Self-Worth Awareness: Ask Yourself The Following Question...

What is your motivation?

This question, this simple little question, has had an incredible impact on my self-worth awareness.  Yes.  It is simple.  Yet incredibly powerful.  "What is my motivation?"

My ego does not enjoy when I ask myself this question. 

What is my motivation when I am in a heated discussion with another person?  

What is my motivation when I am judging somebody? 

What is my motivation when I share information, comments, status updates, and pics on Facebook?

What is my motivation behind clinging to certain "titles, roles, jobs, etc?"

What is my motivation behind sharing what I do in blog posts?

What is my motivation when I stay busy all the time and won't allow myself to rest?

I could go on but I will stop with just these questions. When I ask these questions I have a quick awareness of just where my sense of worth is tied up.  If I am judging somebody then I am  not feeling good enough about myself in some area.  If I start to panic at the thought of not being at a certain job or carrying a "title" or "playing" a life role then I can tell what my self-worth is based on.  If I find myself staying busy all the time and not resting then I am telling myself my needs are not worth anything.  I am not worthy of self-care.  My do-ing is what makes me worthy.

I ask myself sometimes why do I share on Facebook?  Am I basing my worth on how people respond to me, see me, or the "illusion"of me I create.  Is there a part of me that needs to be heard and seen to feel worth anything?  Or is it because I just enjoy posting updates and sharing information with others?

Let me say that I do not create an illusion. I am quite honest and forward about what I share.  The "illusion" is that every pic I post is me happy and having a good time.  That is only a part of my life.  There is another part that isn't always like that.

I enjoy sharing through social media including blog posts.  I have accepted this and as long as I keep asking myself, "What is my motivation?" I keep myself in check:)  I have started asking myself this question and since I have it has stopped me from many judgemental remarks and posts, arguments, lack of self-care moments, and painful awareness of how quickly I can get my worth tied up in a role or do-ing.  

If you can relate to any of the questions above then I invite you to ask yourself one or two of them.  What are your initial reactions?  What physical sensations happen in your body?  What are your first thoughts?  Just notice.  Cultivate Awareness.


"We are taught in this society to look outside to define ourselves and give us a feeling of worth,  We have worth if we are better than others.  We are validated in comparison to others, for being smarter, richer than, prettier, more talented, etc.  This empowers the illusion of separation and feeds the fear of not being good enough."

"True Self-Worth does not come from comparing to or judging others but going within and awakening to the connection of others.  When we look within and define our own truths we can celebrate the differences of each other instead of judging from fear."

"True self-worth comes from accessing your internal truth within-that state of grace which is your true being.  Only you can define your truth NOT the media, your employers, friends, family, only you!"

"Anyone who feels they have to be productive to feel good about themselves will feel like a victim
when not productive."

Self-Criticism to Self-Acceptance. Change Your Words. Change Your World. Change The World.

"Neuropeptides are chemical messengers that travel throughout the body whenever we think a thought or speak a word. When are thoughts are angry, judgemental, or critical, the chemicals they produce depress our immune system. When thoughts are loving, empowering, and positive the messengers carry chemicals to enhance the immune system, The communication between the mind and body never sleeps. Your mind is constantly relaying your thoughts to cells in your body." -Louise Hay ,Empowering Women: Every Woman's Guide To Successful Living.

Something amazing happened to me this past Sunday morning.  I experienced a magical moment in which I could see and feel the universe celebrating and dancing with me.  I am not kidding.  It was in this magical moment that for the first time in my life I allowed myself to acknowledge I have a gift.  Yes. I know my very existence is a gift.  I get that.  The gift I am speaking of is a "talent."  Something I do well and can share with others.

This moment came when I was in the shower.  I had put the finishing touches on a class I was to teach just hours later.  I had spent Friday and a good part of Saturday evening restructuring the format of this class that I had taught back in 2011.  While I was in the shower I kept running the outline of the class through my head and visualizing the flow of events.  As I was watching it play out from beginning to end I was quite taken back by the changes I had made. In the next moment a mixture of confidence and excitement washed over me.  It was as if someone else took over my body for a moment.  I felt my mouth open and out came the words,  "Oh my God, I really do have a gift for designing workshops!  Hello, look how many amazing two and three hour workshops you have created.  Some of the best ones you have taught were put together in one night.  Not only that you are darn good at facilitating and sharing these teachings!"

What happened after that moment was just as magical. You may not believe what I say, but, that is okay I know what I saw.  After I spoke those words I looked into around me and saw little flicks of light dancing around.  At first I was sure it was due to how I moved my eyes.  It is common to see flashes of light when the eyes move in a certain way.  No, it wasn't that.  After the flickers of light disappeared I tried to move my eyes exactly the same way and nothing happened.  Why do I share this?  I share it because I want to believe that when I acknowledged something positive about myself the whole universe danced including my energy field.

I have spent most of my life feeling less than.  I have had admiration for many women and men through out my lifetime.  Some for their talents, some for their confidence, some for their intelligence, and others for how amazingly authentic they live.  I have also lived much of my life playing the supporting role in other peoples dreams.   This was because for so long I had no confidence in manifesting my own dreams.  I had no clue that I had an inner hard drive (subconscious) that was running a software program (belief system/core issues) of "I don't matter and I am not good enough."  I literally spent years believing I had no talent and no gifts to offer the world.  I would continue to draw in people and situations to reinforce this core belief system. This included a soul crushing experience in my college theatre department days that to this day changed my relationship with acting.

