I Embraced My Dark Side And Changed My World

"Why do we find ourselves disproportionately angry with selfishness of a friend, the laziness of a co-worker, the arrogance of a family member-or even the rudeness of a stranger?  Why do the same old things get to us so easily, and so intensely?  Our "same old things, " are clues to our dark sides-and to the emotions and traits we fear most in ourselves."

-Debbie Ford,  The Dark Side of The Light Chasers

It has been a while since I have sat down and shared via this blog.  The past two months have been a non stop whirlwind adventure of assisting in opening up a brand new business (not mine), building my energy healing skills, promoting Recovery Rising, teaching yoga, and getting ready for the holidays.  Wwew.  December was a whirl.  December was also magical.  Magical in many ways....

There is one magical thing in particular that  happened in December that I would like to share about. It was a beautiful, painful, frustrating, healing, and liberating lesson I went through that lasted over the time span of the past two months.   A lesson I am grateful now to have been taught because for years It has been a teaching that I have carried with me only in an intellectual way.

Over the past couple of months I have had in my environment a very interesting person.  This person in many ways intrigued me  by the vast amount of knowledge they possessed about food, the government, so called "conspiracy theories", and a whole host of other topics that make me wonder how one person can contain so much information.  I was always entertained and eager to learn more from this person I will refer to as, "Lee."

I can say that in the many lifetimes I have lived within this lifetime and the people I have encountered in those lifetimes (and I have encountered some characters) I have never met anyone like, Lee.  I can truly say Lee has been one of my greatest teachers so far and I will share why.

Lee is quite talented and very efficient at what he does in a chaotic way.  Lee wants things done in a certain way and gets frustrated because they aren't at a level she is used too.  Lee tends to take her frustrations out by creating an environment of negativity around her. I will not go into detail of the different ways her negativity is expressed.  I choose not to relive the experience.  Let me just say the negativity ripples through the air and into the people that are standing close to him and has a negative effect on the mind and body.

I am a firm believer that what is in the environment around me is a reflection of what is going on within me.  I knew that I attracted Lee into my life based on something I needed to see, but for so long all I could see and feel was my annoyance and frustration towards him and the environment it was creating.

I was quite stunned that a person could act in the manner that she was acting.  I did not want to keep focusing on this persons shortcomings.  I knew that was not right.  I tried to find out my part in why he was acting like this or just understand the bigger picture that did not have to do with me.  When I found out things that I could do on my part to possibly improve the situation I did my best.  It didn't help.  I was quickly reminded I can't change anyone.  I can only change me.  What was it I not understanding?   Why did I manifest this situation?

Weeks of confusion and frustration went by. Then It Clicked.  The shift happened.......

I don't if it was the new Primordial Sound Meditation practice I had started or the many drops of Balance Dottera Essential Oil I applied to my skin that morning, but I had my awakening and shift in one beautiful moment a few weeks ago.  I was deep into my morning activity standing across from Lee.  My breathing was slow and deep so I could stay centered and make it through the time I had to spend around him.  I was still going about my business when suddenly I had the magic wand "bop me across the head moment" and finally, I GOT IT.

This person was reflecting back to me, my own NEGATIVITY!

Yes.  It was one of the aspects of my dark side I just was not owning.  I was not accepting.
 This disowned part of me was running everything in my life because I was not owning it.

In that moment my heart center opened and I automatically started sending love Lee's way.  I sent it because in that moment I was seeing through the eyes of my heart and what I saw was an embodiment of all the negativity that was within me.  I was sending love and accepting....me.

I also remembered that just a month prior I had done a 40 day meditation for the, Positive Mind.  This meditation included a mantra to balance out the negative mind.  Duh, it made so much sense now.  Months ago I had realized my negative mind had seemed to really taken the drivers seat in my life and I needed to do something about it.  After the 40 days of the meditation was over I got caught up in other life activities and I literally forgot I had practiced that meditation.  I had set the energies in motion to assist me in balancing the negativity within me.  I just forgot about it.  Ooops.

After that moment everything OUTSIDE of me changed.  I am not kidding.  It did. This persons actions no longer had any power over me.  The charge was gone.  In fact, in the days after that moment I noticed the whole environment started to change and Lee seemed different too.  When there was an expression of negativity it did not phase me.  I stayed centered and moved right on.  I would just send love.

I have been trying to get this lesson for years.  I first learned about finding the clues to my disowned dark side through people who would get under my skin from the book,  The Dark Side of The Light Chasers by Debbie Ford.  I have continued to learn about my shadow self through Kundalini Yoga teachings, Oneness Teachings, and various other people who clearly got this similar lesson and were kind enough to share their experience too.  I have always had an intellectual understanding of it, but, never have I had a profound experience with it such as this.

We truly can shift our own world around us by shifting what is within us.

The so called "dark sides" of us are part of the divine creation.  We cannot know light without dark.  That is the beauty of the human experience.  We are to embrace both.  How else can we learn how to love?


"We are here to learn from all these parts of ourselves and make peace with them.  To be truly authentic persons, we have to allow the aspects of ourselves that we love and accept coexist with all the aspects of ourselves we make wrong.  When we can lovingly hold all these traits together in one hand, without judgement, they will naturally integrate into our system.  Then we can take off our masks and trust the universe created each of us with a divine design.  The we can stand tall, embracing the world WITHIN."


