythms experience.

The creative ideas that flowed from me during those two hours were amazing.  I wonder what life would be like to dance in a class like that twice a week?  At this point I would take once a week.

Tonight on October 22, 2013 three years after my "shattering"  I get to participate in a 5 Rhythms workshop here in Nashville, TN.  I am excited and nervous at the same time. That means I am alive.  I don't know what to expect.  Anything can happen.  I do know that no matter what some kind of magic will be happening.  Its just a matter of being open to how it shows up.

What are the "5 Rhythms" Of The Soul?

"Doing the rhythms is about waking up your most essential nature, stretching your intuition and imagination as surely as your body.  It's a formless form, one that expands your range of physical and emotional expression and introduces you to forgotten parts of your psyche.  Anyone can do the rhythms."  -Gabrielle Roth, Sweat Your Prayers

Flowing- Feminine energy, connecting to how your body moves, being open to change and birthing new movement.  Moving from the inhalation.  Taking in the goodness.  Taking in compliments, let downs, support.  Soft, rounded movements.  Earth.

Staccato-Masculine energy, putting self in world, moving through inertia, areas one feels stuck, sharp lines and edges, creating boundaries, the rhythm of taking responsibility, showing up for self, being the hero of your life, Fire

Chaos- The meeting of the divine feminine and masculine, diving beneath the self-imposed layers into the depths of your being and shaking it out, connecting to intuition, releasing from the mind, giving it all over to the divine, freeing self, powerful as water to wash away and cleanse out the old

Lyrical- "Lightness of being"  A celebration.  Still as free and wild as chaos but lighter.  This is about air.  Feeling what you feel but lighter.  Like the afterglow of sex.  The lightness of being after a really good cry. The good feeling after studying hard, taking a test, acing it, and enjoying the feeling of accomplishment.  Anything is possible when connected to the rhythm of lyrical.  We don't have to lock ourselves into being one thing we know we can shape shift.  We know we can change anytime.  We can celebrate life.  Air.

Stillness- Experiencing the power of being and not the power of doing.  Slowing down to the present moment.  Connecting within.  Moving to find stillness.  This is the rhythm of growing older.     The rhythm of dying.  Peacefulness.  Meditation.  Staying present in the middle of a storm.

If you are interested in experiencing this movement as a spiritual practice just start looking online.  There are plenty of resources and videos available to get you started.  There are no steps to learn.  You don't have to know how to dance.  

Books available:

Sweat Your Prayers, The Five Rhythms Of The Soul by Gabrielle Roth

Maps To Ecstasy by Gabrielle Roth

Website:

www.5rhythms.com

When is the last time you have allowed yourself to let go.......

DANCE.

The Gifts of A Journal: A Must Have Tool When Embarking On A Journey To Your True Self!

Journal:  1. a personal  record of occurrences, experiences, and reflections kept on a daily basis; 2. a diary

Journey:  1. to travel over or through  2. a traveling from one place to another  3. a distance, course or area traveled 

It is interesting that there is only a two letter difference between the above two words.  Embarking on a self-healing or any type of transformational journey takes a person from one place within themselves to another.  A journey to your true self requires travel through many layers that were created over much time.  A journal is a priceless tool to have while on your inner travels.  It is a friend, a compass, a reference, and a map to finding the treasure which is your truth.  Your authentic, I Am, self.

Journaling has been a part of my life for as far back as I can remember.  I have hazy early memories of the small diaries I would receive at Christmas time that would come with a lock and those itty -bitty keys to open them.  I loved those diaries.  I loved the fact that they had a lock on them.  I mean let's be honest anyone with determination and a bobby pin could open one of those diaries, but, that was not the point.  The point was to my pre- teen and teenage self this was a part of my world that was all mine. The lock was symbolic. This was where I could be me, fully and completely.  I could share with my diary all of my secret middle school boy crushes, how frustrated I was at my mom for not letting me stay the night at my best friends, or allow its comforting pages to collect my salt water tears from the pain of feeling so ugly, different, and utterly alone for so many years.

My diaries have changed throughout the years.  In fact I believe when I stopped calling it a diary and began calling it a journal is when I graduated to the more "adult" version.  I remember going through a phase when I had to be all grown up and therefore I needed a Barnes and Nobles- esque Moleskin type journal.  Very boring.  Very uninspiring.  Sorta like what happens when you lose touch with your inner child.  When you succumb to the belief that you have to be grown up all the time.  When play time becomes a luxury and not a necessity.  That phase lasted for a while.  Painful.

I have saved almost all of my journals from right out of high school until today.  Unfortunately some of those journals have been lost due to many different moves I have made to different parts of the United States.  If I go into my shed today I still have a big box full of journals.  I can open one at any time and be taken back to a certain period of my life.  It is actually fascinating.  Sometimes I cringe.  Sometimes  I laugh.  Sometimes I wonder who the person was writing at that time because she doesn't sound like me.  Sometimes I can read where I haven't changed in some areas.  Other times I read about the areas of my life I have changed.  Sometimes I get to remember something I otherwise forgot or chose to purposefully forget:)  Sometimes I smile because I can read where I came from and stand here now knowing I survived.