Stating to the universe that I have a talent and really believing it is not normal for me.  Let me emphasize the "believing" part.  It has been difficult for me most of my life to accept compliments.  That is not uncommon for someone who has low self-esteem and low self-worth. It used to be hard to believe someone when they would compliment me on my writing, acting, pastel drawings, or even the rare times I would sing in public.

It has certainly gotten better over the past few years for me.  My self-esteem and self-worth has increased because I was fortunate enough to discover the root cause of my trauma.  I was also able to get crystal clear about my main core issues.  I eventually gave in and discovered ways to change the software (belief systems) that had been running my life.  Experiencing that "magical moment" of acknowledging my gift took a lot and I mean A LOT of work and dedication.

I know it was no accident I made those statements to the universe just hours before that particular class.  It was the class of the Recovery Rising series that affirmations and mirror work are introduced.

Yes, affirmations!

I'm sure some of you reading this will remember a little skit from Saturday Night Live starring Al Franken as Stuart Smalley.  He would sit in front of a full length mirror in a soft pastel yellow sweater and repeat affirmations to himself.  Uggh.  It was because of that skit that I did not want to even entertain the idea of "affirmation work."  Give me a break.

I look back now and can see I was only hurting myself and prolonging the pain within by not having an open mind and being willing to try something new.  I was judging something based on a comedy skit from 1991!   That is what inspired me to bring up the following questions before we moved into the affirmation part of last Sunday's class, " Why is it acceptable in our society to walk around being self-critical all the time?  Why is it easier to walk around speaking negative words to self than it is to walk around repeating positive loving words?"   My point is people get uncomfortable when it comes to self-love talk.  I know.  I have witnessed it and I have also been one of those people.  It makes me wonder what this world would be like if we all were comfortable with showering our ourselves with positive loving talk.

We all have the power to change.  The change has to come from within and it begins with the words we say to ourselves.  The new hair cut, new breasts, last 10 pounds, change of location, new girlfriend or boyfriend will only serve to distract you temporarily from how you feel within and patterns that may need to change.  We have the power  change our physical body.  We also have the power to change our thought patterns.

Louise L. Hay states in her book, "You Can Heal Your Life" that body problems, money problems, relationship problems, and lack of creative expression are all side effects of:  Not Loving The Self.  One of the first things she would have people do when they came to her for help was look in the mirror and say, "I love and accept you exactly as you are."  You can read in her book about how people reacted when going through that experience.  Not an easy thing to do.  Talk about powerful in the face feedback.

When I read the affirmation, "I love and accept you exactly as you are" part of me still snickers and sees Stuart Smalley.  After I get the snicker out I remind myself how strange it is not to flood myself with kind loving words.  When I first started this work I  had to begin with, "I am willing to love and accept myself."  That is how much I was resisting.

There are so many affirmations out there to choose from.  If you know your specific core issues/negative thought patterns you can create specific affirmations to shift them.  If you have a physical imbalance it is possible there is a negative thought pattern that assisted in creating it.  If you are interested in learning more about how negative thought patterns can contribute to physical dis-eases please read, "You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.

If you are new to affirmations and want one to start with I suggest starting with, "I Love and Accept Myself." It is the foundation of self-healing.  It will probably feel uncomfortable at first, but, isn't starting anything new?  If you have ever lifted weights with the intent of building muscle you may remember the first couple sessions.  You may have felt weak and perhaps a bit self-conscious. Your muscles may have felt sore and uncomfortable a day or two after the first workout.  You may not have seen bulging biceps right away,but, after a couple of months of dedicated sessions you started to see results.  If anyone out there does have a goal of developing bulging biceps be sure to check your  motivation behind building them.  If it is based on low-self worth then all your going to have is bulging biceps and low self-worth.  Think about how many years you have lived with negative thought patterns.  It will take time to shift into new ones, but, with discipline it can happen.

As for me I am still changing my inner world.  Some days are better than others.  I am having more days like last Sunday and it feels good.  I have three affirmations I am working with right now and clearly they are doing something right.  I write each one out 25 times before I go to bed.  If I am in an appropriate place to do so I may also sing them, dance them, and say them when looking into a mirror.  I also do something for myself to reinforce the affirmation.  When I was all about the love and accepting myself I would do something nice for myself such as take a relaxing bath and cuddle up in a blanket, or, I would take myself out on a date.  Yes.  All by myself on a date.   Heck, I still do those things.  Self-love never ends!

It is Valentine's Day week.   How about giving yourself the gift of no negative self-talk for a day!

As for me I am looking forward to more magical moments and perhaps one day facilitating an all day workshop!

All I have to do is the next right thing.......and be nice to myself!

Oh, and did I happen to mention the book, "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay?

Another favorite book I mention ALL the time is, "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die" by Karol Truman

Creative Recovery, Perfectionism, and Asking You To Witness My Soul Painting

Creativity Rising.....

In the last blog post I wrote, A Love Letter From My Soul,  I shared about how my soul held nothing back and basically told me to "cut the bullshit." It shared about how it wanted to experience life via this physical body.  My soul is a creative soul.  An artist.  It knows how it wants to express, but it is always locked down by me.  Once in a while I open a window and let it out, but then I shut it again.  Tight.  I feel my soul's sadness.  I have felt it for way too long.  Can a soul actually be sad?  I am not sure.  I do know when I don't listen to it I am sad.  This is why I am starting down this new path of my recovery journey.  My creative recovery.