-Debbie Ford,  The Dark Side of The Light Chasers


I thank Lee for playing the role of my teacher.

Now it is time to move on.

This time I am putting  a request in to the universe for a more gentle experience.......please!

I


http://www.spiritvoyage.com/blog/?p=18190

Here is a blog from Spirit Voyage talking about Overcoming the Negative Mind.  At the end of the blog is a video with the meditation I practiced for 40 Days.  You will have to forward through the video to the part when the meditation comes up. There is also a kriya for the Positive Mind included.  Anne Novak shares about the meditation in the video.  The experience I just wrote about happened after I practiced this meditation.  Coincidence?  I don't know..........

Dealing With Depression Part 2: Ancient Kundalini Yoga Tools For 21st Century Depression

The old story: unable to leave behind that which one has been taught is sensible, practical, normal, rational, proper decent convention.  Better to regard the group over the individual, the publicly acclaimed over the privately treasured, the objective over the subjectively valued.  Into a life, depression comes as a gift forcing one to listen to the voice of the self within. Depression comes as a gift wrenching one from the comfort of the collective to the isolation of ones own feeling values, from the safety of the wide gate and broad way to the doubts and fears of one's own unmarked, rocky footpath...a gift: for hidden in the seeming safety of the broad way was stagnation and illness-death to the possibility of becoming ones self.   

                                                          -Judith  Duerk, A Circle of Stones, A Woman's Journey to Herself

Move the Stagnation.  Find Ones Self.  Here is a way............


I don't even pretend to be an expert on depression.  I am not a therapist.  I have no formal training.  I did not sit hours in classrooms reading about signs, symptoms, statistics, diagnosis, etc.  I did not take any written or oral tests.  My training has come through life.  I simply share my experience.

Right now the way I am keeping myself in balance and keeping my emotions elevated is through the tools of Kundalini Yoga.  In particular I am practicing pranayama, meditation and mantra.  I am not going to sit here and write that KY has taken away my depression. Kundalini Yoga assists me with emotional elevation, inner strength, and most importantly awareness. The awareness of what needs to change on the outside and what needs to be done on the inside to implement the change.  What I choose to do with the awareness determines the difference between staying in depression and doing what I know needs to be done to move out of it, or staying in the fear and choosing depression. Even if I am scared there are tools that assist me in building courage to take baby steps forward through the sadness.

Kundalini Yoga provides tools to address the both the physiological and energetic imbalances of many psychiatric disorders including major depressive disorders.  There are several books written with case studies about applied treatments. One book that I own is : Kundalini Yoga Meditation: Techniques Specific for Psychiatric Disorders, Couples Therapy, and Personal Growth by David S. Shannahoff-Khalsa.  It is quite scientific based and geared towards practitioners in the Mental Health Field.

Kundalini Yoga assists in alleviating depression by focusing on:

Pranayama: (breathing techniques): Practicing pranayama increases oxygen supply to the brain and bloodstream. It aids in physical and emotional detoxification. When certain ratios of breath are applied through specific nostrils it can bring balance to the brain, alter mental states and emotional states, and increase serotonin levels.  Breathing through the left nostril only can bring about a state of calmness if one is upset or anxious.  Breathing through the right nostril can increase mental alertness and energy.

Renewing the Brain: Kundalini Yoga tools assist with balancing the brain hemispheres, strengthening the frontal lobe, utilizing dhristi (eye focus) mudra (hand position) and the tongue (mantra) to rewire the brain moving out old thought patterns and creating new positive ones.

Strengthening the Aura:  The Aura is an electromagnetic energy field that surrounds our bodies.  It is said our auras extend anywhere from 3-9 feet from our body.  The aura is our protection.  A strong aura keeps negative energies out of our bodies and energy field.  Energies that can cause imbalance, disease, and depression.

*One who has a small aura tends to be depressed, negative, and crabby.  The person doesn't want to be uplifted.  Conforms to others and is afraid to be ones true self.  This certainly invites in depression.

Balancing the Glandular System:  Kundalini Yoga tools balance hypothalamic, pineal and pituitary secretions which in turn balance the activity of the entire glandular system. This balancing of hormones allows regulatory processes to occur which restores health and changes in neurochemistry which result in an overall balance and feeling of well-being.

Increasing Vitality:  Specific Kundalini yoga tools assist in increasing vitality. This can be helpful especially for those times when one needs to get things done but their energy is low. Depression can be caused by a blockage of the flow of ones vital energy. Simple movements such as spinal flex or shoulder shrugs to full yoga sets  focus on stimulating and releasing core vital energy that can be utilized for forward movement.

This is just a taste of the many benefits of utilizing the practice of Kundalini Yoga for assisting with depression.  There are numerous meditations, kriyas, breathing techniques, and mantras focus on the imbalances within to change the imbalance on the outside.