I am so glad I kept my journals.  They are my life.  I always imagined one day I would have grandchildren and when I passed away I would leave them a box.  The box would contain a letter from me to them and all my journals and memorabilia I have kept throughout my life.  I would want them to remember who I was when I was younger. Not just the old woman they had come to know but who that old woman once was and eventually grew to be.  I don't know if I will ever have that opportunity for I do not have children at this time in my life.  However it is a strong image and I still feel it will be carried out.  I just don't know whose children it will be who gets the box?:)

Journaling is therapeutic.  It is powerful.  It is trans formative.  It is not for everyone although everyone could benefit.

I often hear from people that they would like to journal but just don't think they can.  At first when I started hearing those responses it confused me.  How could someone not journal?  It is so easy to do.  I have heard many different excuses over time as to why people can't or just will not journal.  Of all the excuses I have heard from different people about why they can not sit down and simply write the following two seem to be the most popular:

1.  I don't have time  

2.  I don't know what I would write


These to me are just that -excuses.  If someone really wants to do something that is suggested as a tool to get all the "inner muck" out of their head and onto the paper in front of them for some relief and to gain some awareness then they will find a way to do it.  Writing in a journal takes nothing more than opening a notebook and putting pen or pencil to paper and just start writing what is on your mind.  That is all.

Now there are many other ways to journal, but if you want the simple and straight forward way to start then just open up the notebook and start writing.

My favorite time to journal is when I first wake up.  I have a routine in the morning of what I do to prepare myself mentally and physically for the day.  Journaling is included in this morning routine.  It is a great way for me to let out all the subconscious mind funk that came up from the night before and lay it out on paper in front of me.  This makes me feel like I have made room in my head and I'm not taking this stuff with me throughout the day. If it is a morning I am not feeling particuarly chipper I  can get my thoughts and feeling out on paper and see what may be affecting my serenity staring back at me. When I see this I can then work on solutions to bring back balance.  Sometimes I get creative ideas first thing in the morning and I include these in my journal time.  Anything can come out.  Just write.

I always think of what Julia Cameron of The Artists Way suggests when she talks about her morning pages exercise.  She suggests that even if you can't think of anything to write for three pages then just write, "I don't know what to write" over and over until something else comes forward to write about.  I have used that tip especially when I am going through a morning pages phase.

 Morning pages is a practice of getting up and writing three pages front and back of whatever comes out of your head first thing in the morning.  Front and back.  Three pages.  I actually wrote a report about morning pages in college and spoke about the benefits of morning pages in my public speaking class.  Can you tell I am an advocate of journaling yet?

If there is a certain area of my life I am working on I always keep a journal about it.  Always.  This is how I can reference back to awareness's that I have made and work on what I need to do.  I can look over progress I have made or where I may be stuck.  I can gain deeper insight into my inner world by just bringing my feelings onto paper.  It is so relieving.

In addition to daily writing I have kept journals for:

1.  Body cleanses

2.  40-90-120 Day Yoga sadhanas

3.  Artwork

4.  Affirmation work

5.  Creative Recovery

6.  Food Sensitivities

7.  Grief Work

8.  Inner Child Work

and more.


In past Recovery Rising series I have facilitated I suggested students bring journals to class.  This was so they would have something on hand to write down their thoughts, ideas, insights, rants, or whatever else arose.  I also suggested that they continue a journal practice outside of class also.  This was merely a suggestion.

This time around I am not suggesting it I am making it an integral part of the program because I know it is an supportive, effective, powerful tool for someone on a self-healing path.  I am starting a new series this coming weekend and one of the requirements for the students will be to bring in a journal that they will use for their six-week journey.  I am giving them ample time to go out and let their heart guide them to the appropriate notebook, journal, etc.

I am including photos down below of various journal suggestions.  During my heavy inner child therapy phase I kept going to the colorful, fun, spiral notebooks.  When I just needed a notebook to write affirmations in or track my food sensitivities I would get the really cheap $1.00- $1.99 notebooks.  Natalie Goldberg the author of Writing Down The Bones suggests having those cheapo spiral notebooks on hand as you never know when inspiration will strike or you run out of room in your regular journal. When I feel like being more artistic in my journaling I will get an sketch journal.  The kind with just the blank white sketch pages with the black cover.  I have been known to decorate the front of those with construction paper and make my own decorative cover.

The journal I am currently using I picked up on a whim at CVS or Walgreens.  I can't remember which place.  Those places all look the same to me.  I love my new journal.  The colors of the cover make me happy.  The lines and design of the pages within inspire me to want to write.  I also love that it has a pink ribbon book marker attached. Bonus!

