Living My Truth Makes Me Want To Throw Up!

The thought of "living my truth" is making me queasy.  The dream of living my "authentic life" is terrifying me right now.  It is terrifying and confusing in different ways.

Yesterday I attended a mindful living course at my church, Unity Church for Positive Living.  It was week one of a 9 week course being facilitated by Rev. Denise Yeargin.  I arrived a couple minutes late and quietly made my way towards the sanctuary.  As I tip toed closer to the open door of the room I noticed everyone was sitting in silence with eyes closed.  I stood in the door way being mindful as to not make noise.

Rev. Denise saw me, walked over and lovingly put her arms around me. She whispered in my ear that everyone was in a few minutes of silence to set their intention for the course and life in general for the next 9 weeks.  I could feel my breath grow shallow and fear break dancing in my stomach.  I knew right away what my intention was.  I couldn't help but to know what it was.  I felt like I had no other choice of intention. I mean I always have a choice. Everyone has the God given right to choose in any moment how their life is going to go.

I do have the choice to keep on living in an unauthentic state of being.

I do have the choice to continue walking around feeling half alive knowing the outside does not match the inside.

I always have the choice of  feeling confused, frustrated and angry.

I can choose to embrace the fear of change and personal empowerment.

I can choose to discover who I really am as the life built from childhood trauma wounds crumbles away.

I can choose to believe in myself once and for all.

 I can choose to continue staying in my comfort zone which actually should be renamed "pain zone."

I always have a choice.

The intention I chose last night was to "Discover and Live My Truth." It sounds so simple, right?  Wrong!  As I shared what I had written with my small group one gentleman shared that living in ones truth is probably one of the hardest things for anyone to do.  "That's just great." I thought.  "Is there anything I do in my life that doesn't require 150% intensity!?"


The truth that I know so far is I am being confronted with something I have been avoiding for almost 20 years and I am scared out of my mind to walk into it and through it.  The truth is if I do it I just may discover what I am actually made of.  The truth is I was born an "artist" and I will do anything right now to avoid being creative.  I have been told I am a fairy whose light has short circuited because I disconnected myself from the very things that allow fairies inner lights to shine.


The truth is I asked for this.  I asked to be a trauma survivor not a victim.  I asked the divine for what I needed to do to allow myself to live a life in color.  I asked this past weekend at the Oneness Deepening for the blocks to be removed so I could connect authentically with myself and the world.  I asked for Awakening. Oh good God, I had no idea what would hit me afterwards!


A mindful way of living right now is what will keep me connected to discovering what I need to do to live my truth.  When I am fully connected with the moment of now and in my body I cannot run from the truth.  I have to feel it.  If I keep feeling it eventually I have to do something about it.  I have to make a choice.

We were asked last night to share some ways in which one could come into a mindful state of being.  My first answer was and always will be "the breath."  Breathing is the fastest way to bring one to the present moment.  Deep breathing past the chest and into the center of the body.  It is the fastest route to bringing calm within and allowing for feelings and awareness to bubble up to the surface.

I have to keep acknowledging my fear right now. I have to surrender to it and fully feel it. That is the only way I can walk through it.  I have to be mindful of what is going on within because that is where my answers and direction reside.  The only way I can keep moving forward is to keep in the present moment as much as possible.


This is the year.  This is the time.


Surrender.

"All Pain Is Not In The Fact, But In The Perception Of The Fact."

"All pain is not in the fact, but in the perception of the fact." -Sri Amma Bhagavan

The above truth has been an priceless tool for me over the past 5 months.  I was introduced to that teaching in my first Oneness Deepening Weekend in Nashville, TN.

Most of the time what triggers me is not really the truth.  It is the part of me that I call "the wounded inner child" that reacts and perceives what she believes to be reality.

It makes sense to me because I understand the concept of the "inner child."  I understand that my perceptions used to be and sometimes still are based on what I took in as child from the womb up until 6-7 yrs of age.  The inner child is my emotional body.  It is the perceptions and patterns I took in before the neocortex part of the brain developed allowing me to have rational thought and the ability to see different sides of a situation.