Most of the depression I have experienced on and off the last 17 years has been caused by the outside circumstances I put myself in.  I had often wondered why I put myself in the situations I did.  I received my answers last year.  The awakening and breaking open I experienced shed light on many answers to many questions and allowed me a sigh of relief that I really wasn't crazy or just born to suffer.  There was a legitimate reason as to why the patterns within me led me down the path of my life.  I don't know that I would have gotten to that core place of awareness had it not been for the practice of Kundalini Yoga.

Kundalini Yoga is not the only thing I recommend for alleviation of depression. Goodness, no!  It is but one tool.  One of many. It is an ancient technology for 21st century life- recovery.  It fills in the blanks.  I could write a whole blog just on the benefits of Mantra (sound healing) for elevating one out of a depressed state......and I think I will.

The times have changes.  The world is changing and to make it through minds have to be opened and news modalities considered.  This is one of them.  I have many more tools to offer but they cannot all be shared on this blog.  I will be offering a "Dealing With Depression" Workshop in the future in which I will share more tips, tools, and Kundalini Yoga protocols for Depression.

 Pranayama Exercises and Meditations. 

 If you have any questions please feel free to contact me.

When beginning a Kundalini Yoga practice always tune in with the following mantra three times:

Ong Namo Gur Dev Namo
"I bow to the all knowing wisdom that lies within me.  I bow to creation."


Pranayama Techniques:

Segmented Breath for Depression.  

It can be practiced for alleviating mild depression:

Practice time 3-11 minutes:

Eye Position:  Closed and focused at the point in between your eye brow

Mudra:  Hands gently resting on knees in Gyan Mudra (forefinger connected to thumb)

The breath is a 4:1 ratio

A.  Inhale through the nose in four slow even segments as if you are sniffing.  (Sniff, Sniff, Sniff, Sniff)

B.  Exhale in one smooth exhalation

To end:  Inhale and hold thre breath focusing at the brow point and exhale.


 Ego Eradicator/Breath of Fire
http://www.pinklotus.org/-%20KY%20Postures%20Ego%20Eradicator.htm
*Excellent for strengthening the auric field and stimulating the flow of vital energy and strengthening the nervous system

For instructions on Breath of Fire check out my video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFsjMVHH7Cs&feature=relmfu
* Do not practice if you have high pressure or anxiety


Meditations For Depression:

Kundalini Yoga Meditation for Acute Depression
http://www.pinklotus.org/-%20KY%20Meditation%20healing%20mediation%20for%20acute%20depression.htm

Kundalini Yoga Meditation as an Antidote to Depression
http://www.pinklotus.org/-%20KY%20Meditation%20to%20recharge%20you.htm

Seven Wave Sat Nam Meditation
http://www.grdcenter.org/meditations/7-wave.php
*A friend and KY Instructor shared with me that this was recommended to her as a practice to help her move through depression.  She had only positive feedback and shared that it greatly benefited her.


Part Three Coming Soon..........


Many Blessings,

Kristianna

Dealing with Depression Part 1: Embracing the Gifts of Sadness

"How might your life have been different, if, when you were a young woman, the first time you felt feelings of depression, an older woman had come to sit with you?  If she had come to sit with you, as someone had come to sit with her the first time she had feelings of depression?  To simply sit, quietly, perhaps wordlessly-to sit with you, during your dark time.  And how might your life have been different if the woman had accepted your feelings of depression?  Had accepted them so fully and completely that you began to feel safe with them.  If there had been no judgement or questioning..no attempt to make you smile, to betray your feelings, to deny your darkness.  If the woman had simply sat in silence with you, with your pain, and in the darkest moments had been able to reflect it to you..to reflect to your pain...to witness...attend...and by her quiet respect for it to help you learn to respect it...your own pain and depression....to witness, attend , and respect your depression...and to see that just as the woman had faith in it, you might also have a glimmer of faith that there was meaning and truth in your darkness."

 How might your life be different?

- Circle of Stones, Woman's Journey to Herself,  by Judith Duerk




I would first like to share how deeply I am in love with the book, Circle of Stones, Woman's Journey to Herself, by Judith Duerk.  I know this book has been around for some time now, but the time came last winter when it was my turn to discover the rich treasure of wisdom and comfort that lies buried within its pages.  The above excerpt is perfect.  Not only for women to think about, but also for men.

I have lived on and off with depression most of my life.  I did not know about depression until my second year of college when I was diagnosed by a doctor and experienced my first dance with anti-depressants.  I did not really take the diagnosis seriously,nor, did I stay on the pills for very long.  The doctor was very quick to shove the prescription in my hand and send me on my way.  He did not share any info about depression or provide me with resources to learn more about what may have caused it. He just gave me the pills.  I took them.  I did not stay on them.  I tried off and on for years to take the anti-depressants but my body just kept rejecting them.  Something deep within me knew it wasn't what I needed.  I know anti-depressants are beneficial for certain people.  I honor and respect that path.  It just wasn't the path that was right for me.

I can say it was a time of my life where I had my little toe dipped in the self-healing world and the rest of my foot immersed in the material world of trying to heal my wounds by following my insatiable ego. I thought if I could just get the better car, the bigger apartment, the skinniest body, the greatest hair, become a star then the depression I was feeling would go away.