The Recovery Rising students are going to be given questions as prompts to assist them in their journal experience and asked to maintain a daily journal practice throughout the six- weeks.

For anyone who has thought about starting a journaling practice I would say that there is a reason you thought about it, so have you started it?  Cool.  If not....well.... then why not?  What is your excuse?  Come on.  What is the first excuse that comes to your mind?  Really?

If it was either of the two excuses listed above then I suggest you read this blog again or put pen to paper and start writing out "I don't know what to write" over and over until you push through and other words begin to emerge.  Try it.  What do you have to lose?  What do you have to gain?

Get out there.  Find a fun notebook or fancy journal that inspires you!  Let your heart guide you.

Get to know yourself:)  Your inner world is waiting to come into the light.

Journal!


Blessings,

Kristianna

Sometimes Reality Does Bite But There is One Thing That Can Help...

Self-Honesty

Change cannot truly take place without it

Recovery cannot happen without it

It is a simple action

It is a life changing action

It is scary

It is relief

It is liberating

Makes one breath deeper

It can really suck

Reality bites

Again

Change cannot take place without it

It requires one to take responsibility

For their actions

For their life

Facing ones truth

Just one truth about self

Can change ones life

No more hiding

No more pretending

No more wasted energy

Self-Honesty

Gets you on your knees

Breaks down walls

It can open doors

To new worlds and possibilites

Its scary

Its exciting

Its simple

Yet

One

Of

The

Hardest

Things

To Do

Getting honest with your self

Have you done it lately?

Just one thing?

One

itsy

bitsy

teeny weeny

tiny

thing

you have

not been facing

about

YOU.


Well, it is none of my business anyway if you have or have not been facing anything.  I just write this stuff as it comes through:)  However,  in the process of writing the above I felt myself pushing down something that has been trying to come to the surface for me to look at for the past week or so.  So the above really does speak some truth.  Crap.  Now that I wrote it I can't ignore whats coming up.  I can.  I always have a choice.  Denial really sucks though.  Ha.  Time for me to go journal.......

My 12 Step Journey: Leaving The Only Thing That Saved My Life..WTF?

I will be involving more 12 step wisdom along with personal experience, strength, and hope into my blogs as the days go on.  The following is a very censored and abridged version of what led me into the rooms of a 12 step program.  I save the unabridged version for my birthday meeting share and if I ever go into hospitals or institutions to share my story.  It is an important story-ever changing as the years go by.  There was a small point in time when I convinced myself that I no longer wanted to be identified or associated with "my story." I felt it had become my only identity and it was holding me to the past when I wanted to move forward.  The thing is the as I moved further away from my story I was moving away from where I came from.  I was moving away from the reality of what my life had become and the progress I had made to move out of the mess.  The more I moved away from "my story" the more I moved away from needing, the program. Today I know I don't have to be my story. I just have to observe, honor, and learn from it.

These past couple of years have been a serious roller coaster ride of ups and downs.  I have been deep into trauma recovery, self-esteem, self-love, and disordered eating recovery.  There is, however, one area of recovery that I had not been tending too.  An area of recovery that is the most important because this was the recovery program that saved my life and started it all.  That is the 12 step based recovery program of Narcotics Anonymous.

I do not make it a secret that I am in recovery.  It is such an integral part of my life that to hide it or try to separate myself from it is like hiding a part of who I am.  If I am hiding it I am not living my truth.  Now that is just for me.  I know other people are not as open to share as I am and that is perfect for who they are.

THE SUMMER OF "NOT SO HAPPY HOURS" AND HURRICANE KATRINA

I entered into the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous in the summer of 2005.   I first heard of this 12 step program through someone I met at my first job after moving back to TN.  I do believe the meeting of this person was orchestrated by my higher power.  This person literally stepped in front of me as I was walking in to my first day of on the job training.  He introduced himself and for the next week or so would not leave me alone until I would be his friend.  I finally gave in and when we started talking I soon realized we were the same kind of, "out there." 

In our time together he noticed certain behaviors I was exhibiting and different substances I was taking.  One day he and his girlfriend very gently told me about a program called Narcotics Anonymous, a 12 step based recovery program.  They didn't preach or try to get me to go. They just shared the message.  They planted a seed.  When they shared with me about this program I could not imagine going because I was in no way a druggie.  Nope. Not me.  So time went by and with it lots of money and lots of failed attempts at stopping what I was using.  Along with the inability to control my drug use my actions and behaviors were constantly causing trouble to myself and people around me.  I was getting into one painful, dangerous, and ridiculous situation after another and surrounding myself with nothing but people and environments that would enable my actions.

I realized one day that I really did have a problem.  I did not realize that problem was truly, "me."

When the pain of my life  finally got to great to bear and I had nobody around me that understood what was going on with me I got on my computer and looked up Narcotic Anonymous meetings in Nashville.  I picked one that was sort of close to where I lived and in the daytime.  Not knowing what I was walking into or what on earth this was about I still found the courage to go. I made my way to a noon meeting in a basement of a church.  I sat down and did something I hadn't done in a while, I just listened.