I made the decision last week to sign up for a 5 week workshop at the local co-op art studio, Art and Soul. The series is called, The Heroes Journey.  Using movement, writing, visualizations, and theatrical play we will tap into the wellspring of our own creativity and consider life in archetypal terms based on the teachings of Joseph Campbell.  We are going to explore our own personal hero journey and learn to recognize mentors, threshold guardians, heralds, shape shifters, and tricksters in our life all while reflecting on the stages of refusing the call to adventure.  Awesome.  Sounds like a good combo of thought provoking teachings and creative activities.  Just what the "soul doctor" ordered.

I'm also connected to two great online resources for creative recovery.  I am choosing to immerse myself in the creative energy.  I think the combination of the in -person class and the online resources will be a great balance for me.  I do not do well just taking "online" courses.  I am an earth sign and need the grounding.  I need the in person support and accountability.

I would like to share one painting with you and ask you to be a witness.  It is the painting that "my soul" mentioned in my last blog.  It is very special to me because of the actual process I went through within myself while creating it.

One of my shadow parts is the "perfectionist."  This also relates to my first chakra and having to prove my self-worth.  It was while I was in trauma treatment that I learned the different sides to perfectionism.  The awareness I have gained about it has allowed me to accept this part of me and understand I have nothing to prove.  I was not the perfectionist in the way that everything around me had to be in its place and everything I put my mind to got done and was perfect.  No.  I used to be the perfectionist that was afraid to start anything new for fear of not doing it perfect right away.  I used to be the perfectionist that when I learned something new I would expect myself to get it right away. If I didn't I would put myself down and end up quitting.  I used to be the perfectionist that would go from 0-60 right away and push and push to make something happen exactly how I wanted it and would literally make myself sick doing it.  Just to prove my worth.  It would never be enough.

Then I entered treatment and everything changed.  I allowed myself to feel that nothing out "there" is going to give me worth.  My worth was established from just being born.  It is all within.

The following creative recovery assignment I know is not anything new.  In fact, I remember someone telling me about a course they took to move through their creative blocks and  fear of messing up that was similar to this.  This piece was created last August.  I documented the process for my own personal reflection.  I felt enough time had passed to share it.

Thank you for witnessing.


The Process:

This creative assignment was simply for me to go on a spirit walk in nature.  I was to say a prayer before going and ask for the items that wanted be included in my painting to present themselves.  The intention for the painting was to keep messing up.  When I was getting comfortable with how it was turning out I was to mess it up and create a new layer.  When I got comfortable again I was to take it outside and throw it on the ground and rub in the grass and create textures in it.  I was to keep layering the painting with texture and let go of any attachment or need for it to be perfect.

It was one of the most freeing, fun, soul connected to heaven summer afternoons I had spent in a long time.  I felt alive and whole inside and part of everything.  I am not kidding.  My soul was free and experiencing.  I would like to share that experience via the photos below.  There are paint brushes present in the first photo. The only time I used is a brush was to write words.  Everything else was me exploring through my hands and a washcloth.

My Supplies

Blank canvas and the flinging begins...

Finger Painting

"Fun with my hands and a washcloth"

"My soul starts to speak"

"No Attachments"

"Transforming"

"Layers"

"Completion....or is it?"

It was a fun experience.  I look forward to having many more as I allow my soul and inner child out to play.

I would like to share the full version of what I created for myself and look at everyday to remind myself:

Release Perfectionism

"There is nothing to prove.  Just relax and enjoy the simple moments of life.  Your worth was established just from being born.  There is nothing out there that will ever give you worth.  It is all within.  It is between you and the divine.  No more 0-60 to gain approval that will never seem enough.  Approve of yourself.  You are enough.  You Matter!!"

Let Go and Relax


Blessings,

Kristianna

Check out these two websites for creative sparkle:

http://leoniedawson.com   Leonie is a creative Goddess and pure magic!  Check out her Goddess Circle..

http://jamieridlerstudios.ca  Create sparkle in your life with Jamie!

A Love Letter From My Soul: Cut The Bullshit and Listen To My Call..

Intuitive Play time at Art and Soul last year.  My first piece..."My soul"

I just got schooled by my soul and it went something like this:

"Enough!  Cut the bullshit!  You know exactly what I am talking about. You can not  keep avoiding me.  I am your truth.  I am the way.  I am your key to the kingdom of heaven here on earth.  I have the answers to what will make you feel whole.  You have opened windows to me several times through out the past year.  Do you remember?  Do you remember the completeness you felt when you allowed yourself to express me through painting?  Do you remember that last painting you did?  I am  that painting.   Do you remember the first Oneness Blessing weekend you attended?  The aliveness and spiritual connection you felt when you allowed yourself to dance until you collapsed into a sweaty pile of tears and gratitude in front of the alter of all faiths.  How about the exquisite heart opening moments that happened when you allowed me to come through your singing?  Nothing else opens the lock of our heart and the door to heaven for us like singing.  Do you not remember the tears of joy that streamed down your face when you were able to play a full song on your guitar?  Why do you continue to deny the parts of you that make you whole and complete?