It didn't work like that.  It just made it worse.  So I turned to another type of pill to make it go away.  That made it even worse and landed me in the 12 step recovery rooms.

When I first moved back to Nashville in 2005 I was sharing a house with another woman.  I remember I was in a deep state of depression at that time. I was afraid that if she noticed I was sitting around or laying down to much she would think I was crazy or lazy and kick me out.  I did share with her that I was dealing with depression and that there may be times I would be laying around.  She did not put me down or out right judge me like I made myself believe would happen.  I remember it feeling good to open up like that, but I never could fully feel comfortable being in a sad state, and she never played the role of the supportive older woman.

I did often yearn for someone to sit there with me just as Judith shares in her book.  I wished for someone just to hold the space and not try and cheer me up or get me to go do something.  Someone to just allow me to feel what was going on. I wonder if that support would have been provided for me at a young age then I wouldn't have been so hard on myself when I felt depressed in those early days.  I wonder what it would be like if more people had a kind old woman teach them to respect and accept their sadness and not be ashamed of it.  Would more people be there for one another and not be afraid of sadness?

It really frustrates me that there is still a stigma around mental illnesses such as depression.  People are more sympathetic, supportive, and kind to people who experience "physical" illness ,but, are less tolerant and supportive of people with "mental" illness.  Why?

If this stigma does not change then we are in trouble. I saw some staggering statistics the other day regarding the percentage of people living with depression.**  It did not surprise me at all considering the way we live, work, eat, and treat ourselves in this day and age.

*A recent study sponsored by the World Health Organization and the World Bank found unipolar major depression to be the leading cause of disability in the United States.

                                     DEPRESSION IS NOT A WEAKNESS

I do not see depression as a weakness. I see it as a friend.  I see it as a signal to me that something is imbalanced in my life.  I see it as a time to take a step back and to pay attention to where I am not nourishing myself enough.  I see it as anger and sadness locked up inside of me needing to be listened to and released. I see it as a time to inquire if my dopamine and/or serotonin levels are imbalanced. My body tells me everything.

One of the workshops I teach in my Recovery Rising program is called, "Dealing with Depression."  In this workshop I really focus on providing students with a gentle and empowering way of looking at and dealing with depression. Students learn breathing techniques, kriyas (yoga sets), and mantras all specific for depression.  I also provide the time and space through guided meditation for students to visit the locked up emotions within.   I draw alot from the teachings of Guru Rattana Ph.D, a Kundalini Yoga teacher and long time student of Yogi Bhajan.  Her view on depression made the most sense to me and confirmed what I had figured out through experience.  The following is a teaching of hers that I also share in my workshop:


"We are obliged to experience grief, sorrow, pessimism, and loneliness.  The trick is we are not obliged to indulge in these feelings.  They are there to teach us, but they are not there to torment us.  The key to understanding these feelings is the realization that they are a reflection of our separation from source.  They are a response to a closed heart.  A closed heart blocked off by negative experiences, unexpressed emotions from traumas and bad programming.  We must revisit and reinstall new programming in order to make it back to the core of our soul where love resides.  Depression is an invitation to this inner journey.  Not the most popular journey, we often choose denial, medication, blame, and outward preoccupations.  My observation is that like other soul lessons, some form of sadness and depression never really goes away until we find the gold of divine love in our own hearts.
Depression invites us to turn inward so we can find the cause of the source of our pain and find resolution, freedom and empowerment."  -Guru Rattana  Ph.D


I know for many in the west talking about going within and listening to feelings sounds like a cheese ball waste of time but, I am living proof that it is not.  The time for the old way of, "taking it on the chin and moving on" is just about up.  That is an old paradigm and a way of being that is now back -firing on many.  I grew up in a family that taught me to much about repressing my feelings.  I also experienced the pain it caused for years until I allowed myself to start facing and expressing them.


                                        THE ONLY WAY OUT IS BY GOING IN


This year has been an incredibly difficult life changing time of my life.  I believe if I didn't experience some times of depression with dealing with what has gone on I would not be human. I have experienced bouts of depression that have lasted sometimes 2-3 days at a time to upwards of two weeks.  I am most grateful that I have come to an acceptance of depression and view it in the way that I do now.  I have really learned to go within this year.  It has been the only way to make it through the emotional and physical changes I have experienced.   I know the changes are not over and I am still listening.

There was a time about a month ago when it was bad.  I couldn't pick up any "self-healing" tools.  I couldn't shift anything.  I just had to merge with the sadness.  I just had to be with it in order to move through it. The problem was I wasn't moving through it.  It was as Guru Rattana shared, "the trick is we are not obliged to indulge in these feelings."  I know I gave myself adequate nurturing time and space, but then something in me knew it was going to far.  I had enough.  I needed to move forward.