 I honestly don't remember much about those first meetings.  The only things that stand out that I remember are:  I would go, I would leave,  I would go the bar and other things,  I would have regrets, and I would show back up to another meeting.  This went on for a couple of months.  The best thing I did the second half of the summer of 05' was continue to show up to meetings no matter if I had used or not.  If I used I just sat in the meeting, kept quiet, and listened.  Eventually after going to enough meetings and listening to many people share similar feelings as I had as well as  similar past experiences that I had gone through a little something called hope was creeping in to my body.  

After a whole summer of mixing NA with using and reaching a bottom with drugs and relationships that had stripped every ounce of self-esteem and self-worth from me I gave in completely to the program.  On September 1st, 2005 using the strength and hope of the group I picked up a white key tag symbolizing I would try this way of life. "Just For Today."

It was the greatest act of self-love I could do for myself.

The first year I worked the program my life began to change.  I started to gain small shreds of self-esteem and self-respect.  I was also gaining an greater awareness of all the havoc I had wreaked in my life and the lives of others for so long.  I was slowly being taught a new way to live.  I was being taught how to take responsibility for my actions.  I was learning about my assetts as well as my defects.  I was learning how to value myself and others. I was learning how to be honest with myself and others.  I was learning about having an open mind and the willingness needed to make a change.  I was learning how to grow up. 

I cannot speak for other 12 step programs as Narcotics Anonymous is the only one I have experience with.  There is much more to addiction recovery than just putting down the drug of choice.  NA  is a program that teaches about the disease of addiction and the patterns that are associated with it including but not limited to chronic self-centeredness, obsessive and compulsive behaviors, isolation, and a lack of self-acceptance . There is also dealing with how addiction shifts into other areas.  Once I put down my drug of choice I noticed that I would start acting out in other ways-nicotine, food, caffeine, men, etc.   Narcotics does teach about addiction but it is more focused about the nature of recovery.

Narcotics anonymous brings together people from all walks of life.  People who in everyday life may never have crossed paths or would have even thought about associating  with another because of their different  economic status's, career choices, or neighborhoods.  The disease of addiction does not give two shits if you have a white collar or blue collar job, you live in an affluent neighborhood or the projects, or make six figures a year.  It wants to isolate you, bring you down, and eventually kill you.  Being around other people who understand what this "disease" does is important part of recovery.

DID YOU JUST READ ALL OF THAT?

Yeah.  I did.  I did because I needed too.  Why?  My happy ass got away from the reality of my disease and the community that knew and understood the best what it does and how it can take one down.   

As I got more time clean I started exploring different self-help paths  I also re-discovered a practice from my past called, Kundalini Yoga.  I am not going to go into details of what happened over the  years that I was not active in the program.  At least not in this blog post.  I will say everything was for a reason and it was to assist me in getting to roots of my core issues.

Between years two and three of being in the NA I started to slowly drift away from the program.  I was getting more involved with Kundalini Yoga and in the metaphysical community.  Instead of surrounding myself with people whom I shared this thing called, addiction, with I started surrounding myself with other people who didn't drink or take substances.  They may not have used specific substances, but they also didn't really understand the nature of addiction.  

After spending some time in this other community I started to hear things said to me like, "I don't see you as an addict.  If you keep yourself in that state of repeating, I am an addict, you are always going to stay in that energy.  You have evolved out of that state of being an addict.  Why do you want to be around those people?"  There is more that I kept feeding into but I have already shared the main ones.

What I want to say to these people,whom I know according to their beliefs meant well,  is please please PLEASE research what is all involved with the disease of addiction and the nature of recovery.  I know  personally the word dis-ease had turned me off a number of times which in turn lead me to much denial that I actually had a "disease of addiction." The truth is it does cause a dis-ease of the mind, body, soul, and spirit.  I want to say to these people that before you start judging and making assumptions look into what all in involved in the program.  The workbooks, the community, the sharing, the overall support, the education.  Putting the drugs down is only the beginning.

Part of me wanted to believe what my friends were saying and another part of me knew the importance of the program.  I was living in conflict about being in the program for a long time.  Another part of me is starting to believe it was just what that disease needed to isolate me.  I didn't want to have to call myself an addict or keep repeating it all the time.  I do believe when you keep repeating something you create your reality based on those words...especially if they follow the words, I AM.   I will come to the truth about this the more I work through the program.  As for saying, "I am an addict" everyday I have come to the acceptance of saying, "I am a recovering addict" because that is what I am right now.  I am recovering and that is the truth.  That works for me.

 I  do know I wasn't facing the reality of what truly worked for me in the past.  I was fighting it.  I wouldn't surrender.  I wanted to believe I had healed myself of addiction.  I wanted to believe I could handle life without having to check in and share with a group all the time.  The more I wanted to believe in what others around me were saying the more it created a distance within me from the very program that saved me.   