I have to be proactive in how I react when I feel I am getting triggered by someone or a situation.  I used to allow the hurt, angry, insecure, frightened little girl take over and I would end up acting out.  It used to be with drugs, alcohol, and shopping.  Now that I don't have those options I can find myself being spiteful in other ways, being angry, going into shame spirals, sabotaging my own success, and blaming others for why I feel the way I do.

The fact is the pain I feel is not caused by anything outside of me.  It is all inside.  All based on what I am perceiving to be true based on conditioning in my childhood.

If I feel triggered, a shame spike, or a need to act out I remember the above line, "All pain is not in the fact, but in the perception of the fact."  I will then go to a safe space before I make a fool of myself and I will draw two columns on a piece of paper.  On one side I will write "Fact" and on the other side I will write "Perception".

It is amazing the clarity and balance this simple teaching can bring.  The first time I really used it was while I was still in the treatment center for trauma.

My therapist really sent me for a loop when she would not approve me to take a day off so I could drive to visit my husband in Cincinnati.  I was appalled that she did not take into consideration the hard work I had been doing in treatment and the fact that I hadn't seen my husband in a few weeks. I even brought up the fact that they let another patient  go on a family vacation a couple weeks earlier.  All I wanted to do was miss one session and make it up.  Needless to say I went home in a fume.

My head was spinning. I couldn't think straight.  I wanted to mindlessly stuff potato chips down my throat.  I was pissed.  I soon remembered the teaching and I sat down to make my columns.

It only took a couple of minutes for the facts to bring me back into balance. The facts were I was in treatment and my recovery was to be priority, I had no business pointing out what the other patient was doing, I could drive to see my husband the day after, and it was the little girl in me who was upset that this therapist wasn't acknowledging what a PERFECT patient I was.  (ooh ooh perfectionism)


My initial perception of the situation was completely different from the above facts.


I am grateful my higher power brought the Oneness Blessing teachings into my world.  The Oneness Deepening weekends have been profound for me. It is a weekend of processes, music, meditation  to leap beyond the human mind and ego.  These weekends have been instrumental in assisting me with setting my relationships right with my parents, healing other past and present relationships, healing past hurts and traumas, and deepening my connection with a higher power.  I am also grateful to be a Oneness Blessing Giver and share the grace of divine energy with others through deeksha.  Oneness is not a religion, set of beliefs, or a "cult":)  It's essence is that it is the birthright of every human to live in total and unconditional freedom, in a state where a person perceives reality as it is, thereby experiencing the causeless joy, love, and happiness which is the natural condition of the human being.


I am excited to be part of the second Oneness Deepening Course being offered in Nashville this weekend starting tonight.  It is going to be a powerful weekend!


If you are interested in attending there is still room and time.  My first weekend I literally just showed up on the first day without pre-registering.  I had read up on it a bit and did trust Roxana, the Oneness Meet up Facilitator. I knew within a half hour of being there that I was divinely guided to that weekend.   I just had to to do was trust in my higher power's guidance.

Here is the information if you are interested:  http://onenessawakeningnashville.eventbrite.com/ 






"Everything that is outside of you is a result of what is going on within!"

What is this Recovery Rising thing?

It is me coming back to life.  It is me connecting to my inner power.  It is me utilizing tools and techniques to develop self-love.  It is me being vigilant, courageous, humble, curious, open, honest, and honoring.

Everything comes down to self-love.  Seriously.  That is recovery is about.

There are so many different techniques and tools that can be used for recovery.  I started out in a 12 step program, but I couldn't just stop there.  When I first entered the program it was exactly what I needed to break out of the cycle of addiction, co-dependency, and the rock bottom self-esteem I was in.  The people, literature and step work were all exactly what I needed to make me step back from the insanity that was my life and truly have to take responsibility for my actions.  It gave me a chance to break away from an abusive relationship that stripped me of every shred of self -esteem and worth I might have had. It gave me that chance by me hearing that there way another way of life.  A way of life I deserved to know.  I was WORTH healing myself.