One evening I went upstairs into my office.  I sat down in front of my altar.  I closed my eyes and went to the area within my body where I felt the blocked energy(my heart center) and allowed myself to fully be present in that area.  I brought the energy up to the surface and began feeling a trembling through my body.  The energy came up my throat and out of my mouth as I began to scream and let the tears fall.  It did not stop.  Wave after wave rushed through my body.  The painful feelings of sadness and frustration released over and over again.  My fists flew in the air and my body continued to shake and tremble as the blocked pain and trauma released out of my body. I was utterly exhausted after that experience and found myself crawling into bed.  I can say the next day I woke up and felt forward movement.  Something had been released.  My mood lifted.  My motivation came back and the depression let up.  What did I do?  I did not take it on the chin. I did not drink or drug myself.  What I did do was face my buried emotions.  I chose to go into them and I chose to release them.  I have lived with 30 years of stuffed down trauma and pain through out my body.  Trust me this wasn't the first episode.

I am aware that the season of depression is upon us.  Seasonal Affective Disorder, holidays, new years, and the overall pressure cooker that are the times we are currently living in.  This is why I have been guided to share about depression.  This blog is probably already to long so I am breaking it up into a couple parts. The next parts will include more about outside circumstances, the tools of Kundalini Yoga I utilize for depression including building a strong aura, practicing mantras to shift your vibration, and the importance of breath.

If you happen to be reading this and are going through a time of depression give yourself a break and please know it is okay.

Nurture yourself.  Honor what is going on within.  Give yourself permission to be depressed.

I fully support you and am holding a space for you to feel however you need to feel.


Much love,

Kristianna


**http://www.depressionperception.com/depression/depression-facts-and-statistics.html

2012 The Year of Authenticity, Inner Earthquakes, Volcanoes and Vomiting!

We are at the home stretch of 2012!  The last quarter before December, and I think most of us agree the pressure is on!  What do I mean about pressure?  I can't answer that for you put I can answer it for me.  My pressure has been my resistance to do what I need to do to live authentically.  This inner resistance has led to inner explosions resulting in ......VOMITING and other imbalances.  Two weekends ago I experienced not only an earthquake within my whole body in the form of shakes and convulsions I could not control, but I also experienced a volcano which came in the form of non- stop vomiting.  All of this landed me in the emergency room hooked up to an IV leaving me utterly exhausted and I am still not feeling right.  If you notice my last blog post I was feeling the the nausea then!

I have been asked several times over the past year in conversation and during a public speaking event what I thought was going to happen on December 21, 2012.  My answer was and still is, "Shifts are already taking place and have been even before 2012.  If people think about what has taken place within themselves over the past couple of years it could look or feel like a natural disaster.  Emotions that were suppressed maybe finally came up in an explosion not unlike a volcano.  When changes had to be made in someones life because something was no longer bearable or aligned with the truth of who they were perhaps it seemed like a tornado the way the changes took place. Someone may have experienced a depression within their heart that felt like a glacier moved in.  Perhaps the pressure and resistance of the overall changing of the times caused someones nervous system to short circuit and anxiety to set in like an earthquake within the body.

Everybody talks about pole shifts taking place possibly on December 21, 2012, but, I say it happening now.  It is happening on a spiritual and energetic level.  The pole shift is we are shifting from the old way of thinking and being led by our ego and mind to a new way of being that is being led from our heart and soul.  WHHHHAAAT?  "Oh my god, that is just woo woo silly nonsense!" says almost everyone coming from their heads.

Think about it.

"THE NATURAL DISASTERS AND POLE SHIFTS ARE HAPPENING WITHIN!"

Yes.  It sounds out there because most people are used to living in a certain way.  How many people actually let their hearts lead the way?  It is scary.  It is a surrender.  It is a pole shift.

We are in a time now where the more we resist something the even greater is going to persist.  I am living proof of this.

This whole year has been one inner natural disaster after another for me.  Yes.  I asked for it.  I just had no clue how it was going to happen.  I wish I could be in gratitude for the experience of it all because that is what living is about ..blah blah.  I am in gratitude at this moment, but sometimes I am not.

Yesterday I had yet another inner volcano erupt minus the spewing lava this time.  It was an emotional noisy screaming volcano.  An inner truth explosion.  These are going to keep happening to me until the surrender and acceptance rests in my heart.  I know this.  These have to happen because I set my intention last year to find the source of this life long inner pain and to do whatever I needed to release and heal.  Three weeks after I had made that request to the universe my whole life changed and still is changing.

Eight weeks ago I started a Mindful Living Class and wrote down the intention of  "Discovering and Living In My Truth."  I wrote it on a clay tile that was provided and I drew a heart with what looks like an combination of the infinity spiral and an eyeball.  I just made the connection of the drawing to my intention.  I am living this intention.  It just isn't playing out as I thought it would...

"I surrender on a daily basis sometimes without a fight!"

I have made small changes this year. It has been a very traumatic year for me and for my husband.  We have and continue to deal with our outer circumstances changing to make us look within and see what needs to be discovered, shifted, and brought forth if necessary.  There are more changes to come. I know this.  One step at a time.

Changes have to be made or the alternative is end up bed ridden, in the ER, or popping pills to make it go away.  Either an acceptance has to made, emotions have to be healed, actual physical changes have to take place, or whatever else.

Physical symptoms are also manifestations of inner mental and emotional imbalances.  Do not ever try to argue with me on this one.  You will win because I will not argue.  I cannot argue about something I believe in whole hearted.  You will never change my belief on this.