I don't want to write to much more about this at this time.  There is much I will work out and discover while "working the steps."  I don't know what I finally did that caused the walls of denial to crumble and for me to gain the courage to go back to the rooms and start reconnecting.   Well. Yes. I do.  That is another blog. 

I am thankful that I did not have a relapse on my drug of choice in the time I was gone.  I guess I was to busy tending to other areas that needed healing.  I had created and was teaching a life recovery program called, Recovery Rising.  It is not a 12 step based program, but, it is based on the other areas of recovery I have had years of experience working on.  Having had that program in my life greatly contributed to keeping me clean and it was beautiful service work....it still is.  

The one thing I can say for certain is even though I have clean time I don't have the "12 step recovery."  There definitely is a difference in just being clean and living the 12 step recovery.  I still have my clean time and on October 1st I will have seven years clean.  If you paid attention you will notice its now October and not September....but that is another story:)

I am excited to be reconnected to the program and not just in the shadows.  It has been strange to have to share with others what has been going on and admit I haven't been a part of.   It's hard  being back, but listening to all the experience, strength and hope once again has been giving me encouragement.  It is inspiring to see what working a program does for people-how it changes them for the best.

Something is so different this time for me and I am not questioning it.   I am just embracing it.  I truly believe that I had to tend to the other areas of recovery in my life in order to continue with this program.  I feel like I am home again and this is exactly where I am supposed to be.  I feel the conflict disappearing and sanity coming back. 

My name is Kristianna and I am a recovering addict.

Just For Today:  I surrender.

Making Rest A Priority And Sending Guilt Back To Bed! Why Is It So Difficult To Rest?

"What Guilt Looks Like"

I feel like shit.  I wasn't going to bother writing a blog because really, what is the point?  I could wait until next week or whenever.  It is not like it is a paying job or I have some huge audience drooling in anticipation for when I am going to share about my issues or observations of craziness or whatever.

I feel like shit physically. It takes everything for me right now move.  What is affecting me physically is also affecting me mentally.  There was just something in that walked over to the computer, sat me down and said, "Just type.  Keep attending to this blog.  You enjoy doing this.  You know it is therapeutic for you."  In which I responded in my best cranky inner head voice, "Whatever!"

 I am fighting myself right now. I am fighting with myself to rest.  My body is going through alot right now with cleansing, healing, and re balancing itself.  It has been adapting to a whole new way of existing without many foods and stimulants it has been used too.  It has been working with the help of herbal supplements to tend to the Candida I was diagnosed with, and it is also dealing with another issue I don't feel like sharing about.   It is at a time when it is doing its thing and its thing is requiring alot of energy.  While it is doing its thing it making me feel tired and lethargic and cranky.

I don't want to freaking rest.  I feel guilty.  Why do I have to feel guilty about laying my not- so- happy ass down for some time and resting!?  I mean rest is the loving, caring, move to make for myself.  That is tending to my needs.  Yes.  I am going to rest.  I just wish I could do it with a peace in my mind.

I know I am not the only one who fights them self to just sit the hell down and rest when exhausted.  I have heard it come out the mouths of people around me and seen numerous Facebook status updates sharing it.

So freaking what if I am laying down in the middle of the day?  So what if certain things don't get to tended to according to when I planned them too.   I know I don't have children so I don't have that piece to add to my guilt.  That would be a big one.  I would have to get advice from other Mamas and ask for help.

It is guilt.  That is the emotion.  Guilt.  Because of course I always have to know what the dominant emotion is creating this unrest.  Guilt.

That is fucked up that as a human I have to feel guilty about taking care of my own needs. Yes.  I said, "Fucked Up."

I am not going to go into my own private locker that is in my head that holds all the reasons why I feel guilty.  I know what they are and I am fully aware of them.  I have dragged them out of that locker, sat them down,  shined a mag light on them, pointed my finger and said, "Thank you for your driving force and your concern about everything and everybody else but seriously.... ENOUGH!!!  I do not need your services today.  Go back to your locker, pull a blanket over you, and go to sleep.  Shut down.  You are not needed in any way today."

Today I am giving myself permission to rest.  I am giving myself permission all weekend to rest.  I don't need a doctors excuse to tell me the prescription for what is ailing me is rest.  I can save the money.  My body is healing itself and it can't do it while my energy is being used in other places.

If anyone else has a problem with it then I don't know what to say.  Nobody really does that is just the crazies in my head doing their 90's slam dance of self-centered thinking on me.  If anyone did think anything of it then that is shit they have to look at in themselves.

I am taking care of me.  If I don't how they heck can I be good to care of anything or anyone else?