It was in the third year of me being in the program that my higher power decided to let me know about another tool that would be beneficial to my recovery.  A tool I had utilized a few years earlier.  A tool that while I was using it years ago took away my desire to use any drugs or alcohol and opened me up to a dream that I thought I could never actually have come true.  This tool was Kundalini Yoga.

I first practiced this path of yoga when I lived in Los Angeles, CA.  When I moved out there I had no clue what Kundalini Yoga was.  All I knew of yoga was what I was practicing in NYC and that was straight up hatha style.  My first class I can say I had no idea what I was getting into and I was a bit weirded out.  Nothing we were doing was like I was used too.  My literal reaction during one of the movements was, WTF!  After class I sipped some hot yogi tea, nibbled on a graham cracker, and I floated to my car.  I had never experienced that type of after glow in my other class.  I was sure I wasn't going to return, but the way I felt that night and when I woke up was amazing.  I said, "What the heck" and gave it another go. That decision would be life changing.

When I returned to Nashville from L.A. a couple years later I immediately looked for a Kundalini Yoga class.  I could not believe it when I saw there were no classes.  The kundalini yoga studios in L.A. were wall to wall packed with students and celebrities. Why was it not popular in a creative city such as Nashville?  All I saw was Hot Yoga everywhere.  Did they not realize the potential of this practice for creativity, healing and transformation?

So I dropped off from my Kundalini Yoga practice until a couple years later when my higher power knew it was time and there was finally someone teaching.  My first class back I knew I wanted to teach this.  All of it's benefits came rushing back to me.  I knew this would be vital for my recovery because everything it works on is what someone in recovery needs for mind, body, and spirit repair.

When I started back with Kundalini Yoga my healing process went into warp speed.  I was no longer just writing and writing and talking about my issues and patterns I was doing something to release them from my subtle energy bodies.  I learned about the different core issues associated with each of the 8 chakras within and around the body.  I learned about the 10 light bodies and what happens when they become imbalanced.  It gave me so many answers and so many solutions to bringing myself into balance.  I applied different movements and specific kriyas targeting the imbalances within those chakras and light bodies.  I learned about the importance of breath, mantra, and meditation to not only repair the body but also recreate new patterns of thinking and being.

I will be writing more about my personal experiences with releasing from and balancing the energetic bodies. I would still be walking around with intense levels of toxic shame within me if it wasn't for this practice. No amount of writing or talking about my pain and shame could actually release it from me. That is why attention has to be given to the physical as well as the energetic bodies if there is going to be true full recovery of self.

My recovery does not stay in a box. I do not stay just with kundalini yoga nor do I stay just in a 12 step program.  A 12 step program offers a beautiful template for anyone to live life based on spiritual principles.  I utilize it to this day.  I just utilize many other tools also.  It is the 21st century and all things are shifting and changing.  There has to be new tools brought forth to assist in making our way through these changing times.

I believe strongly in moving the body to for greater awareness. The body holds all of our answers.  Every answer I seek is within me.  I just need to listen to which tool is going to help me listen.  That could be through dancing, yoga, biking, hiking, tai chi, etc.  I also believe art is of utmost importance to by pass the analytical left brain and get to the right brain where the world of symbolism, feelings, and the subconscious resides.  It is another tool that is invaluable on a path of recovery.  It is the quickest way to access the "inner child" and connect to stuffed down feelings, emotions, and memories.  They are both also fun ways to just shift your energy and mood!

In 2011 I developed workshop style classes utilizing tools of kundalini yoga combined with dancing, artwork, introspective exercises, and self-healing teachings.  These classes were basically an extension of all the work and tools that I utilized at some point in my process. A class that focused on self- love, self-worth, values, releasing inner anger, body image, connecting with the inner child, and much more.  I wanted to create a class that I would like to have attended myself.  A class that combined all of the above elements and created a space of time for people to go into a deeper place of awareness with self and release what was keeping them from building that self-love.

I believe recovery is for anyone who needs to bring back the pieces of self they gave away out of lack of self love.  It is not just for drug addicts or alcoholics.  I wanted to create a class for people who didn't necessarily need to go into a 12 step program or just didn't vibe with one and for those in a 12 step program.  A class that someone with no yoga experience could attend.  Trust me the classes are not just about yoga and I don't want to be viewed as just a yoga instructor.  It is just a small piece of the program and myself.