In order for me to improve my health I must be authentic. I must take time everyday to check in with myself.  I must be in awareness of self.  I have to sit in silence and go to my heart.

"I have to surrender to the truth of who I really am and not some projection of who I think I am."

Whoa!  That was liberating when I heard a teaching on awareness and the teacher talked shared about being in touch with who I really am and not some projection.  That was an eye and heart opener.
That teaching is now going to save me from many other mini inner natural disasters if I keep checking in with it.  That teaching is creating not only relief, but a geyser of my authentic juju is about to erupt.

I have built a projection of myself that served  a purpose and some of it will always be a part of me but much of it is not my truth.  Changes are coming.......

I write this loooong blog because I know I am not the only one whose inner world is going through an planetary evolution.  I know of people who don't seem to be affected by the shifts of these past couple of years and some people who have done great work and are in the flow now.  Everybody is different in what needs to shift and in how they deal with it.

Vomiting, Kidney Stones, Urinary Tract Infections, Flu, Exhaustion and on and on.  Honor it all and pay attention to what your body is trying to tell you.  What your soul is trying to tell you?

I have to honor who I truly am. I can only do that by continuing to shift from the head to the heart.  I have to really feel who I am in this very moment ,and be in touch with what I truly like and dislike and not what I think I should to be a "part of."

A couple of good books to go along with what I just blabbed on about are the following:

1.  The Joy Diet by Martha Beck - She gives you 10 ingredients for joy to follow and no its not fluff.  The first three steps you actually have to get silent and get downright truthful with yourself on a daily basis..oohhhh not that!

2.  You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay-  If you already believe there is an mental/emotional reason behind physical ailments then you probably have this book.  If you would like to know more of what in the world I am talking about I would suggest getting a copy.  It is fascinating.

3.  The Exquisite Risk, Daring To Live An Authentic Life by Mark Nepo-  I dare you to read this beautiful book and not feel the authenticity juju start bubbling up within you!


That is all.  Just wanted to share.  Have an beautiful day!   It's okay if you don't....:)

Living My Truth Makes Me Want To Throw Up!

The thought of "living my truth" is making me queasy.  The dream of living my "authentic life" is terrifying me right now.  It is terrifying and confusing in different ways.

Yesterday I attended a mindful living course at my church, Unity Church for Positive Living.  It was week one of a 9 week course being facilitated by Rev. Denise Yeargin.  I arrived a couple minutes late and quietly made my way towards the sanctuary.  As I tip toed closer to the open door of the room I noticed everyone was sitting in silence with eyes closed.  I stood in the door way being mindful as to not make noise.

Rev. Denise saw me, walked over and lovingly put her arms around me. She whispered in my ear that everyone was in a few minutes of silence to set their intention for the course and life in general for the next 9 weeks.  I could feel my breath grow shallow and fear break dancing in my stomach.  I knew right away what my intention was.  I couldn't help but to know what it was.  I felt like I had no other choice of intention. I mean I always have a choice. Everyone has the God given right to choose in any moment how their life is going to go.

I do have the choice to keep on living in an unauthentic state of being.

I do have the choice to continue walking around feeling half alive knowing the outside does not match the inside.

I always have the choice of  feeling confused, frustrated and angry.

I can choose to embrace the fear of change and personal empowerment.

I can choose to discover who I really am as the life built from childhood trauma wounds crumbles away.

I can choose to believe in myself once and for all.

 I can choose to continue staying in my comfort zone which actually should be renamed "pain zone."

I always have a choice.

The intention I chose last night was to "Discover and Live My Truth." It sounds so simple, right?  Wrong!  As I shared what I had written with my small group one gentleman shared that living in ones truth is probably one of the hardest things for anyone to do.  "That's just great." I thought.  "Is there anything I do in my life that doesn't require 150% intensity!?"


The truth that I know so far is I am being confronted with something I have been avoiding for almost 20 years and I am scared out of my mind to walk into it and through it.  The truth is if I do it I just may discover what I am actually made of.  The truth is I was born an "artist" and I will do anything right now to avoid being creative.  I have been told I am a fairy whose light has short circuited because I disconnected myself from the very things that allow fairies inner lights to shine.


The truth is I asked for this.  I asked to be a trauma survivor not a victim.  I asked the divine for what I needed to do to allow myself to live a life in color.  I asked this past weekend at the Oneness Deepening for the blocks to be removed so I could connect authentically with myself and the world.  I asked for Awakening. Oh good God, I had no idea what would hit me afterwards!


A mindful way of living right now is what will keep me connected to discovering what I need to do to live my truth.  When I am fully connected with the moment of now and in my body I cannot run from the truth.  I have to feel it.  If I keep feeling it eventually I have to do something about it.  I have to make a choice.

We were asked last night to share some ways in which one could come into a mindful state of being.  My first answer was and always will be "the breath."  Breathing is the fastest way to bring one to the present moment.  Deep breathing past the chest and into the center of the body.  It is the fastest route to bringing calm within and allowing for feelings and awareness to bubble up to the surface.

I have to keep acknowledging my fear right now. I have to surrender to it and fully feel it. That is the only way I can walk through it.  I have to be mindful of what is going on within because that is where my answers and direction reside.  The only way I can keep moving forward is to keep in the present moment as much as possible.