This countries work ethic and lack of teaching people about self-love and self-values has really fucked up peoples heads and priorities.  It is no wonder there is an overwhelming sense of guilt that comes to people when they think of just taking time to rest.  "Rest?  No.  That makes me weak. There is something wrong!  I am not being of value to everyone then?  Rest?  If I rest then I may have scary things happen to me like, feeling better, feeling peace, rejuvenated, or even forbid something I have not wanted to face or think about may creep up. Can't have that happen!  Rest?  Can't do it.  I would feel guilty.  That is for weak people.  I can't ask anyone to help.  Again, that is weakness.  I can pull my weight.  I can do it all.  The devil will make its way into my world  if I am idle....Ha!  That's a good one.  Gotta love the Puritan values that still resonate in our DNA.

Today the best thing I can do for my recovery and my health is rest.  Spend some time in the sun.  Do not do any physical activities.  Not even dancing.  No I am not dancing through this today.  I don't want to hear it.  I will sit down and meditate.  I will journal. I will go to a meeting.  If guilt gets up from its nap I will send it back to bed.  My self-love act for today is declaring this and making this weekend a weekend of rest!

That is all.  Thanks for listening.

"What Self-Love Looks Like"

21 Reminders To Myself of What A Friend Is And Learning How To Be One.

"Life is Relationship and the best form of relationship is friendship."-Sri Bhagavan

"Do I want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future?"-Deepak Chopra

I was time traveling in my head today and thinking about the different types of friendships I have had in my life up until now.  It is hard for me to remember before age 9 what my friendships were like. I do remember the early relationship between my sister and I.  It certainly wasn't one of sisterly love.  In fact I did not really have any model of what it was like to have a close relationship with another girl.  I had no point of reference for when I entered into school and was learning how to form friendships with girls.   That kind of love and affection was not demonstrated in my family.

 I do remember from age 10 and forward most of my friendships.  I never really thought about them until recently.  That is because of my growing awareness of the kinds of friendships I want to have in my life now compared to the kind of relationships I have allowed in my past.

I was surprised about the common thread that ran through the friendships I had growing up.  Many girls that I considered my friends I actually allowed to treat me in a way that was not very kind or respectful.  The thing is the reason I allowed the girls I called friends to continue treating me in the way they did was because I didn't teach them how to treat me.  Nobody taught me.  I honestly thought it was just how life was.

When I was a young girl my Dad would joke around and poke fun at me alot.  I later realized this was about the only way he was able to communicate affection to me.  I thought being treated like that was just normal.  When I was in school I seemed to always be made fun of for one thing or another.  From my name to my hair, my teeth, the way I dressed and other things.  Once again, I thought that was normal.

The friends I had changed through elementary school, middle school, and high school.  The thing that I remember the most about those early school relationships was that I never knew when one of the girls I called my best friend was going to turn on me, stop talking to me, and/or turn our other friends against me.  I even remember one time on my birthday I asked this same girl  to please not pick on me that day or to stop talking to me because it was my birthday.  How messed up is that?

 I wanted friends.  So I accepted it.  Somehow it was how I thought life and friendship was suppose to be.  Make fun of Kristy.  She can take it.  Its just part of the fun.  I just continued being friends and playing the game.  It is not like my whole school experience was tragic.  I did have fun hanging out with the few girls I considered my friends.  I just didn't realize how much I let myself be teased by them or how much I teased back.  I had one best friend in high school.  I was grateful for that friendship.  I loved her and still do.

As I grew up and entered college I created new relationships with new women.  I love these women to this day, but I have to say even in those relationships I allowed myself to be treated in ways that were not respectful and to be fair I know I wasn't respectful towards them at times too.  Have you caught on to the fact that I had no clue about the meaning of values, self-respect, self-worth, or any sense of self-esteem!  I wasn't introduced to those terms until I was in my mid 20's.

I also went along with the behavior of a particular friend through out the years that had hurt me cell deep.  I just lived with the fact that I never received apologies for the hurts I received from them even after sharing my feelings of sadness and taking responsibility for the parts I played.  I simply still continued to be friends.  Even after time passed and we hadn't seen one another  I went back to this person hoping it would be different. Once again I allowed myself to not be valued and treated with the care that I now know should come with the covenant of a friendship.  I know more will be revealed about this one:)

Over the past month I have been doing some deep physical healing, participating in a 21 Day Meditation for Miraculous Relationships, and I have returned to the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous.  The combination of those three things have created an enormous shift in me in regards to the importance of relationships, especially with women.  The physical healing has taken me into a deeper relationship with my body.  The meditation challenge has created an awareness in me of how I want to be treated in relationships, and how I need to treat others in relationships.  It has opened my awareness to the running theme of my past relationships with women and the current state of relationships I have with other women.  The women in the rooms of NA are modeling the respectful ways of communicating with one another and I am paying attention.

One of the journal assignments in the 21 Day Meditation Challenge with Deepak Chopra was to make a list of the qualities I wanted in relationships.  I chose to focus on friendships.  Of course he then reminded me that all of those qualities needed to be cultivated in myself first and I also needed to go out in the world and demonstrate those qualities to others.