 The way you have been avoiding my call is by crawling into your head and escaping into yet another spiritual group, meditation technique, or new thought teaching class.  There is nothing wrong with any of those.  They serve you well.  They have been a beautiful part of your healing journey, but, there has to be a balance!  I just can't take listening and thinking about another new concept or way to ascend. You know what you need to do.  Take action.  I need to experience. That is why I am in your body!  The Picean age was about knowledge, thinking, knowing, coming from the head.  The Aquarian age is about experiencing and expressing from the heart and taking responsibility for yourself.  You know what you need to do.  You just don't do it.

Oh, and you need to keep dancing.  Do you remember what you"experienced" a couple weeks ago when I decided enough was enough?  I walked you right out of that spiritual meet up group and back home to dance.  I wanted to dance!!!!   That was the meditation I wanted to experience.  That was the prayer.  That was the connection to the divine that night.   I want to fully experience why I am here on this earth plane.  I need to create.  I need to express my self.  That is all you need to know.  This is what is next on your  path of "recovery."  Acknowledge your artistic soul.  Embrace me.  I have your answers.  Just go within and feel me.  That is right.  Don't think...feel.

I know this past year hasn't been easy.  You have been recovering from some life shattering experiences.  I know the reasons why you have been disconnected from this truth of yours for many   years.  It is okay.  All of the meditation, yoga, support groups, and new thought classes have assisted you to get to this place.  This is part of your rebirth.  This is part of your process of "returning to your original self."  Be gentle and kind to yourself.  If you don't listen to me though, I will take over and trust me it can be at any time:)!"


Infinite love,

Your Soul

Somewhere within me she resides.  I feel her...

This awareness has been permeating my being ever since that night I literally got up from the first part of that meet up group. In the first part of the meet up we tone on each chakra before we go into practicing breath of fire on each chakra.  I literally had to get up and leave after the toning because I felt frustrated and ill.  My friend is the facilitator so I knew she would understand.  I was really surprised by how frustrated I was.  I arrived home and immediately found myself up in my sanctuary that I affectionately call the "Pink Room."  The lights remained off and many candles were quickly lit.  I went to my computer and found my way to one of my favorite blogs.  It is one of my favorites because the author of the blog is living proof  that trauma can be healed and a return to ones artistic soul can happen.  She reclaimed a part of herself, that little girl, that was lost due to years of trauma, anxiety and depression. I often go to her blog because she reflects back to me what I feel lies deep within myself.

She reminds me of that little girl that is buried deep within.  The girl who used to wear tutu's, platform shoes, loved to act, danced in her front yard, danced in her back yard, went by a stage name through high school, expressed herself through clothes, and dreamed bigger dreams than the state of Pennsylvania could hold. I believe she reflects back the frozen parts of many people who are still in the process of "re-animating" themselves after experiencing the affects of trauma for many years.  She reflects hope.  In her 40's this woman reconnected to her love of dance, wearing tutu's, and overall sense of play.  She ended up opening her own women's only movement studio called, Girl on Fire Movement Studio. She teaches Kundalini Yoga, various types of dance classes, encourages women to reconnect to their " lost girl", accept and love their bodies, and just remember how to play.  If I lived there still I would be there as much as I could.  She re-animated herself.


I went to her website that night because she often posts videos of musical pieces and encourages her readers to, "Move to This."   I believe I scrolled through her whole blog playing every video she suggested.  My body could not get enough. It soaked up the dance like dehydrated skin soaks up lotion.    I was fully in my body, accepting and loving every part of it.

My soul was reminding me about how it is here to experience and the need for balance.  Yoga, meditation, classes, and groups are great, but a balance needs to take place.  I need to also feed my souls yearning to express its creative side.  I have been hiding and avoiding it.  I open the window to my soul for brief moments and a rainbow of color bursts out.  I am not used to the beauty and intensity so I quickly shut the window again.  When you live with emotional trauma the world tends to be in black and white.  As you heal colors start to appear again.  It may seem strange, but trauma survivors know what I am talking about.  The path of healing from trauma is like being in the movie Pleasantville.  The more healing that happens the more colorful and vibrant life becomes.  This is my new path of recovery.  What do I need to do to keep the windows of my soul open, and let it flourish. Let in flourish  in all its beautiful rainbow colors!

I encourage students in my Recovery Rising classes to connect to their "inner child" through pastels, drawing, and paint.  It really does take one back to the basics.  Back to an innocence and freedom that gets buried with each passing year of life circumstances.  I also encourage them to connect to their bodies through dance as a way to develop body awareness, self acceptance, and to feel a sense of being alive.  I also teach this because it teaches me.  I teach this so I can continue to recover. Yogi Bhajan said, " If you want to master something- teach it."  Yes.  That is exactly what I am doing.

Balance.  Awareness.  Surrender.  Acceptance.


My soul has spoken loud and clear?  Have you listened to yours lately?  Watch out!


Excuse me now..it is time for me to dance!


If you would like to check out the blog I talked about go to www.girlonfiredance.com. The "Girl on Fire" is Christine Claire Reed.  It is inspiring.

I Embraced My Dark Side And Changed My World

"Why do we find ourselves disproportionately angry with selfishness of a friend, the laziness of a co-worker, the arrogance of a family member-or even the rudeness of a stranger?  Why do the same old things get to us so easily, and so intensely?  Our "same old things, " are clues to our dark sides-and to the emotions and traits we fear most in ourselves."