It has been close to six months since I have taught that class.  Since then I have been in treatment for trauma and literally rebirthing myself.  The past nine months have been some of the most confusing and darkest times of my life thus far.   I have gone to levels of depression, pain, shame, and sadness that I did not think I would have to go to again.  I thought I had worked on myself enough.  Why did I have to go through this again?  Why?

The why is because I made a commitment to myself to heal.  I have an incredible will to live even though sometimes I don't feel like it.  I know by going so intense into the work right now it will allow me to live the colorful life I was meant to for many years to come.  I deserve it.  Everybody deserves a colorful life.

So there you have it.  Recovery Rising is hope.  It is what comes through me from my process and from what my higher power wants me to share.  It is currently a blog and eventually will develop into workshops once more.  It is my personal journey to know my own inner power and sparkle. A building of my self love. My journey to create a life in color.  It is honesty, open mindedness, and willingness.  It is recovery tools for the 21st century.  It is looking within for the answers.

True power comes self-love.  When there is self-love it radiates all through the body and out into the world!

The Divine Feminine Rising Part 2: Holiday Gifts That No Amount Of Money Can Buy!

Yesterday I was visiting a dear friend and we were having a conversation over tea and cookies.  Over the course of the conversation we kept acknowledging similarities in our life stories.  She shared with me her experiences similar to the path of healing I have just embarked on and my current experiences have brought up issues in her life that she has found still need healed.  It was like one beautiful dance.  Honest. Open.  No Fear.  No Judgement.  Just one woman sharing with another.  One woman supporting another. One woman's presence healing the other.

Powerful.  Beautiful. Divine.



I shared in my last blog about what the Divine Feminine Energy is.  Now I would like share about how she has shown up in my life simply because I have been willing to acknowledge her.


There is no way I could move forward in my healing process without stepping out of my fear and boldly acknowledging the imbalance of this energy within me.  There is no way I could have survived the past couple of weeks without mustering the courage to reach out to women for support, advice, and a few embraces.


It is so important that women start reaching out to women more.  We live in a time where we are exploited more than ever through different venues.  We live with echoes of past generations of women who were exploited, beaten, burned, and every other horrid thing to keep us apart.  To keep the divine feminine energy watered down.  Have you experienced the power of one woman assisting another?  It is life changing.


Since acknowledging this imbalance within me and understanding it is her very energy that is going to restore me she has shown up outside of me in different ways to assist me with my healing within.....


The Divine Feminine Rises

Leave it to Kundalini Yoga to reveal the perfect yogic tool at the right time to assist me in my healing.  Why not?  It was Kundalini Yoga that has led to what I will lovingly refer to as my, "Holiday Meltdown of Epic Proportions."  The meltdown that is the direct result of  a White Tantric Yoga Meditation Day.  I  had set my intention on White Tantric Yoga Day to clear out all that was related to my root core issue of "I Don't Matter" so that I could heal and powerfully move forward in my life.

Oh my.  Do not mess with Kundalini Yoga or White Tantric Yoga if you do not want to heal and transform.  It will break you wide open if you are ready!

So now here I am. Utilizing another Kundalini Yoga meditation.  This one is being practiced by over 800,600 recorded people around the world for the next 40 days.  The meditation is for Honoring The Divine Feminine.  If anyone knows about or has practiced a Kundalini Yoga meditation then you know its effects usually begin to show up in your life right away.  Well, that is my experience anyways. 

          

In these past couple of weeks women have been kind enough to listen to me while I have been  in some of my darkest moments. They have been kind enough to say, "I am here to support you."  The divine feminine energy has been present during the moments I have reached out to support another woman as frozen as myself and let her know someone cares. It has been present when a woman has called just to ask how I am feeling and actually listens.  It has been present when I have called another woman just to ask how she is feeling and I actually listen.

I witness the powerful healing energy of the Divine Feminine on Wednesdays at Thistle Farms.  It is showing me first hand the power that is generated when women come together to uplift and heal, love, and support each other.  It is showing me women are not all against other women.  Women can truly love and care for one another. Thistle Farms and Magdalene House is proof of this.