I am a beautiful person inside and out.  I am loved and lovable.  I have much love to offer in a friendship.  I am fiercely loyal and when I connect I connect deep.  I am shy and stand offish at first but to those who bare with me and give me a chance I soon open up and start talking.  Today I can say that I deserve relationships that are nurturing, kind, supportive, trusting, fun, and caring.  I don't have to accept a mediocre friendship just for the sake of having a friend in my life.  Those people are called acquaintances.

I know I have to work on how to be a friend too.  There are some areas of friendship that I fall short in.  The biggest one is calling back in a timely manner.  That has bitten me in the ass many times.  I am really aware and working on it.  I am also aware that I have not allowed myself to open up to someone I currently call a friend simply because I  have been afraid of what she would think of me if she got to really know me.  How can I expect someone to trust in me enough to share about their life issues if I am not willing to take my mask off and do so.  This is something else I am tending too.

I am not a perfect friend by any means.  I have alot to learn still and some more fears to move through, my self-esteem is not at 100%.  Today I want to have meaningful, respectful relationships in my life and I know those take work.  I am willing.

The following is a list I have created to remind myself of what friendship is to me:

1.  A friend does not make fun of me.  Doing so in any way would be like making fun of a six year little because in reality that is who is being hurt-my inner child.

2.  Friends share life events with one another both the ups and the downs.

3.  A friend makes time to see you in person even if they live in the same city.  If they care about you as a friend there is always a way to visit.

4.  Friends invite one another out to do things whether it be over a cup of tea, going to a movie, getting nails done, or just walking in the park.

5.  A friend is someone who is happy to be there by your side sharing in special occasions such as  weddings, graduations, baby showers, and other milestone life events.

6.  Friends value spending time together.

7.  A friend is someone who calls just say, "How are you today?"

8.  A friend is someone who calls the other out on their bullshit because they love them.

9.  A friend is someone you can sit with in quiet moments of comfortable silence together and not feel awkward.

10.  A friend is someone who will cradle you in their arms and let you break down in tears while they they rub your back and you soak their shirt in snot.

11.  A friend is someone who will be by your side when someone else has done you wrong.

12. A friend will just listen.

13.  A friend will give advice and be okay if you don't follow it.

14.  A friend will be there for you during heartaches, break -ups, and listen to your nightmare date stories.

15.  A friend may or may not say, "I told you so if you did not follow # 13.

16.  A friend is someone that is an awesome road trip companion.

17.  A friend will sooth you and calm you down behind a dumpster of a rock club because you drank to much and were convinced you were channeling the ghost of Jim Morrison.

18.  A friend will share a bed with you and be kind enough to let you know if she she is gassy.

19.  A friend believes in you no matter what and is your biggest cheerleader.

20. A true friend will be by your side no matter what changes you through.

21.  A beautiful friendship is when you do not see each other for years and when you finally do the relationship simply continues as if no time has passed.


In order to have friends and friendships like the ones I described in the above list I have to continue to nurture the relationship with myself.  I can even give to myself some of the experiences I described above.  It is about building trust with myself.



Some Ways I Am A Friend To Myself First:


1.  I  take the time to listen to my needs and feelings and tend to them.  I write them down if need be.

2.  I make sure I spend time with myself, and do things alone like taking myself to the park, out to eat, or to a movie.

3.   When I am sad or lonely or just depressed I make sure not to do something to numb or try to escape from myself.  I accept and embrace the feelings.  Sad times are the times to prove to myself that I can be there for me and not abandon myself.  I stop, take a deep breath, close my eyes, let the tears fall, and  I embrace myself until I fall asleep.  If I do need to call someone then I will.  Then I will fall asleep:)

4.  I now know that I have the right to stand up for myself and teach others how I want to be treated.

5.  I  take the time to check in with myself and just ask, "How are you today?" I then listen...really listen in the quiet comfortable moments.  Just with myself.

6.  I remind myself of my values and make choices according to them.  When I don't do this I get into crazy situations and experiences.

7.  I don't have to hold onto relationships that are no longer mutually respectable just for the sake of keeping a friend.  I am practicing self- respect, self-worth, and honoring my self by letting it go.  That way I can make room for the types of relationships that I am calling in.  I can make the choice of either gently releasing the person out of my life or just shifting their role  from "friend" to "aquaintance" status.


As the friendship with myself grows then the world around me will reflect that back.  It already is.  I already have evidence of it:)  Relationships are the root of prosperity.  More valuable than money.

Just For Today:  "I will value, respect, love, and honor myself. I will do the same for the relationships in my life. I will be grateful for the friends I have. I will take an active part in my friendships."

One Foot In The Past- The Other In The Future-Pissing On The Present or Try This...

"If you have your full attention in the moment, you will see only love." -Deepak Chopra

After my blog post from yesterday I figured it would be nice to keep this one a bit lighter in the subject matter.