-Debbie Ford,  The Dark Side of The Light Chasers

It has been a while since I have sat down and shared via this blog.  The past two months have been a non stop whirlwind adventure of assisting in opening up a brand new business (not mine), building my energy healing skills, promoting Recovery Rising, teaching yoga, and getting ready for the holidays.  Wwew.  December was a whirl.  December was also magical.  Magical in many ways....

There is one magical thing in particular that  happened in December that I would like to share about. It was a beautiful, painful, frustrating, healing, and liberating lesson I went through that lasted over the time span of the past two months.   A lesson I am grateful now to have been taught because for years It has been a teaching that I have carried with me only in an intellectual way.

Over the past couple of months I have had in my environment a very interesting person.  This person in many ways intrigued me  by the vast amount of knowledge they possessed about food, the government, so called "conspiracy theories", and a whole host of other topics that make me wonder how one person can contain so much information.  I was always entertained and eager to learn more from this person I will refer to as, "Lee."

I can say that in the many lifetimes I have lived within this lifetime and the people I have encountered in those lifetimes (and I have encountered some characters) I have never met anyone like, Lee.  I can truly say Lee has been one of my greatest teachers so far and I will share why.

Lee is quite talented and very efficient at what he does in a chaotic way.  Lee wants things done in a certain way and gets frustrated because they aren't at a level she is used too.  Lee tends to take her frustrations out by creating an environment of negativity around her. I will not go into detail of the different ways her negativity is expressed.  I choose not to relive the experience.  Let me just say the negativity ripples through the air and into the people that are standing close to him and has a negative effect on the mind and body.

I am a firm believer that what is in the environment around me is a reflection of what is going on within me.  I knew that I attracted Lee into my life based on something I needed to see, but for so long all I could see and feel was my annoyance and frustration towards him and the environment it was creating.

I was quite stunned that a person could act in the manner that she was acting.  I did not want to keep focusing on this persons shortcomings.  I knew that was not right.  I tried to find out my part in why he was acting like this or just understand the bigger picture that did not have to do with me.  When I found out things that I could do on my part to possibly improve the situation I did my best.  It didn't help.  I was quickly reminded I can't change anyone.  I can only change me.  What was it I not understanding?   Why did I manifest this situation?

Weeks of confusion and frustration went by. Then It Clicked.  The shift happened.......

I don't if it was the new Primordial Sound Meditation practice I had started or the many drops of Balance Dottera Essential Oil I applied to my skin that morning, but I had my awakening and shift in one beautiful moment a few weeks ago.  I was deep into my morning activity standing across from Lee.  My breathing was slow and deep so I could stay centered and make it through the time I had to spend around him.  I was still going about my business when suddenly I had the magic wand "bop me across the head moment" and finally, I GOT IT.

This person was reflecting back to me, my own NEGATIVITY!

Yes.  It was one of the aspects of my dark side I just was not owning.  I was not accepting.
 This disowned part of me was running everything in my life because I was not owning it.

In that moment my heart center opened and I automatically started sending love Lee's way.  I sent it because in that moment I was seeing through the eyes of my heart and what I saw was an embodiment of all the negativity that was within me.  I was sending love and accepting....me.

I also remembered that just a month prior I had done a 40 day meditation for the, Positive Mind.  This meditation included a mantra to balance out the negative mind.  Duh, it made so much sense now.  Months ago I had realized my negative mind had seemed to really taken the drivers seat in my life and I needed to do something about it.  After the 40 days of the meditation was over I got caught up in other life activities and I literally forgot I had practiced that meditation.  I had set the energies in motion to assist me in balancing the negativity within me.  I just forgot about it.  Ooops.

After that moment everything OUTSIDE of me changed.  I am not kidding.  It did. This persons actions no longer had any power over me.  The charge was gone.  In fact, in the days after that moment I noticed the whole environment started to change and Lee seemed different too.  When there was an expression of negativity it did not phase me.  I stayed centered and moved right on.  I would just send love.

I have been trying to get this lesson for years.  I first learned about finding the clues to my disowned dark side through people who would get under my skin from the book,  The Dark Side of The Light Chasers by Debbie Ford.  I have continued to learn about my shadow self through Kundalini Yoga teachings, Oneness Teachings, and various other people who clearly got this similar lesson and were kind enough to share their experience too.  I have always had an intellectual understanding of it, but, never have I had a profound experience with it such as this.

We truly can shift our own world around us by shifting what is within us.

The so called "dark sides" of us are part of the divine creation.  We cannot know light without dark.  That is the beauty of the human experience.  We are to embrace both.  How else can we learn how to love?


"We are here to learn from all these parts of ourselves and make peace with them.  To be truly authentic persons, we have to allow the aspects of ourselves that we love and accept coexist with all the aspects of ourselves we make wrong.  When we can lovingly hold all these traits together in one hand, without judgement, they will naturally integrate into our system.  Then we can take off our masks and trust the universe created each of us with a divine design.  The we can stand tall, embracing the world WITHIN."


-Debbie Ford,  The Dark Side of The Light Chasers


I thank Lee for playing the role of my teacher.

Now it is time to move on.

This time I am putting  a request in to the universe for a more gentle experience.......please!