This is the year.  This is the time.


Surrender.

"All Pain Is Not In The Fact, But In The Perception Of The Fact."

"All pain is not in the fact, but in the perception of the fact." -Sri Amma Bhagavan

The above truth has been an priceless tool for me over the past 5 months.  I was introduced to that teaching in my first Oneness Deepening Weekend in Nashville, TN.

Most of the time what triggers me is not really the truth.  It is the part of me that I call "the wounded inner child" that reacts and perceives what she believes to be reality.

It makes sense to me because I understand the concept of the "inner child."  I understand that my perceptions used to be and sometimes still are based on what I took in as child from the womb up until 6-7 yrs of age.  The inner child is my emotional body.  It is the perceptions and patterns I took in before the neocortex part of the brain developed allowing me to have rational thought and the ability to see different sides of a situation.

I have to be proactive in how I react when I feel I am getting triggered by someone or a situation.  I used to allow the hurt, angry, insecure, frightened little girl take over and I would end up acting out.  It used to be with drugs, alcohol, and shopping.  Now that I don't have those options I can find myself being spiteful in other ways, being angry, going into shame spirals, sabotaging my own success, and blaming others for why I feel the way I do.

The fact is the pain I feel is not caused by anything outside of me.  It is all inside.  All based on what I am perceiving to be true based on conditioning in my childhood.

If I feel triggered, a shame spike, or a need to act out I remember the above line, "All pain is not in the fact, but in the perception of the fact."  I will then go to a safe space before I make a fool of myself and I will draw two columns on a piece of paper.  On one side I will write "Fact" and on the other side I will write "Perception".

It is amazing the clarity and balance this simple teaching can bring.  The first time I really used it was while I was still in the treatment center for trauma.

My therapist really sent me for a loop when she would not approve me to take a day off so I could drive to visit my husband in Cincinnati.  I was appalled that she did not take into consideration the hard work I had been doing in treatment and the fact that I hadn't seen my husband in a few weeks. I even brought up the fact that they let another patient  go on a family vacation a couple weeks earlier.  All I wanted to do was miss one session and make it up.  Needless to say I went home in a fume.

My head was spinning. I couldn't think straight.  I wanted to mindlessly stuff potato chips down my throat.  I was pissed.  I soon remembered the teaching and I sat down to make my columns.

It only took a couple of minutes for the facts to bring me back into balance. The facts were I was in treatment and my recovery was to be priority, I had no business pointing out what the other patient was doing, I could drive to see my husband the day after, and it was the little girl in me who was upset that this therapist wasn't acknowledging what a PERFECT patient I was.  (ooh ooh perfectionism)


My initial perception of the situation was completely different from the above facts.


I am grateful my higher power brought the Oneness Blessing teachings into my world.  The Oneness Deepening weekends have been profound for me. It is a weekend of processes, music, meditation  to leap beyond the human mind and ego.  These weekends have been instrumental in assisting me with setting my relationships right with my parents, healing other past and present relationships, healing past hurts and traumas, and deepening my connection with a higher power.  I am also grateful to be a Oneness Blessing Giver and share the grace of divine energy with others through deeksha.  Oneness is not a religion, set of beliefs, or a "cult":)  It's essence is that it is the birthright of every human to live in total and unconditional freedom, in a state where a person perceives reality as it is, thereby experiencing the causeless joy, love, and happiness which is the natural condition of the human being.


I am excited to be part of the second Oneness Deepening Course being offered in Nashville this weekend starting tonight.  It is going to be a powerful weekend!


If you are interested in attending there is still room and time.  My first weekend I literally just showed up on the first day without pre-registering.  I had read up on it a bit and did trust Roxana, the Oneness Meet up Facilitator. I knew within a half hour of being there that I was divinely guided to that weekend.   I just had to to do was trust in my higher power's guidance.

Here is the information if you are interested:  http://onenessawakeningnashville.eventbrite.com/ 






"Everything that is outside of you is a result of what is going on within!"

What is this Recovery Rising thing?

It is me coming back to life.  It is me connecting to my inner power.  It is me utilizing tools and techniques to develop self-love.  It is me being vigilant, courageous, humble, curious, open, honest, and honoring.

Everything comes down to self-love.  Seriously.  That is recovery is about.

There are so many different techniques and tools that can be used for recovery.  I started out in a 12 step program, but I couldn't just stop there.  When I first entered the program it was exactly what I needed to break out of the cycle of addiction, co-dependency, and the rock bottom self-esteem I was in.  The people, literature and step work were all exactly what I needed to make me step back from the insanity that was my life and truly have to take responsibility for my actions.  It gave me a chance to break away from an abusive relationship that stripped me of every shred of self -esteem and worth I might have had. It gave me that chance by me hearing that there way another way of life.  A way of life I deserved to know.  I was WORTH healing myself.

It was in the third year of me being in the program that my higher power decided to let me know about another tool that would be beneficial to my recovery.  A tool I had utilized a few years earlier.  A tool that while I was using it years ago took away my desire to use any drugs or alcohol and opened me up to a dream that I thought I could never actually have come true.  This tool was Kundalini Yoga.