I simply want to share a cool experience I had the other evening.  It was very brief yet incredibly powerful.  It was like a yoga class in the seat of my car. I also want to say it felt like something I would have read about in Eckhart Tolle's book, "The Power Of Now."  I can't be sure.  The last time I picked up that book was in 2003.  I think I read one chapter and part of me is still suspended in 2003 trying to comprehend what the hell he was talking about.  I mean I am fairly certain I felt the power of now and I didn't need to read a whole book to understand it.

Anyways, here is the set up:

My hub and I were driving back from watching a movie the other night.  It was actually a really funny movie.  Funny in the way that I would be mortified if I went and watched it with my parents.  As we were driving along I felt my muscles start to relax from soaking in the soothing motion of the car.  I remember noticing and really appreciating the temperature outside and how nice it felt on my skin.  As I continued to melt into the passenger seat I had a flash back of a yoga and meditation workshop I had attended the previous Sunday at The Ivy House in Nashville.  I could see my teacher, Corrine, and just for a moment I heard her say the Deepak Chopra quote she repeats often, "If you have your full attention in the moment, you will only see love."

For some reason I decided to give it a go and find out about that moment.  Would I really see love?  With my eyes closed I began following my breath so I could make a conscious connection to my body- especially my heart.  I kept focusing on my inhalation, my exhalation, and the beat of my heart.  I then set an intention to not allow any thoughts to surface about my past or my future.  I just wanted to be completely present in the moment.  So I did just that.  Warm breeze on my skin, humming of the motor, my hubby peacefully holding the steering wheel.  I breathed.  I felt it.  What came next literally only lasted for a few moments because that is all I could do to keep myself completely present.  

In those few precious moments I felt peace.  In that small space of time there was no need to worry.  I knew everything that I needed in life was contained in that moment and there was nothing that I was lacking. I was present.  I had food in my belly, a car taking me to a house with a warm bed, a loving husband. My breath was giving me life and allowing me to experience this.  There was nothing I needed to be, buy, regret, or anticipate.  I had my breath, peace, acceptance, and love.  I was content.  I had everything.  And then........POOF! 

It was fleeting. In those few moments "the observer" part of me was also present.  I could feel a crazy energy bouncing around in my head.  It was unbelievable.  It was like I was feeling the amount of energy that is used on a daily basis to fuel the racing thoughts in my head of the past and future.  Even though I did not allow  thoughts of the past or future enter my consciousness I could still feel their energy.  Bouncing. Flitting. Fighting. Trying to be noticed. Wanting to be acknowledged.  All I could think of when I came back into my head and allowed the thoughts to flood forth once again was, "OMG, how freaking exhausting!"   

Then I observed my thoughts as we continued to drive home.  Yep.  The subject matter of my thoughts would bounce from images of my past to thoughts and fears about my future.  I was not living in the present at all.  I was not appreciating or trusting that all that I had in the moment was all I needed.  No. Something in quietly whispered, "more."  Be more.  Do more. Prove more.  Buy More.  You need more.  Then life will be okay. The rest of the ride home I observed how my mind was living in two different time periods.  It took way to much effort to keep myself in the present.  Way to much.  It  really is quite exhausting to live in two different time periods. 

Man I know some of this may sound cheesy and airy fairy.  I am just saying it is not a secret that most of us have one foot in the past and one foot in the future and basically end up pissing on the present or a kinder way to say that would be, missing the present.

All I am saying is if you happen to be reading this and sometime today you want check out the gifts of your "present moment"  go for it. Do what I did above or whatever works for you to start shifting out of your head and connecting consciously to your body and heart.  Following the breath is what I always recommend.  See what happens for you.  Intend not to allow any thoughts from the past of future enter. Stay present to what is in the moment.  Connect to gratitude. Those past and present thoughts may still be there playing around in your head.  Wanting to be noticed.  You may feel them as energy in your head but by staying connected to your breath and body you don't have let them affect you.  Just for a few moments.   Allow the observer part of you to be present and notice how your brain feels.  

Is there a racing energy in it?  

Are you able to stay completely present to everything that is contained in those moments? 

Are you able to feel appreciation and gratitude?

What does it feel like to not be wondering about the past or future?

Can you receive the present/the gift that is being offered in the moments?   

How long can you sustain before the thoughts come rushing forth?

Give it a go....see what happens.  All you will miss out on is a few moments of head clutter. It will be there when you come back.  You may even come back with a little less clutter and a bit more peace.  Who knows!?

Will you see only love in the moment?  I did.  It was in the form of gratitude and contentment.  

Oh, and if you do decide to embrace your moment I would love to know what you experienced. Seriously.  Be airy fairy.  Go for it.  Its fun.  Please post your comments in the section down below and not on the Facebook comments.  I'd like to start building the comments within the blog.  Thanks!

Medicine for out of control time travel and racing thoughts:

Breathing, Meditation and/or Dancing.  Seriously.  For some dance is  their meditation.    They all work.