I


http://www.spiritvoyage.com/blog/?p=18190

Here is a blog from Spirit Voyage talking about Overcoming the Negative Mind.  At the end of the blog is a video with the meditation I practiced for 40 Days.  You will have to forward through the video to the part when the meditation comes up. There is also a kriya for the Positive Mind included.  Anne Novak shares about the meditation in the video.  The experience I just wrote about happened after I practiced this meditation.  Coincidence?  I don't know..........

Dealing With Depression Part 2: Ancient Kundalini Yoga Tools For 21st Century Depression

The old story: unable to leave behind that which one has been taught is sensible, practical, normal, rational, proper decent convention.  Better to regard the group over the individual, the publicly acclaimed over the privately treasured, the objective over the subjectively valued.  Into a life, depression comes as a gift forcing one to listen to the voice of the self within. Depression comes as a gift wrenching one from the comfort of the collective to the isolation of ones own feeling values, from the safety of the wide gate and broad way to the doubts and fears of one's own unmarked, rocky footpath...a gift: for hidden in the seeming safety of the broad way was stagnation and illness-death to the possibility of becoming ones self.   

                                                          -Judith  Duerk, A Circle of Stones, A Woman's Journey to Herself

Move the Stagnation.  Find Ones Self.  Here is a way............


I don't even pretend to be an expert on depression.  I am not a therapist.  I have no formal training.  I did not sit hours in classrooms reading about signs, symptoms, statistics, diagnosis, etc.  I did not take any written or oral tests.  My training has come through life.  I simply share my experience.

Right now the way I am keeping myself in balance and keeping my emotions elevated is through the tools of Kundalini Yoga.  In particular I am practicing pranayama, meditation and mantra.  I am not going to sit here and write that KY has taken away my depression. Kundalini Yoga assists me with emotional elevation, inner strength, and most importantly awareness. The awareness of what needs to change on the outside and what needs to be done on the inside to implement the change.  What I choose to do with the awareness determines the difference between staying in depression and doing what I know needs to be done to move out of it, or staying in the fear and choosing depression. Even if I am scared there are tools that assist me in building courage to take baby steps forward through the sadness.

Kundalini Yoga provides tools to address the both the physiological and energetic imbalances of many psychiatric disorders including major depressive disorders.  There are several books written with case studies about applied treatments. One book that I own is : Kundalini Yoga Meditation: Techniques Specific for Psychiatric Disorders, Couples Therapy, and Personal Growth by David S. Shannahoff-Khalsa.  It is quite scientific based and geared towards practitioners in the Mental Health Field.

Kundalini Yoga assists in alleviating depression by focusing on:

Pranayama: (breathing techniques): Practicing pranayama increases oxygen supply to the brain and bloodstream. It aids in physical and emotional detoxification. When certain ratios of breath are applied through specific nostrils it can bring balance to the brain, alter mental states and emotional states, and increase serotonin levels.  Breathing through the left nostril only can bring about a state of calmness if one is upset or anxious.  Breathing through the right nostril can increase mental alertness and energy.

Renewing the Brain: Kundalini Yoga tools assist with balancing the brain hemispheres, strengthening the frontal lobe, utilizing dhristi (eye focus) mudra (hand position) and the tongue (mantra) to rewire the brain moving out old thought patterns and creating new positive ones.

Strengthening the Aura:  The Aura is an electromagnetic energy field that surrounds our bodies.  It is said our auras extend anywhere from 3-9 feet from our body.  The aura is our protection.  A strong aura keeps negative energies out of our bodies and energy field.  Energies that can cause imbalance, disease, and depression.

*One who has a small aura tends to be depressed, negative, and crabby.  The person doesn't want to be uplifted.  Conforms to others and is afraid to be ones true self.  This certainly invites in depression.

Balancing the Glandular System:  Kundalini Yoga tools balance hypothalamic, pineal and pituitary secretions which in turn balance the activity of the entire glandular system. This balancing of hormones allows regulatory processes to occur which restores health and changes in neurochemistry which result in an overall balance and feeling of well-being.

Increasing Vitality:  Specific Kundalini yoga tools assist in increasing vitality. This can be helpful especially for those times when one needs to get things done but their energy is low. Depression can be caused by a blockage of the flow of ones vital energy. Simple movements such as spinal flex or shoulder shrugs to full yoga sets  focus on stimulating and releasing core vital energy that can be utilized for forward movement.

This is just a taste of the many benefits of utilizing the practice of Kundalini Yoga for assisting with depression.  There are numerous meditations, kriyas, breathing techniques, and mantras focus on the imbalances within to change the imbalance on the outside.

Most of the depression I have experienced on and off the last 17 years has been caused by the outside circumstances I put myself in.  I had often wondered why I put myself in the situations I did.  I received my answers last year.  The awakening and breaking open I experienced shed light on many answers to many questions and allowed me a sigh of relief that I really wasn't crazy or just born to suffer.  There was a legitimate reason as to why the patterns within me led me down the path of my life.  I don't know that I would have gotten to that core place of awareness had it not been for the practice of Kundalini Yoga.

Kundalini Yoga is not the only thing I recommend for alleviation of depression. Goodness, no!  It is but one tool.  One of many. It is an ancient technology for 21st century life- recovery.  It fills in the blanks.  I could write a whole blog just on the benefits of Mantra (sound healing) for elevating one out of a depressed state......and I think I will.

The times have changes.  The world is changing and to make it through minds have to be opened and news modalities considered.  This is one of them.  I have many more tools to offer but they cannot all be shared on this blog.  I will be offering a "Dealing With Depression" Workshop in the future in which I will share more tips, tools, and Kundalini Yoga protocols for Depression.