She speaks through women's voices over the phone during the weekly book study, Finding Your Inner Wildflower: A Bookstudy with Christy Diane Farr, I attend.  The book is called, The Women Who Run With Wolves.  A book study where women come together to discuss a collection of centuries old oral stories passed down through different cultures and tribes revealing the mysteries, secrets, and powers we as women hold.  Stories that used to be passed down from generation to generation keeping the wild divine feminine energy alive. Teaching us of our sacred nature.  This sacred energy.

She recently showed up through the arms of my mother who embraced  and rocked me in her chair as we cried together over secrets revealed and hard truths told.  She allowed my mom to open up to me about growing up with her mother and her mothers mother. The Divine Feminine whispered, "I Love You" out of my moms lips into my ears as I melted into her bosom.  I understood for the first time so much more about my mother.

The Divine Feminine is showing up to assist in healing the trauma that has been frozen within my body from years of abuse.  Warrior women who have walked this path before me have just shown up in my life and invited me to their sacred space to offer their healing energies.  I am testifying that there is nothing more powerful than the support of a woman.

On October 22, 2011 just days after my last post at my other blog site, My Dreams are My Life, my world changed.  The foundation of my very existence shattered.  It is hard to believe it happened after already being on a healing path for 10 years.  It has been 35 years coming.  My foundation is not going to be rebuilt overnight or in a week or month.  It will be a process.  A journey.  I am making it day-to-day only by the beauty and support of women.  This is new.  This is different.  This is beautiful.  This is why I want to honor and share more about The Divine Feminine.

The greatest gifts I could receive for Christmas have already been given.  It may not feel the greatest, but, being returned to the truth of who I am is priceless.  Learning through other woman about the sacredness of the Divine Feminine cannot be boxed and wrapped.  Witnessing and experiencing the healing power of women is not something that can be placed under a tree.  Receiving a phone call and allowing myself to hugged by another woman cannot be put on my credit card.  No.  Human Kindness is the ultimate gift.

My deepest gratitude for the women who are in my life.

It is the Divine Feminine Energy that is going to bring the healing to this world it so desperately needs.  It is generous and needed to wish for the healing of the world and world peace and all that stuff that gets emphasized this time of year.  The collective intention does make a difference.....to a certain point.  What is truly the way the world is going to heal is if we first heal ourselves.  

This is the perfect week to really access that Divine Feminine Energy and share with another.


 It is the perfect time to nuture another.


 Allow yourself to receive as well as give.


It is the week of Winter Solstice. Call on this divine energy to assist you in allowing anything that does not serve you to die so that new may enter into your life.


Use this energy to dream the future you want as it is coming up on a new year.


Honor yourself.  All the qualites of the divine feminine.  Even if you can't feel these qualities or don't believe them -honor this energy that is creation itself!






Have a Divine Day!

A beautiful gift from a 6 yr old at Thistle Farms.  She asked me what my favorite color was.
A priceless reminder of innocence, joy, and love.

  

The Divine Feminine Rising: Healing My Fear of Women

Fear of Women, What?  

I know that certain women will know exactly what I am talking about.  Those who have never had to even entertain the following thoughts will probably not get it.  Either way I felt inspired to write about it.  In fact I believe I have a multi part blog coming through so if anything peaks your interest stay tuned for Part 2 coming soon.


This is my dream........

To not be scared of women.  To know what it is like to be in a close loving friendship with other women.  To walk away after meeting new women without thinking I sounded like a complete nervous dipshit.  To not be afraid of the Divine Feminine energy within me A.K.A  my power!

Most women terrify me.  Not all.  But most.

I see it around me all the time.  Women hanging out with women.  Talking.  Giggling. Shopping.  Going out to dinner.  Hanging out at the park.  Embracing one another.  Crying on each others shoulders.  It is a beautiful sight to witness.  There is nothing more powerful than the energy of a woman.  There is nothing more healing than one woman reaching out to another. Why is it I turn from women so easily?  Why am I so afraid of them?