I first practiced this path of yoga when I lived in Los Angeles, CA.  When I moved out there I had no clue what Kundalini Yoga was.  All I knew of yoga was what I was practicing in NYC and that was straight up hatha style.  My first class I can say I had no idea what I was getting into and I was a bit weirded out.  Nothing we were doing was like I was used too.  My literal reaction during one of the movements was, WTF!  After class I sipped some hot yogi tea, nibbled on a graham cracker, and I floated to my car.  I had never experienced that type of after glow in my other class.  I was sure I wasn't going to return, but the way I felt that night and when I woke up was amazing.  I said, "What the heck" and gave it another go. That decision would be life changing.

When I returned to Nashville from L.A. a couple years later I immediately looked for a Kundalini Yoga class.  I could not believe it when I saw there were no classes.  The kundalini yoga studios in L.A. were wall to wall packed with students and celebrities. Why was it not popular in a creative city such as Nashville?  All I saw was Hot Yoga everywhere.  Did they not realize the potential of this practice for creativity, healing and transformation?

So I dropped off from my Kundalini Yoga practice until a couple years later when my higher power knew it was time and there was finally someone teaching.  My first class back I knew I wanted to teach this.  All of it's benefits came rushing back to me.  I knew this would be vital for my recovery because everything it works on is what someone in recovery needs for mind, body, and spirit repair.

When I started back with Kundalini Yoga my healing process went into warp speed.  I was no longer just writing and writing and talking about my issues and patterns I was doing something to release them from my subtle energy bodies.  I learned about the different core issues associated with each of the 8 chakras within and around the body.  I learned about the 10 light bodies and what happens when they become imbalanced.  It gave me so many answers and so many solutions to bringing myself into balance.  I applied different movements and specific kriyas targeting the imbalances within those chakras and light bodies.  I learned about the importance of breath, mantra, and meditation to not only repair the body but also recreate new patterns of thinking and being.

I will be writing more about my personal experiences with releasing from and balancing the energetic bodies. I would still be walking around with intense levels of toxic shame within me if it wasn't for this practice. No amount of writing or talking about my pain and shame could actually release it from me. That is why attention has to be given to the physical as well as the energetic bodies if there is going to be true full recovery of self.

My recovery does not stay in a box. I do not stay just with kundalini yoga nor do I stay just in a 12 step program.  A 12 step program offers a beautiful template for anyone to live life based on spiritual principles.  I utilize it to this day.  I just utilize many other tools also.  It is the 21st century and all things are shifting and changing.  There has to be new tools brought forth to assist in making our way through these changing times.

I believe strongly in moving the body to for greater awareness. The body holds all of our answers.  Every answer I seek is within me.  I just need to listen to which tool is going to help me listen.  That could be through dancing, yoga, biking, hiking, tai chi, etc.  I also believe art is of utmost importance to by pass the analytical left brain and get to the right brain where the world of symbolism, feelings, and the subconscious resides.  It is another tool that is invaluable on a path of recovery.  It is the quickest way to access the "inner child" and connect to stuffed down feelings, emotions, and memories.  They are both also fun ways to just shift your energy and mood!

In 2011 I developed workshop style classes utilizing tools of kundalini yoga combined with dancing, artwork, introspective exercises, and self-healing teachings.  These classes were basically an extension of all the work and tools that I utilized at some point in my process. A class that focused on self- love, self-worth, values, releasing inner anger, body image, connecting with the inner child, and much more.  I wanted to create a class that I would like to have attended myself.  A class that combined all of the above elements and created a space of time for people to go into a deeper place of awareness with self and release what was keeping them from building that self-love.

I believe recovery is for anyone who needs to bring back the pieces of self they gave away out of lack of self love.  It is not just for drug addicts or alcoholics.  I wanted to create a class for people who didn't necessarily need to go into a 12 step program or just didn't vibe with one and for those in a 12 step program.  A class that someone with no yoga experience could attend.  Trust me the classes are not just about yoga and I don't want to be viewed as just a yoga instructor.  It is just a small piece of the program and myself.

It has been close to six months since I have taught that class.  Since then I have been in treatment for trauma and literally rebirthing myself.  The past nine months have been some of the most confusing and darkest times of my life thus far.   I have gone to levels of depression, pain, shame, and sadness that I did not think I would have to go to again.  I thought I had worked on myself enough.  Why did I have to go through this again?  Why?

The why is because I made a commitment to myself to heal.  I have an incredible will to live even though sometimes I don't feel like it.  I know by going so intense into the work right now it will allow me to live the colorful life I was meant to for many years to come.  I deserve it.  Everybody deserves a colorful life.

So there you have it.  Recovery Rising is hope.  It is what comes through me from my process and from what my higher power wants me to share.  It is currently a blog and eventually will develop into workshops once more.  It is my personal journey to know my own inner power and sparkle. A building of my self love. My journey to create a life in color.  It is honesty, open mindedness, and willingness.  It is recovery tools for the 21st century.  It is looking within for the answers.

True power comes self-love.  When there is self-love it radiates all through the body and out into the world!