 Pranayama Exercises and Meditations. 

 If you have any questions please feel free to contact me.

When beginning a Kundalini Yoga practice always tune in with the following mantra three times:

Ong Namo Gur Dev Namo
"I bow to the all knowing wisdom that lies within me.  I bow to creation."


Pranayama Techniques:

Segmented Breath for Depression.  

It can be practiced for alleviating mild depression:

Practice time 3-11 minutes:

Eye Position:  Closed and focused at the point in between your eye brow

Mudra:  Hands gently resting on knees in Gyan Mudra (forefinger connected to thumb)

The breath is a 4:1 ratio

A.  Inhale through the nose in four slow even segments as if you are sniffing.  (Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Sniff)

B.  Exhale in one smooth exhalation

To end:  Inhale and hold thre breath focusing at the brow point and exhale.


 Ego Eradicator/Breath of Fire
http://www.pinklotus.org/-%20KY%20Postures%20Ego%20Eradicator.htm
*Excellent for strengthening the auric field and stimulating the flow of vital energy and strengthening the nervous system

For instructions on Breath of Fire check out my video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFsjMVHH7Cs&feature=relmfu
* Do not practice if you have high pressure or anxiety


Meditations For Depression:

Kundalini Yoga Meditation for Acute Depression
http://www.pinklotus.org/-%20KY%20Meditation%20healing%20mediation%20for%20acute%20depression.htm

Kundalini Yoga Meditation as an Antidote to Depression
http://www.pinklotus.org/-%20KY%20Meditation%20to%20recharge%20you.htm

Seven Wave Sat Nam Meditation
http://www.grdcenter.org/meditations/7-wave.php
*A friend and KY Instructor shared with me that this was recommended to her as a practice to help her move through depression.  She had only positive feedback and shared that it greatly benefited her.


Part Three Coming Soon..........


Many Blessings,

Kristianna

Dealing with Depression Part 1: Embracing the Gifts of Sadness

"How might your life have been different, if, when you were a young woman, the first time you felt feelings of depression, an older woman had come to sit with you?  If she had come to sit with you, as someone had come to sit with her the first time she had feelings of depression?  To simply sit, quietly, perhaps wordlessly-to sit with you, during your dark time.  And how might your life have been different if the woman had accepted your feelings of depression?  Had accepted them so fully and completely that you began to feel safe with them.  If there had been no judgement or questioning..no attempt to make you smile, to betray your feelings, to deny your darkness.  If the woman had simply sat in silence with you, with your pain, and in the darkest moments had been able to reflect it to you..to reflect to your pain...to witness...attend...and by her quiet respect for it to help you learn to respect it...your own pain and depression....to witness, attend , and respect your depression...and to see that just as the woman had faith in it, you might also have a glimmer of faith that there was meaning and truth in your darkness."

 How might your life be different?

- Circle of Stones, Woman's Journey to Herself,  by Judith Duerk




I would first like to share how deeply I am in love with the book, Circle of Stones, Woman's Journey to Herself, by Judith Duerk.  I know this book has been around for some time now, but the time came last winter when it was my turn to discover the rich treasure of wisdom and comfort that lies buried within its pages.  The above excerpt is perfect.  Not only for women to think about, but also for men.

I have lived on and off with depression most of my life.  I did not know about depression until my second year of college when I was diagnosed by a doctor and experienced my first dance with anti-depressants.  I did not really take the diagnosis seriously,nor, did I stay on the pills for very long.  The doctor was very quick to shove the prescription in my hand and send me on my way.  He did not share any info about depression or provide me with resources to learn more about what may have caused it. He just gave me the pills.  I took them.  I did not stay on them.  I tried off and on for years to take the anti-depressants but my body just kept rejecting them.  Something deep within me knew it wasn't what I needed.  I know anti-depressants are beneficial for certain people.  I honor and respect that path.  It just wasn't the path that was right for me.

I can say it was a time of my life where I had my little toe dipped in the self-healing world and the rest of my foot immersed in the material world of trying to heal my wounds by following my insatiable ego. I thought if I could just get the better car, the bigger apartment, the skinniest body, the greatest hair, become a star then the depression I was feeling would go away.

It didn't work like that.  It just made it worse.  So I turned to another type of pill to make it go away.  That made it even worse and landed me in the 12 step recovery rooms.

When I first moved back to Nashville in 2005 I was sharing a house with another woman.  I remember I was in a deep state of depression at that time. I was afraid that if she noticed I was sitting around or laying down to much she would think I was crazy or lazy and kick me out.  I did share with her that I was dealing with depression and that there may be times I would be laying around.  She did not put me down or out right judge me like I made myself believe would happen.  I remember it feeling good to open up like that, but I never could fully feel comfortable being in a sad state, and she never played the role of the supportive older woman.

I did often yearn for someone to sit there with me just as Judith shares in her book.  I wished for someone just to hold the space and not try and cheer me up or get me to go do something.  Someone to just allow me to feel what was going on. I wonder if that support would have been provided for me at a young age then I wouldn't have been so hard on myself when I felt depressed in those early days.  I wonder what it would be like if more people had a kind old woman teach them to respect and accept their sadness and not be ashamed of it.  Would more people be there for one another and not be afraid of sadness?

It really frustrates me that there is still a stigma around mental illnesses such as depression.  People are more sympathetic, supportive, and kind to people who experience "physical" illness ,but, are less tolerant and supportive of people with "mental" illness.  Why?

If this stigma does not change then we are in trouble. I saw some staggering statistics the other day regarding the percentage of people living with depression.**  It did not surprise me at all considering the way we live, work, eat, and treat ourselves in this day and age.

*A recent study sponsored by the World Health Organization and the World Bank found unipolar major depression to be the leading cause of disability in the United States.

                                     DEPRESSION IS NOT A WEAKNESS

I do not see depression as a weakness. I see it as a friend.  I see it as a signal to me that something is imbalanced in my life.  I see it as a time to take a step back and to pay attention to where I am not nourishing myself enough.  I see it as anger and sadness locked up inside of me needing to be listened to and released. I see it as a time to inquire if my dopamine and/or serotonin levels are imbalanced. My body tells me everything.

One of the workshops I teach in my Recovery Rising program is called, "Dealing with Depression."  In this workshop I really focus on providing students with a gentle and empowering way of looking at and dealing with depression. Students learn breathing techniques, kriyas (yoga sets), and mantras all specific for depression.  I also provide the time and space through guided meditation for students to visit the locked up emotions within.   I draw alot from the teachings of Guru Rattana Ph.D, a Kundalini Yoga teacher and long time student of Yogi Bhajan.  Her view on depression made the most sense to me and confirmed what I had figured out through experience.  The following is a teaching of hers that I also share in my workshop:


"We are obliged to experience grief, sorrow, pessimism, and loneliness.  The trick is we are not obliged to indulge in these feelings.  They are there to teach us, but they are not there to torment us.  The key to understanding these feelings is the realization that they are a reflection of our separation from source.  They are a response to a closed heart.  A closed heart blocked off by negative experiences, unexpressed emotions from traumas and bad programming.  We must revisit and reinstall new programming in order to make it back to the core of our soul where love resides.  Depression is an invitation to this inner journey.  Not the most popular journey, we often choose denial, medication, blame, and outward preoccupations.  My observation is that like other soul lessons, some form of sadness and depression never really goes away until we find the gold of divine love in our own hearts.
Depression invites us to turn inward so we can find the cause of the source of our pain and find resolution, freedom and empowerment."  -Guru Rattana  Ph.D


I know for many in the west talking about going within and listening to feelings sounds like a cheese ball waste of time but, I am living proof that it is not.  The time for the old way of, "taking it on the chin and moving on" is just about up.  That is an old paradigm and a way of being that is now back -firing on many.  I grew up in a family that taught me to much about repressing my feelings.  I also experienced the pain it caused for years until I allowed myself to start facing and expressing them.


                                        THE ONLY WAY OUT IS BY GOING IN


This year has been an incredibly difficult life changing time of my life.  I believe if I didn't experience some times of depression with dealing with what has gone on I would not be human. I have experienced bouts of depression that have lasted sometimes 2-3 days at a time to upwards of two weeks.  I am most grateful that I have come to an acceptance of depression and view it in the way that I do now.  I have really learned to go within this year.  It has been the only way to make it through the emotional and physical changes I have experienced.   I know the changes are not over and I am still listening.

There was a time about a month ago when it was bad.  I couldn't pick up any "self-healing" tools.  I couldn't shift anything.  I just had to merge with the sadness.  I just had to be with it in order to move through it. The problem was I wasn't moving through it.  It was as Guru Rattana shared, "the trick is we are not obliged to indulge in these feelings."  I know I gave myself adequate nurturing time and space, but then something in me knew it was going to far.  I had enough.  I needed to move forward.

One evening I went upstairs into my office.  I sat down in front of my altar.  I closed my eyes and went to the area within my body where I felt the blocked energy(my heart center) and allowed myself to fully be present in that area.  I brought the energy up to the surface and began feeling a trembling through my body.  The energy came up my throat and out of my mouth as I began to scream and let the tears fall.  It did not stop.  Wave after wave rushed through my body.  The painful feelings of sadness and frustration released over and over again.  My fists flew in the air and my body continued to shake and tremble as the blocked pain and trauma released out of my body. I was utterly exhausted after that experience and found myself crawling into bed.  I can say the next day I woke up and felt forward movement.  Something had been released.  My mood lifted.  My motivation came back and the depression let up.  What did I do?  I did not take it on the chin. I did not drink or drug myself.  What I did do was face my buried emotions.  I chose to go into them and I chose to release them.  I have lived with 30 years of stuffed down trauma and pain through out my body.  Trust me this wasn't the first episode.

I am aware that the season of depression is upon us.  Seasonal Affective Disorder, holidays, new years, and the overall pressure cooker that are the times we are currently living in.  This is why I have been guided to share about depression.  This blog is probably already to long so I am breaking it up into a couple parts. The next parts will include more about outside circumstances, the tools of Kundalini Yoga I utilize for depression including building a strong aura, practicing mantras to shift your vibration, and the importance of breath.

If you happen to be reading this and are going through a time of depression give yourself a break and please know it is okay.

Nurture yourself.  Honor what is going on within.  Give yourself permission to be depressed.

I fully support you and am holding a space for you to feel however you need to feel.


Much love,

Kristianna


**http://www.depressionperception.com/depression/depression-facts-and-statistics.html